Why I Am Awesome: A Comparitative Study Part One.
To Allen:
Here is my essay about Why I Am Awesome. If you want to read it, you can, but I don't recommend it unless you have an hour of spare time. It'll be one of my rare public entries.
Why I am Awesome: A Comparative Study
I am so awesome that I had to single-space this to get all sixteen thousand words to fit. In order to write this essay properly, I had to research and obtain information on other, less-awesome people. Such as Dan Lawrence. Dan Lawrence provides the following guide for being awesome:
Tonight I had a nice chinese meal in a Coventry restaurant known as Wing Wah's. They had this lovely idea of playing happy birthday to everyone who's birthday it was and presenting them with a birthday treat. Very nice. Except, that this being a very large establishment, the birthday tune was being played almost every five minutes while we were in the restaurant, which kind of ruined the specialness of it happening for the birthday people I imagine.
If only they had been as awesome as me.
People are often asking me how it is that I came to be so awesome. It wasn't easy let me tell you, long hours of working up the ranks of the merely special, a few months spent in the annals of the truly great and even a short spell of infamy. Yet I managed it, because inside I was always awesome. While obviously very few of you will be able to achieve as much brilliance as me, I believe that I can point you in the right direction. Who knows armed with this advice you may one day be able to stand just behind me and proudly say, "I could almost see over Dan's shoulder".
So without further introduction I present:
Dan's Guide to being awesome (or at least getting close)
Looking good
The most important part of being awesome is other people knowing just exactly how awesome you are. The only way they can infer this at a glance is from your consumate sense of carefree style. Now I can't make you all look beautiful or show you how to find your own style but I can show you how I developed mine, so that you can perhaps learn from my outstanding example.
• Never cut your hair. Why does this make you awesome? Take a look at history for example. Jesus. There was a chap who became world famous, so famous that people still talk about him centuries later. We don't know much for certain about Jesus but what everyone agrees on is that he had awesome long, flowing locks. If you still need convincing take a look at the least awesome group of people on the planet: chavs. Ever seen a chav with long hair? Thought not. Having longer hair increases your sexual potency, will result in frequent promotions and make everyone think you play in a rock band. Think how much money you will save by never visiting those charlatan barbers ever again.
• Dress like you mean it. Try getting a t-shirt with "I'm awesome" emblazoned across the front. Wear sunglasses indoors. Avoid anything that a chav might wear, anything your grandad might wear, anything that the tory party wear to look casual. If you have any items that fit all three types of people, burn them immediately and you'll instantly increase your level of excellence. Whatever the weather make sure you look as smart as a mensa president.
• Ironing. Completely worthless. Will only make you look like one of "them".
• Mirrors. Try to keep one on you at all times, nothing will keep you more awesome than being constanly reminded of how awesome you look with your uncut hair and snappy clothes. If you can't keep a mirror on you then try looking in passing shop windows, bodies of water or at other awesome people.
• Smoking. Smoking is right out. Hanging out with people who smoke is where its at. That way you can have all the ambience of smoke filled rooms without the wallet-damaging and health destroying addiction. Try to collect people who smoke cigars or pipes, as these produce the most smoke and are far more unusual, and therfore worth more points.
Feeling awesome
Being awesome isn't all about appearances its also about having an attitude that says "I'm so awesome I could probably invent special boots that let me walk up the sides of buildings and shout from the top through a megaphone about how awesome I am before parachuting to safety while signing autographs". That's the kind of attitude that distinguishes the whipped cream from the squirty kind. Hence:
• Give less of a shit. Agonizing over every little descision like whether that road is clear or whether hemlock is in fact perfectly safe in small doses only wastes valuable time that could be spent being awesome. Don't fret over the smaller things in life they'll work themselves out, thats what your groupies are for.
• Be enthusiastic. About everything that happens to you. If tragedy strikes then embrace it.For example, in a boring lecture try asking a question every fifteen minutes or offer to get up and teach the class. Try taping the lecturer and playing extracts back to them in seminars with a thoughtful commentry provided by you.
