Why I Am Awesome: A Comparitative Study Part Three.
Nobody is to stone anybody until I blow this whistle - even, and I want to make this absolutely clear, even if they do say, "Jehovah".
Then again, Christians believe that the majority of things will get you into hell, including Harry Potter:
Hark! Christian friends, do you hear a ringing sound throughout America? That clanging cacophony is coming from every movie theater showing Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone. It is the Lord Jesus using cash registers (a communication device He pioneered with Pat Robertson and perfected with Paul and Jan Crouch) to sound a battle clarion for all True Christians living within earshot of a multiplex: With Harry Potter, it is clear that Satan is doing a much better job of marketing witchcraft than we are of peddling Christianity!
I just returned from a private screening, followed by a rather edgy dinner with a very angry Jesus (it is no wonder how, after a tense meal with Him, His disciples told everyone in town that was their "last supper" with Jesus!). I can tell you that Jesus is furious (and has perilously veered off His Adkins diet). He is feeling betrayed and shortchanged by His followers. You see, when it comes to promotional vanity projects, the best we Christians have been able to muster for Him recently is Left Behind starring Kirk Cameron. Kirk Cameron! Satan, on the other hand, has now weighed in on behalf of witchcraft with the much more appealing Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone. Let's face it: Satan shows much more discriminating casting and better production values! Are we about to be defeated by Christianity's worst enemy:
More ingeniously packaged superstitions?
Make no mistake: The assault in on. Hollywood is coming after the hearts of our children with tales of mystical powers even more appealing than those in the Bible -- which, frankly, isn't terribly difficult. In a cagey attempt to go after the coveted 8-18 market, the new Harry Potter movie is teaching children that they -- not unemployed adults like 1990's slacker-chic Jesus -- have all the power. In the world of Harry Potter, children wave 11-inch rods to cast spells and routinely backtalk adults. In the Old Testament, adults use 11-inch rods to beat the stuffing out of children (Proverbs 13:24) - and stone them to death if they backtalk (Deuteronomy 21:18-21). Clearly, J. K. Rowling has a defter touch than our Lord when it comes to writing a book that children will kneel before their beds at night and pray is true.
What barely literate Church of God mother, wishing to homeschool her children about Jesus on plastic-laminated card tables in her damp unfinished basement, stands a chance against the lush glittering allure of the grandly furnished, gothic Hogwarts Academy? Yes, Hogwarts is similar to Christian academies in that no time is squandered teaching history, literature and science (and there are few unsightly non-Caucasian children) but, sadly, that is where the similarity ends!
Harry (Daniel Radcliffe), wearing a Dorothy Hamill unisex hairstyle resurrected from the 1970's by America's First Lady Laura Bush, is Jesus Killer Rowling's (and you wonder why she goes by her initials!) homosexual recruitment poster-boy. How do we know he is a depraved homosexual? Well, he's English. Furthermore, when he lives with his dreadful Uncle Vernon and Aunt Petunia, he sleeps "in the closet." (I never claimed that secular imagery was anymore subtle than our own!) As Harry becomes more attuned to his satanic powers, he comes "out of the closet" and befriends Hagrid (Robbie Coltrane), an old biker "bear" of lascivious intentions.
If there is any question that Harry is a homo, it is settled once and for all when he flees the dreadfully decorated (even by middle class British standards!) home of his Muggle foster family, the Dursleys. What is the first thing he does? He goes shopping! Making the rounds at the exclusive boutiques of Diagon Alley Outlet Mall, Harry picks out flamboyant accessories for a foppish wardrobe full of flowing gowns and hats so ludicrous they would be unthinkable outside of a black church. Like all Nancy-Boys, he becomes fascinated with 11-inch cylindrical objects he can hold in his hand and spends much of the film flying around with a pole wedged between the cheeks of his bottom. Indeed, the producers of the film were apparently so concerned that Harry sound as fey as possible, when Daniel Radcliffe's voice broke, they dubbed it with the most effeminate voice since Shirley Temple was potty-trained -- the notorious pederast Michael Jackson, using the smirky stage name of Joe Sowerbutts.
Once Harry arrives at Hogwarts, he is free to begin an unbroken daisy chain of homosexual liaisons. Fortunately for Christian viewers, the frantic buggery that is endemic at all British schools with stone floors is mercifully left off-camera. But this does not mean that Harry doesn't devote shocking attention to finding other homosexuals to pair off with. For those of you thinking I am making this up, I direct your attention to page 171 of the book upon which this film was based for the brazen matchmaking exploits of young British homosexuals:
"Professor Flitwick [Harry's "charms" (wink, wink) teacher] put the class into pairs to practice. Harry's partner was Seamus Finnigan, which was a relief, because Neville had been trying to catch his eye."
Yes, it is utterly shameless! When not plotting same-sex trysts, Harry is busy disobeying adults as he prowls around the forbidden hallways of Hogwarts at night, hoping to catch adults in compromising situations. As played by Maggie Smith, prim Miss Jean Brodie is now Professor McGonagall, who can turn herself into a cat at will, but is apparently powerless against a face that droops like a clump of wet Bounty towels. With Professor McGonagall, J. K. Rowling attempts to recast evil witches as benign and helpful, if not quite attractive. This revisionism was, no doubt, plagiarized from our very own attempt to pass off the wrathful, killing, vindictive God of the Old Testament as a meek dispenser of harmless bromides in the New, Improved Testament.
Harry Potter is simply one in a long line of Hollywood vehicles intended to lure our impressionable children into believing that secular apparitions, while often speaking in an annoyingly coy voice, are more helpful than Jesus. For example, Dorothy Gale isn't left to flail about helplessly in Oz asking "What Would Glinda Do?" - the so-called "Good Witch" of the North actually floats down and tells her what to do! Similarly, in Hook, children are led to believe that Tinkerbell is more than just a woman with collagened lips who is notorious for snorting fairy dust and sleeping with all of her co-stars!
Harry Potter is directed by Chris Columbus, who is a man experienced with both adult-like children over-reacting (Macaulay Culkin in Home Alone) and child-like adults overacting (Robin Williams in Mrs. Doubtfire). In deference to its overblown budget, Columbus uses John Williams's music like a big, bloated yellow-highlighter to underscore, well actually over-score, each emotional nuance until it is pummeled into the audience with the subtlety of a CBS sitcom. When it comes to original music in Hollywood, either you get the pseudo-hip songs of puppy-dog-cute friendship played with the same three chords on a piano by Randy Newman or you get the overpowering bombast of the string sections from three regional symphony orchestras scored by John Williams. There is no middle ground. And there are, apparently, no other composers working in the film industry. So it is little wonder why most movies simply tack on tunes by whomever happens to be popular during post-production without regard to the actual story.
Satan has clearly thrown down the gauntlet with Harry Potter. He has put True Believers on notice that he will not give up until he has enticed all of our impressionable children to read books that don't start with naked people lying and killing each other (the Bible). Perhaps in anticipation of the eye-popping special effects the Lord has in mind for the forthcoming Apocalypse, the movie industry is trying to outflank Christians when it comes to creating a fantasy world filled with supernatural phenomenon and larger-than-life characters who wear flowing, beltless robes and find mortals a constant source of irritation. While our ghosts are Holy and are able to create adorable personal bonfires that hover over heads babbling "tongues" - an instant immersion course in languages that mean nothing to anyone - in an act of galling one-upmanship, secular ghosts tend to have more winning, cheerful personalities (think Casper) and entice humans to say things that are intelligible, if not quite interesting (think The Sixth Sense).
With Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone, Hollywood has joint-ventured with Lucifer to create a cunning piece of stunning $125 million propaganda to lure our Christian children away with the tantalizing powers of witchcraft. In doing so, Satan is simply taking advantage of centuries of Christians' hard work. If it were not for battalions of Baptists relentlessly brow-beating their children with Bible Study, Bible School, Vacation Bible School and Bible Camp, America's children would never have been inured to the implausible enough to swallow J. K. Rowling's far-fetched bunk in the first place. We soften them up to believe anything they are told - and Satan moves in for the now-easy sales pitch! Such brazen opportunism has not been seen since, well, Michael Jackson co-opted Anthrax as a vehicle to draw attention to himself, overlooking the fact that he no longer had a nose in which to inhale spores!
Harry Potter signals that Satan is clearly going after the most reliable demographic Christian churches normally count on for tithes - people gullible enough to believe that spells and hexes are real. Truly, there is no gratitude in this god-eat-god world of supernatural marketing. Indeed, if it weren't for Christians, there would be no satanic witchcraft. After all, we were the ones who invented Satan (as a vehicle for palming off all the horrible things that occur in a world created by an all-powerful being). If you don't believe in the Bible, then you don't believe in Satan. Indeed, Satanism is little more than an embarrassing offshoot of Christianity. Its followers believe all the same stuff we do about blood, demons and magic, but simply pick the wrong character in the fabulously gothic story to emphasize. As such, they are virtually indistinguishable from the Mary-genuflecting Catholics.
The same thankless debt is owed by witches. Shakespeare could make them come to life at the Old Globe, but it took Puritans to kill them in the real world. The witches of Macbeth may die on stage if inartfully played, but, in Salem, Christians ensure that they died on petards for their toil and trouble. Clearly, it takes a Christian to imbue an air of authenticity to a concept what non-believers may be otherwise inclined to simply dismiss as harmless, far-fetched fiction. Magic tricks like walking on water that can later be turned into a sea of chardonnay? That was us! As such, we deserve the credit for making otherwise intelligent adults regard truly outlandish tales as real. And what is the gratitude we get? Satan uses this carefully nurtured credulity to trot out an even slicker story than the erstwhile greatest one ever told - Harry Potter!
But enough on Christianity. You’re going to be working soon. Here’s how to get rich:
Many bloggers enjoy writing about their place of employment. This Internet rage is making a lot of employers upset, as bosses want their nice little drones to keep churning out products & services without all the pesky independent thought.
But it is very important that people all over the world journal their workplace opinions on-line every day, since these "job-blogs" serve to expose those in authority who exploit others for gain. When you get right down to it, though, blogging about the nine-to-five hours makes "The Man" nervous, and that's good enough.
Here are some techniques you can use to safely and effectively maintain a blog about the useless idiots (i.e. everybody except you) at your place of work without getting fired and, more importantly, gain money and fame. Follow these suggestions faithfully and you'll have a blog-site that'll draw in thousands of readers every day and you'll earn the fear, respect, and bribes from co-workers and managers who don't want to be the next fascinating subject in your popular on-line diary! When you get right down to it, though, the sole purpose of the Internet is to tell complete strangers everywhere how much you hate the real people around you and the embarrassing things you know about them, just to give you a fleeting sense of smug self-satisfaction, isn't it?
Blog Everything You Find Annoying About Your Job, No Matter How Small.
Ninety-nine percent of humanity is in economic servitude to the remaining one percent, but we don't have to like it. Therefore, anyone sacrificing their free will to a job has the God-given right to bitch about it. Thankfully, the Internet allows employees to complain worldwide, but more importantly, gives them the outlet to expose their boss's true nature, which is greedy, stupid, and worthless.
But don't stop kvetching about the boss on your blog when there's lots of your peers around you, oh no! Your co-workers, although appearing to be sane, professional, & mentally balanced, are human and therefore have "skeletons in their closets" that you, as a blogger, are morally entitled to spread around the Internet. The more controversial the secret ("April 21st blog entry: I just discovered Phil enjoys wearing diapers and being spanked by morbidly obese women."), the more comments you'll get in your blog (probably most of them from an enraged Phil).
Blog With A Cover Window Ready:
Just in case your manager Bill Lumbergh walks into your cubicle while you are detailing the relevant points of how much he sucks on your blog, always have a job-oriented window in your task bar ready to maximize (such as the company's website or an innocent-looking pie chart) in order to hide what you're actually doing (which sure as hell isn't working). If you're using a word-processor, click the "save" button often, since you may have to shut down whatever application you're using to compose your blog post when the boss pokes his ugly, balding head in the cubicle. If you're blogging on LiveJournal, just hit the "update page" button and there's a fifty-fifty chance the daily entry you've just spent three hours on will go to data heaven anyways, so you're pretty much covered.
Stay In The Office 'Rumor Mill':
Your co-worker's opinions about people who aren't within earshot are very important, since they often provide juicy material for your blog. Don't be hampered by the truth, by the way; major newspapers don't give a damn about the correct facts, so why should you? It's irrelevant whether or not Ed the new accountant is actually a child molester...what's important is that you heard the rumor, and it is your sacred blogger duty to get it on the Internet as soon as possible. Maybe Suzanne the temp enjoys rimming donkeys at bachelor parties, maybe she doesn't, who cares? As long as your office buddy Jim who just asked her for a date and got turned down says it's true, it's true.
Examine The Contents Of Other People's Desks When They Leave The Office.
When you get right down to it, human nature is pretty goddamn stupid, and it's amazing the incriminating evidence your co-workers and boss may have in their lower desk drawers. It is essential that you, the serious job-blogger, always have a digital camera on-hand in case you need to make digital copies of the love letters your manager is sending to his mistress. Or to take pictures of any pill bottles you may find in your co-worker's desks; you can post the details from the prescription labels and make a nifty pie-chart showing the ratio of people currently on heavy anti-depressants at your place of work.
Take Covert Pictures Of Your Co-Workers & Boss For Fun Blog Commentary.
There's no greater self-satisfaction than blogging a picture of a co-worker caught in an embarrassing situation, unless the photo incriminates your boss, whom you especially hate. Remember: keep that digital camera handy and always take pictures for your job-blog of:
- your boss picking his nose (or other unacceptable orifice). Always a classic.
- any co-worker screaming at his/her computer in frustration. Hopefully they'll start hitting it.
- anybody who's just gotten fired. Grief rules!
- your boss sitting in the washroom stall and looking up in shock at your camera's flash. Remember to use PhotoshopTM to edit out any "red-eye" that may appear.
- building security guards beating up anybody. Hopefully someone who's just been fired.
- building security guards getting beaten up by anybody. Hopefully the guy who got fired knows judo and just had seven cups of coffee.
- the pile of co-worker's coffee mugs you've stolen from the break room and super-glued into an Aztec pyramid.
- any manager having a tantrum. Remember to zoom in on their red, contorted face. Could make a good desktop background graphic.
- the attractive new temp.
- the attractive new temp's backside as she's filing.
- the attractive new temp's naked breasts through her bedroom window after you've followed her home.
Hack Into Workplace Computers For Incriminating Evidence.
Please do not tell me you don't know how to get into your boss's computer. You've already figured out how to bypass workplace filters so you can download gigabytes of porn, so accessing any so-called 'protected' folders should be a piece of cake. If you're not the system administrator, try to befriend the office geek who holds the office network power, or at least get incriminating evidence on them. Such geeks are probably reading blogs instead of working anyways, and if you threaten to post the video you took of him pretending to be a Jedi while waving a retractable pointer around like a light saber, he'll probably give you administrative rights from fear of the sheer amount of people who'll be laughing at him on the `Net.
