Chapter Nine
CHAPTER NINE: IS IT ME, OR ARE THESE CHAPTERS GETTING SHORTER AND SHORTER? THAT IS NOT GOOD FOR THE WORD COUNT. I THINK I SHOULD PAD OUT MY WORDS A LITTLE MORE.
The epic journey of the NEW AND IMPROVED PENTAGON OF POWER, MUHAHAHA!!! was almost at an end (but, obviously, not TOO close, because we have only just passed twenty six thousand words. And we need fifty thousand to win this National Novel Writing Month. Not all of those words belong to this story about the NEW AND IMPROVED PENTAGON OF POWER, MUHAHAHA!!!, because before this, there was once a serious novel planned to be written. And it had began; it had about fourteen thousand words. It was going well. But it was not going speedily. And November is not for “good”; November is for QUANTITY, not QUALITY. And thus, this story about the NEW AND IMPROVED PENTAGON OF POWER, MUHAHAHA!!! was flung forth onto the page you are now reading from. From which you are now reading. The story was flung forth onto the page from which you are now reading. Yes.
So the NEW AND IMPROVED PENTAGON OF POWER, MUHAHAHA!!! still had some way to go on their epic journey along the path of the Harmless and Light Forest of Kindness and Joy (by the way, that is like, the first time since the first time I wrote it that I have been able to remember the name of the Harmless and Light forest of Kindness and Joy, and typed it out myself, instead of copy and pasting it. Claps for me!!!) Um… where were we, again? Imagine some waiting music while I find my train of thought again. Do do do do do, do do do, do do do do, dododododo, dooo, dooo, do do do do do. Ten points if you can pick the tune I was thinking of (HA, GOOD LUCK WITH THAT; THERE WAS NO TUNE! JUST ME REPEATING THE SAME TWO LETTERS!!!). Maybe it will just be better if I start that paragraph again.
So the NEW AND IMPROVED PENTAGON OF POWER, MUHAHAHA!!! still had some way to go on their epic journey along the path of the Harmless and Light Forest of Kindness and Joy, but, to be honest, they kind of just wanted to go to their respective homes and have a nice big bubble bath. And a cup of tea. Mm. Tea. I might go boil the kettle once I have finished where I was going here. But, alas, the NEW AND IMPROVED PENTAGON OF POWER, MUHAHAHA!!! could not go to their respective homes and have neither bubble baths nor cups of tea, because they were on an epic journey through the Harmless and Light Forest of Kindness and Joy. So, you know, sucks to be them. Or something more encouraging to our protagonists.
Okay. So, updates in my own personal writing situation. That last paragraph? It was written in the study, on the proper computer (PC). And then I went to boil the kettle to make myself that pot of tea we were talking about. And there were ANTS IN MY TEAPOT. ANTS!!! I did not want a tea blended from the bodies of ants. I just wanted a pot of black tea. So I had to wash it, and get rid of all those smelly ants who wanted to ruin my tea drinking experience. And THEN a THUNDER STORM came a-brewing. And so I had to turn the proper computer off, and leave the company of teh internetz, and start up again on the laptop. Not even my own lappy (who knows when I will be getting it back?), but my daddy’s laptop. And I am sitting with it, in my bedroom, listening to the rain bucket down, accompanied by the charming tones of Megan Washington (on my iPod. Not live. That would be weird.). So there we are. I think that brings you up to date. Here’s to hoping I do not become flooded before I reach fifty thousand words. Now! Back to the story!
I lost my train of thought again. I am not doing so well today. Ah. The NEW AND IMPROVED PENTAGON OF POWER, MUHAHAHA!!! were wishing that they had never embarked upon their epic journey, because they were beginning to miss their little home comforts like tea, and bubble baths, and basic hygiene. If only it were not for the fact that they had set out to defeat an evil robot, and had actually signed a contract, they probably would have turned around and gone home then and there. Except for the part where they were now closer to the other side of the Harmless and Light Forest of Kindness and Joy than they were to home, and if they were to turn around now, they would just have to face all the same oddities which they had already faced on their way there.