• Walk everywhere. Noone can see you on a bus or in a car, this way you'll always arrive fashionably late.
• Publicise yourself. Set up your own magazine to showcase your own talents, the articles should all be about you. Hand out flyers with your face on and a description of your prodigious talents. Walk around with a megaphone proclaiming your amazingness to anyone within earshot. Make use of any opportunity that presents itself to make yourself better known. This will increase your reflected awesomeness because as more people learn about you, the more powerful you become.
• If in doubt; think like a pirate. As everyone knows pirates are one of the few universally awesome socio-economic groupings. If you are ever in any doubt in a particular situation just think to yourself 'What would a pirate do?' Guaranteed success. For example; you are out with a lady friend and she asks you to hold her handbag for a minute. Thinking like a pirate you pull out your cutlass stab everyone in sight and plunder their dubloons. You quickly sweep the wench over your shoulder and swing on a rope back to your ship where you tie her up and get drunk on rum and grog. Awesome.
I hope this guide has helped you a few steps closer to being awesome.
Who else is awesome? Chuck Norris. Why?:
1. Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
2. Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.
3. Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.
4. Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.
5. Chuck Norris lives by only one rule: No Asian Chicks.
6. Takeru Kobayashi ate 50 and a half hotdogs in 12 minutes. Chuck Norris ate 12 asian babies in 50 and a half minutes. Chuck Norris won.
7. The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise," and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.
8. Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.
9. Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't **** with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.
10. To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.
11. Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"
12. When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said, "Don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris."
13. Chuck Norris frequently signs up for beginner karate classes, just so he can "accidentally" beat the **** out of little kids.
14. Chuck Norris took my virginity, and he will sure as hell take yours. If you're thinking to yourself, "That's impossible, I already lost my virginity.", then you are dead wrong.
15. Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "booya".
16. Little Miss Muffet sat on her tuffet, until Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked her into a glacier.
17. When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.
18. In one episode of Fresh Prince of Bel Air, Chuck Norris replaced Carlton for one scene and nobody noticed.
19. Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
20. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
21. Chuck Norris punched a woman in the vagina when she didn't give him exact change.
22. Chuck Norris has every copy of National Geographic in his basement. He also has the ability to lift every single one of them at once.
23. Chuck Norris ruins the endings of Harry Potter books for children who just bought one for the hell of it. When they start crying Chuck Norris calmly says, "I'll give you something to cry about," and roundhouse kicks them in the face.
24. Chuck Norris found out about Conan O'Brien's lever that shows clips from "Walker: Texas Ranger" and is working on a way to make it show clips of Norris having sex with Conan's wife.
25. Chuck Norris once tried to sue Burger King after they refused to put razor wire in his Whopper Jr., insisting that that actually is "his" way.
26. Chuck Norris once went to a frat party, and proceeded to roundhouse every popped collar in sight. He then drank three kegs and **** on their floor, just because he's Chuck Norris.
27. At the end of each week, Chuck Norris murders a dozen white people just to prove he isn't a racist.
28. Chuck Norris doesn't have normal white blood cells like you and I. His have a small black ring around them. This signifies that they are black belts in every form of martial arts and they roundhouse kick the **** out of viruses. That's why Chuck Norris never gets ill.
29. If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.
30. The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
Pwned. Also, I possess the knowledge of how to win at life:
Life is a difficult and arduous game to play. There are not many ways to win that don't involve cheating, and most of them involve cheating. But it can be done, and I'm going to show you how. What follows is a definitive guide to how to win at life in the easiest possible way. Also outlined are the criteria for winning, so you will know whether you have won or not. Continuing to try to win after you had already won would mean you had lost.
All great thinkers, including but not limited to Sartre, Jesus, Chairman Mao, and Billy Joel, agree that to win at life one must achieve at least the following objectives:
-Have sex with twenty chicks at once.
-Own all the shares on the stock market.
-Win ten Olympic gold medals.
-Be hailed as the greatest artist of all time.
-Bring about world peace.