It's a safe bet your co-workers are downloading just as much pornography as you are while presumably on the job, if not more. Try to find their hidden caches of online porn as it gives you a keen insight into their deepest thoughts and fantasies. And what a great thing to talk about on your blog! It may be difficult typing through the laughter after you've discovered Ted the program leader has a thing for old men wearing cheerleader costumes, but try to stay strong; thousands of readers are depending on you.
Point Out Your Company's Fiscal Weaknesses.
It's simply not right that you are getting crappy pay while the higher-ups continually give themselves raises, so take it upon yourself to learn exactly where the money is going in your company's finances. Hell, an honest business shouldn't be afraid of anybody checking out their bank account if you're able to post a live RSS feed to it on your blog. Also make digital scans of everybody's pay stubs, credit card slips, children's college bank account numbers, etc, to make your blog more "controversial" (read: litigable).
Refuse To Stop Blogging About Your Work, Even If Threatened With Dismissal.
Freedom Of Speech is what it's all about, so screw off, Mr. Bossman! It's none of your goddamn business if your employees choose to a) not work, and; b) post insulting remarks about you on the Internet while not working, so go back to your plush office and close the damn door. Maybe if you stop getting on our nerves by being so greedy and uncaring about the misery you cause, we bloggers suffering economic servitude will stop investigating your corporate lives to share the gritty details with the world...or maybe we won't.
In Conclusion: if you get fired for blogging about your job, sue the bastards on any legal precedent having to do with "Free Speech". Collect the settlement. Find a new job. Blog about your new job. Get fired for blogging. Sue. Collect settlement. Repeat. You'll be rich in no time, and maybe you will have enough funds to start a company of your own! You'll have to hire employees, though...uh, wait a minute...
Here’s how to start your new blog! You’ll be rich in no time!:
Interested in the blogging scene? Confused how to go about setting up your very own blog? Follow these fifty-one easy steps and you'll be a l33t blogger in no time!
1. Find a free blogging service, such as www.blogger.com
2. Register a catchy yet philosophically deep name for your new blog: "lifesucks"; "All Things Me"; "Lifehacker"; "Playing With Matches"; "The Internet Slacker", "I Stalk David Hasselhoff".
3. Consider one of the many pre-made website templates offered by the blogging service, or one created by you.
4. Turn your nose up in disgust at the thought of using a pre-made template for your blog.
5. Spend the next seventeen hours creating a functioning website from scratch. If using Microsoft FrontPageTM, relocate all children and elders to a safe area out of your "profanity zone".
6. Complete your self-made blog template by clicking on the "Publish Website" command in Microsoft FrontPageTM.
7. Watch in shock as the aforementioned seventeen hours of hard work gets permanently deleted off your hard drive by Microsoft FrontPageTM.
8. Swear so loudly all dogs within a five block radius begin running in circles and howling.
9. Declare "Screw It" and choose from a pre-made template. Always choose one with lots of kittens and flashing animated gifs.
10. Make sure the template is ready for your first blog entry. You can do this by going to your new blog's URL address and seeing if the page loads properly. It will have no posts yet, of course, as you have not actually written your first blog entry. (If you do see a post written by yourself at this specific moment in time, read it! You've traveled back in time to warn yourself about the "Publish Website" command in Microsoft FrontPageTM).
11. Click in the "Create Post" selection. The window will reload with a box for you to type text in.
12. Put fingers to keyboard in preparation to type your first blog entry.
13. Realize in horror that you have absolutely no idea what you're going to write about.
14. And you've got a whole blog ahead of you.
15. Stand up and get an alcoholic beverage to calm you.
16. Pace back and forth while racking your brain for a great post.
17. Cast resentful looks at your computer monitor while drinking the alcoholic beverage.
18. Come up with a touching yet funny childhood memory you can write about, like when you and all the other fat kids in the neighborhood used to take down the ice cream man not unlike a pack of lions ravaging a wounded gazelle.
19. Or, make your first post about how much you love pets. Remark on the fact that you let your pet pit bull out of the house every night to get some freedom and exercise even though the sirens from the ambulances tearing through your neighborhood constantly interrupt your sleep.
20. Or, make a heartfelt confession about how guilty you feel that you could never be a vegetarian because you salivate every time a nature documentary appears on the television.
21. Sit back down at your computer desk with your great idea.
22. Complete your first post.
23. Experience a fleeting sense of satisfaction that you now have a blog with an actual entry, even though it details your sexual attraction to Yoda.
24. Immediately phone all your friends and family to tell them the URL. Remind your grandmother that 'stiffwoodysdiary' in your blog's address is spelled "all one word".
25. Reload your blog incessantly every two minutes to see if anyone has made a comment.
26. Become enraged when the very first comment made on your very first blog entry is "yuo are teh sUxx0r!" from Anonymous
27. Go outdoors to calm down and get some fresh air, since you've spent twenty-two hours now working on your blog.
28. Tell every person you encounter - jogger, police officer, frantic paramedic - your blog's URL.
29. Head back home when an idea for a blog entry comes to mind, such as the rudeness of paramedics who can't be bothered to talk about your blog because they are busy helping some whiner with pitbull bite wounds on his throat.
30. When back at your computer, immediately refresh your blog's page to see if any more comments were made while you were gone.
31. Grip the edge of your computer desk when the second comment reads "I said yuo are teh sUxx0r!" by Anonymous
32. Click on the "make new post" button on your blog.
33. Realize with horror you've totally forgotten the good writing idea.
34. Stand up and get another drink.
35. Sit back down at your computer desk.
36. Write your second post: how people who make dumb comments on blogs should be strung up by their genitals with barbed wire.
37. Complete the second post.
38. Stand up and get a third drink to calm you down from the blogging experience.
39. Watch TV while thinking you shouldn't watch so much television since experiencing life would probably make for a blog that's actually interesting to read. By going out more, you'll be able to continue to spread the address of your blog to bemused strangers, too.
40. Accept phone call from your grandmother asking you to change 'stiffwoody' in your blog's name to something more polite.
41. Refuse and hang up phone.
42. On the way back to the television, refresh your blog's page again to see if there are any more comments.
43. Experience relief when third comment is a non-abusive one. Become incredibly depressed when you discover it is written by a fellow blogger asking if you ever fantasize about wearing lederhosen while flailing midgets with kielbasa sausage, and if you'd like to meet up with him for same.
44. Stand up and get a much larger, stronger drink.
45. Consider making your third post. Repeat verbal declaration made in step #9, forget blogging for now, go to bed.
46. Just before you fall asleep, realize with horror you'll need to repeat steps #11 to #45 daily to keep your bragging rights about owning a blog (which, ironically, nobody reads).
47. Slip into an uneasy nightmare about being forced to type the word "sUxx0r" on a flaming keyboard while chained to Jabba the Hutt, who keeps demanding "More! More! Jakatooie Blogga Dooie! More!!!"
48. Wake up in the morning. Scream.
49. Read the new comments posted on your blog. Scream again.
50. Repeat for the rest of your life.
51. Welcome To Blogging!
But you’ll be distracted between your posts, you say? No problem; just play MMORPGs! You don’t know if there’s any ones you’re interested in, you say? Here’s some suggestions about how to improve them:
Face it, online entertainment companies: massively-multiplayer games are not raking in the major bucks anymore . That's because players are bored; there just isn't anything new, fun, or interesting in the current crop of MMORPG's on the market today.
But have faith, game developers! If you use these simple ten suggestions to improve your virtual worlds, hundreds of thousands of players will soon return and, more importantly, get you 'back in the bling-bling' again!
