Not First but Last 1/1 (RPF Andrew/Jesse, R)

[ohxshebleeds]

Title: Not First but Last
Author: Kurt Couper
Rating: R
Pairing(s): Andrew/Jesse RPF
Disclaimer: Nothing is ever mine.
Summary: AU. Andrew wants to be Jesse's firsts but he can't because they're step-brothers. Instead he decides that he can give Jesse his firsts, but Andrew forgets that he is is a fuck-up and always screws it up in the end.

WARNING: Sort of step-cest. Talks about relations between two stepbrothers.

AN: This came to me in a dream and has been bothering me ever since. So ta-dah!
-----

It was all very sudden, Jesse remembers. Maybe not sudden, but fast-ish. First it was just his father and him and then he had a step-mother and a step-brother. He remembers he started reading about the Imperialist Russia when his dad mentioned that he might have been seeing someone and then by the time he was to the Russian Revolution, he was being asked if he'd be his father's best man.

It's good because, well, he loves his dad and he deserves to be happy. And Carol is great. Don't get him wrong, she's amazing and makes his dad happy and makes the tastiest, interesting shaped food he's ever eaten (who doesn't want to eat unicorn pancakes), but he never knows what to call her. She'll never be mom and she's okay with that, but Mrs. Esienberg is just ridiculous, Mrs. Carol is too formal and Carol seems too informal. So he settles on not being in situations where he has to say her name. She seems to understand that he's awkward and nervous and shy and has really bad people skills. She's gentle with him and he's slowly opening up to her.

Completely unlike Andrew his new brother. It's amazing how you can have a new brother, but not a new mom. Either way, Wardo jumped into each new relationship blindfolded with a running start and maybe with a bit too much caffeine. He easily fell into his new son title, always helping with the dishes, talking about politics, economics, poetry at the dinner table with ease, always filling up the gas tank after he borrowed the car. It wasn't as if he was even trying to suck up, Andrew was just a naturally nice guy. But obviously he's not very well adjusted because he seems to actually adore Jesse.

But he can overlook some flaws. Besides that, Andrew is basically perfect. They go to a big school, so it's not surprising that they have never met before. Well, that and Jesse is a bit shy or socially reclusive. But Andrew is a popular guy. He's an enigma, a social butterfly, easily jumping from the clique to clique with an ease Jesse can't imagine. Sometimes Jesse thinks that Andrew isn't real because why would someone with ridiculous hair be that interested in Jesse.

Of course he was warry of Andrew in the beginning, like, why is this amazing, ridiculous boy putting so much attention and work into Jesse. Jesse is just Jesse and Andrew is, well, Andrew. But Andrew doesn't seem to think anything of it. He was always including Jesse in everything, parties, friendly outings, whatever. They even had the same lunch, though it took a month for them to figure it out since Jesse always spent lunch in the library. Andrew literally drug him out and into the terrifying florescent lights of the cafeteria and smiled his huge animated smile when one of Andrew's friend started a conversation with him. At home, they do homework together, normally on the couch. Andrew doesn't understand anything about personal space and Jesse really doesn't mind the fleeting touches or hugs or the way Andrew drapes himself over him trying to get to the remote control.

Jesse's never really had any friendship like this before. Okay, so he's never been much of a friendship kind of guy, but it just came so easy with Andrew. Well, Andrew made it easy because Andrew is easy to love and Andrew never really gave Jesse a choice in the matter. Jesse doesn't care though. He can't imagine his life without his best friend. Andrew doesn't care about Jesse's crippling anxiety or self-doubt or his abandonment issues or his complete failing of being a functioning human being in society. In fact, Andrew is almost too good, always reassuring, always gentle, and there, and quiet when Jesse needs quiet.
Jesse's not going to make comparison. He's not. He's been to therapy for it and he knows how reckoning it can be to a psyche. But Jesse over thinks everything and he's been spending time on this, especially since Andrew told him he was the thumper to Andrew's bambi. But if he was going to compare things, he would say that he's Rapunzel in this story and Andrew's the prince. He could get into the semantics and describe the symbolism of the tower being his insecurities and yadda yadda yadda. But he's not trying to put too much into this delusion.

This isn't some Disney movie.

----
So Andrew's kind of popular, he guesses because Jesse tells him he is. But he's also kind of smart, Jesse also tells him this, but he just shakes it off because he's not Jesse smart, but no one can know everything that Jesse knows. Andrew is always so amazed at the facts that Jesse can spit out about everything. But Andrew guesses he's smart in an academic way and he has the gift of patience. This is why Andrew's always busy with some sort of study group or tutoring session or meeting after school. It works out because his parents are always working until 5 and he can have people over to study without really being bothered.

It also means he can share a few beers with Amanda after school on one of those days. He tutors her in Chemistry and it's not as if she's stupid, but things go right through her head. It's possibly from all the paint chips she ate as a child, but whatever, she's nice if not a little handsy and a bit too frivolous with sexual favors.

