(no subject)
these feelings of sucky-ness have not waned. perhaps even intensified?
I don't really feel like talking on the phone and texting is too much of a hassle. I am feeling really shitty right now. My feelings of wanting to drop everything and run away have not abated. I want to quit this new job before it even starts (the physical/doctors office thing isn't helping matters either, i have to go back there whenever i can get an appt which i cant make until tuesday because the offices are closed all weekend and not to mention the fact that i really just dont want to deal with them anymore, let alone pay another 20 and drive 30 minutes out of my way to deal with some shit). im even having trouble finding the motivation to get these dogs walks done, im doing them but i dont want to. i feel like im a zombie just going through the motions of the day. even when im around other people who like me and i even like, i just feel off. im losing faith really fast. i want to run away, or sleep for a very long time and not deal with anything anymore. i am depressed, i know that. because i know that even all these stressors will shift eventually and my life will start to balance, but i cant fully enjoy all the good things in my life right now. i dont know what to do. im going to bed soon though. not coming to hjf tomorrow. going to a meeting tho. i will try to call you tomorrow.I don't really feel like talking on the phone and texting is too much of a hassle. I am feeling really shitty right now. My feelings of wanting to drop everything and run away have not abated. I want to quit this new job before it even starts (the physical/doctors office thing isn't helping matters either, i have to go back there whenever i can get an appt which i cant make until tuesday because the offices are closed all weekend and not to mention the fact that i really just dont want to deal with them anymore, let alone pay another 20 and drive 30 minutes out of my way to deal with some shit). im even having trouble finding the motivation to get these dogs walks done, im doing them but i dont want to. i feel like im a zombie just going through the motions of the day. even when im around other people who like me and i even like, i just feel off. im losing faith really fast. i want to run away, or sleep for a very long time and not deal with anything anymore. i am depressed, i know that. because i know that even all these stressors will shift eventually and my life will start to balance, but i cant fully enjoy all the good things in my life right now. i dont know what to do. im going to bed soon though. not coming to hjf tomorrow. going to a meeting tho. i will try to call you tomorrow. there was wine in the house that im dog sitting for, and i stared at it for a while. the airbag light in my car has been on for like a month and today i thought how funny it would be if i got into an accident and it didnt deploy and i smashed my face into the steering wheel. i know i am supposed to be honest, but i also know that in AA we're all just trying to protect ourselves and that means telling crazy people "i cant help you." im scared to talk to anyone in the program and hear that from them. i fucking hate the program.
basically, i want to disappear.
I don't really feel like talking on the phone and texting is too much of a hassle. I am feeling really shitty right now. My feelings of wanting to drop everything and run away have not abated. I want to quit this new job before it even starts (the physical/doctors office thing isn't helping matters either, i have to go back there whenever i can get an appt which i cant make until tuesday because the offices are closed all weekend and not to mention the fact that i really just dont want to deal with them anymore, let alone pay another 20 and drive 30 minutes out of my way to deal with some shit). im even having trouble finding the motivation to get these dogs walks done, im doing them but i dont want to. i feel like im a zombie just going through the motions of the day. even when im around other people who like me and i even like, i just feel off. im losing faith really fast. i want to run away, or sleep for a very long time and not deal with anything anymore. i am depressed, i know that. because i know that even all these stressors will shift eventually and my life will start to balance, but i cant fully enjoy all the good things in my life right now. i dont know what to do. im going to bed soon though. not coming to hjf tomorrow. going to a meeting tho. i will try to call you tomorrow.I don't really feel like talking on the phone and texting is too much of a hassle. I am feeling really shitty right now. My feelings of wanting to drop everything and run away have not abated. I want to quit this new job before it even starts (the physical/doctors office thing isn't helping matters either, i have to go back there whenever i can get an appt which i cant make until tuesday because the offices are closed all weekend and not to mention the fact that i really just dont want to deal with them anymore, let alone pay another 20 and drive 30 minutes out of my way to deal with some shit). im even having trouble finding the motivation to get these dogs walks done, im doing them but i dont want to. i feel like im a zombie just going through the motions of the day. even when im around other people who like me and i even like, i just feel off. im losing faith really fast. i want to run away, or sleep for a very long time and not deal with anything anymore. i am depressed, i know that. because i know that even all these stressors will shift eventually and my life will start to balance, but i cant fully enjoy all the good things in my life right now. i dont know what to do. im going to bed soon though. not coming to hjf tomorrow. going to a meeting tho. i will try to call you tomorrow. there was wine in the house that im dog sitting for, and i stared at it for a while. the airbag light in my car has been on for like a month and today i thought how funny it would be if i got into an accident and it didnt deploy and i smashed my face into the steering wheel. i know i am supposed to be honest, but i also know that in AA we're all just trying to protect ourselves and that means telling crazy people "i cant help you." im scared to talk to anyone in the program and hear that from them. i fucking hate the program.
basically, i want to disappear.