Chapter Twelve
CHAPTER WATERMELON: IN WHICH THE NEW AND IMPROVED PENTAGON OF POWER, MUHAHAHA!!! FINALLY ARE ABLE TO LEAVE THE HARMLESS AND LIGHT FOREST OF KINDNESS AND JOY!!!
“Is that true?” India asked.
Is what true?
“Is it true that we, the NEW AND IMPROVED PENTAGON OF POWER, MUHAHAHA!!! are finally going to be able to leave the Harmless and Light Forest of Kindness and Joy?” India asked.
Sure, I shrugged. Why not? Had to happen some time.
The NEW AND IMPROVED PENTAGON OF POWER, MUHAHAHA!!! were overjoyed. They had been in the Harmless and Light Forest of Kindness and Joy for so long, and, despite the fact that they were going to have to defeat Scott the evil robot once they got out, leaving the Harmless and Light Forest of Kindness and Joy was going to be pretty much fantasticalness. I was not expecting “fantasticalness” to be a real word… but apparently it is… I guess it makes sense… like, the noun associated with “fantastical”… but still! I was not expecting it!
There is a GIANT MOSQUITO in my room right now. And it keeps landing on the wall next to my bed. And so I keep reaching over to squish it with a tissue, or else it is only going to keep me awake all night, but it keeps FLYING AWAY from me. NOT COOL, GIANT MOSQUITO, NOT COOL.
I guess it would be saying the same about me, just because it wants something to drink, and here I happen to be, full of blood I could not possibly use all of. Of which I could not possibly use. Yes. Full of blood, all of which I could not possibly use. And I want to SQUISH HIM? In a TISSUE? What is this? I do not get that when I go to the supermarket to get some lunch! Oh, poor mosquito!
Ha, who am I kidding? I have no sympathy for the mosquito. I hate, detest, loath, abhor, et cetera, mosquitoes. They are always in my bedroom, buzzing in my little ears when I want to sleep, and I swear that I am the only person I know who has been bitten on the eyelid by a mosquito. Numerous times.
I always get mosquito bites. I am one of those people at the barbecue who will complain the whole time about her mosquito bites. And then go look for ice to put on the bites. And then sit inside and complain.
I heard a theory, a few months back, about mosquitoes, actually. They think that people who claim to be one of those previously mentioned mosquito bitten people actually do not attract mosquitoes more than any one else, or are bitten any more else; it is just that they react more severely to the bites. I do not remember, though, however, if the theory had any scientific evidence behind it, or not. But I would believe it.
I think I have a mild allergy to mosquitoes. A single bite can make the effected area go red and blotchy and itchy; not just the site of the bite. Like, my whole arm can become itchy from one bite. Not fun. Hence the sitting inside with ice, whinging.
Anyway, where were we? Ah. The NEW AND IMPROVED PENTAGON OF POWER, MUHAHAHA!!! were about to leave the Harmless and Light Forest of Kindness and Joy. They could see the light at the end of the tunnel. Or, well, the light at the end of the path. Excitement ran like electricity through the group. Everyone turned to stare at Eleanor the Electric, who then proceeded to try to keep her excitement under control, so as to not electrocute the rest of the members of the NEW AND IMPROVED PENTAGON OF POWER, MUHAHAHA!!! But still; they were all pretty gosh darned excited to be leaving.
“You know what?” India said to the rest of the NEW AND IMPROVED PENTAGON OF POWER, MUHAHAHA!!! when they were about ten minutes from the edge of the Harmless and Light Forest of Kindness and Joy. “As strange as it sounds, I think I am going to miss this place. We have had some good times in here.” She looked fondly around at the trees, which were overgrown and scary looking.
“Yeah, I know what you
Mean. It has begun to grow
On me. I’ll miss it,” and Lucy the Literate, too, smiled into the depths of the Harmless and Light Forest of Kindness and Joy, smiling unknowingly at several beastie monsters, who looked back at her like they wanted to eat her, just a little bit. Or maybe a little bit of a lot. They were monsters, after all, and not particularly fussy ones, at that.
Andrew the Apple Eater also looked around the Harmless and Light Forest of Kindness and Joy nostalgically and nodded. “It will be strange to go back to life as we knew it before we came in here. It has been a whole n’other life in here. I mean, I know that we have been training for six years for this but… but the Harmless and Light Forest of Kindness and Joy has been completely different to anything I could have ever imagined, you know?”