So he had a little bit too much to drink. Who cares? He got a B on his English paper when he really, really deserved an A. He's an A student, even if English isn't his forte. But he always strives to be the best because, well, his father told him he should. English is something Jesse likes; Jesse is actually superb at writing and reading and making pretty words. Jesse sometimes reads to himself at night when he's really tired and wants to understand something and Andrew can listen to him for hours through the thin wall separating them.

That's not the point though.

The point is that he got a B on his English paper about some nonsense about stylistic devices and it's not his fault he's British and the American English is absolute shit. If that wasn't enough, his lab partner spilt a bit of Hydrochloric acid on his favorite jeans and he had to get put under that shower they have in the science classrooms for emergencies and then he had to wear his gym clothes all day and the understanding, never pitying, look from Jesse was just....mortifying. So instead of teaching Amanda the photosynthesis formula for the Nth time, he finally accepted the beer she always offers jokingly and that's how Amanda ended up on her knees between his legs, the empty six pack beside them. She said she wanted to make his day better and he wasn't going to accept, but then she was running her hand on the inside of his thigh and it felt good. Then she unzipped his pants with her teeth, her teeth and it was just all downhill from there.

And exactly how Jesse found them. Andrew's not sure how long he Jesse had been standing in the doorway, his jaw a bit slack and with adorable pink cheeks and a deer in the headlight look, but it seems like he's been enjoying the show. Andrew was already close, but he locks eyes with Jesse and Amanda does something heavenly with her throat and Andrew has to make sure he doesn't moan Jesse names and he comes.

"I uh, just. Sorry. Wanted a dr-drink. Sorry, just," Jesse is stuttering and trying to look everywhere but Andrew and Amanda.

Andrew's a bit drunk because he's not a big guy and three beers and he's feeling good. That is probably why he says what he does. "Did you like that?" His voice is a little husky and he doesn't want to look down but he's pretty sure his dick is still out of his pants; he hopes his stamina doesn't prove a point right now.

Jesse can't even say anything and he's not sure if Andrew's imagining it but he wants to say he sees Jesse nods. He and Andrew have been brothers for a bit longer than half a year and having two hormone-riled boys under one roof and thin walls and one bathroom... well, Andrew's seen these pink cheeks before and he knows what that means.

"Do you want one?" And Jesse's eyes are huge and he looks like he's in the middle of a panic attack and the tips of his ears are matching his cheeks and then he does this god awful thing of licking his lips and then Andrew knows he's a goner. Think fast. "I'm sure Amanda won't mind."

She suddenly appears and Andrew doesn't remember her ever leaving, but she's wiping her mouth, so yeah. Things are moving a bit fast and he's kind of sure it's the beer, but she's grabbing Jesse by the hand to the couch.

There's this shy look on her face, but she pushes Jesse to sit on the couch anyway.

"I won't mind at all."

He looks to Andrew and he feels something in his chest. He's not too sure what it is, but he kind of wants to give this to him. Be apart of something. He's never had a brother before, only child and all, and he's not too sure if this counts as male bonding, but the beer says yes.

"You can say no," Andrew whispers, making sure that Jesse really wants it. He knows Jesse isn't all that experienced, sexually or otherwise.

Amanda is un-zipping Jesse's pants, so he can tell Jesse isn't really up to talking. Other parts of him are up, though, he noticed. So as delicately as he can puts himself back into his pants and continues sipping from his beer to keep his mind off of the fact that his step brother's dick is currently getting worked on by this girl failing chemistry.

It's his doing. He can't take it back now.

But it's okay, he thinks, as he can hear all these little noises emitting from the back of Jesse's throat. He's heard them before, but not this up close and not seeing them with the faces. Oh god, the faces. He has to steady himself by spreading his fingers against the couch, feeling the fabric to bring him back to reality. The fabric feeling doesn't last too long when he feels Jesse's pinkie rest next to his. He steals a short look over and Jesse meets his own, half lidded and biting his lip hard and there's just something there. Jesse wraps two fingers around Andrew's pinkie and it's not ten seconds later that Jesse is coming. It's not loud or obscene or anything that he expected, but it's so Jesse that Andrew groans and he wants to memorize everything, but he thinks of the periodic table instead.

Jesse is starting to realize what exactly just happened, but Andrew tries to calm him by squeezing his hand.

Male bonding is a great thing. Andrew thinks male bonding should be done in the shower.

-----

Jesse doesn't really understand Andrew. Okay, not true. Andrew is Jesse's best friend and it's not just because of lack of options. Andrew understands Jesse and doesn't mind that he's socially retarded and always embarrasses himself and others (mostly himself, though) when he's around Andrew's friends. And he doesn't mind that Jesse has pictures of cats on walls instead of girls or sings musical theater in the shower or is so awkward that it's physically painful. But it never seems to be with Andrew.

So the moral of the story is that Andrew has never judged Jesse for being Jesse (not even that one time when Andrew walked in on Jesse listening to The Little Shop of Horror's and he was only in his briefs, singing and dancing to "Somewhere That's Green".")

But he thinks Andrew's gay. Or bi. Or something.

Jesse has always thought of himself as A-sexual. Not that he doesn't get...urges sometimes. He's only human and only a 17 year old boy.

