(01) if you love me, you don't love me in a way I understand.
if you love me, you don't love me in a way I understand.
woohyun/sunggyu
nc-17
(Thanks to everyone who has been reading so far and I'm sorry because the ending is rushed as hell and I can just blame my inability to preoperly close a story.)
part iii
He does fall asleep on the couch the minute they arrive to their dorm the next day. He usually doesn’t sleep that good at the hotels, but he hasn’t been sleeping much ever since he decided to stop his relationship with Sunggyu. He wakes up a couple of hours later when Sungyeol and Sungjong turn on the TV to play videogames. He stirs disoriented until he finally manages to sit down.
“Oh hyung, did we wake you up?” Sungjong asks.
“It’s ok.”
“See, I told you we were going to wake him!” Sungjong hits Sungyeol in the arm.
“Aish, you brat!”
They turn all their attention to fighting, and Woohyun takes the opportunity to stand up and go to his room. Sunggyu is there, sitting on the floor, taking some clothes from the wardrobe and pilling them up.
“Spring cleaning?” Woohyun says. They haven’t talked since this morning, and Sunggyu has been acting quite cold, so he assumes they are again where they were.
“Hm I’m actually changing rooms with Hoya.” And then it hits him that they aren’t even where they were: they are much worse.
“What? Why would you change rooms, hyung?”
Sunggyu finally turns to face him. He looks tired, he doesn’t think he has seen him with such big bags under his eyes before.
“I’m trying to make it easier for you, Woohyun. I don’t want to screw it again.”
Woohyun knows this is exactly what he has been asking for months: more space between him and Sunggyu that could help him get some perspective. But instead of that, he can only think of how hopeful the last sentence sounds.
“You don’t need to.”
“It’s probably for the best, we can’t cling into each other forever, Woohyun, you have a girlfriend now and I don’t want to get between you in any way.” he starts folding the t-shirts nervously, so Woohyun bends down by his side and holds his arm still.
“I’m really telling you I prefer if you don’t move out.”
Sunggyu looks at him again and sighs heavily.
“I have been thinking lately… I realized what a big mistake we made.” he whispers “We should have never done it to start with.”
Now it’s Woohyun the one who feels the urge to look away.
“Sunggyu, you’re not hurting me in the way you think you are.”
Woohyun feels Sunggyu suddenly holding his hand so he turns to look at him in the eyes. They are way too close for him to feel comfortable, although sometimes even being in the same room as Sunggyu turns out to be unbearable.
“Then tell me how I am hurting you. I really need to know.”
“Maybe… maybe I want you to get in between.”
Sunggyu flusters and his face seems to be hit by realization the fraction of second before Hoya comes stumbling into the room.
“Hyung, do we really have to change rooms? You don’t get an idea of how many things I have, it will take me forever!”
Sunggyu turns to look at Woohyun and realizes they are still holding hands when the younger applies a little more pressure on his hand. He turns to Hoya again and roughly pulls his hand back.
“Yes, Hoya, a change will be good for all of us.”
Hoya looks at both of them confused and then makes a move to get out of the room.
“Hoya, could you please tell Sungjong to come and help me pack my stuff?” Sunggyu says.
“Sure, hyung.”
Woohyun bolts out of the room even before Hoya does.
Hoya tries to ask Woohyun about the incident a couple of times while they are alone in the room before sleeping, but all the members know that Woohyun is sneaky and you can’t make him talk about something he doesn’t want to talk about. Sungyeol asks everyday why did they change rooms, and Sungjong whines around the dorm that he’s a victim and that Woohyun did something wrong and now he has to pay the price by sharing a room with Sunggyu. After a couple of weeks they forget about it.
Woohyun spends more time with the other members since Sunggyu is making his best to avoid him. He enjoys listening to music with Hoya , watching TV with Dongwoo and playing videogames with Sungyeol more than he thought he would, but he still finds himself going to the rooftop once in a while hoping he will casually bump into Sunggyu. Sunggyu doesn’t go there anymore, and Woohyun is pretty sure he has found a new secret place because the dorm doesn’t smell like smoke anymore but he still finds crumpled cigarette packs in the garbage can once in a while.
“So how are you doing with Hoya? Everything ok?”
Sungyeol snores from the coach. Woohyun moves, trying to change his posture, but Myungsoo’s head is on his lap so he moves awkwardly and almost spills the only bottle in the table that still has some soju. He counts ten on the table; Sungjong, Hoya and Dongwoo are nowhere to be seen, but he’s pretty sure they have had some too. Nobody has drunk more than Sunggyu, though. He can tolerate alcohol pretty good, but his face is red and his eyes glowing, meaning he is definitely drunk.