It is clear that to do anything less is to fail miserably and be deserved of slow painful death. But how can you do all these things, you ask? Well it's easier than you might think. You simply have to follow my guide! Read on.
The first thing you must do if you seriously intend to win at life is find someone win against. There is no point in winning anything unless you beat someone in doing so. Life is a competition, don't forget it. If you forget it, you have lost. Luckily, there is a whole world of schmucks out there who you can beat. Every time you walk down the street remember to think to yourself that everyone you see is a total schmuck and you can beat them easily. You will soon be on your way to winning the terrible, strenuous competition which is life.
To begin winning at life, you have to have the right attitude. If you don't have the right attitude, you might as well kill yourself. Look at yourself in the mirror every day with your sternest, angriest expression and say to yourself "I'm gonna win! AAAAAARGH!". Scream it at the top of your voice. Don't worry about your neighbours -- they are schmucks. You may be thinking to yourself, what if your neighbour is also reading this guide to winning and is thinking that you are the schmuck? Forget about it. He's the schmuck. If you forget that you have lost already and might aswell throw yourself in a ditch.
I cannot stress highly enough how important it is to learn kung-fu. This really is important as not only will it make people admire and respect you, it will give you the necessary skills to beat down your opposition. Believe me, there are many, many people out there who will try to stop you on your long and tiring journey to greatitude and winnerliness, and knowing kung-fu is a sure-fire way to put those bitches back in their place where they belong. All it takes is a few quick punches to the solar plexes and most problems can be solved.
Learning kung-fu can be as simple as going to a kung-fu class, or even just copying the moves from a Jackie Chan film. There are only three moves in kung-fu which are worth knowing: the punch, the kick, and the grimace. Grimacing is probably the most important because it proves you mean business and are really an expert and a person who should listened to and respected. Most people can already punch and kick pretty well, and adding a kung-fu grimace to your standard punching and kicking is all it takes to make you a bona-fide kung-fu master. You can practice in a mirror. Bare your teeth. Growl at yourself. Learn the noises. Shouting words like "HaI!", "Yaaa!" and "Heeee!" in a Chinese accent is important. You can even try a flying kick if you are feeling ambitious. Don't spend too long learning kung-fu, as spending too long doing something means you have lost.
Getting multiple chicks to have sex with you might seem difficult for a non-winner, but for a winner it is really easy. Girls love having sex with winners. If you are enough of a winner they won't mind all the other girls having sex with you at the same time because they will be secretly planning to backstab them later. But if getting all the girls to sleep with you is one of the ways to prove you are a winner, and they won't sleep with you until you already are a winner, what is the trick? The trick is your attitude. You have to believe and know you are a winner. If you are not getting enough sex, maybe you aren't screaming loudly enough when you look at yourself in the mirror. Try screaming more loudly and for longer
If twenty girls seems like a lot, try building up to it gradually. Have sex with two or three girls, for example, then phone some more and ask if they would like to join in. If you don't know the phone numbers of any other girls ask the girls you are already having sex with to phone their friends. You can offer cash incentives if you have to, as well as gifts like chocolates and necklaces. You might think that paying for sex isn't something a winner would do but you can steal the money back afterwards, then you won't have paid. (If you think that stealing isn't something a winner would do, you are wrong. Stealing is part of winning, just like winning is part of stealing. A quick way to become a winner is to shoplift. Go into any shop and pick something up and hide it inside your jacket. Walk out of the shop. Congratulations, you've just won. Against the shop. They were asking for it by putting a shop there and trying to get one over on you).
If you are a girl you may not see sexual conquest as the path to winnerdom, but may instead believe that marrying a rich man and achieving exalted social status is the way for you to be a winner. Too bad, you've already lost just by being a girl.
Owning all the shares on the stock market may seem difficult, but if you're going to be a winner, you have to achieve difficult things. It isn't easy becoming a winner. God doesn't just point his finger at you and magically make you a winner. You have to work at it. Hard. You have to sweat. You're going sweat a lot if you want to win. Your clothes will stick to you. You'll stink. Bad. You're going to make people retch. You're going to make them puke. It's all part of being a winner.