And it's not like Andrew and Jesse has sat down and talked about their sexual orientation. And it's not like it really matters. No one else seems to care if Andrew takes a girl to a party and leaves with a boy so why should he.

But...it matters.

For something. Somewhere.

It kind of matters.

Andrew's mom doesn't seem to care, she just gives a sad lopsided smile whenever Andrew brings anyone for dinner. Jesse has heard Carol talk to his dad about how she worries that maybe Andrew is looking for love for the wrong reasons, but his dad just shrugs it off saying he's 17 and hormones. Then Carol says something about Jesse being 17 and then Jesse stops listening because he doesn't want to hear them discuss how worried or concerned they are over his solitude.

He likes being alone. He likes reading and secretly writing his own musical and not having to worry about being in public and coming across as nervous or weird or...wrong. But it's not like he's always alone anymore because Andrew's there. And there's this girl that has been talking to him a lot lately in his theater class. Her name is Anna and Jesse doesn't know exactly why she talks to him, but she smiles a lot and has pretty teeth and laughs when he stutters but not in a mean way, more of a you're-just-so-adorable-and-i-want-to-pinch-your-cheeks way that he received a lot as a child.

So there's that.

But it's just another day that Andrew brought someone home for dinner. His name was James and Jesse has seen him around school. He's in a band and Jesse guesses he's handsome in that way only a bass player can be, tall and lanky and messy hair with a tattoo on his wrist. James does try to clear the table until Carol shoos him away, claiming guest rules and Jesse takes over because he thinks he needs to not think right now.

Jesse stays in the kitchen to do his English homework because he doesn't want to hear whatever is going to happen upstairs. Andrew said they had to watch a movie for their film literature class, but Jesse has watched enough teen films to know what watching movies really means.

It's an hour after dinner and Carol comes tettering in the kitchen. "Can you take this up to Andrew, Jesse?" she asks with a warm smile. "I'd do it but I don't want him to think I'm checking up on him." It's a platter of cookies and fruit and two mugs of peppermint tea.

"Sure," he nods and her smile is so big that he really tries to give one back.

The door is cracked, a rule of the house, but Jesse knocks and says it's him before he pushes it open. Andrew and James are lying on their stomachs, but they are quickly pull themselves away and Jesse feels that tightness again when he sees Andrew's ruffled hair and red lips.

"Your mom's doing," he shrugs as he motions to the dessert tray.

Andrew rolls his eyes and pats the empty spot beside him on the bed.

"Come watch the movie with us, Jess."

James doesn't seem to care and Jesse feels surprised and he feels awkward, but does it anyway. It is Citizen Kane, a classic. So he claims the spot next to Andrew, both sitting indian style and enjoying the homemade sugar cookies. James is on his stomach again, adjacent to them.

The movie is enthralling, even if he did come into it in the middle, but it's distracting when Andrew stretches out and his foot is running the curve of James' back. Jesse's a virgin and has only kissed three people. There was that one time when he got a blow job from Andrew's friend, but that was an anomaly and strange and they've never really talk about it so he kind of blocks it out. His first kiss was with a boy in kindergarten when Jesse gave him his twinkie and the boy kissed his cheek in thanks. He's not sure if cheek kisses count, but he remembers the feelings in his stomach, so he counts it anyway. The second was when he was at his bar mitzvah with his third cousin, twice removed. The third was during a play and he had to kiss this girl over and over again and he was so nervous and it was just horrible. So he doesn't really understand how it all works with guys or girls. It seems so strange and abnormal to kiss, like he has these lips and he's suppose to do something with them, but he's not exactly sure what. He's pretty sure it's his social awkwardness and maybe this situation, but it's out of his mouth before he realizes he said it out loud: "What's it feel like to kiss?" Andrew chokes a bit on his tea and stares at him, inquisitively. "Uh-you know, a guy."

"It's...rougher," Andrew tries after a few seconds. "More..." and he fails. "I don't know. James?"

James sits up and ponders it and Jesse is only partially mortified. It's when Jesse stairs at James that he realizes how close they all are. Andrew's bed is a full and small when you think of three teenagers sitting on it. Andrew's leg is touching Jesse's knee and James's fingers are so close to Jesse's foot that he can feel the static electricity of James' arm hair.

Jesse misses the look between Andrew and James because he's too busy being too aware and embarrassed. "It's kind of like this," James starts and then leans over and grabs Jesse's face in his.

It's sort of awkward and nice and warm and scratchy with James' stubble. He feels the same delima that he did during the theater kiss in that he didn't know what to do with his hands. But it's okay this time because Andrew overlaps his pinkie finger with his and James is sucking on his lower lip and then suddenly his tongue is rubbing up against Jesse's and he tastes like sugar cookies and peppermint and a bit of smoke and it's all a bit more pleasant than it sounds.

He's not sure what he should do next because he's never gotten this far before and this might possibly be Andrew's boyfriend or something and Andrew's got heavy eyes and hasn't blinked in what seems like minutes and Jesse knows this because his eyes are open because he doesn't really know what to do with his eyes either.