1) Real-Time Payback Option: Every time a player is defeated in online combat they will instantly receive the GPS tracking co-ordinates of the gamer who killed them. This information will allow the annoyed player to physically locate the offending person in the real world in order to slap them repeatedly across the face while screaming, "WHO OWNZERS WHO NOW, BIOTCH?"
2) Gender Verification: Too many male online gamers have suffered the fate of romancing a beautiful elf maiden who is actually a fifty-seven year old balding accountant guy with hair on his back. The new breed of MMORPG's will come equipped with a small video cam that each and every player must keep trained on their genitalia at all times while logged into the game. When an online player meets someone they're attracted to, they simply click an icon on the person's avatar and voila! A real-time video feed proving female or male gender. While some players may find this to be an extreme solution, they've obviously never had a blind date that turned out to be a fifty-seven year old balding accountant guy with hair on his back.
3) Customizable Trailer Homes: Not everyone wants to live in a cold, drafty castle. Many players enjoy the comfy closeness of a trailer home, since that's the real-word domicile in which they reside. Trailer homes are the perfect solution for guilds: members can form trailer parks to drink beer, shout obscenities, and wander around in stained undershirts. Another advantage of trailer homes for guilds is mobility; if a safer area from attack is required, just pick up and move the trailers to the new 'park' (preferably in the front lawn of the nearest castle; royalty love trailer homes in their gardens).
4) Quests That Are Actually Fun: Nobody likes performing dumb quests like collecting a dozen glowing fungi or killing & skinning five deer to collect leather. Why not have quests that are actually fun, like PK Seven Defenseless Newbies or Join A Guild, Loot Their Headquarters, Then Quit, or the ever-popular quest, Ask Each And Every Player In The Game, "cn i hav yur stuff d00d?"
5) Ability To Hoof Another Player In The Nuts: Special combat moves exist in most MMORPG's, yet this author has never seen the one attack most often used in violent situations (usually around bars or the ex-wife): a good, hard kick right in the offending person's `groceries'. It would only heighten an online game's popularity if developers added such an option; when the attacking player is successful in delivering a "Testicular Trauma" special move, the kicked player's avatar immediately grabs his ribs and sinks to his knees while moaning, "oooohh...goddddd...the paainnnn...".
6) Weapons That Are Actually Cool: We're all sick and tired of swords and maces, guns and lasers, yadda yadda yadda. There simply needs to be more variety in the items players may use in an offensive manner. Many fighters would enjoy the challenge of battling dragons with a good nine-iron golf club, shattered beer bottle, or flaming accordion, for example. There also needs to be more powerful weapons. Why can't an online game have nuclear devices? It would give a guild a great sense of satisfaction assembling an ICBM to launch at their enemies or, better yet, at a big crowd of newbies.
7) 'Going Postal' Option: We've all suffered the experience of becoming tired of an online game and quitting, letting our accounts languish in a state of limbo. Why not have the choice of going out in style? When a player decides he's sick of playing an online game, all he needs to do is click the `Going Postal' option that will grant him near god-like powers and invulnerability. He may then go on a massive killing spree for an hour, at the end of which his avatar explodes, taking out half the virtual surrounding environment. The player is then logged off and his account deleted. This 'Going Postal' feature may very well lure Players back to an online game just so they can go berserk in this style again, leading to new account creation and increased revenue.
8) Graffiti: Spray-painted `tags' are a constant feature in real-life, so why not in virtual worlds? There are some extremely talented graffiti artists who would love displaying their `skillz' on, oh let's say, each and every wall of each and every structure their on-line personae can possibly find. Guilds will benefit from `tagging' their territory with spray-painted omens such as "sTay OuT oR BC Guild RoXJor Yuuu" or insulting artwork depicting the enemy guild's leader having personal relations with Tony Danza.
9) Instant Game Master Summoning: We've all suffered through long waits for a Game Master to appear in order to fix our on-line problems. Since we, the Players, are paying a monthly fee, why should we have to waste our time standing around for a Game Master instead of playing the damn game in the first place? Instead, MMORPG companies should hire hundreds, no, thousands, of Game Masters so that when a player calls for assistance, a GM appears the very second after the request has been made. In fact, a player should be allowed to call for a Game Master if they are just feeling lonely and would like to "chat" about "stuff" at four in the morning.
10) Cease monthly billing and make all MMORPG's free to play, you greedy corporate bastards. I promised at the beginning of this article you'd get the "bling-bling" back, but I don't care. Now send me a Game Master, I need someone to help me redecorate my trailer home. My real trailer home.
And, in the spirit of the season, I close with an essay on Christmas:
There is an interesting new twist in the age-old "We poor Christians are being attacked!" movement this year: The "keep Christ in Christmas" movement, attracting wannabe-martyrs from churches including Catholic to Methodist ; Baptists, strangely enough, seem divided on the issue. Some others are threatening to boycott Macy's if they do not replace "Happy Holidays" signs with "Merry Christmas" ones. No information is available from Macy's website about whether the Christmas, Kwanzaa, Hannukah, or Saturnalia signs will be replaced.
What exactly is Christmas, anyway? Definitions include Dance moves, a summer holiday, and Christ's birthday, although this last one claims that it is not actually his birthday, but a pagan holiday (Saturnalia) that they moved Christ's birthday to because everyone celebrated it anyway. Maybe we should take it one piece at a time. The 12 day festival with a burning log, the giving of gifts, feasts, and singers walking from house to house originated, as nearly as anyone can tell, with Zagmuk, a festival to help the Sumerian god Marduk in his struggle against Tiamat and the forces of chaos. This was also the earliest known version of the "corn king" ritual, where a criminal is made king, and all his commands obeyed, until he is gruesomely killed to assist the gods, or make the crops grow. Note the resemblance of this practice to the death and rebirth of Christ, dying to wash away sins, etc.
The Romans celebrated Saturnalia, a festival to Saturn, god of fertility and agriculture. It included the giving of gifts, decking halls with garlands, and decorating green trees with candles. It was because the Romans refused to stop celebrating Saturnalia that Bishop Julius I of Rome declared December 25 Christ's birthday, and ordered the celebrations to be in his honor. He also ordered a church occasion, or "mass", on that day, hence "Christmas."
The Mithrans also had a holiday on December 25, the birth of Mithras. Mithras was supposedly created by Ahura-Mazda, the chief deity of Iranian polytheism, to save the world from it's own excesses, born to a virgin, and died after a last supper with his adherents to ascend to heaven. Followers were baptized in the blood of a bull, ate bread and wine to represent Mithras' body and blood, and held Sunday sacred. Suffice it to say that Mithraism was influential in the Roman Empire, and suborning it's followers would have been a priority for the Christian church at the time.
Now we begin to see why "Happy Holidays" has gained such usage; The alternatives, such as "Chrisma-Hannu-Kwanzika", are both cumbersome and bound to leave someone out. On the other hand, when former Texas governor Ann Richards was told that the state should consider removing the star on top of the capitol building, as it was a religious symbol, she replied, "I don't know, I think it might be our only chance of getting three wise men in there."
The truly disturbing aspect of this situation is the self-victimization involved: Stores no longer have "merry Christmas" signs, and that means that Christianity is under attack? Is Judaism under attack because there aren't any "happy Hannukah" signs at Wal-Mart? And don't even ask about Yom Kippur sales events or Ramadan parades. Of course, the same people who are up in arms over banning nativity scenes from public schools would most likely form a lynch mob if I were to put up a Saturnalia display in my front yard. These people are just weird.
But why am I so awesome? Because I gain renown from association with the previous essays. I’m awesome because I have all those links and essays and resources for you to read. Now gimme my candy canes. And Matt, you owe me 24 candy bars.
