end of semester
I think I need to write about my semester for a while to process it. I'm not sure that livejournal is the appropriate venue. It's certainly a convenient one, though, so perhaps I'll start here.
I'm still not sure if I want to do math grad school or cs grad school. I vacillate. I think math is awesome. I also think I'm not a gifted mathematician. I'm good, but there are a lot of people out there smarter than me. I was talking with this guy yesterday who had this great G.K. Chesterton quote: "Anything worth doing is worth doing badly." i.e. if something is really worthwhile, it's worthwhile whether or not you're good at it. I think that's right, and I think I haven't internalized it. I also think I should read some G.K. Chesterton over break.
but I don't think I'm a gifted cs person either. I think I'm better, but not great.
what I think is screwing me up is that I want to *learn* math, but I want to *do* computer science. Maybe. no, I like doing math too. witness: how freaking excited I am about squares. because we ACTUALLY PROVED something. like, there were things that no mathematician in the world had known before, and we found them! how amazing is that?! it's a total high. maybe I'm scared that I'm a lot better at learning math than doing it, though. it seems so unlikely that I'll be able to prove more things again in the future. but that's such a woman thing! actually, probably men go through it too, but for some reason, it seems to keep a lot of women out of the field. It is like another of my favorite quotes: "It is hard to fight an enemy who has outposts in your head." I need to be fighting.
maybe I think cs is more interdisciplinary. I kind of want to finagle my way into something logic/cog sci/philosophy related, maybe. but, math! I miss math when I'm not doing it! and I'd forgotten how awesome calculus is. (I'd also forgotten calculus.) but then, I take analysis, and it's an amazing class! and yeah, cs and math are super related, and at some places I could pretty much study the same thing whether I was in a cs or math program, but but but that's discrete stuff. I hate counting arguments. Ok, not hate. Just recognize that they're not a strength of mine. I like infinity. because it's weird and hard to think about. I like things that are weird and hard to think about.
but then you look at the stuff that cs professors are studying, and it's so cool! like, algorithmic game theory. (ok, yes, I know all the creepy dr strangelove mutually assured destruction connotations of game theory to begin with, but this is interesting. I promise you.) and as much as I love theoretical things, at some point, I need applied stuff in my life, and with applied cs you could make beautiful graphics, or a robot that learns, or a computer that composes music. with applied math, you model things with differential equations.
so I don't know. also, I don't know where to apply for math. also, I don't know how and when I'm getting home.
also, I love my mathies. also, one of them and I went to see Milk with some friends she's made through an Algebraic Geometry seminar at UMass. good movie. good (slightly awkward) conversation afterwards. They're all mount holyoke/umass professors. they are all wicked smart. and I'm back to gk chesterton. the one who quoted that thinks he peaked is sophomore year of college. and then he went to math grad school at penn and now he's a professor at one of the top liberal arts college in the country. another one is creating some world-changing startup in his spare time. He was on the phone with Craig Newmark the other day. He's talking with founders of Google. I do not think I can measure up. Here I was stressing over a stupid quadratic reciprocity problem I got wrong on my Number Theory exam, and why am I even bothering?
ok, so now, all of a sudden, I don't have time to swim today! FUCK! damn the pool with their being open only 2.5 hours a day. I think I'm going to go to the gym at least. It's been a little long. then back to squares. have I mentioned how cool squares are lately?
I'm still not sure if I want to do math grad school or cs grad school. I vacillate. I think math is awesome. I also think I'm not a gifted mathematician. I'm good, but there are a lot of people out there smarter than me. I was talking with this guy yesterday who had this great G.K. Chesterton quote: "Anything worth doing is worth doing badly." i.e. if something is really worthwhile, it's worthwhile whether or not you're good at it. I think that's right, and I think I haven't internalized it. I also think I should read some G.K. Chesterton over break.
but I don't think I'm a gifted cs person either. I think I'm better, but not great.
what I think is screwing me up is that I want to *learn* math, but I want to *do* computer science. Maybe. no, I like doing math too. witness: how freaking excited I am about squares. because we ACTUALLY PROVED something. like, there were things that no mathematician in the world had known before, and we found them! how amazing is that?! it's a total high. maybe I'm scared that I'm a lot better at learning math than doing it, though. it seems so unlikely that I'll be able to prove more things again in the future. but that's such a woman thing! actually, probably men go through it too, but for some reason, it seems to keep a lot of women out of the field. It is like another of my favorite quotes: "It is hard to fight an enemy who has outposts in your head." I need to be fighting.
maybe I think cs is more interdisciplinary. I kind of want to finagle my way into something logic/cog sci/philosophy related, maybe. but, math! I miss math when I'm not doing it! and I'd forgotten how awesome calculus is. (I'd also forgotten calculus.) but then, I take analysis, and it's an amazing class! and yeah, cs and math are super related, and at some places I could pretty much study the same thing whether I was in a cs or math program, but but but that's discrete stuff. I hate counting arguments. Ok, not hate. Just recognize that they're not a strength of mine. I like infinity. because it's weird and hard to think about. I like things that are weird and hard to think about.
but then you look at the stuff that cs professors are studying, and it's so cool! like, algorithmic game theory. (ok, yes, I know all the creepy dr strangelove mutually assured destruction connotations of game theory to begin with, but this is interesting. I promise you.) and as much as I love theoretical things, at some point, I need applied stuff in my life, and with applied cs you could make beautiful graphics, or a robot that learns, or a computer that composes music. with applied math, you model things with differential equations.
so I don't know. also, I don't know where to apply for math. also, I don't know how and when I'm getting home.
also, I love my mathies. also, one of them and I went to see Milk with some friends she's made through an Algebraic Geometry seminar at UMass. good movie. good (slightly awkward) conversation afterwards. They're all mount holyoke/umass professors. they are all wicked smart. and I'm back to gk chesterton. the one who quoted that thinks he peaked is sophomore year of college. and then he went to math grad school at penn and now he's a professor at one of the top liberal arts college in the country. another one is creating some world-changing startup in his spare time. He was on the phone with Craig Newmark the other day. He's talking with founders of Google. I do not think I can measure up. Here I was stressing over a stupid quadratic reciprocity problem I got wrong on my Number Theory exam, and why am I even bothering?
ok, so now, all of a sudden, I don't have time to swim today! FUCK! damn the pool with their being open only 2.5 hours a day. I think I'm going to go to the gym at least. It's been a little long. then back to squares. have I mentioned how cool squares are lately?