Being a winner is about making money. It is essential that you make money if you want to win. I don't mean you have to make a hundred dollars -- anybody can make a hundred dollars. I could make a hundred dollars by spitting. No, you have to make truly huge amounts of money to have even a chance of qualifying as a winner, more money, in fact, than everybody else in the world combined. Otherwise you will have failed in the most hideous and cataclysmic way. Winners buy houses, yachts and diamonds. Winners get invited to a hundred parties every day either by staggeringly beautiful women or by eminent and incredibly wealthy businessmen, movie stars or kings. But true winners never go to these parties because they do not deign to associate themselves with mere humans. At a stretch, a real winner might talk on the telephone to the pope every once in a while, but that is about it.
But how do I amass such a vast fortune? I hear you whining. The answer is simple. Armed robbery. Anyone can do it, all it takes is a gun and some guts. If you find you're too frightened, just look in the mirror and scream at the top of your lungs to work up your nerve. Then pull on your balaclava and get on your bike and cycle down to the nearest gas station with your sawn-off shotgun. A few thousand robberies and you will have enough money to start investing in the stock market. This is when the real stealing begins. Take your shotgun along with you to every board meeting and tell everyone to sign all their stock over to you. If anybody refuses, shoot them. Soon you will all own the stock in the world! You will finally be a winner!
As for winning ten gold medals, that's completely impossible, only some kind of loser would spend years in arduous training, torturing their body, just for a chance of winning a pathetic trinket. Stealing is the only honest way to obtain gold and jewellery. Find some athletes who have won medals and steal them. Athletes are pussies. Just wave your shotgun at them and scream a bit.
You don't need to achieve world peace or be an artist either, I don't know what I was thinking when I wrote that. Peace is for losers, so is art. Winners like war and fighting! The real way to be a winner is to join a militia and spend all your time watching Chuck Norris videos wearing camouflage and full combat gear, and practicing your scream. If winning means anything to you, this is what you will spend the rest of your life doing.
The mattress was much impressed by this and realised that it was in the presence of a not unremarkable mind.
Here is my essay about Why I Am Awesome. If you want to read it, you can, but I don't recommend it unless you have an hour of spare time. It'll be one of my rare public entries.
Why I am Awesome: A Comparative Study
I am so awesome that I had to single-space this to get all sixteen thousand words to fit. In order to write this essay properly, I had to research and obtain information on other, less-awesome people. Such as Dan Lawrence. Dan Lawrence provides the following guide for being awesome:
Tonight I had a nice chinese meal in a Coventry restaurant known as Wing Wah's. They had this lovely idea of playing happy birthday to everyone who's birthday it was and presenting them with a birthday treat. Very nice. Except, that this being a very large establishment, the birthday tune was being played almost every five minutes while we were in the restaurant, which kind of ruined the specialness of it happening for the birthday people I imagine.
If only they had been as awesome as me.
People are often asking me how it is that I came to be so awesome. It wasn't easy let me tell you, long hours of working up the ranks of the merely special, a few months spent in the annals of the truly great and even a short spell of infamy. Yet I managed it, because inside I was always awesome. While obviously very few of you will be able to achieve as much brilliance as me, I believe that I can point you in the right direction. Who knows armed with this advice you may one day be able to stand just behind me and proudly say, "I could almost see over Dan's shoulder".
So without further introduction I present:
Dan's Guide to being awesome (or at least getting close)
Looking good
The most important part of being awesome is other people knowing just exactly how awesome you are. The only way they can infer this at a glance is from your consumate sense of carefree style. Now I can't make you all look beautiful or show you how to find your own style but I can show you how I developed mine, so that you can perhaps learn from my outstanding example.
• Never cut your hair. Why does this make you awesome? Take a look at history for example. Jesus. There was a chap who became world famous, so famous that people still talk about him centuries later. We don't know much for certain about Jesus but what everyone agrees on is that he had awesome long, flowing locks. If you still need convincing take a look at the least awesome group of people on the planet: chavs. Ever seen a chav with long hair? Thought not. Having longer hair increases your sexual potency, will result in frequent promotions and make everyone think you play in a rock band. Think how much money you will save by never visiting those charlatan barbers ever again.