This is the last part; it's over 35 pages so I had to cut it up so LJ wouldn't break. :P
Then again, Christians believe that the majority of things will get you into hell, including Harry Potter:
Hark! Christian friends, do you hear a ringing sound throughout America? That clanging cacophony is coming from every movie theater showing Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone. It is the Lord Jesus using cash registers (a communication device He pioneered with Pat Robertson and perfected with Paul and Jan Crouch) to sound a battle clarion for all True Christians living within earshot of a multiplex: With Harry Potter, it is clear that Satan is doing a much better job of marketing witchcraft than we are of peddling Christianity!
I just returned from a private screening, followed by a rather edgy dinner with a very angry Jesus (it is no wonder how, after a tense meal with Him, His disciples told everyone in town that was their "last supper" with Jesus!). I can tell you that Jesus is furious (and has perilously veered off His Adkins diet). He is feeling betrayed and shortchanged by His followers. You see, when it comes to promotional vanity projects, the best we Christians have been able to muster for Him recently is Left Behind starring Kirk Cameron. Kirk Cameron! Satan, on the other hand, has now weighed in on behalf of witchcraft with the much more appealing Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone. Let's face it: Satan shows much more discriminating casting and better production values! Are we about to be defeated by Christianity's worst enemy:
More ingeniously packaged superstitions?
Make no mistake: The assault in on. Hollywood is coming after the hearts of our children with tales of mystical powers even more appealing than those in the Bible -- which, frankly, isn't terribly difficult. In a cagey attempt to go after the coveted 8-18 market, the new Harry Potter movie is teaching children that they -- not unemployed adults like 1990's slacker-chic Jesus -- have all the power. In the world of Harry Potter, children wave 11-inch rods to cast spells and routinely backtalk adults. In the Old Testament, adults use 11-inch rods to beat the stuffing out of children (Proverbs 13:24) - and stone them to death if they backtalk (Deuteronomy 21:18-21). Clearly, J. K. Rowling has a defter touch than our Lord when it comes to writing a book that children will kneel before their beds at night and pray is true.
What barely literate Church of God mother, wishing to homeschool her children about Jesus on plastic-laminated card tables in her damp unfinished basement, stands a chance against the lush glittering allure of the grandly furnished, gothic Hogwarts Academy? Yes, Hogwarts is similar to Christian academies in that no time is squandered teaching history, literature and science (and there are few unsightly non-Caucasian children) but, sadly, that is where the similarity ends!
Harry (Daniel Radcliffe), wearing a Dorothy Hamill unisex hairstyle resurrected from the 1970's by America's First Lady Laura Bush, is Jesus Killer Rowling's (and you wonder why she goes by her initials!) homosexual recruitment poster-boy. How do we know he is a depraved homosexual? Well, he's English. Furthermore, when he lives with his dreadful Uncle Vernon and Aunt Petunia, he sleeps "in the closet." (I never claimed that secular imagery was anymore subtle than our own!) As Harry becomes more attuned to his satanic powers, he comes "out of the closet" and befriends Hagrid (Robbie Coltrane), an old biker "bear" of lascivious intentions.
If there is any question that Harry is a homo, it is settled once and for all when he flees the dreadfully decorated (even by middle class British standards!) home of his Muggle foster family, the Dursleys. What is the first thing he does? He goes shopping! Making the rounds at the exclusive boutiques of Diagon Alley Outlet Mall, Harry picks out flamboyant accessories for a foppish wardrobe full of flowing gowns and hats so ludicrous they would be unthinkable outside of a black church. Like all Nancy-Boys, he becomes fascinated with 11-inch cylindrical objects he can hold in his hand and spends much of the film flying around with a pole wedged between the cheeks of his bottom. Indeed, the producers of the film were apparently so concerned that Harry sound as fey as possible, when Daniel Radcliffe's voice broke, they dubbed it with the most effeminate voice since Shirley Temple was potty-trained -- the notorious pederast Michael Jackson, using the smirky stage name of Joe Sowerbutts.
Once Harry arrives at Hogwarts, he is free to begin an unbroken daisy chain of homosexual liaisons. Fortunately for Christian viewers, the frantic buggery that is endemic at all British schools with stone floors is mercifully left off-camera. But this does not mean that Harry doesn't devote shocking attention to finding other homosexuals to pair off with. For those of you thinking I am making this up, I direct your attention to page 171 of the book upon which this film was based for the brazen matchmaking exploits of young British homosexuals:
"Professor Flitwick [Harry's "charms" (wink, wink) teacher] put the class into pairs to practice. Harry's partner was Seamus Finnigan, which was a relief, because Neville had been trying to catch his eye."
Yes, it is utterly shameless! When not plotting same-sex trysts, Harry is busy disobeying adults as he prowls around the forbidden hallways of Hogwarts at night, hoping to catch adults in compromising situations. As played by Maggie Smith, prim Miss Jean Brodie is now Professor McGonagall, who can turn herself into a cat at will, but is apparently powerless against a face that droops like a clump of wet Bounty towels. With Professor McGonagall, J. K. Rowling attempts to recast evil witches as benign and helpful, if not quite attractive. This revisionism was, no doubt, plagiarized from our very own attempt to pass off the wrathful, killing, vindictive God of the Old Testament as a meek dispenser of harmless bromides in the New, Improved Testament.
Harry Potter is simply one in a long line of Hollywood vehicles intended to lure our impressionable children into believing that secular apparitions, while often speaking in an annoyingly coy voice, are more helpful than Jesus. For example, Dorothy Gale isn't left to flail about helplessly in Oz asking "What Would Glinda Do?" - the so-called "Good Witch" of the North actually floats down and tells her what to do! Similarly, in Hook, children are led to believe that Tinkerbell is more than just a woman with collagened lips who is notorious for snorting fairy dust and sleeping with all of her co-stars!
Harry Potter is directed by Chris Columbus, who is a man experienced with both adult-like children over-reacting (Macaulay Culkin in Home Alone) and child-like adults overacting (Robin Williams in Mrs. Doubtfire). In deference to its overblown budget, Columbus uses John Williams's music like a big, bloated yellow-highlighter to underscore, well actually over-score, each emotional nuance until it is pummeled into the audience with the subtlety of a CBS sitcom. When it comes to original music in Hollywood, either you get the pseudo-hip songs of puppy-dog-cute friendship played with the same three chords on a piano by Randy Newman or you get the overpowering bombast of the string sections from three regional symphony orchestras scored by John Williams. There is no middle ground. And there are, apparently, no other composers working in the film industry. So it is little wonder why most movies simply tack on tunes by whomever happens to be popular during post-production without regard to the actual story.
Satan has clearly thrown down the gauntlet with Harry Potter. He has put True Believers on notice that he will not give up until he has enticed all of our impressionable children to read books that don't start with naked people lying and killing each other (the Bible). Perhaps in anticipation of the eye-popping special effects the Lord has in mind for the forthcoming Apocalypse, the movie industry is trying to outflank Christians when it comes to creating a fantasy world filled with supernatural phenomenon and larger-than-life characters who wear flowing, beltless robes and find mortals a constant source of irritation. While our ghosts are Holy and are able to create adorable personal bonfires that hover over heads babbling "tongues" - an instant immersion course in languages that mean nothing to anyone - in an act of galling one-upmanship, secular ghosts tend to have more winning, cheerful personalities (think Casper) and entice humans to say things that are intelligible, if not quite interesting (think The Sixth Sense).
With Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone, Hollywood has joint-ventured with Lucifer to create a cunning piece of stunning $125 million propaganda to lure our Christian children away with the tantalizing powers of witchcraft. In doing so, Satan is simply taking advantage of centuries of Christians' hard work. If it were not for battalions of Baptists relentlessly brow-beating their children with Bible Study, Bible School, Vacation Bible School and Bible Camp, America's children would never have been inured to the implausible enough to swallow J. K. Rowling's far-fetched bunk in the first place. We soften them up to believe anything they are told - and Satan moves in for the now-easy sales pitch! Such brazen opportunism has not been seen since, well, Michael Jackson co-opted Anthrax as a vehicle to draw attention to himself, overlooking the fact that he no longer had a nose in which to inhale spores!
Harry Potter signals that Satan is clearly going after the most reliable demographic Christian churches normally count on for tithes - people gullible enough to believe that spells and hexes are real. Truly, there is no gratitude in this god-eat-god world of supernatural marketing. Indeed, if it weren't for Christians, there would be no satanic witchcraft. After all, we were the ones who invented Satan (as a vehicle for palming off all the horrible things that occur in a world created by an all-powerful being). If you don't believe in the Bible, then you don't believe in Satan. Indeed, Satanism is little more than an embarrassing offshoot of Christianity. Its followers believe all the same stuff we do about blood, demons and magic, but simply pick the wrong character in the fabulously gothic story to emphasize. As such, they are virtually indistinguishable from the Mary-genuflecting Catholics.
The same thankless debt is owed by witches. Shakespeare could make them come to life at the Old Globe, but it took Puritans to kill them in the real world. The witches of Macbeth may die on stage if inartfully played, but, in Salem, Christians ensure that they died on petards for their toil and trouble. Clearly, it takes a Christian to imbue an air of authenticity to a concept what non-believers may be otherwise inclined to simply dismiss as harmless, far-fetched fiction. Magic tricks like walking on water that can later be turned into a sea of chardonnay? That was us! As such, we deserve the credit for making otherwise intelligent adults regard truly outlandish tales as real. And what is the gratitude we get? Satan uses this carefully nurtured credulity to trot out an even slicker story than the erstwhile greatest one ever told - Harry Potter!
But enough on Christianity. You’re going to be working soon. Here’s how to get rich:
Many bloggers enjoy writing about their place of employment. This Internet rage is making a lot of employers upset, as bosses want their nice little drones to keep churning out products & services without all the pesky independent thought.
But it is very important that people all over the world journal their workplace opinions on-line every day, since these "job-blogs" serve to expose those in authority who exploit others for gain. When you get right down to it, though, blogging about the nine-to-five hours makes "The Man" nervous, and that's good enough.
Here are some techniques you can use to safely and effectively maintain a blog about the useless idiots (i.e. everybody except you) at your place of work without getting fired and, more importantly, gain money and fame. Follow these suggestions faithfully and you'll have a blog-site that'll draw in thousands of readers every day and you'll earn the fear, respect, and bribes from co-workers and managers who don't want to be the next fascinating subject in your popular on-line diary! When you get right down to it, though, the sole purpose of the Internet is to tell complete strangers everywhere how much you hate the real people around you and the embarrassing things you know about them, just to give you a fleeting sense of smug self-satisfaction, isn't it?
Blog Everything You Find Annoying About Your Job, No Matter How Small.
Ninety-nine percent of humanity is in economic servitude to the remaining one percent, but we don't have to like it. Therefore, anyone sacrificing their free will to a job has the God-given right to bitch about it. Thankfully, the Internet allows employees to complain worldwide, but more importantly, gives them the outlet to expose their boss's true nature, which is greedy, stupid, and worthless.
But don't stop kvetching about the boss on your blog when there's lots of your peers around you, oh no! Your co-workers, although appearing to be sane, professional, & mentally balanced, are human and therefore have "skeletons in their closets" that you, as a blogger, are morally entitled to spread around the Internet. The more controversial the secret ("April 21st blog entry: I just discovered Phil enjoys wearing diapers and being spanked by morbidly obese women."), the more comments you'll get in your blog (probably most of them from an enraged Phil).
Blog With A Cover Window Ready:
Just in case your manager Bill Lumbergh walks into your cubicle while you are detailing the relevant points of how much he sucks on your blog, always have a job-oriented window in your task bar ready to maximize (such as the company's website or an innocent-looking pie chart) in order to hide what you're actually doing (which sure as hell isn't working). If you're using a word-processor, click the "save" button often, since you may have to shut down whatever application you're using to compose your blog post when the boss pokes his ugly, balding head in the cubicle. If you're blogging on LiveJournal, just hit the "update page" button and there's a fifty-fifty chance the daily entry you've just spent three hours on will go to data heaven anyways, so you're pretty much covered.
Stay In The Office 'Rumor Mill':
Your co-worker's opinions about people who aren't within earshot are very important, since they often provide juicy material for your blog. Don't be hampered by the truth, by the way; major newspapers don't give a damn about the correct facts, so why should you? It's irrelevant whether or not Ed the new accountant is actually a child molester...what's important is that you heard the rumor, and it is your sacred blogger duty to get it on the Internet as soon as possible. Maybe Suzanne the temp enjoys rimming donkeys at bachelor parties, maybe she doesn't, who cares? As long as your office buddy Jim who just asked her for a date and got turned down says it's true, it's true.
Examine The Contents Of Other People's Desks When They Leave The Office.
When you get right down to it, human nature is pretty goddamn stupid, and it's amazing the incriminating evidence your co-workers and boss may have in their lower desk drawers. It is essential that you, the serious job-blogger, always have a digital camera on-hand in case you need to make digital copies of the love letters your manager is sending to his mistress. Or to take pictures of any pill bottles you may find in your co-worker's desks; you can post the details from the prescription labels and make a nifty pie-chart showing the ratio of people currently on heavy anti-depressants at your place of work.
Take Covert Pictures Of Your Co-Workers & Boss For Fun Blog Commentary.
There's no greater self-satisfaction than blogging a picture of a co-worker caught in an embarrassing situation, unless the photo incriminates your boss, whom you especially hate. Remember: keep that digital camera handy and always take pictures for your job-blog of:
- your boss picking his nose (or other unacceptable orifice). Always a classic.
- any co-worker screaming at his/her computer in frustration. Hopefully they'll start hitting it.
- anybody who's just gotten fired. Grief rules!
- your boss sitting in the washroom stall and looking up in shock at your camera's flash. Remember to use PhotoshopTM to edit out any "red-eye" that may appear.
- building security guards beating up anybody. Hopefully someone who's just been fired.
- building security guards getting beaten up by anybody. Hopefully the guy who got fired knows judo and just had seven cups of coffee.
- the pile of co-worker's coffee mugs you've stolen from the break room and super-glued into an Aztec pyramid.
- any manager having a tantrum. Remember to zoom in on their red, contorted face. Could make a good desktop background graphic.
- the attractive new temp.
- the attractive new temp's backside as she's filing.
- the attractive new temp's naked breasts through her bedroom window after you've followed her home.
Hack Into Workplace Computers For Incriminating Evidence.
Please do not tell me you don't know how to get into your boss's computer. You've already figured out how to bypass workplace filters so you can download gigabytes of porn, so accessing any so-called 'protected' folders should be a piece of cake. If you're not the system administrator, try to befriend the office geek who holds the office network power, or at least get incriminating evidence on them. Such geeks are probably reading blogs instead of working anyways, and if you threaten to post the video you took of him pretending to be a Jedi while waving a retractable pointer around like a light saber, he'll probably give you administrative rights from fear of the sheer amount of people who'll be laughing at him on the `Net.