Woohyun is somehow glad. He didn’t think his relationship with Sunggyu could be so awkward; even at the worst times, they couldn’t really stay angry or just distant for more than a couple of days. It has been weeks, though, and Sunggyu barely talks to him directly, never touches him, and most of the times just ignores him. Even the CEO has told them to resolve their problems because the fans are noticing. So talking to Sunggyu so naturally again almost feels wrong. Woohyun wonders if he’s hallucinating, because he’s definitely taken more soju than he can handle too, but then Sunggyu puts a face and he realizes that, hallucination or not, he’s taking ages to answer and it’s starting to look weird.
“Yeah, it’s ok, he sleeps with the music too loud sometimes, but he’s much cleaner than you so I think the change is worth it.”
“Hey!” Myungsoo shifts in his sleep and when Sunggyu notices, he starts whispering “I may not be your roommate anymore, but I’m still your hyung and your leader.”
Woohyun smiles sadly “It’s still weird, though, not being in the same room as you after all these years”
He feels the leader moving uneasy beside him and for a moment he thinks he won’t answer or most probably will dismiss the topic with a joke.
“Woohyun, I… I was ok the first time you told me you had a girlfriend, I guess I didn’t really believe it or I thought… I don’t know, but when Sungyeol came to tell me you really liked someone… this is stupid but I-I felt… I felt jealous”
“It’s not stupid at all, hyung, not at all.”
They look into each other’s eyes for a minute, before Sunggyu’s eyes start closing. He leans on the table and a minute later he’s snoring.
Woohyun tries to find something in Sunggyu’s eyes next day, some sign that he remembers his conversation. Sunggyu’s face is impenetrable, but when Woohyun hears him telling Dongwoo in the living room that he doesn’t remember anything from last night, he knows that Sunggyu remembers everything.
It’s late that night when the managers tell them they have another free afternoon in a couple of days.
“But I don’t want to stay in the dorm again.” Dongwoo pouts “We always end up watching horror movies.”
“Let’s go do something fun.” Sungyeol bawls “Noraebang!”
Myungsoo claps and Sungjong nods frantically “Can we, hyung?”
“Yeah, why not.” Sunggyu says pensively.
“Can we invite more people? My friend from the drama always says he wants to hang out with us.” Hoya asks.
“I also want to invite someone!”
“Me too!”
“Yeah, Sungjong should invite some friends because they are all girls” Sungyeol laughs excited.
“Why don’t you bring your girlfriend over, Woohyun? I really wanna meet her.” Sunggyu says suddenly. He isn’t exactly looking at Woohyun, and all the members come down from the ecstasy waiting for a response.
Woohyun doesn’t say anything, but after a while, he silently stands up and walks to his room, closing the door behind him.
“What…?” Sungyeol mumbles, before Sunggyu stands up too and follows Woohyun. They all look at each other dumbfounded.
When Sunggyu gets into the room, Woohyun is leaning out of the window with his back towards the door.
“I can’t believe you just said that.” he says, not even turning to check if it’s Sunggyu who just came in.
Sunggyu just stays silent.
“You can’t possibly think I really have a girlfriend, can you? You can’t be that dense.”
“I was hoping you did have a girlfriend.” Sunggyu whispers finally.
“You were hoping?” Woohyun voice comes strained.
“That would have made things much easier”
“For whom? For me? Or for you?”
“For the both of us. I just want you to be happy, Woohyun.”
Woohyun finally turns and Sunggyu is there, standing in the middle of the room looking at him and apparently not knowing what to do with his hands.
“I don’t need a girlfriend to be happy.”
“I don’t even know what you need to be happy.”
With a couple of strides Woohyun is right in front of Sunggyu, close but not enough. He leans in a bit but then suddenly holds back, and they stay like this, looking into each other’s eyes for the longest time, until finally Sunggyu closes the distance and kisses him. It’s only lips touching for a while, until Sunggyu opens his mouth and softly bites Woohyun’s lower lip. They kiss like this for a long time, delicate as if they were afraid they may hurt the other, barely tasting each other’s tongues but caressing and nibbling. Woohyun thinks, after all the times they have had sex, this is probably the most intimate thing they have ever done.
They sleep in the same bed that night, both fully clothed. Hoya gets to sleep in his old bed again.
“I don’t know who’s the girl, but God bless her.” Sungyeol says when Sunggyu leaves with one of the managers.
“He even said I did well today, there’s something wrong with him.” Myungsoo frowns.
“Obviously getting laid. And she seems to be good at it.”
“Hyung, you’re so coarse!” Sungjong throws his sweaty towel to him, and Sungyeol squeals.
Doongwoo seems pensive “Maybe he’s in love.”
Woohyun, who had remained silent so far, laughs stupidly and curls on the floor.
“Is he retarded?” Sungyeol says.
“Maybe he’s in love too, didn’t Sunggyu say something about a girlfriend?”
Woohyun giggles a bit from his position on the floor.