• Dress like you mean it. Try getting a t-shirt with "I'm awesome" emblazoned across the front. Wear sunglasses indoors. Avoid anything that a chav might wear, anything your grandad might wear, anything that the tory party wear to look casual. If you have any items that fit all three types of people, burn them immediately and you'll instantly increase your level of excellence. Whatever the weather make sure you look as smart as a mensa president.
• Ironing. Completely worthless. Will only make you look like one of "them".
• Mirrors. Try to keep one on you at all times, nothing will keep you more awesome than being constanly reminded of how awesome you look with your uncut hair and snappy clothes. If you can't keep a mirror on you then try looking in passing shop windows, bodies of water or at other awesome people.
• Smoking. Smoking is right out. Hanging out with people who smoke is where its at. That way you can have all the ambience of smoke filled rooms without the wallet-damaging and health destroying addiction. Try to collect people who smoke cigars or pipes, as these produce the most smoke and are far more unusual, and therfore worth more points.
Feeling awesome
Being awesome isn't all about appearances its also about having an attitude that says "I'm so awesome I could probably invent special boots that let me walk up the sides of buildings and shout from the top through a megaphone about how awesome I am before parachuting to safety while signing autographs". That's the kind of attitude that distinguishes the whipped cream from the squirty kind. Hence:
• Give less of a shit. Agonizing over every little descision like whether that road is clear or whether hemlock is in fact perfectly safe in small doses only wastes valuable time that could be spent being awesome. Don't fret over the smaller things in life they'll work themselves out, thats what your groupies are for.
• Be enthusiastic. About everything that happens to you. If tragedy strikes then embrace it.For example, in a boring lecture try asking a question every fifteen minutes or offer to get up and teach the class. Try taping the lecturer and playing extracts back to them in seminars with a thoughtful commentry provided by you.
• Walk everywhere. Noone can see you on a bus or in a car, this way you'll always arrive fashionably late.
• Publicise yourself. Set up your own magazine to showcase your own talents, the articles should all be about you. Hand out flyers with your face on and a description of your prodigious talents. Walk around with a megaphone proclaiming your amazingness to anyone within earshot. Make use of any opportunity that presents itself to make yourself better known. This will increase your reflected awesomeness because as more people learn about you, the more powerful you become.
• If in doubt; think like a pirate. As everyone knows pirates are one of the few universally awesome socio-economic groupings. If you are ever in any doubt in a particular situation just think to yourself 'What would a pirate do?' Guaranteed success. For example; you are out with a lady friend and she asks you to hold her handbag for a minute. Thinking like a pirate you pull out your cutlass stab everyone in sight and plunder their dubloons. You quickly sweep the wench over your shoulder and swing on a rope back to your ship where you tie her up and get drunk on rum and grog. Awesome.
I hope this guide has helped you a few steps closer to being awesome.
Who else is awesome? Chuck Norris. Why?:
1. Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
2. Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.
3. Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.
4. Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.
5. Chuck Norris lives by only one rule: No Asian Chicks.
6. Takeru Kobayashi ate 50 and a half hotdogs in 12 minutes. Chuck Norris ate 12 asian babies in 50 and a half minutes. Chuck Norris won.
7. The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise," and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.
8. Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.
9. Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't **** with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.
10. To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.
11. Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"
12. When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said, "Don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris."
13. Chuck Norris frequently signs up for beginner karate classes, just so he can "accidentally" beat the **** out of little kids.
14. Chuck Norris took my virginity, and he will sure as hell take yours. If you're thinking to yourself, "That's impossible, I already lost my virginity.", then you are dead wrong.
15. Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "booya".
16. Little Miss Muffet sat on her tuffet, until Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked her into a glacier.
17. When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.
18. In one episode of Fresh Prince of Bel Air, Chuck Norris replaced Carlton for one scene and nobody noticed.
19. Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
20. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
21. Chuck Norris punched a woman in the vagina when she didn't give him exact change.
22. Chuck Norris has every copy of National Geographic in his basement. He also has the ability to lift every single one of them at once.