James' thumb is rubbing Jesse's jawbone, but he pulls back anyway. Because this is nice but it doesn't feel right because he doesn't really like James and that's important to him.

"Good description?" Andrew laughs, but Jesse can tell it's a bit forced. He's sitting by the window now, sipping his tea so perfectly British like and grabbing at his night stand for his emergency pack of cigarettes.

"You know I don't smoke anymore," James says when Andrew offers one to him.

"Me too," Andrew smiles and inhales deeply and exhaling out the window, turning his attention back to the movie.

Jesse excuses himself after the movie is over and doesn't drink or eat anything for the rest of the night. When he's alone in his bed, he keeps rubbing his tongue against his teeth, savoring the taste of smoke.

---------

Jesse's cute when he's nervous and flustered. Andrew realizes that this is all the time, but he can't hide the truth from himself. Jesse starts stumbling over words and fidgeting, biting the corner of his lip and then sucking on it, and ducking his head a lot.

It gets even worse when Anna asks Jesse out on a Tuesday and he's a complete wreck until the date on Friday. Andrew does his best to calm the poor boys nerves, but it's Jesse. It's so adorable when he gets a few texts from him that Friday night, panicking about what the norms are for the armrest at the theater and if discussing Kafka was an okay first date topic. He smiles even though there's this pull at his heart; he chocks it up to his heartstrings on the novelty of Jesse's first real date.

Andrew ignores the fact that the pull is still there after the next five dates. In fact, once they're officially dating a few weeks later, the pull gets a bit worse, but he really does try to be happy for Jesse. Even if Anna is taking away all of Andrew's Jesse time. So Andrew tries to keep busy with school work and Shannon and Mark and then that guy from his English class, even though he doesn't know his name and it's a bit too late to ask now. He's not really a slut, really he's not. He's only really slept with four people, an even mixture between the sexes. It's just that he's a bit insecure and tries too hard to please. He doesn't want to say daddy issues, but it sometimes hangs over his head like a giant neon sign, blinking.

He's never been really good with his feelings, not like Jesse. Jesse might be awkward, but it's more so because he doesn't understand social norms and when it's okay to say certain things. Andrew's a bit too aware and too polite, so things never really get said. Andrew's pretty sure that's why Anna likes him so much, because Jesse doesn't play by some secret dating rule book. He didn't wait three days to call her after the first date even though Andrew said that's what he does. Instead, he called her when a documentary that night reminded him of her and they spent three hours on the telephone, watching it together. Andrew couldn't stop rolling his eyes when he heard the comments he was stumbling over.

Of course, his parents love Anna and it's kind of nice for them to fuss over Jesse for awhile. That is kind of adorable too, especially because Jesse's dad is doing all he can to embarrass Jesse even though it's not as if he needs any help, but his mom is trying to keep everyone on their best behavior even though it's a failing battle.

They don't have to worry about that though right now because his parents finally took their honeymoon on the eve of their first anniversary. There's an emergency contacts list about a mile long on the fridge and there's a call every night from his mother, checking in.

Besides that, it's freedom. Jesse and Anna and him (third wheel much?) order in nearly every night and watch a movie together. Sometimes Andrew invites someone over because it's a bit less lonely that way. But it's even more lonely by the intimate way Jesse and Anna cuddle together and laugh at the same things. Mark just kept feeling him up when Andrew invited him over and it made him realize that there might be more to life than making out. And then as he was walking Mark out, he interrupted a brief makeout session between Jesse and Anna and he really didn't mean to stare, but Jesse was sort of just flailing and he secretly thought that he could do better if he was Anna. But God Jesse's his stepbrother and he has a girlfriend and Andrew's never ever ever had a friend like Jesse and he doesn't want to fuck it all up. So instead he takes Mark back up to his room.

It's Thursday now and they don't have school tomorrow because it's a national holiday or whatever; he'll never understand America sometimes. Jesse took Anna out to dinner and Andrew's not bitter at all because it's not like Andrew misses Jesse. It's not like they haven't hung out in nearly a month and a half since they started dating but it's not the same with Anna there. He's an only child and there's nothing he hates more than sharing. Well, except lima beans. Besides, Andrew is Jesse's brother that should count for something.

"Hey Jess," Andrew smiles as he sees the couple come into the living room, back from their date. Anna smiles and goes to the bathroom, while Jesse just kind of raises his eyebrows. It's then Andrew realizes that there's a bottle of wine on the coffee table nearly half gone and a red plastic solo cup in his hand. He debated on which was sadder, drinking alone with a wine glass or a plastic cup, but he decided it was dessert wine so it wasn't really that sad. After all his dinner was some ice cream straight from the carton and a nice sized slice of cake. "It's vintage. 2010." Jesse smiles. "Want some?" he grins sheepishly.

Anna gets out two wine glasses for Jesse and herself and it makes Andrew kind of hate her a bit. They finish the bottle and everyone but Andrew is having a good buzz. They're watching a Wes Anderson film and even though Jesse is normally a big fan of dark comedy, Anna is taking away his attention by being all over him. She's whispering into his ear and making Jesse squirm, his cheeks all red. Andrew just wants to scream that whispering is impolite, but he bites his tongue and ignores Jesse's stare as he breaks into his dad's liquor cabinet, making himself something a bit stronger.

