(no subject)
I think Tezuka suspects... something. Maybe. I don't know. I suppose I wouldn't put it past him though. After all, he's... well, him. Someone whom I've known for so long. I don't think he knows exactly what's wrong with me yet though. Well, not what's wrong with me, just what's upsetting me.
I don't want to tell him, or worry him. He has other things to worry about. Other than me being stupid.
I am being stupid.
This shouldn't be affecting me this much.
I'm not sure... if I made what we had better, or worse. Because at least we were talking with each other before. And now it's just a distraction that's edging at the back of my mind. Always, did I do the right thing? But he won't be abused now, right? I did this for us, right? And instead, I should be worrying about training, the team, the Nationals, the Winter Ball coming up, homework, my studies... This should actually let me focus more on things that are important, and give me more time to do said things, but it isn't.
I never thought someone would affect me like this so much. Then again, I never thought I would love so soon. Not until Eiji walked into my life.
... I'm being stupid again.
What I need to do, is wake up. Until Tezuka comes back officially, I am still Seigaku's captain. A captain does not show this kind of weakness to his teammates. It's a wonder that everyone hasn't lost faith in me yet. So it's my duty to do something before they do lose faith.
Class representative, Winter Committee member, future doctor... All the things I want and should be working at accomplishing. But all I'm doing is lagging behind. I need to catch up again. I need to focus. I lived before, where I would laugh everyday and nothing really upset me to this extent. I lived without Eiji before.
I can't now, and I know that. I know that I probably will never get over Eiji - your first love, does anyone ever truly get over that? - and I know that this will stick to me forever, know that no matter what happens, I still wish we could be together, but I have to accept that and move on. Life was kind enough to let me meet Eiji, but it can't be kind all the time.
I'm going to stop moping around and being so depressed. I'm going to live, because that's what a living being does, and do what I can to be my best and give my all.
I'm going to be a good teammate, and a leader until Tezuka comes back.
I'm going to be determined, more daring and confident.
I'm going to... I'm going to talk to Eiji when I'm ready. Try to mend what's between us so that we can be friends again. I still want to be his friend, and I still want to hang out with him, and laugh and play and do all the things we used to. Even though I want more than just friendship, like what we had before our... break up. Even though I still love him, but if this is all I can get, then I'll be ok with this.
I'm going to try to be strong.