Seasons Change
Hey folks,
Because I suck at LJ, I've neglected announcing some significant, pending changes in my life.
While I love my job teaching at Our Lady of the Lake University even more than I love the name of the university (which is a whole lot), I've decided to take a fellowship back at UNT in Denton (at my PhD granting institution).
The Cons
1) I'm giving up the chance to teach another upper level course at Our Lady of the Lake University next semester.
2) I won't be teaching in my fellowship, which I will miss.
3) My reliability might be questioned by my department at Our Lady of the Lake, and as a result:
4) I might be losing my advantage for the full time position that will opening up next fall at Our Lady of the Lake.
The Pros
1) I'd make 3 times the salary I'm currently making.
2) I'd receive medical and dental again.
3) My tuition would be waived, so I wouldn't be paying that out of pocket.
2) I'd work a very small fraction of the time I currently work, so I could spend more time writing.
Some complications:
1) I technically haven't been offered the fellowship yet (though things look very good).
2) I already declined the classes at Our Lady of the Lake to give them enough time to hire someone new.
3) If for whatever reason, I don't land the fellowship, I'll be utterly screwed next semester.
So that's my professional life in a nutshell.
A lot happened over the Thanksgiving break. I drove the 10 hours from central Texas to El Paso, Texas (Texas is sort of a big state) to visit my father and my grand folks (his folks).
To begin with, my grandfolks' health and mobility has greatly deteriorated even since a year ago. My granddad is almost entirely immobile, and he's very large. We have to use a kind of crane to get him to bed. My grandma might be better off if she wasn't always tending to her husband. I had planned on seeing several old friends from high school, but I only saw one because I just couldn't leave my grandfolks. There were so many things neglected around the house.
I hope it doesn't sound like I'm complaining. I'm lucky to still have both grandfolks, but it was the first time I saw them both at that sad height. I even changed my granddad's diaper a couple of times. My granddad's got a great sense of humor about it though. He frequently reminded me of the many times he had changed mine as a baby. He'd been saving IOUs for some time, and now he was collecting. I already have a post I plan on writing about him, but I'll save that for another time. I will say that, as I grew up, he served as my model of what a man should be, and he still does.
Aside from them, I hung out with my childhood friend Roni. She and I have known each other since we were twelve. I would visit her on my way home from school and leave her poems I wrote for her. She still has every one of them. We never ended up together though. When she was ready I was with someone else; when I was ready, she was with someone else. Timing. Now, she lives in El Paso and has no intention of leaving. That's not the only hesitation about being with her, but it's a big one. I never want to end up there again. We talk about the family we'll never have with each other, and "two by two like cat and mouse, the homeless played at keeping house." So it goes.
Lastly, my father and I had a huge fight. I never fight with my father. He left when I was born to chase his country music dream, to consort with the women who chase musicians, and to consume rivers of booze and mountains of cocaine. He came back around when I was a teenager. I was happy to have him back; my older brother, Trent, wasn't as enthusiastic. Trent remembered more than I did.
In any event, throughout the last twenty years since my father returned, my brother butt heads with him frequently, and I mediated and consoled. I was happy to considering I didn't carry over anything from my dad's grand exit. However, while my father has since quit drinking, chasing women, and doing drugs (for which I'm very proud of him), he's one of the most insecure people I've ever met, who needs constant and repeated affirmation. I find that trait very annoying. I know that probably makes me sound callous, and of course, I love to be a comfort to friends and family when they need it, BUT my father is unbelievably insecure. It's exhausting to parent your own parent.
So, things came to a head. During my visit he called me a terrible name that far better describes him. Normally, I would brush it off, but I couldn't this time. I railed into him. I never yell at people...ever. I can be very angry, but I usually go off by myself, fume, and return ready to resolve things. I exploded on my father. I hate that I did. I saw the hurt in his eyes immediately. As insecure as he is, I'll never be able to undo what I did this last week.
Still, I did apologize, and we did reconcile as best we could. Later that night, he gave me one of his oldest Fender Telecasters. It's beautiful, and I was overwhelmed. I'll post a picture of it in my next post. It was his way of putting me before his music: something he's failed to do his whole life. It meant and means a whole lot to me.
Anyway, those are the broad strokes. Semester is about over, and I've been grading nonstop for awhile. Thought I'd check in.
