My Christmas Story
Caitlin Griffin
12/13/05
Those Damn Yankees!
There once was a family called the Marlins. This family had many traditions celebrated throughout the year, but the most entertaining and most memorable of these traditions was the one the Marlins called the Yankee Swap. The Yankee Swap took place every Christmas night at Nana Minnie and Grampy Joe Marlin’s house. The tradition of the Yankee Swap in the Marlin family first began when the youngest of Joe and Minnie’s children, nicknamed Tree-tree, turned fourteen, and the Christmas tradition would fortunately (or unfortunately) continue on for many generations.
There are only a few rules for the Yankee Swap, since many of the Marlin boys could hardly remember their middle names. Each member of the family who was over fourteen was allowed to participate and they had to bring one wrapped gift to the annual Marlin Christmas party. Everyone who played got three cards, designed, printed and laminated by Aunty Tree-tree. Whoever was not taking part in the Yankee Swap is allowed to call out cards from another stack, which were the same as the first, except on a different color piece of paper (Aunty Tree-Tree again). If your card is called, you pick a gift from the pile and open it. If your third and final card is called, you pick whichever gift you like the best, and that is the one you get to keep. This part of the Yankee Swap is where most of the Marlin family fights tend to break out.
It was another Marlin tradition to have at least one gift concerning coffee, usually of the Dunkin Donuts variety, a gift that sings, dances, or does some other obnoxious activity, as well as a gift that not even a homeless person would want.
Now its time to tell about some of those famous Marlin fights. As I said before, a coffee gift always seemed to find its way into the pile of Yankee Swap presents, and these gifts also always seemed to find its way into the hands of Cousin Dumbo, who flew in from Switzerland, or whatever country he happened to be in that week, just to take part in his family’s unique gift exchange. No matter how hard his fellow cousins tried, Dumbo always seemed to walk away with a pound of coffee or a twenty-five dollar gift card to Dunkin’ Donuts in his pocket. Maybe it had something to do with the fact that Dumbo’s father, Joe Jr., was usually the person in charge of calling out the cards.
Another memorable Marlin Christmas fight revolves mainly around a ham. One year, not too long ago, Cousin Lefty was running late for the family Christmas party when he realized that he had forgotten his Yankee Swap gift at home. Since he definitely wouldn’t have time to go all the way back home and grab the gift, Lefty decided to stop at the nearest convenience store and pick up a gift and some cheap wrapping paper. But, seeing as it was already Christmas Night, the store was nearly sold out. Lefty ended up having to buy a packaged ham and some Fourth of July style wrapping. Lefty finally made it to his grandparents’ house and the Yankee Swap began soon after. In the end, it came down to two people, Lefty and Cousin Bill, and two gifts, the ham, and a jacket from Grampy Joe’s Auto Body Shop. As luck would have it, Bill’s card was called first. Lefty desperately wanted to get rid of his last-minute ham and began yelling, “Take the ham! Take the ham!” over and over again at his younger cousin. This didn’t help Lefty any, Bill took the jacket and let his cousin be reunited with his ham. The next year, Lefty didn’t bother getting a new gift; he decided to re-gift the ham instead. Of course, Lefty, being the unlucky man that he was, got stuck with the ham once again, although he didn’t go down without a fight. Another year went buy and Lefty decided to finally get a new gift, but Aunty Tree-tree decided to be funny and got a Blockbusters gift card and put it in a ham-shaped gift box. Since none of the Marlins wanted to end up being “cursed” like Lefty, so Tree-tree’s gift was the last to be unwrapped, but Cousin J.J., who ended up taking the gift, was very happy with his present for the year.
Yet another tradition of the annual Marlin gift swap was that every year there would be at least one gift that made some kind of obnoxious noise, whether it be a singing bass fish, a farmhouse cookie jar that mooed, quacked, or oinked every time you opened it, or a singing dancing Christmas tree whose lights flashed to the music. It was also a tradition for whoever ended up with the noisemaking gift to “accidentally” leave the gift at Nana and Grampy’s house. It’s been said on more than one occasion that Nana Minnie has an entire closet full of presents that sing, flash, and dance every time the closet door is opened.
On top of all the things that take place during the Yankee Swap, the conversations just add to the craziness. Since Aunts Melanie, Lauren, and Katie and Cousins Nicole, Carrie, and Kristine are all nurses and Uncle Greg is also a doctor, you can always count on a few stories from the hospitals, including gory emergency room stories and tales of the things patients who have had a little too much morphine have said and done. Whenever Cousin Dumbo was in town, it’s almost guaranteed that there will be a heated argument about politics, especially child labor laws.
Another thing you cannot escape at a Marlin family gathering, of any kind really, is the food. Christmas veterans know better than to eat before going anywhere near Nana Minnie’s kitchen, because otherwise you’ll be sick from all the food they’ve force-fed you. First-time Christmas guests are always shocked at the amount of food that makes its way onto the dining room tables.
Now, many years after Minnie and Joe first started their Christmas Yankee Swap, the tradition is still going strong. And all of the Marlins hope that as each generations grows, the tradition will continue on.