So they kept on walking. Or more like dragging their feet along, barely lifting them from the ground, so I am not so sure that it can be counted as “walking”. It was kind of like ice skating, if only they had been wearing skates, or been travelling across ice. Speaking of skating…
“Oh my, how are we
Going to cross that canyon,
Without getting dead?” Lucy the Literate asked, her poetic voice filled with worry. Because they had suddenly come across a giant canyon. Like, even bigger than the giant swamp made of creamed corn. Which had been pretty giant. And they had no idea of any way to cross it. UNTIL…
“Are those… are those SKATEBOARDS?” Eleanor the Electric asked, pointing to a pile of five skateboards. Five of them! Who would have thought? What were the chances of that? Five members of the NEW AND IMPROVED PENTAGON OF POWER, MUHAHAHA!!! and five skateboards! One for each of them! Amazing! What luck! Well, maybe it was not LUCK, as such, because well, if it had been LUCK, there would not have been a canyon to cross at all. Just rainbows and butterflies and cups of tea and bubble baths. But in the circumstances, the existence of a skateboard each for the five members of the NEW AND IMPROVED PENTAGON OF POWER, MUHAHAHA!!! was lucky.
“Wait, wait a moment, are you serious?” India asked me. Wait, is that right? Can someone check that? She was asking ME? The author? Is she allowed to do that? According to the need for lots and lots and lots and loyts - no, not loyts, LOTS! - and lots and lots of words, she can. Huh. Well there we go. Sorry, India; continue. “You want us to SKATEBOARD over a canyon? What is this, The Simpsons? We all know that skateboarding over Springfield Gorge did not work out well for them… and they were cartoons! They only had two dimensions to worry about! Look at me! I have three dimensions that are able to be hurt from skateboarding over a canyon. Even if I do have eternal health! Oh wait… I have eternal health. I have nothing to worry about. Um, someone else carry on this argument, if you do not want to get hurt, or something.
Sian the half human, half robot stepped up to the plate. The proverbial plate. In actuality, she just stood where she had been standing previously. “Skateboard across a canyon? What were you thinking? Are you serious?”
One, it was Charlotte’s idea. Blame her.
Two, you do not have to skateboard across it! Do not be ridiculous! That would be madness! Are you kidding? You guys could be killed! Except for India, who has eternal health and wealth. She might just get a few scratches, or something. Oh, and the grief of losing the rest of the members of the NEW AND IMPROVED PENTAGON OF POWER, MUHAHAHA!!!. It would become like, the SOMEWHAT DIMINISHED CIRCLE OF SORROW, SOB, SOB, SOB!!! or something. It just would not work the same. It does not have the same sort of ring to it. Oh, and also, she would have the burden of defeating Scott the evil robot all on her lonesome. That would not be fun.
“Oh, well, good,” said Sian the half human, half robot, kind of lamely.
You just have to skateboard down the side.
“That really is not any better,” Andrew the Apple Eater said. “We still have to skateboard down something that is pretty much vertical. I do not like that idea.”
Sorry, Andrew the Apple Eater. You do not have any choice. I am the author. I get to decide what happens. Maybe next time, when you are the author, you will be able to think up an easier way to get across a canyon, or at least to eat up loads and loads of words. But I am the author, and I say that you all have to skateboard down the canyon.
“But I do not want to skateboard down the canyon!!!” Andrew the Apple Eater cried as he skateboarded down the canyon. No matter how stubborn he was, I am still the one typing the words. And so very much against his wishes, Andrew the Apple Eater skated down the side of the canyon and arrived safely at the bottom. This made him all the more angrier at the author, and he sat, arms crossed, in a huff, waiting for the rest of the NEW AND IMPROVED PENTAGON OF POWER, MUHAHAHA!!! to join him at the bottom of the canyon.
India, Lucy the Literate, Eleanor the Electric and Sian the half human, half robot followed Andrew the Apple Eater down the canyon, skating equally involuntarily. And even though they had all arrived safely at the bottom, they were not too happy about the way that they had arrived there. WELL, TOO BAD. IT IS TOO LATE NOW. And it could have been a whole lot worse. In fact, if it were not for the fact that they were the NEW AND IMPROVED PENTAGON OF POWER, MUHAHAHA!!! and the fact that there were five of them were integral to that name, I probably would have gone ahead and killed one of them. Yeah, that is right, I said it; I would have killed one of them. You might call me a heartless murderer. I just call myself a writer. It is the way it goes. Ha, quite Kurt Vonnegut now, innit? So it goes.