23. Chuck Norris ruins the endings of Harry Potter books for children who just bought one for the hell of it. When they start crying Chuck Norris calmly says, "I'll give you something to cry about," and roundhouse kicks them in the face.
24. Chuck Norris found out about Conan O'Brien's lever that shows clips from "Walker: Texas Ranger" and is working on a way to make it show clips of Norris having sex with Conan's wife.
25. Chuck Norris once tried to sue Burger King after they refused to put razor wire in his Whopper Jr., insisting that that actually is "his" way.
26. Chuck Norris once went to a frat party, and proceeded to roundhouse every popped collar in sight. He then drank three kegs and **** on their floor, just because he's Chuck Norris.
27. At the end of each week, Chuck Norris murders a dozen white people just to prove he isn't a racist.
28. Chuck Norris doesn't have normal white blood cells like you and I. His have a small black ring around them. This signifies that they are black belts in every form of martial arts and they roundhouse kick the **** out of viruses. That's why Chuck Norris never gets ill.
29. If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.
30. The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
Pwned. Also, I possess the knowledge of how to win at life:
Life is a difficult and arduous game to play. There are not many ways to win that don't involve cheating, and most of them involve cheating. But it can be done, and I'm going to show you how. What follows is a definitive guide to how to win at life in the easiest possible way. Also outlined are the criteria for winning, so you will know whether you have won or not. Continuing to try to win after you had already won would mean you had lost.
All great thinkers, including but not limited to Sartre, Jesus, Chairman Mao, and Billy Joel, agree that to win at life one must achieve at least the following objectives:
-Have sex with twenty chicks at once.
-Own all the shares on the stock market.
-Win ten Olympic gold medals.
-Be hailed as the greatest artist of all time.
-Bring about world peace.
It is clear that to do anything less is to fail miserably and be deserved of slow painful death. But how can you do all these things, you ask? Well it's easier than you might think. You simply have to follow my guide! Read on.
The first thing you must do if you seriously intend to win at life is find someone win against. There is no point in winning anything unless you beat someone in doing so. Life is a competition, don't forget it. If you forget it, you have lost. Luckily, there is a whole world of schmucks out there who you can beat. Every time you walk down the street remember to think to yourself that everyone you see is a total schmuck and you can beat them easily. You will soon be on your way to winning the terrible, strenuous competition which is life.
To begin winning at life, you have to have the right attitude. If you don't have the right attitude, you might as well kill yourself. Look at yourself in the mirror every day with your sternest, angriest expression and say to yourself "I'm gonna win! AAAAAARGH!". Scream it at the top of your voice. Don't worry about your neighbours -- they are schmucks. You may be thinking to yourself, what if your neighbour is also reading this guide to winning and is thinking that you are the schmuck? Forget about it. He's the schmuck. If you forget that you have lost already and might aswell throw yourself in a ditch.
I cannot stress highly enough how important it is to learn kung-fu. This really is important as not only will it make people admire and respect you, it will give you the necessary skills to beat down your opposition. Believe me, there are many, many people out there who will try to stop you on your long and tiring journey to greatitude and winnerliness, and knowing kung-fu is a sure-fire way to put those bitches back in their place where they belong. All it takes is a few quick punches to the solar plexes and most problems can be solved.
Learning kung-fu can be as simple as going to a kung-fu class, or even just copying the moves from a Jackie Chan film. There are only three moves in kung-fu which are worth knowing: the punch, the kick, and the grimace. Grimacing is probably the most important because it proves you mean business and are really an expert and a person who should listened to and respected. Most people can already punch and kick pretty well, and adding a kung-fu grimace to your standard punching and kicking is all it takes to make you a bona-fide kung-fu master. You can practice in a mirror. Bare your teeth. Growl at yourself. Learn the noises. Shouting words like "HaI!", "Yaaa!" and "Heeee!" in a Chinese accent is important. You can even try a flying kick if you are feeling ambitious. Don't spend too long learning kung-fu, as spending too long doing something means you have lost.