“I sure know what you mean, Andrew the Apple Eater,” Eleanor the Electric said. “We have all come so far in here! And I do not just mean the kilometres, though they have been many! India, you have realised what your Super Sweet Mad Skillz have been; Twister and interpretive dance!!! Lucy the Literate, you were able save us all from being enslaved by giant bees, because you could spell big words!!! Andrew the Apple Eater, you applied your Super Sweet Mad Skillz to something new, and saved us all from the horrible creamed corn swamp. And Sian the half human, half robot, um, you were not here when we first started. But we met you, and you are pretty cool. You play Solitaire pretty epically, and we all know that is what counts to make it in the world. Solitaire Skillz. Anyone with Solitaire Skillz must be pretty awesome,”
Thankyou.
“Did I do anything special?” Eleanor the Electric asked. “I was meant to. But we just did so many things in this gosh darned Harmless and Light Forest of Kindness and Joy, I am just not able to remember!!! If nothing else, I did a pretty sweet recap for us all, right here. Oh! Of course! I remember now! I raced our friend the giant polar bear. Yeah. I remember that. Never will I forget old whatsisname.”
Everyone looked to Sian the half human, half robot, expecting her to say something sentimental, but she was just staring a little way ahead of where they currently were. “Um, guys,” Sian the half human, half robot said. “Is that Scott the evil robot?”
“Huh,” said India. “So it is. I guess we have to go save the world then.” The enormity of their situation only just sank in to India.
“Um, guys,” Sian the half human, half robot said. “I think we have a problem.”
“What is the problem?” Andrew the Apple Eater asked Sian the half human, half robot. “What is wrong?”
“I, I, I know him,” Sian the half human, half robot stuttered. “I did not think that Scott the evil robot could be…” She trailed off.
“Could be what?” Eleanor the Electric asked,
“Could be… I KNOW him…” Sian the half human, half robot said.
“Yeah, so what? I knew him, too,” India said.
“Yeah, but were you ever IN LOVE WITH HIM???”
Sian did not put as much emphasis on her words as I did for her. I just thought it would make it a little bit more exciting, a little bit more soap opera. EUREUREUR, SCANDAL. Is that what they said on The Weekly Jam? Ah, no, I remember. It was more like, EUREUREUR, CONTOVERSY. Yeah, that was an alright podcast. Yeah; controversy, not scandal. But in this situation, SIAN THE HALF HUMAN, HALF ROBOT, HAVING BEEN IN LOVE WITH THE ANTAGONIST OF OUR GREAT STORY, I think “scandal” is more fitting than “controversy”. And it is with this sense of scandal that we leave Chapter Watermelon; a rather shorter chapter by comparison, and move on to the next.
“Is that true?” India asked.
Is what true?
“Is it true that we, the NEW AND IMPROVED PENTAGON OF POWER, MUHAHAHA!!! are finally going to be able to leave the Harmless and Light Forest of Kindness and Joy?” India asked.
Sure, I shrugged. Why not? Had to happen some time.
The NEW AND IMPROVED PENTAGON OF POWER, MUHAHAHA!!! were overjoyed. They had been in the Harmless and Light Forest of Kindness and Joy for so long, and, despite the fact that they were going to have to defeat Scott the evil robot once they got out, leaving the Harmless and Light Forest of Kindness and Joy was going to be pretty much fantasticalness. I was not expecting “fantasticalness” to be a real word… but apparently it is… I guess it makes sense… like, the noun associated with “fantastical”… but still! I was not expecting it!
There is a GIANT MOSQUITO in my room right now. And it keeps landing on the wall next to my bed. And so I keep reaching over to squish it with a tissue, or else it is only going to keep me awake all night, but it keeps FLYING AWAY from me. NOT COOL, GIANT MOSQUITO, NOT COOL.
I guess it would be saying the same about me, just because it wants something to drink, and here I happen to be, full of blood I could not possibly use all of. Of which I could not possibly use. Yes. Full of blood, all of which I could not possibly use. And I want to SQUISH HIM? In a TISSUE? What is this? I do not get that when I go to the supermarket to get some lunch! Oh, poor mosquito!
Ha, who am I kidding? I have no sympathy for the mosquito. I hate, detest, loath, abhor, et cetera, mosquitoes. They are always in my bedroom, buzzing in my little ears when I want to sleep, and I swear that I am the only person I know who has been bitten on the eyelid by a mosquito. Numerous times.
I always get mosquito bites. I am one of those people at the barbecue who will complain the whole time about her mosquito bites. And then go look for ice to put on the bites. And then sit inside and complain.
I heard a theory, a few months back, about mosquitoes, actually. They think that people who claim to be one of those previously mentioned mosquito bitten people actually do not attract mosquitoes more than any one else, or are bitten any more else; it is just that they react more severely to the bites. I do not remember, though, however, if the theory had any scientific evidence behind it, or not. But I would believe it.