“No, I think he’s just retarded.”
end.
part i
parti ii
woohyun/sunggyu
nc-17
(Thanks to everyone who has been reading so far and I'm sorry because the ending is rushed as hell and I can just blame my inability to preoperly close a story.)
part iii
He does fall asleep on the couch the minute they arrive to their dorm the next day. He usually doesn’t sleep that good at the hotels, but he hasn’t been sleeping much ever since he decided to stop his relationship with Sunggyu. He wakes up a couple of hours later when Sungyeol and Sungjong turn on the TV to play videogames. He stirs disoriented until he finally manages to sit down.
“Oh hyung, did we wake you up?” Sungjong asks.
“It’s ok.”
“See, I told you we were going to wake him!” Sungjong hits Sungyeol in the arm.
“Aish, you brat!”
They turn all their attention to fighting, and Woohyun takes the opportunity to stand up and go to his room. Sunggyu is there, sitting on the floor, taking some clothes from the wardrobe and pilling them up.
“Spring cleaning?” Woohyun says. They haven’t talked since this morning, and Sunggyu has been acting quite cold, so he assumes they are again where they were.
“Hm I’m actually changing rooms with Hoya.” And then it hits him that they aren’t even where they were: they are much worse.
“What? Why would you change rooms, hyung?”
Sunggyu finally turns to face him. He looks tired, he doesn’t think he has seen him with such big bags under his eyes before.
“I’m trying to make it easier for you, Woohyun. I don’t want to screw it again.”
Woohyun knows this is exactly what he has been asking for months: more space between him and Sunggyu that could help him get some perspective. But instead of that, he can only think of how hopeful the last sentence sounds.
“You don’t need to.”
“It’s probably for the best, we can’t cling into each other forever, Woohyun, you have a girlfriend now and I don’t want to get between you in any way.” he starts folding the t-shirts nervously, so Woohyun bends down by his side and holds his arm still.
“I’m really telling you I prefer if you don’t move out.”
Sunggyu looks at him again and sighs heavily.
“I have been thinking lately… I realized what a big mistake we made.” he whispers “We should have never done it to start with.”
Now it’s Woohyun the one who feels the urge to look away.
“Sunggyu, you’re not hurting me in the way you think you are.”
Woohyun feels Sunggyu suddenly holding his hand so he turns to look at him in the eyes. They are way too close for him to feel comfortable, although sometimes even being in the same room as Sunggyu turns out to be unbearable.
“Then tell me how I am hurting you. I really need to know.”
“Maybe… maybe I want you to get in between.”
Sunggyu flusters and his face seems to be hit by realization the fraction of second before Hoya comes stumbling into the room.
“Hyung, do we really have to change rooms? You don’t get an idea of how many things I have, it will take me forever!”
Sunggyu turns to look at Woohyun and realizes they are still holding hands when the younger applies a little more pressure on his hand. He turns to Hoya again and roughly pulls his hand back.
“Yes, Hoya, a change will be good for all of us.”
Hoya looks at both of them confused and then makes a move to get out of the room.
“Hoya, could you please tell Sungjong to come and help me pack my stuff?” Sunggyu says.
“Sure, hyung.”
Woohyun bolts out of the room even before Hoya does.
Hoya tries to ask Woohyun about the incident a couple of times while they are alone in the room before sleeping, but all the members know that Woohyun is sneaky and you can’t make him talk about something he doesn’t want to talk about. Sungyeol asks everyday why did they change rooms, and Sungjong whines around the dorm that he’s a victim and that Woohyun did something wrong and now he has to pay the price by sharing a room with Sunggyu. After a couple of weeks they forget about it.
Woohyun spends more time with the other members since Sunggyu is making his best to avoid him. He enjoys listening to music with Hoya , watching TV with Dongwoo and playing videogames with Sungyeol more than he thought he would, but he still finds himself going to the rooftop once in a while hoping he will casually bump into Sunggyu. Sunggyu doesn’t go there anymore, and Woohyun is pretty sure he has found a new secret place because the dorm doesn’t smell like smoke anymore but he still finds crumpled cigarette packs in the garbage can once in a while.
“So how are you doing with Hoya? Everything ok?”
Sungyeol snores from the coach. Woohyun moves, trying to change his posture, but Myungsoo’s head is on his lap so he moves awkwardly and almost spills the only bottle in the table that still has some soju. He counts ten on the table; Sungjong, Hoya and Dongwoo are nowhere to be seen, but he’s pretty sure they have had some too. Nobody has drunk more than Sunggyu, though. He can tolerate alcohol pretty good, but his face is red and his eyes glowing, meaning he is definitely drunk.