Andrew is ignoring a lot it seems, but he can still hear the soft "Stop. He's right there," from Jesse. Andrew believes in the bro code and he never ever cockblocks.

"I'm going to bed," he tries to smile, but he takes the bottle of scotch with him. "Have fun you too." He tries to make it sound playful, like he knows, because he can see how Anna is looking at Jesse, but he thinks it comes out more jealous.

It's not too much longer later when he hears them move into Jesse's bedroom and he turns up the tv. He can't hear the soft knock on his door, but the gentle buzz makes him not be surprised when Jesse appears in his doorway, completely disheveled and flustered and Andrew swears he's trying to ignore the slight tent in Jesse's pants, but it's not working.

"Hey Andrew," he whispers and he's biting his red lips. "I...Do you have a-a-"

If it wasn't so heartbreaking this might be cute. Perhaps it's just brotherly bonding instead.

"A condom?"

Jesse nods and he goes to his nightstand and throws a strip at him. "You sure?" because Andrew knows Jesse's never done this before and if Andrew could go back he would have waited. But he was much younger when he had lost his and he wasn't dating the girl at the time. Maybe it's different. "You sure you want to do this?" And what Andrew really wants to say is With Her.

Jesse shrugs and continues to bite his lip. He looks so awkward with the trojans in his hands. "She says she's ready." He can't seem to look Andrew in the eye.

Trying not to be sour, he gives Jesse a lopsided smile. "Our little boy's growing up." He takes another gulp of his drink and then stares off. "Make sure she gets you off first or else you won't last long inside." Jesse turns even pinker. "And make sure you keep kissing her, girls like that."

"Thanks," he nods.

"You'll be great," Andrew whispers and Jesse smiles and shuts the door.

Andrew swears he's not a pervert, seriously. But there's nothing good on the tv and it's not like he can really ignore the fact that Jesse is only five inches away, losing his virginity. Plus, there's noises. They're muffled, but he can pick out Jesse. He remembers what he looked like with Amanda and he just stares at his wall, imagining what he'd look like.

"I want you now," he hears Anna moan and he puts his hand against the wall, forcing moral support through the sheetrock. He knows Jesse must be shaking, so nervous, and he strains his ear so hard to listen. There's this groan and it goes straight to Andrew's dick because it sounds like pure sin and it must mean that Jesse's in. Andrew's not palming himself through his jeans because he's a masochist. Instead he continues to listen and tries to imagine everything and the noises are getting faster and he hears Anna's orgasm approach and it makes it all so real. Jesse isn't too far behind and Andrew presses harder into the wall because this is all so heartbreaking.

All the booze must have caught up with him because he quickly grabs the waist basket by his bead and hurls.

-----

Jesse doesn't see Andrew on Friday. Not in the morning after he and Anna did...it again. Nor in the afternoon when Jesse made Andrew's favorite type of frozen pizza. Nor when Jesse was reading downstairs in the living room, watching tv mindlessly as he waited for Andrew to come home.

He didn't.

It's not just that Jesse wanted to talk about what happened last night. He kind of expected to wake up and Andrew make a deal about it with a hug or a punch to the arm or a celebratory pancake stack because somehow Carol has passed down the art that is amazing pancakes to Andrew. It's not just that. But he wanted to spend some time with Andrew because they haven't in a while.

He missed him a lot.

As the day went on, Jesse realized how much he really missed his best friend. He's not so much if they're brothers first or best friends. To him the best friend part means more, just best friends that live together. He's never had a brother so he's never made a big to do about the relationship he never had.

He falls asleep on the couch and wakes up the next morning with a horrible backache. Still no Andrew.

Anna comes over with a new documentary and it is really interesting, but his mind is elsewhere. It's just, Andrew has never done this before and he wonders if he might be mad at him? Or maybe something is really bothering Andrew. Or maybe something bad really happened and no one is looking for him. Maybe Andrew got mugged or kidnaped or abducted by aliens. Anna starts complaining that he's preoccupied. Instead of fighting or talking, he kisses her and she's happy for awhile. But when he dazes off when she's kissing his neck and she asks him what he's thinking about and he replies Andrew because it's true...well, she doesn't take that too well either.

"He didn't come home last night," he explains because he has reason to worry. Why can't she just understand that "He's my best friend" is a good enough answer for anything.

"He's grown; he can handle himself."

"He didn't answer my call or my texts," he continues as if she hadn't said anything.

Because Anna doesn't seem to get it. She never has. He always tries to include Andrew in their activities, but she concludes that it would just make Andrew feel like a third wheel. She'll roll her eyes when he tries to describe something that Andrew has said or done as if she's not really interested. She gets upset when he misdirects her kisses when Andrew is around.

"You just don't understand," he tries to make it better. He's so bad at these things. "He's my best friend."

She backs away from him sharply. "Don't tell me that I don't understand; I understand perfectly!"

