Fuck you all: I do this for me.
So I'm trying to be a better person. One piece of evidence is that this is the third rewrite to knock the rough edges off this thing.
Oh, lawsy its a challenge!
Its hard to break habits and so easy to accept neutral responses as negative reinforcement. So I thank the people who have provided me with positive reinforcement and coaching. but for the rest:
FUCK YOU ONE AND ALL. I DO THIS FOR ME.
Daily exercise is a sincere pain in the ass. Fuck these motivational speeches people give you - They're liars and they're trying to convince you that all this exercise is good. Like a church they want you to believe the effort they invested is worthwhile so you join and reinforce the percieved value of their investment of time. I do it for me. Because I feel deficient. Because for the longest time I was aggressively resistant to feeling unattractive.
Full time work and school sucks. For every one of you lucky motherfuckers who had family to support you while you went to school I'd like to say: I want to slap you in the face when you suggest this is easy. When you suggest that fighting for just passing grades is underachieving you can officially go play in traffic. Unlike you I went back to school on my dime, on my time. I give up time with friends and loved ones so I can be proud of me. If I'm lucky my loved ones are proud of me for it, and understanding that sometimes it means I can't spend time with them. Its easy to call someone smart, but its hard to actually feel it. If I'm so smart why is my life a shambles?
Speaking my mind about the things important to me can be almost impossible. I'm trapped by doing what I think is proper, and trying to protect myself. Self deprecation is a defense mechanism I've clung to for two decades. I'll confess I never got over my parent's divorce - one left me feeling abandoned (oh! these issues come later. have no fear!) and the other was overwhelmed and used every dirty trick they could to maintain control. I became paranoid in self defense - normal teen emotion and reaching out for help became a means of control. I have all these strange rules about what is proper and good because of it. I have trouble telling anyone they're special because I'm afraid and expecting to have to deflect it being used against me. I'm doing it because I'm tired of being afraid of people.
This has of course broken my mind about children too. Children are disproportionately precious to me. They scare the crap out of me because I don't want to leave them messed up like I am, and I empathize with them. Do I get along with them? Hell yeah. Because I see shit that divorced parents don't always. I see the behaviors that my parents had, and how easy it is to let your child feel like they have the back seat. You know why your kid thinks I'm awesome? Why I can get them to tell me shit they won't tell you or eat new and interesting food? Because I know where they're coming from - changes in your role models are horrible for kids. It tears you up inside is a way you don't have words for.
I know my three favorite kids can't read this but here's the example:
1) Becoming a woman is hard (especially with the alternating cool and uncool parents you live with) much less the divorce and all the bullshit that followed. You deserve an adult that won't give you bullshit about can/can't do about their divorce in protecting you. They have to play that grownup game and it sucks - don't let it wear at the fact they love you. Your ultramacho superstructured maniac man-child loves you as much as flesh and blood. Sometimes its just hiding behind what he thinks is best.
2)You're just coming out of your fantasy world and learning people can be cool. Parents don't stop loving you, and people don't just go away and forget you. New things can be really good - new foods are the safest way to remind you of that. Explore a little more because it makes people as proud as you just being 'good'.
3)Being an only child is the hardest thing I can imagine. There's a lot of alone time that books and video games can't fill. Parents can be really unfair and step-parents even more. Being the rock-star center of attention isn't the only time you're special and that lonely keeps coming back.
Poly relationships are fucking hard. For all of you who whine about your monogamous relationships being hard let's swap shoes. Try to juggle two people and make them feel special, wanted, and respected. Try to give them all the time you want to knowing that you don't have enough hours in the day and scheduling around them both. You know that feeling you get when you can't go out with your love, or when you can't quite communicate with them successfully? I've another bucket of it over here. Jealousy? You would not believe the jealousy that has the be contended with. Communication...every failure has much more far reaching results. You think trying to understand why someone isn't talking to you is hard? Try explaining your response without making your other feel less important. Try apologizing. Try asking for more attention. Try letting one go.
And for that motherfucker in the back that thinks its all about sex - say it to my face. Put up or shut up.
Being a switch is an outright bitch. I met someone I could switch with - they're every bit as banged up as me. I never got a chance to say 'I want to try to trust you.' and I'll be spending a long time rebuilding that courage in me.
Courage. This is the one that I'm having the most trouble with. All of this I've gone on about comes down to one thing - I'm tired of being the cowardly lion. Some folks have seen this in my behavior over the last few weeks and wondered 'WTF?!?' well this is why. I'm tired of being a chicken. I'm tired of deprecating myself. I'm tired of not speaking my mind to people I care for. I'm tired of living afraid.
I'm going to be much less afraid for a while.
Pray to your gods.