Woohyun is somehow glad. He didn’t think his relationship with Sunggyu could be so awkward; even at the worst times, they couldn’t really stay angry or just distant for more than a couple of days. It has been weeks, though, and Sunggyu barely talks to him directly, never touches him, and most of the times just ignores him. Even the CEO has told them to resolve their problems because the fans are noticing. So talking to Sunggyu so naturally again almost feels wrong. Woohyun wonders if he’s hallucinating, because he’s definitely taken more soju than he can handle too, but then Sunggyu puts a face and he realizes that, hallucination or not, he’s taking ages to answer and it’s starting to look weird.
“Yeah, it’s ok, he sleeps with the music too loud sometimes, but he’s much cleaner than you so I think the change is worth it.”
“Hey!” Myungsoo shifts in his sleep and when Sunggyu notices, he starts whispering “I may not be your roommate anymore, but I’m still your hyung and your leader.”
Woohyun smiles sadly “It’s still weird, though, not being in the same room as you after all these years”
He feels the leader moving uneasy beside him and for a moment he thinks he won’t answer or most probably will dismiss the topic with a joke.
“Woohyun, I… I was ok the first time you told me you had a girlfriend, I guess I didn’t really believe it or I thought… I don’t know, but when Sungyeol came to tell me you really liked someone… this is stupid but I-I felt… I felt jealous”
“It’s not stupid at all, hyung, not at all.”
They look into each other’s eyes for a minute, before Sunggyu’s eyes start closing. He leans on the table and a minute later he’s snoring.
Woohyun tries to find something in Sunggyu’s eyes next day, some sign that he remembers his conversation. Sunggyu’s face is impenetrable, but when Woohyun hears him telling Dongwoo in the living room that he doesn’t remember anything from last night, he knows that Sunggyu remembers everything.
It’s late that night when the managers tell them they have another free afternoon in a couple of days.
“But I don’t want to stay in the dorm again.” Dongwoo pouts “We always end up watching horror movies.”
“Let’s go do something fun.” Sungyeol bawls “Noraebang!”
Myungsoo claps and Sungjong nods frantically “Can we, hyung?”
“Yeah, why not.” Sunggyu says pensively.
“Can we invite more people? My friend from the drama always says he wants to hang out with us.” Hoya asks.
“I also want to invite someone!”
“Me too!”
“Yeah, Sungjong should invite some friends because they are all girls” Sungyeol laughs excited.
“Why don’t you bring your girlfriend over, Woohyun? I really wanna meet her.” Sunggyu says suddenly. He isn’t exactly looking at Woohyun, and all the members come down from the ecstasy waiting for a response.
Woohyun doesn’t say anything, but after a while, he silently stands up and walks to his room, closing the door behind him.
“What…?” Sungyeol mumbles, before Sunggyu stands up too and follows Woohyun. They all look at each other dumbfounded.
When Sunggyu gets into the room, Woohyun is leaning out of the window with his back towards the door.
“I can’t believe you just said that.” he says, not even turning to check if it’s Sunggyu who just came in.
Sunggyu just stays silent.
“You can’t possibly think I really have a girlfriend, can you? You can’t be that dense.”
“I was hoping you did have a girlfriend.” Sunggyu whispers finally.
“You were hoping?” Woohyun voice comes strained.
“That would have made things much easier”
“For whom? For me? Or for you?”
“For the both of us. I just want you to be happy, Woohyun.”
Woohyun finally turns and Sunggyu is there, standing in the middle of the room looking at him and apparently not knowing what to do with his hands.
“I don’t need a girlfriend to be happy.”
“I don’t even know what you need to be happy.”
With a couple of strides Woohyun is right in front of Sunggyu, close but not enough. He leans in a bit but then suddenly holds back, and they stay like this, looking into each other’s eyes for the longest time, until finally Sunggyu closes the distance and kisses him. It’s only lips touching for a while, until Sunggyu opens his mouth and softly bites Woohyun’s lower lip. They kiss like this for a long time, delicate as if they were afraid they may hurt the other, barely tasting each other’s tongues but caressing and nibbling. Woohyun thinks, after all the times they have had sex, this is probably the most intimate thing they have ever done.
They sleep in the same bed that night, both fully clothed. Hoya gets to sleep in his old bed again.
“I don’t know who’s the girl, but God bless her.” Sungyeol says when Sunggyu leaves with one of the managers.
“He even said I did well today, there’s something wrong with him.” Myungsoo frowns.
“Obviously getting laid. And she seems to be good at it.”
“Hyung, you’re so coarse!” Sungjong throws his sweaty towel to him, and Sungyeol squeals.
Doongwoo seems pensive “Maybe he’s in love.”
Woohyun, who had remained silent so far, laughs stupidly and curls on the floor.
“Is he retarded?” Sungyeol says.
“Maybe he’s in love too, didn’t Sunggyu say something about a girlfriend?”
Woohyun giggles a bit from his position on the floor.
“No, I think he’s just retarded.”
end.
part i
parti ii