"No. Please. I'm sorry. It's just that you don't have a bes-" Before it's out he knows it's wrong.

"You're right," and her voice is cold and harsh and it stops him in his tracks. "That person was suppose to be you, but you're already taken."

He doesn't understand and he's trying to figure out what she means, but she's already out the door.

He feels horrible.

It's nearly eleven o'clock and Andrew still isn't back yet. Carol called at 9 o'clock promptly, asking how everything was. He hates lying, so he sort of just held back some things. He turned the conversation back on their trip. She gushed about the sights and the delicious meal they just had.

"Take care of my baby, Jesse. Tell him I love him."

She sounds as if she knows something, as if she's worried. There's this guilt bubbling into his stomach. How can he tell Carol that he lost her son?

"Love you too and your father does too!"

It's been two hours and he still feels horrible from just everything. He doesn't know why he's worried, but something happened. Something's wrong. He falls asleep in Andrew's bed as he's waiting.

"Bloody fuck," Jesse hears and he can't tell if it's his dream or not. But then there's a giant crash noises or something and there's more cursing.

"Andrew?" Jesse mumbles as he turns on the lamp beside his bed. "Is that you?"

With the lights on Jesse sees Andrew on the ground, clutching his shin and slewing curses.

"Andrew?" he says louder.

"Jess?" he slurs and he's looking around wildly. "Where am- where the fuck am I?"

Jesse blearily walks over to Andrew and the closer he gets, the more he wants to vomit. Andrew reeks of whiskey and smoke, so strong that he thinks he could get drunk off the fumes.

"Jess," he whispers and it sounds so broken, so sad that it breaks Jesse's heart.

"You're completely wasted."

Andrew looks up at him, but his eyes aren't focusing.

"I fucked shit up." He wraps his arms around himself and ducks his head into his knees. "I always fuck shit up. Always, always, always."

Jesse doesn't know what to do because he's never really had to deal with a drunk person before except for his Aunt Tibby at the wedding last year and she ended up passing out against the bar. But Andrew looks completely devastated. His eyes are red and have dark bruises circling underneath. It looks like he's been crying or punched or both. He gets on his knees and puts his hand on his shoulder.

Suddenly, Andrew looks up and grabs Jesse's lip in a messy slop of a kiss. It's nice, but Jesse backs out of it immediately.

"Andrew...what?"

"See? Always fucking shit up. I fucked us up."

"Why do you say that?" Jesse asks because he's not completely understand. Andrew's not making sense and his words are slurred and he's not sure where it's all coming from. But he's so sad and it's breaking Jesse apart.

"I figured it all out. It's taking to long to figure it out, but I did this all wrong-Us wrong. I-I wanted to be you firsts, but I couldn't. I couldn't because it's wrong because we're-. So I wanted to be the one who could give it to you, your firsts. But it got all fucked up in the end."

Andrew's crying and Jesse just wants to cry too because he doesn't...he doesn't know what to do with all of this. What does Andrew even really mean? Because he's drunk and drunk people say things that they don't mean, but sometimes they say everything they mean.

"I'm so sorry," Andrew sobs, bringing Jesse into his grasp. It's frantic and shaky and Jesse tries to calm him down, but he's pretty sure that Andrew is just insanely drunk. When he pulls away and wipes the tears from his face, Andrew's eyes are still just swimming, pupils huge and fuzzy.

"Let's go to bed," Jesse whispers, trying his hardest to pull Andrew off the floor.

Andrew is all arms, but he wraps his arms around Jesse and tries to kiss him again. It's just as sloppy as the first, but this one taste like salt. Jesse shakes it off again because Andrew is too drunk and he doesn't really know what he's doing. He should probably force Andrew to drink some water, but this is all so emotionally draining that as soon as he hits the mattress, his eyes flutter closed.

He'll figure out what to do tomorrow, when Andrew is nursing his hangover and they'll talk about it and he'll try to make things better. Because Andrew always is taking care of him, so he thinks he can take care of Andrew for once. He doesn't know where this came from or why Andrew tried to drink away the pain, but it must have been bad enough to do so. He feels so helpless as he realizes how bad he is at all of this.

"I'm so sorry, Jesse," Andrew is sobbing, but Jesse's behind Andrew, being the big spoon, so it's all really muffled.

"It's okay, Andrew. I promise. It's-it will all be okay. Just go to sleep. We'll talk about it tomorrow." Jesse wraps his arms around Andrew's small, shaking frame. "I-I love you."

All Jesse can hear until he falls into sleep is Andrew's apologies in a mumbled, haunting voice. Jesse dreams of nothing but storms.

----

So.... Yeah.

He's avoiding Jesse.

Actually, he's avoiding the whole family, but especially Jesse.

Because, well, everything.

It's been working really well. He's only seen Jesse about five times within the past three weeks. Mostly he just wakes up at opportune times or plans things accordingly to everyone's routine. His mother is worrying, but she always worries. He is just blaming the stress of midterms and studying for the SATs because they're only a few months away and you can never start too early. It's when Jesse's dad starts to get this look on his face that he realizes things are just getting worse. He's snuck in a few times late at night and heard them argue about him. It's never escalated to an actual fight, but he never really wants it to go there. Jesse's dad is the best thing that's ever happened to his mom and Jesse's the best thing that's ever happened to him.