It's a safe bet your co-workers are downloading just as much pornography as you are while presumably on the job, if not more. Try to find their hidden caches of online porn as it gives you a keen insight into their deepest thoughts and fantasies. And what a great thing to talk about on your blog! It may be difficult typing through the laughter after you've discovered Ted the program leader has a thing for old men wearing cheerleader costumes, but try to stay strong; thousands of readers are depending on you.
Point Out Your Company's Fiscal Weaknesses.
It's simply not right that you are getting crappy pay while the higher-ups continually give themselves raises, so take it upon yourself to learn exactly where the money is going in your company's finances. Hell, an honest business shouldn't be afraid of anybody checking out their bank account if you're able to post a live RSS feed to it on your blog. Also make digital scans of everybody's pay stubs, credit card slips, children's college bank account numbers, etc, to make your blog more "controversial" (read: litigable).
Refuse To Stop Blogging About Your Work, Even If Threatened With Dismissal.
Freedom Of Speech is what it's all about, so screw off, Mr. Bossman! It's none of your goddamn business if your employees choose to a) not work, and; b) post insulting remarks about you on the Internet while not working, so go back to your plush office and close the damn door. Maybe if you stop getting on our nerves by being so greedy and uncaring about the misery you cause, we bloggers suffering economic servitude will stop investigating your corporate lives to share the gritty details with the world...or maybe we won't.
In Conclusion: if you get fired for blogging about your job, sue the bastards on any legal precedent having to do with "Free Speech". Collect the settlement. Find a new job. Blog about your new job. Get fired for blogging. Sue. Collect settlement. Repeat. You'll be rich in no time, and maybe you will have enough funds to start a company of your own! You'll have to hire employees, though...uh, wait a minute...
Here’s how to start your new blog! You’ll be rich in no time!:
Interested in the blogging scene? Confused how to go about setting up your very own blog? Follow these fifty-one easy steps and you'll be a l33t blogger in no time!
1. Find a free blogging service, such as www.blogger.com
2. Register a catchy yet philosophically deep name for your new blog: "lifesucks"; "All Things Me"; "Lifehacker"; "Playing With Matches"; "The Internet Slacker", "I Stalk David Hasselhoff".
3. Consider one of the many pre-made website templates offered by the blogging service, or one created by you.
4. Turn your nose up in disgust at the thought of using a pre-made template for your blog.
5. Spend the next seventeen hours creating a functioning website from scratch. If using Microsoft FrontPageTM, relocate all children and elders to a safe area out of your "profanity zone".
6. Complete your self-made blog template by clicking on the "Publish Website" command in Microsoft FrontPageTM.
7. Watch in shock as the aforementioned seventeen hours of hard work gets permanently deleted off your hard drive by Microsoft FrontPageTM.
8. Swear so loudly all dogs within a five block radius begin running in circles and howling.
9. Declare "Screw It" and choose from a pre-made template. Always choose one with lots of kittens and flashing animated gifs.
10. Make sure the template is ready for your first blog entry. You can do this by going to your new blog's URL address and seeing if the page loads properly. It will have no posts yet, of course, as you have not actually written your first blog entry. (If you do see a post written by yourself at this specific moment in time, read it! You've traveled back in time to warn yourself about the "Publish Website" command in Microsoft FrontPageTM).
11. Click in the "Create Post" selection. The window will reload with a box for you to type text in.
12. Put fingers to keyboard in preparation to type your first blog entry.
13. Realize in horror that you have absolutely no idea what you're going to write about.
14. And you've got a whole blog ahead of you.
15. Stand up and get an alcoholic beverage to calm you.
16. Pace back and forth while racking your brain for a great post.
17. Cast resentful looks at your computer monitor while drinking the alcoholic beverage.
18. Come up with a touching yet funny childhood memory you can write about, like when you and all the other fat kids in the neighborhood used to take down the ice cream man not unlike a pack of lions ravaging a wounded gazelle.
19. Or, make your first post about how much you love pets. Remark on the fact that you let your pet pit bull out of the house every night to get some freedom and exercise even though the sirens from the ambulances tearing through your neighborhood constantly interrupt your sleep.
20. Or, make a heartfelt confession about how guilty you feel that you could never be a vegetarian because you salivate every time a nature documentary appears on the television.
21. Sit back down at your computer desk with your great idea.
22. Complete your first post.
23. Experience a fleeting sense of satisfaction that you now have a blog with an actual entry, even though it details your sexual attraction to Yoda.
24. Immediately phone all your friends and family to tell them the URL. Remind your grandmother that 'stiffwoodysdiary' in your blog's address is spelled "all one word".
25. Reload your blog incessantly every two minutes to see if anyone has made a comment.
26. Become enraged when the very first comment made on your very first blog entry is "yuo are teh sUxx0r!" from Anonymous
27. Go outdoors to calm down and get some fresh air, since you've spent twenty-two hours now working on your blog.
28. Tell every person you encounter - jogger, police officer, frantic paramedic - your blog's URL.
29. Head back home when an idea for a blog entry comes to mind, such as the rudeness of paramedics who can't be bothered to talk about your blog because they are busy helping some whiner with pitbull bite wounds on his throat.
30. When back at your computer, immediately refresh your blog's page to see if any more comments were made while you were gone.
31. Grip the edge of your computer desk when the second comment reads "I said yuo are teh sUxx0r!" by Anonymous
32. Click on the "make new post" button on your blog.
33. Realize with horror you've totally forgotten the good writing idea.
34. Stand up and get another drink.
35. Sit back down at your computer desk.
36. Write your second post: how people who make dumb comments on blogs should be strung up by their genitals with barbed wire.
37. Complete the second post.
38. Stand up and get a third drink to calm you down from the blogging experience.
39. Watch TV while thinking you shouldn't watch so much television since experiencing life would probably make for a blog that's actually interesting to read. By going out more, you'll be able to continue to spread the address of your blog to bemused strangers, too.
40. Accept phone call from your grandmother asking you to change 'stiffwoody' in your blog's name to something more polite.
41. Refuse and hang up phone.
42. On the way back to the television, refresh your blog's page again to see if there are any more comments.
43. Experience relief when third comment is a non-abusive one. Become incredibly depressed when you discover it is written by a fellow blogger asking if you ever fantasize about wearing lederhosen while flailing midgets with kielbasa sausage, and if you'd like to meet up with him for same.
44. Stand up and get a much larger, stronger drink.
45. Consider making your third post. Repeat verbal declaration made in step #9, forget blogging for now, go to bed.
46. Just before you fall asleep, realize with horror you'll need to repeat steps #11 to #45 daily to keep your bragging rights about owning a blog (which, ironically, nobody reads).
47. Slip into an uneasy nightmare about being forced to type the word "sUxx0r" on a flaming keyboard while chained to Jabba the Hutt, who keeps demanding "More! More! Jakatooie Blogga Dooie! More!!!"
48. Wake up in the morning. Scream.
49. Read the new comments posted on your blog. Scream again.
50. Repeat for the rest of your life.
51. Welcome To Blogging!
But you’ll be distracted between your posts, you say? No problem; just play MMORPGs! You don’t know if there’s any ones you’re interested in, you say? Here’s some suggestions about how to improve them:
Face it, online entertainment companies: massively-multiplayer games are not raking in the major bucks anymore . That's because players are bored; there just isn't anything new, fun, or interesting in the current crop of MMORPG's on the market today.
But have faith, game developers! If you use these simple ten suggestions to improve your virtual worlds, hundreds of thousands of players will soon return and, more importantly, get you 'back in the bling-bling' again!
1) Real-Time Payback Option: Every time a player is defeated in online combat they will instantly receive the GPS tracking co-ordinates of the gamer who killed them. This information will allow the annoyed player to physically locate the offending person in the real world in order to slap them repeatedly across the face while screaming, "WHO OWNZERS WHO NOW, BIOTCH?"