Getting multiple chicks to have sex with you might seem difficult for a non-winner, but for a winner it is really easy. Girls love having sex with winners. If you are enough of a winner they won't mind all the other girls having sex with you at the same time because they will be secretly planning to backstab them later. But if getting all the girls to sleep with you is one of the ways to prove you are a winner, and they won't sleep with you until you already are a winner, what is the trick? The trick is your attitude. You have to believe and know you are a winner. If you are not getting enough sex, maybe you aren't screaming loudly enough when you look at yourself in the mirror. Try screaming more loudly and for longer
If twenty girls seems like a lot, try building up to it gradually. Have sex with two or three girls, for example, then phone some more and ask if they would like to join in. If you don't know the phone numbers of any other girls ask the girls you are already having sex with to phone their friends. You can offer cash incentives if you have to, as well as gifts like chocolates and necklaces. You might think that paying for sex isn't something a winner would do but you can steal the money back afterwards, then you won't have paid. (If you think that stealing isn't something a winner would do, you are wrong. Stealing is part of winning, just like winning is part of stealing. A quick way to become a winner is to shoplift. Go into any shop and pick something up and hide it inside your jacket. Walk out of the shop. Congratulations, you've just won. Against the shop. They were asking for it by putting a shop there and trying to get one over on you).
If you are a girl you may not see sexual conquest as the path to winnerdom, but may instead believe that marrying a rich man and achieving exalted social status is the way for you to be a winner. Too bad, you've already lost just by being a girl.
Owning all the shares on the stock market may seem difficult, but if you're going to be a winner, you have to achieve difficult things. It isn't easy becoming a winner. God doesn't just point his finger at you and magically make you a winner. You have to work at it. Hard. You have to sweat. You're going sweat a lot if you want to win. Your clothes will stick to you. You'll stink. Bad. You're going to make people retch. You're going to make them puke. It's all part of being a winner.
Being a winner is about making money. It is essential that you make money if you want to win. I don't mean you have to make a hundred dollars -- anybody can make a hundred dollars. I could make a hundred dollars by spitting. No, you have to make truly huge amounts of money to have even a chance of qualifying as a winner, more money, in fact, than everybody else in the world combined. Otherwise you will have failed in the most hideous and cataclysmic way. Winners buy houses, yachts and diamonds. Winners get invited to a hundred parties every day either by staggeringly beautiful women or by eminent and incredibly wealthy businessmen, movie stars or kings. But true winners never go to these parties because they do not deign to associate themselves with mere humans. At a stretch, a real winner might talk on the telephone to the pope every once in a while, but that is about it.
But how do I amass such a vast fortune? I hear you whining. The answer is simple. Armed robbery. Anyone can do it, all it takes is a gun and some guts. If you find you're too frightened, just look in the mirror and scream at the top of your lungs to work up your nerve. Then pull on your balaclava and get on your bike and cycle down to the nearest gas station with your sawn-off shotgun. A few thousand robberies and you will have enough money to start investing in the stock market. This is when the real stealing begins. Take your shotgun along with you to every board meeting and tell everyone to sign all their stock over to you. If anybody refuses, shoot them. Soon you will all own the stock in the world! You will finally be a winner!
As for winning ten gold medals, that's completely impossible, only some kind of loser would spend years in arduous training, torturing their body, just for a chance of winning a pathetic trinket. Stealing is the only honest way to obtain gold and jewellery. Find some athletes who have won medals and steal them. Athletes are pussies. Just wave your shotgun at them and scream a bit.
You don't need to achieve world peace or be an artist either, I don't know what I was thinking when I wrote that. Peace is for losers, so is art. Winners like war and fighting! The real way to be a winner is to join a militia and spend all your time watching Chuck Norris videos wearing camouflage and full combat gear, and practicing your scream. If winning means anything to you, this is what you will spend the rest of your life doing.
The mattress was much impressed by this and realised that it was in the presence of a not unremarkable mind.