It's really not his fault that he's so good at fucking shit up. It comes naturally in his blood. It's why his father never really loved him. It's why decided that he wanted to have another family instead. It must have been easier to love a son that wasn't blood and wasn't him.

But he doesn't want to fuck this up. He can't fuck up this family because he needs it so much.

His heart hurts because he has lost his best friend. He's a horrible, horrible person. He never deserved Jesse in the first place. He should never have good things because he just ruins them. Fucks it all up beyond all repair. He doesn't even know how to fix this.

It's not too late at night, but Andrew's exhausted and it's so much work to keep avoiding everyone. He kind of wants to just give up, to surrender. Rock bottom is low and there's no where else to go. Besides it's dinner time and he's so tired of eating cold leftovers straight from the fridge.

Jesse's not at the dinner table, but it's still awkward and tense when Andrew walks into the kitchen.

"Hey," he says dejectedly and takes a seat. His mom ruffles his hair and gets up to get him a plate of lasagna. He's the elephant in the room and they're all acting like nothing is wrong.

"Hey son."

His heart hurts a bit at that because it makes him realize that he can't lose this. He can never do anything to ruin this because this is home.

He knew he was hungry, but he didn't realize he was this hungry until he starts to shovel the lasagna in his mouth. His parents are talking about something, but he's just interested in some more food. It's not until his plate is empty and he's trying to start to digest the food that he recognizes that they're talking about Jesse.

"I don't want to push, but he really needs to eat something," his mom is saying. "He hasn't left his room all afternoon, let alone all week."

"The boy just isn't hungry; his heart is broken."

"What's-what's going on?" Andrew asks before he realizes what he did. Jesse will always matter to Andrew, but he's not so sure it's the other way around.

His mom looks at Jesse's dad a bit anxiously, so he takes over. "Jesse's taking the break up rather hard."

Andrew purses his lips together and nods as if he knew or understood or something. Anna broke up with him? He can only imagine what Jesse is going through.

He offers to take up some lasagna to Jesse after he's sat there awhile, once he's thinking it and it's fresh out of his brain so he can't take it back. His mother makes a beautiful tray, with dinner and cookies and hot tea and an extra slice of chocolate cake, just in case. It's a long walk up the stairs, but he's in front of Jesse's door before he realizes it and then he's knocking and he can't breathe.

"I don't want--" Jesse starts as he opens the door, but stops when he sees it's Andrew instead.

He looks horrible and Andrew doesn't want to credit himself the reason for the dark circles under his eyes because these feelings are unrequited, but he does know that he could have helped. Andrew could have lessened the load. Jesse is fragile; his heart is too big and open and loving, just like himself. He had been doing so well lately, not being as nervous or self-doubting as he was. It would be horrible to see Jesse revert back into where he started.

"You've-you've been avoiding me," Jesse gets straight out and Andrew should have prepared himself the onslaught of it all or, at least, for Jesse's voice. It's scratchy and low and distant and, worse of all, hurt.

"I brought you dinner," is all he can offer back with a shrug and a sorry smile.

Jesse lets him in anyway and the shades are drawn so it's so dark in the room. There are thick books piled by his bead and a few half-empty glasses strewn here and there. He seems smaller in the room, like it's swallowed him up and spit him back out all wrong. Andrew feels like that too, so maybe it's not all different. Jesse drinks some tea and stares out his window, making no means to speak. He was wrong; things are different.

"I heard about Anna," Andrew tries to delicately put out there. But it comes out jerky and fast. It's never ever been this hard with Jesse. He's the one who did this."I'm sorry." And he knows that he means for everything.

There's a moment and Jesse just nods and continues to look out the window. Andrew wants to scream to look at him because he has something to say, but he really doesn't. He just wants to take things back or something. Make it like it was in the beginning. He doesn't think he can ever make it right, but maybe he can make it work. But he doesn't do anything. Instead, he sits on Jesse's computer chair and waits because this can't continue on.

"She told me I wasn't emotionally invested," he hears Jesse start and it's low. "She said I couldn't give her everything she wanted."

Andrew huffs, "That doesn't even make sense." Because those are lines and Jesse deserved more than that. Because Anna was stupid if she didn't want Jesse. He knew he couldn't beat her up for breaking Jesse's heart, but maybe he could slice some tires or spread some rumors. Because Jesse would never hurt a fly and because there was no excuse for-
.
"She said I was too wrapped up in you," Jesse's voice breaks through Andrew's thoughts and it's then that he realizes that Jesse's attention is now on him.

"What?" It's mainly just breath because what? "What does that even mean?" He hopes it doesn't come out as hysterical as he feels.

There's another pause and Andrew really wants a cigarette. He like, really really wants one; his hands are shaking because of it.