2) Gender Verification: Too many male online gamers have suffered the fate of romancing a beautiful elf maiden who is actually a fifty-seven year old balding accountant guy with hair on his back. The new breed of MMORPG's will come equipped with a small video cam that each and every player must keep trained on their genitalia at all times while logged into the game. When an online player meets someone they're attracted to, they simply click an icon on the person's avatar and voila! A real-time video feed proving female or male gender. While some players may find this to be an extreme solution, they've obviously never had a blind date that turned out to be a fifty-seven year old balding accountant guy with hair on his back.
3) Customizable Trailer Homes: Not everyone wants to live in a cold, drafty castle. Many players enjoy the comfy closeness of a trailer home, since that's the real-word domicile in which they reside. Trailer homes are the perfect solution for guilds: members can form trailer parks to drink beer, shout obscenities, and wander around in stained undershirts. Another advantage of trailer homes for guilds is mobility; if a safer area from attack is required, just pick up and move the trailers to the new 'park' (preferably in the front lawn of the nearest castle; royalty love trailer homes in their gardens).
4) Quests That Are Actually Fun: Nobody likes performing dumb quests like collecting a dozen glowing fungi or killing & skinning five deer to collect leather. Why not have quests that are actually fun, like PK Seven Defenseless Newbies or Join A Guild, Loot Their Headquarters, Then Quit, or the ever-popular quest, Ask Each And Every Player In The Game, "cn i hav yur stuff d00d?"
5) Ability To Hoof Another Player In The Nuts: Special combat moves exist in most MMORPG's, yet this author has never seen the one attack most often used in violent situations (usually around bars or the ex-wife): a good, hard kick right in the offending person's `groceries'. It would only heighten an online game's popularity if developers added such an option; when the attacking player is successful in delivering a "Testicular Trauma" special move, the kicked player's avatar immediately grabs his ribs and sinks to his knees while moaning, "oooohh...goddddd...the paainnnn...".
6) Weapons That Are Actually Cool: We're all sick and tired of swords and maces, guns and lasers, yadda yadda yadda. There simply needs to be more variety in the items players may use in an offensive manner. Many fighters would enjoy the challenge of battling dragons with a good nine-iron golf club, shattered beer bottle, or flaming accordion, for example. There also needs to be more powerful weapons. Why can't an online game have nuclear devices? It would give a guild a great sense of satisfaction assembling an ICBM to launch at their enemies or, better yet, at a big crowd of newbies.
7) 'Going Postal' Option: We've all suffered the experience of becoming tired of an online game and quitting, letting our accounts languish in a state of limbo. Why not have the choice of going out in style? When a player decides he's sick of playing an online game, all he needs to do is click the `Going Postal' option that will grant him near god-like powers and invulnerability. He may then go on a massive killing spree for an hour, at the end of which his avatar explodes, taking out half the virtual surrounding environment. The player is then logged off and his account deleted. This 'Going Postal' feature may very well lure Players back to an online game just so they can go berserk in this style again, leading to new account creation and increased revenue.
8) Graffiti: Spray-painted `tags' are a constant feature in real-life, so why not in virtual worlds? There are some extremely talented graffiti artists who would love displaying their `skillz' on, oh let's say, each and every wall of each and every structure their on-line personae can possibly find. Guilds will benefit from `tagging' their territory with spray-painted omens such as "sTay OuT oR BC Guild RoXJor Yuuu" or insulting artwork depicting the enemy guild's leader having personal relations with Tony Danza.
9) Instant Game Master Summoning: We've all suffered through long waits for a Game Master to appear in order to fix our on-line problems. Since we, the Players, are paying a monthly fee, why should we have to waste our time standing around for a Game Master instead of playing the damn game in the first place? Instead, MMORPG companies should hire hundreds, no, thousands, of Game Masters so that when a player calls for assistance, a GM appears the very second after the request has been made. In fact, a player should be allowed to call for a Game Master if they are just feeling lonely and would like to "chat" about "stuff" at four in the morning.
10) Cease monthly billing and make all MMORPG's free to play, you greedy corporate bastards. I promised at the beginning of this article you'd get the "bling-bling" back, but I don't care. Now send me a Game Master, I need someone to help me redecorate my trailer home. My real trailer home.
And, in the spirit of the season, I close with an essay on Christmas:
There is an interesting new twist in the age-old "We poor Christians are being attacked!" movement this year: The "keep Christ in Christmas" movement, attracting wannabe-martyrs from churches including Catholic to Methodist ; Baptists, strangely enough, seem divided on the issue. Some others are threatening to boycott Macy's if they do not replace "Happy Holidays" signs with "Merry Christmas" ones. No information is available from Macy's website about whether the Christmas, Kwanzaa, Hannukah, or Saturnalia signs will be replaced.
What exactly is Christmas, anyway? Definitions include Dance moves, a summer holiday, and Christ's birthday, although this last one claims that it is not actually his birthday, but a pagan holiday (Saturnalia) that they moved Christ's birthday to because everyone celebrated it anyway. Maybe we should take it one piece at a time. The 12 day festival with a burning log, the giving of gifts, feasts, and singers walking from house to house originated, as nearly as anyone can tell, with Zagmuk, a festival to help the Sumerian god Marduk in his struggle against Tiamat and the forces of chaos. This was also the earliest known version of the "corn king" ritual, where a criminal is made king, and all his commands obeyed, until he is gruesomely killed to assist the gods, or make the crops grow. Note the resemblance of this practice to the death and rebirth of Christ, dying to wash away sins, etc.
The Romans celebrated Saturnalia, a festival to Saturn, god of fertility and agriculture. It included the giving of gifts, decking halls with garlands, and decorating green trees with candles. It was because the Romans refused to stop celebrating Saturnalia that Bishop Julius I of Rome declared December 25 Christ's birthday, and ordered the celebrations to be in his honor. He also ordered a church occasion, or "mass", on that day, hence "Christmas."
The Mithrans also had a holiday on December 25, the birth of Mithras. Mithras was supposedly created by Ahura-Mazda, the chief deity of Iranian polytheism, to save the world from it's own excesses, born to a virgin, and died after a last supper with his adherents to ascend to heaven. Followers were baptized in the blood of a bull, ate bread and wine to represent Mithras' body and blood, and held Sunday sacred. Suffice it to say that Mithraism was influential in the Roman Empire, and suborning it's followers would have been a priority for the Christian church at the time.
Now we begin to see why "Happy Holidays" has gained such usage; The alternatives, such as "Chrisma-Hannu-Kwanzika", are both cumbersome and bound to leave someone out. On the other hand, when former Texas governor Ann Richards was told that the state should consider removing the star on top of the capitol building, as it was a religious symbol, she replied, "I don't know, I think it might be our only chance of getting three wise men in there."
The truly disturbing aspect of this situation is the self-victimization involved: Stores no longer have "merry Christmas" signs, and that means that Christianity is under attack? Is Judaism under attack because there aren't any "happy Hannukah" signs at Wal-Mart? And don't even ask about Yom Kippur sales events or Ramadan parades. Of course, the same people who are up in arms over banning nativity scenes from public schools would most likely form a lynch mob if I were to put up a Saturnalia display in my front yard. These people are just weird.
But why am I so awesome? Because I gain renown from association with the previous essays. I’m awesome because I have all those links and essays and resources for you to read. Now gimme my candy canes. And Matt, you owe me 24 candy bars.
This is the last part; it's over 35 pages so I had to cut it up so LJ wouldn't break. :P