But, as it turns out, there must be five of them for the NEW AND IMPROVED PENTAGON OF POWER, MUHAHAHA!!! to work, and so each and every one of them all survived the skate down the canyon.
“Yeah, good work, Ms. A. L. Hallam,” Andrew the Apple Eater said, in a pretty ungrateful tone. How dare he speak sarcastically to me? How dare I LET him speak sarcastically to me? “Now that we are at the BOTTOM of the canyon,” Andrew the Apple Eater continued. “How are we meant to get back to the TOP? Had you thought of that one, too? Hmm? Or are we doomed to live out the rest of our miserable lives stranded at the bottom of this canyon? Hmm? What are we meant to do now?”
Oh, Andrew the Apple Eater, you silly eater of apples. You really must learn to use your eyes. Turn around.
All of the NEW AND IMPROVED PENTAGON OF POWER, MUHAHAHA!!! turned around, not just Andrew the Apple Eater. And there, where they all were looking, just so happened to be an escalator. An escalator that would take them all the way up to the top of the other side of the canyon. What do you have to say to that now, hmm, Andrew the Apple Eater? Hmm? Hmm?
“Oh. Well. Yeah. That would do it.”
So the NEW AND IMPROVED PENTAGON OF POWER, MUHAHAHA!!! all climbed onto the escalator and began their ascent of the canyon.
“But if you can just write for an escalator to be here to take us up this side of the canyon, why could you not have one going down? Or no canyon at all?”
Shut up, Andrew the Apple Eater. Just be glad that you get the escalator on this side, and not the other way around! Imagine! Taking the escalator down, and then trying to figure out a way back up, using a skateboard!
“The writer has a point,” Andrew the Apple Eater conceded.
Thankyou. Are we friends again, oh Andrew the Apple Eater, eater of apples?
“I guess. I do not really have a say in the matter. You are typing this whole conversation. You know, if you had not said that you were a writer, we would have all started to think you were a little schizophrenic.”
So anyway, the NEW AND IMPROVED PENTAGON OF POWER, MUHAHAHA!!! made their way to the top of the other side of the canyon, and the fourth wall was rebuilt, ready to be knocked down again another day.
The epic journey of the NEW AND IMPROVED PENTAGON OF POWER, MUHAHAHA!!! was almost at an end (but, obviously, not TOO close, because we have only just passed twenty six thousand words. And we need fifty thousand to win this National Novel Writing Month. Not all of those words belong to this story about the NEW AND IMPROVED PENTAGON OF POWER, MUHAHAHA!!!, because before this, there was once a serious novel planned to be written. And it had began; it had about fourteen thousand words. It was going well. But it was not going speedily. And November is not for “good”; November is for QUANTITY, not QUALITY. And thus, this story about the NEW AND IMPROVED PENTAGON OF POWER, MUHAHAHA!!! was flung forth onto the page you are now reading from. From which you are now reading. The story was flung forth onto the page from which you are now reading. Yes.
So the NEW AND IMPROVED PENTAGON OF POWER, MUHAHAHA!!! still had some way to go on their epic journey along the path of the Harmless and Light Forest of Kindness and Joy (by the way, that is like, the first time since the first time I wrote it that I have been able to remember the name of the Harmless and Light forest of Kindness and Joy, and typed it out myself, instead of copy and pasting it. Claps for me!!!) Um… where were we, again? Imagine some waiting music while I find my train of thought again. Do do do do do, do do do, do do do do, dododododo, dooo, dooo, do do do do do. Ten points if you can pick the tune I was thinking of (HA, GOOD LUCK WITH THAT; THERE WAS NO TUNE! JUST ME REPEATING THE SAME TWO LETTERS!!!). Maybe it will just be better if I start that paragraph again.
So the NEW AND IMPROVED PENTAGON OF POWER, MUHAHAHA!!! still had some way to go on their epic journey along the path of the Harmless and Light Forest of Kindness and Joy, but, to be honest, they kind of just wanted to go to their respective homes and have a nice big bubble bath. And a cup of tea. Mm. Tea. I might go boil the kettle once I have finished where I was going here. But, alas, the NEW AND IMPROVED PENTAGON OF POWER, MUHAHAHA!!! could not go to their respective homes and have neither bubble baths nor cups of tea, because they were on an epic journey through the Harmless and Light Forest of Kindness and Joy. So, you know, sucks to be them. Or something more encouraging to our protagonists.