"You can't just...You can't just kiss me and say things when you're drunk and then not talk to me for a month. You can't do that. You're not allowed. It's just not-' He goes silent and Andrew can't breathe. He can't fucking breathe. "Did I-Was it me? Did I do something wrong?"

Andrew's heart is breaking because the look on Jesse's face... it's devastating and destroying. It's like when you find out Santa isn't real during a fight between your parents, screaming about divorce. He wants to scoop him up and shield him from it all, to protect him from all the world, but it doesn't really work if he's the one who's causing it all.

"Jess-baby, no, no, no," and Andrew's tripping over things to get over to Jesse. He looks so scared, but Andrew grabs his hands anyway and he can't tell exactly who's shaking, but it could be them both. "It's...You're perfect. Honestly. You're-you're just amazing. It's not you, it's-it's me. It's...this situation. It's-I-I can't fuck this up for everyone. You mean so, so much to me. And your dad is amazing and my mom has never been this happy before and she loves you so much too and this is all I've ever wanted and I-I love you so much and I can't let my feelings mess up our family because I need you in my life and-"

The words die on his lips as Jesse is playing with the pads of his fingertips and this feels like home. Jesse is his home. He's starting to think the only way this can end is badly. He thought that maybe he could ignore this and go back to something else, something easy, but now he doesn't think he could. Because as long as Jesse is Jesse, Andrew will never be able to stop these feelings.

"I have- I have feelings too," Jesse starts and he's just staring at their hands. Until, well, he's looking straight into Andrew's soul it feels like. He shakes his head as if to straighten things out. "For you. I mean, the feeling's mutual. Like-I think I've-It's always... I always wanted it to be you, too."

Andrew doesn't know what's happening but it seems like it's then best thing ever. Like Andrew can feel this happening but it's a dream and Andrew's actually somewhere else and this is an out of body experience. Jesse is smiling, but it's a bit wary and Andrew just wants to kiss him so badly to reassure him, but he can't fuck this up and he doesn't know if that's okay.

"Tell me what you're saying, Jess. Just please...I want to make sure. I don't want to fuck this up this time. I just-"

And Jesse didn't tell him anything. Instead, he did the most adorable thing in the history of the fucking world and licked his bottom lip and drug his teeth over it and then stared at Andrew's lips and then at his eyes. It was a ghost of a kiss, just the whispering of one on his lips and it was subtle and nervous and timid. And Andrew was just frozen in time because is this even real life? He didn't know what to do because he's so good at fucking things up and he didn't want this to stop. His stomach's doing these things and his chest's also doing these things and it was like they were battling against each other to make Andrew a nervous fucking wreck. But then Jesse pulled back a bit and looked up at Andrew through his eyelashes as if he was making sure. It's so coy and hot. He's not sure what Jesse saw in his face, but he gave this smirk-like smile and Andrew's stomach dropped and then Jesse grabbed Andrew's lips for another kiss and then the battling feelings traveled straight to his dick because Jesse was running his teeth over his bottom lip and then sucking on the offended flesh.

Andrew wanted to say something poetic or meaningful or something so when they looked back on this moment, it could easily be seen as a point where their life changed. But instead he just makes noises in the back of his throat, almost a moan, and grabs Jesse's face and does what he has wanted to do since he met him. It's not fluid or smooth because Andrew can't stop smiling against Jesse's mouth and he feels so desperate and needy and Jesse is nervously laughing against him, but it's perfect, perfect, perfect because it's Jesse. Andrew wants nothing more than to wrap Jesse's legs around his waist and push him up against the wall so they're closer. He wants to press him until there is no space between them. He wants them to be one.

But he pulls back before he does something stupid or something he regrets because he wants to get this right, even though Jesse is making those fucking noises, the ones that go straight to Andrew's dick and they are doing things to his dick at the moment, but it's okay this time because he made Jesse make those noises and he now knows he can make Jesse make them again.

"I want to do this right," Andrew starts as he pushes curls behind Jesse's ear. "I want to do us right." Andrew knows he's smiling ridiculously. "Let me court you."

Jesse smiles and nods and bites the corner of his lip and Andrew places a small kiss there because he can.

"Come on," Andrew says and leads Jesse to the bed where the food tray is "You need to eat."

So they lay on the bed and Andrew watches Jesse eat and Jesse is flustered by all the attention, but he doesn't care.

"I love you," Andrew whispers as he kisses some chocolate cake off Jesse's lips. It's just wonderful.

"I love you too," Jesse mumbles against Andrew's lips.

Jesse backs away after a while and intertwines his fingers with Andrew's.

This feels right. This feels like home and Andrew knows he will fight for this, fight for it all. With Jesse by his side, he won't mess it up this time. Because Jesse is the best thing that has ever happened to him and Jesse is the best person Andrew knows and Jesse picked him.

Andrew smiles again because he's so goddamn happy and rests his head against Jesse's pillow and listens to Jesse speak about all those things he has learned in those big stacks of books beside his bed. Everything will be okay and Andrew knows this as he listens to Jesse talk about Russia and cats and musicals. Because Andrew might not have Jesse's firsts, but he will have all of his lasts.