I think I have a mild allergy to mosquitoes. A single bite can make the effected area go red and blotchy and itchy; not just the site of the bite. Like, my whole arm can become itchy from one bite. Not fun. Hence the sitting inside with ice, whinging.
Anyway, where were we? Ah. The NEW AND IMPROVED PENTAGON OF POWER, MUHAHAHA!!! were about to leave the Harmless and Light Forest of Kindness and Joy. They could see the light at the end of the tunnel. Or, well, the light at the end of the path. Excitement ran like electricity through the group. Everyone turned to stare at Eleanor the Electric, who then proceeded to try to keep her excitement under control, so as to not electrocute the rest of the members of the NEW AND IMPROVED PENTAGON OF POWER, MUHAHAHA!!! But still; they were all pretty gosh darned excited to be leaving.
“You know what?” India said to the rest of the NEW AND IMPROVED PENTAGON OF POWER, MUHAHAHA!!! when they were about ten minutes from the edge of the Harmless and Light Forest of Kindness and Joy. “As strange as it sounds, I think I am going to miss this place. We have had some good times in here.” She looked fondly around at the trees, which were overgrown and scary looking.
“Yeah, I know what you
Mean. It has begun to grow
On me. I’ll miss it,” and Lucy the Literate, too, smiled into the depths of the Harmless and Light Forest of Kindness and Joy, smiling unknowingly at several beastie monsters, who looked back at her like they wanted to eat her, just a little bit. Or maybe a little bit of a lot. They were monsters, after all, and not particularly fussy ones, at that.
Andrew the Apple Eater also looked around the Harmless and Light Forest of Kindness and Joy nostalgically and nodded. “It will be strange to go back to life as we knew it before we came in here. It has been a whole n’other life in here. I mean, I know that we have been training for six years for this but… but the Harmless and Light Forest of Kindness and Joy has been completely different to anything I could have ever imagined, you know?”
“I sure know what you mean, Andrew the Apple Eater,” Eleanor the Electric said. “We have all come so far in here! And I do not just mean the kilometres, though they have been many! India, you have realised what your Super Sweet Mad Skillz have been; Twister and interpretive dance!!! Lucy the Literate, you were able save us all from being enslaved by giant bees, because you could spell big words!!! Andrew the Apple Eater, you applied your Super Sweet Mad Skillz to something new, and saved us all from the horrible creamed corn swamp. And Sian the half human, half robot, um, you were not here when we first started. But we met you, and you are pretty cool. You play Solitaire pretty epically, and we all know that is what counts to make it in the world. Solitaire Skillz. Anyone with Solitaire Skillz must be pretty awesome,”
Thankyou.
“Did I do anything special?” Eleanor the Electric asked. “I was meant to. But we just did so many things in this gosh darned Harmless and Light Forest of Kindness and Joy, I am just not able to remember!!! If nothing else, I did a pretty sweet recap for us all, right here. Oh! Of course! I remember now! I raced our friend the giant polar bear. Yeah. I remember that. Never will I forget old whatsisname.”
Everyone looked to Sian the half human, half robot, expecting her to say something sentimental, but she was just staring a little way ahead of where they currently were. “Um, guys,” Sian the half human, half robot said. “Is that Scott the evil robot?”
“Huh,” said India. “So it is. I guess we have to go save the world then.” The enormity of their situation only just sank in to India.
“Um, guys,” Sian the half human, half robot said. “I think we have a problem.”
“What is the problem?” Andrew the Apple Eater asked Sian the half human, half robot. “What is wrong?”
“I, I, I know him,” Sian the half human, half robot stuttered. “I did not think that Scott the evil robot could be…” She trailed off.
“Could be what?” Eleanor the Electric asked,
“Could be… I KNOW him…” Sian the half human, half robot said.
“Yeah, so what? I knew him, too,” India said.
“Yeah, but were you ever IN LOVE WITH HIM???”
Sian did not put as much emphasis on her words as I did for her. I just thought it would make it a little bit more exciting, a little bit more soap opera. EUREUREUR, SCANDAL. Is that what they said on The Weekly Jam? Ah, no, I remember. It was more like, EUREUREUR, CONTOVERSY. Yeah, that was an alright podcast. Yeah; controversy, not scandal. But in this situation, SIAN THE HALF HUMAN, HALF ROBOT, HAVING BEEN IN LOVE WITH THE ANTAGONIST OF OUR GREAT STORY, I think “scandal” is more fitting than “controversy”. And it is with this sense of scandal that we leave Chapter Watermelon; a rather shorter chapter by comparison, and move on to the next.