Okay. So, updates in my own personal writing situation. That last paragraph? It was written in the study, on the proper computer (PC). And then I went to boil the kettle to make myself that pot of tea we were talking about. And there were ANTS IN MY TEAPOT. ANTS!!! I did not want a tea blended from the bodies of ants. I just wanted a pot of black tea. So I had to wash it, and get rid of all those smelly ants who wanted to ruin my tea drinking experience. And THEN a THUNDER STORM came a-brewing. And so I had to turn the proper computer off, and leave the company of teh internetz, and start up again on the laptop. Not even my own lappy (who knows when I will be getting it back?), but my daddy’s laptop. And I am sitting with it, in my bedroom, listening to the rain bucket down, accompanied by the charming tones of Megan Washington (on my iPod. Not live. That would be weird.). So there we are. I think that brings you up to date. Here’s to hoping I do not become flooded before I reach fifty thousand words. Now! Back to the story!
I lost my train of thought again. I am not doing so well today. Ah. The NEW AND IMPROVED PENTAGON OF POWER, MUHAHAHA!!! were wishing that they had never embarked upon their epic journey, because they were beginning to miss their little home comforts like tea, and bubble baths, and basic hygiene. If only it were not for the fact that they had set out to defeat an evil robot, and had actually signed a contract, they probably would have turned around and gone home then and there. Except for the part where they were now closer to the other side of the Harmless and Light Forest of Kindness and Joy than they were to home, and if they were to turn around now, they would just have to face all the same oddities which they had already faced on their way there.
So they kept on walking. Or more like dragging their feet along, barely lifting them from the ground, so I am not so sure that it can be counted as “walking”. It was kind of like ice skating, if only they had been wearing skates, or been travelling across ice. Speaking of skating…
“Oh my, how are we
Going to cross that canyon,
Without getting dead?” Lucy the Literate asked, her poetic voice filled with worry. Because they had suddenly come across a giant canyon. Like, even bigger than the giant swamp made of creamed corn. Which had been pretty giant. And they had no idea of any way to cross it. UNTIL…
“Are those… are those SKATEBOARDS?” Eleanor the Electric asked, pointing to a pile of five skateboards. Five of them! Who would have thought? What were the chances of that? Five members of the NEW AND IMPROVED PENTAGON OF POWER, MUHAHAHA!!! and five skateboards! One for each of them! Amazing! What luck! Well, maybe it was not LUCK, as such, because well, if it had been LUCK, there would not have been a canyon to cross at all. Just rainbows and butterflies and cups of tea and bubble baths. But in the circumstances, the existence of a skateboard each for the five members of the NEW AND IMPROVED PENTAGON OF POWER, MUHAHAHA!!! was lucky.
“Wait, wait a moment, are you serious?” India asked me. Wait, is that right? Can someone check that? She was asking ME? The author? Is she allowed to do that? According to the need for lots and lots and lots and loyts - no, not loyts, LOTS! - and lots and lots of words, she can. Huh. Well there we go. Sorry, India; continue. “You want us to SKATEBOARD over a canyon? What is this, The Simpsons? We all know that skateboarding over Springfield Gorge did not work out well for them… and they were cartoons! They only had two dimensions to worry about! Look at me! I have three dimensions that are able to be hurt from skateboarding over a canyon. Even if I do have eternal health! Oh wait… I have eternal health. I have nothing to worry about. Um, someone else carry on this argument, if you do not want to get hurt, or something.
Sian the half human, half robot stepped up to the plate. The proverbial plate. In actuality, she just stood where she had been standing previously. “Skateboard across a canyon? What were you thinking? Are you serious?”
One, it was Charlotte’s idea. Blame her.