Because I suck at LJ, I've neglected announcing some significant, pending changes in my life.
While I love my job teaching at Our Lady of the Lake University even more than I love the name of the university (which is a whole lot), I've decided to take a fellowship back at UNT in Denton (at my PhD granting institution).
The Cons
1) I'm giving up the chance to teach another upper level course at Our Lady of the Lake University next semester.
2) I won't be teaching in my fellowship, which I will miss.
3) My reliability might be questioned by my department at Our Lady of the Lake, and as a result:
4) I might be losing my advantage for the full time position that will opening up next fall at Our Lady of the Lake.
The Pros
1) I'd make 3 times the salary I'm currently making.
2) I'd receive medical and dental again.
3) My tuition would be waived, so I wouldn't be paying that out of pocket.
2) I'd work a very small fraction of the time I currently work, so I could spend more time writing.
Some complications:
1) I technically haven't been offered the fellowship yet (though things look very good).
2) I already declined the classes at Our Lady of the Lake to give them enough time to hire someone new.
3) If for whatever reason, I don't land the fellowship, I'll be utterly screwed next semester.
So that's my professional life in a nutshell.
A lot happened over the Thanksgiving break. I drove the 10 hours from central Texas to El Paso, Texas (Texas is sort of a big state) to visit my father and my grand folks (his folks).
To begin with, my grandfolks' health and mobility has greatly deteriorated even since a year ago. My granddad is almost entirely immobile, and he's very large. We have to use a kind of crane to get him to bed. My grandma might be better off if she wasn't always tending to her husband. I had planned on seeing several old friends from high school, but I only saw one because I just couldn't leave my grandfolks. There were so many things neglected around the house.
I hope it doesn't sound like I'm complaining. I'm lucky to still have both grandfolks, but it was the first time I saw them both at that sad height. I even changed my granddad's diaper a couple of times. My granddad's got a great sense of humor about it though. He frequently reminded me of the many times he had changed mine as a baby. He'd been saving IOUs for some time, and now he was collecting. I already have a post I plan on writing about him, but I'll save that for another time. I will say that, as I grew up, he served as my model of what a man should be, and he still does.
Aside from them, I hung out with my childhood friend Roni. She and I have known each other since we were twelve. I would visit her on my way home from school and leave her poems I wrote for her. She still has every one of them. We never ended up together though. When she was ready I was with someone else; when I was ready, she was with someone else. Timing. Now, she lives in El Paso and has no intention of leaving. That's not the only hesitation about being with her, but it's a big one. I never want to end up there again. We talk about the family we'll never have with each other, and "two by two like cat and mouse, the homeless played at keeping house." So it goes.
Lastly, my father and I had a huge fight. I never fight with my father. He left when I was born to chase his country music dream, to consort with the women who chase musicians, and to consume rivers of booze and mountains of cocaine. He came back around when I was a teenager. I was happy to have him back; my older brother, Trent, wasn't as enthusiastic. Trent remembered more than I did.
In any event, throughout the last twenty years since my father returned, my brother butt heads with him frequently, and I mediated and consoled. I was happy to considering I didn't carry over anything from my dad's grand exit. However, while my father has since quit drinking, chasing women, and doing drugs (for which I'm very proud of him), he's one of the most insecure people I've ever met, who needs constant and repeated affirmation. I find that trait very annoying. I know that probably makes me sound callous, and of course, I love to be a comfort to friends and family when they need it, BUT my father is unbelievably insecure. It's exhausting to parent your own parent.
So, things came to a head. During my visit he called me a terrible name that far better describes him. Normally, I would brush it off, but I couldn't this time. I railed into him. I never yell at people...ever. I can be very angry, but I usually go off by myself, fume, and return ready to resolve things. I exploded on my father. I hate that I did. I saw the hurt in his eyes immediately. As insecure as he is, I'll never be able to undo what I did this last week.
Still, I did apologize, and we did reconcile as best we could. Later that night, he gave me one of his oldest Fender Telecasters. It's beautiful, and I was overwhelmed. I'll post a picture of it in my next post. It was his way of putting me before his music: something he's failed to do his whole life. It meant and means a whole lot to me.
Anyway, those are the broad strokes. Semester is about over, and I've been grading nonstop for awhile. Thought I'd check in.