Two, you do not have to skateboard across it! Do not be ridiculous! That would be madness! Are you kidding? You guys could be killed! Except for India, who has eternal health and wealth. She might just get a few scratches, or something. Oh, and the grief of losing the rest of the members of the NEW AND IMPROVED PENTAGON OF POWER, MUHAHAHA!!!. It would become like, the SOMEWHAT DIMINISHED CIRCLE OF SORROW, SOB, SOB, SOB!!! or something. It just would not work the same. It does not have the same sort of ring to it. Oh, and also, she would have the burden of defeating Scott the evil robot all on her lonesome. That would not be fun.
“Oh, well, good,” said Sian the half human, half robot, kind of lamely.
You just have to skateboard down the side.
“That really is not any better,” Andrew the Apple Eater said. “We still have to skateboard down something that is pretty much vertical. I do not like that idea.”
Sorry, Andrew the Apple Eater. You do not have any choice. I am the author. I get to decide what happens. Maybe next time, when you are the author, you will be able to think up an easier way to get across a canyon, or at least to eat up loads and loads of words. But I am the author, and I say that you all have to skateboard down the canyon.
“But I do not want to skateboard down the canyon!!!” Andrew the Apple Eater cried as he skateboarded down the canyon. No matter how stubborn he was, I am still the one typing the words. And so very much against his wishes, Andrew the Apple Eater skated down the side of the canyon and arrived safely at the bottom. This made him all the more angrier at the author, and he sat, arms crossed, in a huff, waiting for the rest of the NEW AND IMPROVED PENTAGON OF POWER, MUHAHAHA!!! to join him at the bottom of the canyon.
India, Lucy the Literate, Eleanor the Electric and Sian the half human, half robot followed Andrew the Apple Eater down the canyon, skating equally involuntarily. And even though they had all arrived safely at the bottom, they were not too happy about the way that they had arrived there. WELL, TOO BAD. IT IS TOO LATE NOW. And it could have been a whole lot worse. In fact, if it were not for the fact that they were the NEW AND IMPROVED PENTAGON OF POWER, MUHAHAHA!!! and the fact that there were five of them were integral to that name, I probably would have gone ahead and killed one of them. Yeah, that is right, I said it; I would have killed one of them. You might call me a heartless murderer. I just call myself a writer. It is the way it goes. Ha, quite Kurt Vonnegut now, innit? So it goes.
But, as it turns out, there must be five of them for the NEW AND IMPROVED PENTAGON OF POWER, MUHAHAHA!!! to work, and so each and every one of them all survived the skate down the canyon.
“Yeah, good work, Ms. A. L. Hallam,” Andrew the Apple Eater said, in a pretty ungrateful tone. How dare he speak sarcastically to me? How dare I LET him speak sarcastically to me? “Now that we are at the BOTTOM of the canyon,” Andrew the Apple Eater continued. “How are we meant to get back to the TOP? Had you thought of that one, too? Hmm? Or are we doomed to live out the rest of our miserable lives stranded at the bottom of this canyon? Hmm? What are we meant to do now?”
Oh, Andrew the Apple Eater, you silly eater of apples. You really must learn to use your eyes. Turn around.
All of the NEW AND IMPROVED PENTAGON OF POWER, MUHAHAHA!!! turned around, not just Andrew the Apple Eater. And there, where they all were looking, just so happened to be an escalator. An escalator that would take them all the way up to the top of the other side of the canyon. What do you have to say to that now, hmm, Andrew the Apple Eater? Hmm? Hmm?
“Oh. Well. Yeah. That would do it.”
So the NEW AND IMPROVED PENTAGON OF POWER, MUHAHAHA!!! all climbed onto the escalator and began their ascent of the canyon.
“But if you can just write for an escalator to be here to take us up this side of the canyon, why could you not have one going down? Or no canyon at all?”
Shut up, Andrew the Apple Eater. Just be glad that you get the escalator on this side, and not the other way around! Imagine! Taking the escalator down, and then trying to figure out a way back up, using a skateboard!
“The writer has a point,” Andrew the Apple Eater conceded.
Thankyou. Are we friends again, oh Andrew the Apple Eater, eater of apples?
“I guess. I do not really have a say in the matter. You are typing this whole conversation. You know, if you had not said that you were a writer, we would have all started to think you were a little schizophrenic.”
So anyway, the NEW AND IMPROVED PENTAGON OF POWER, MUHAHAHA!!! made their way to the top of the other side of the canyon, and the fourth wall was rebuilt, ready to be knocked down again another day.