FIC: Bills To Pay [MCU, Loki x Jane x Thor]
Title: Bills To Pay
Author: Omnicat
Unofficially Adapted From: Kenneth Branagh & co’s Thor, Joss Whedon & co’s The Avengers, and Alan Taylor & co’s Thor: The Dark World.
Spoilers & Desirable Foreknowledge: All of the above, though nothing specific.
Warnings: Entirely non-explicit sex and frank talk of sex.
Characters & Pairings: Loki x Jane x Thor
Summary: Note to self: alien royals make for bad house guests. // happy clappy post-TDW AU. No spoilers.
Author’s Note: Set in the 'verse created in The Worst Laid Plans, which, unlike this fic, has ALL THE SPOILERS. No knowledge of that one is needed to enjoy this one, but of course I encourage you to read both when you can. :P Enjoy!
Bills To Pay
Jane banged her fist on the bathroom door. “Are you done yet?”
“Only slightly more than the last time you asked,” was Loki’s muffled answer.
“Please remember that this is not a palace and there isn’t a bathroom for every single occupant that they can hog all day long without inconveniencing anyone.”
“It takes work to look this good. Especially when the personal care products on this realm are so woefully inadequate.”
Jane banged her head on bathroom door. “At least give me my toothbrush. I’ll brush my teeth in the kitchen.”
Loki opened the door the tiniest crack and stuck her blue toothbrush and a tube of toothpaste through it.
“Thank you ever so much, your highness,” she muttered, snatching them up and turning on her heel. On the way to the kitchen, she glowered at the trail of scorched pits in her hardwood floor from that time Thor came back dripping Nornish demonic ichor. A perfectly harmless substance - for him. “Someone remind me of this next time I’m tempted to let space royalty move in with me.”
A while later - Jane pointedly refused to keep track of how much later - Loki finally emerged from the bathroom, smiling and relaxed and looking like a male model.
She handed him a mug of hot chocolate and waited until he had downed half of it, sighed in blissful satisfaction and pressed a kiss to the top of her head to say: “Look, I’m not gonna be one of those people who claim the woman should spend more time grooming than the man, because that’s a stupid stereotype, but this is getting out of hand. For one thing, you showering for an hour twice a day is hell on my water bills.”
“I repay you with, among other things, the best cunnilingus this side of Yggdrasil,” Loki countered with not a trace of humility.
Jane smiled wryly. “Sex with me doesn’t pay the bills.”
“And by looking absolutely ravishing for your enjoyment.”
“You’d look ravishing in a gunny sack.” Which affected her judgement in ways the rational, top-of-the-evolutionary-ladder part of Jane’s brain thought were completely unfair of her underlying lizard brain, but he didn’t need to hear that.
“Yes, but not with wild, unwashed hair. I am aware of my complexion and the ease with which it makes me look like a ghoul. We wouldn’t want that, now would we?”
“Now you’re being too hard on yourself.”
“Thank you, but I’m really not. Remind me to show you a ghoul some time. I blame fully half of all my villainous deeds on the lack of proper hair care opportunities I had in those years.”
Jane raised an eyebrow. “And now that you can, you have to spend so much time in the bathroom... why?”
“It’s therapeutic,” he said with a shrug. Jane made a face, so he added laughingly: “For me, at least. Come here, woman, I know just what to do about your stress.”
He kissed her, scooped her up with one arm, carried her over to the dining table, swept its contents away with his other arm (Jane cringe instinctively, but he’d done this before; everything floated gently to the floor), and laid her out on the tabletop. When he made to pull her pyjama pants down, Jane stopped him.
“I haven’t washed up yet. Someone was hogging the bathroom.”
Loki opened his mouth.
“No sex until I feel clean.”
He threw up his hands in defeat. Jane hopped off the table, went through her bathroom routine in five minutes flat, and hopped back on. “See, that’s how you do it.”
Loki rolled his eyes, fondly muttered “Some people,” and pried off her jeans.
Some time later, the phone rang. Jane looked around for it, but could not spot it anywhere in her upside-down field of vision. When she propped herself up on her elbows, Loki tightened his hold on her hips, made a negligent gesture, and the phone came flying into her outstretched hand.
“I love magic,” Jane said, with a passionate awe usually reserved for the arrival of Hogwarts letters.
Still not having raised his head, Loki hummed something.
“And of course I love the magician too.” She checked the caller ID and put the phone to her ear with a smile. “Hi, Thor.”
“Good morning, Jane!” Thor shouted. There was some serious background noise coming from his end. “Is Loki in?”
“Yeah, but he’s got his mouth full so he can’t really talk right now,” Jane said, voice slightly unsteady. “What’s up?”
“A dragon has appeared in Cairngorms National Park. A most curious thing, because to the best of my knowledge this species is native only to Vanaheim. I was wondering if the two of you would like to come help vanquish the beast and find out how it got here.”
“Oh. Um.” God, why did science and her biological needs have to clash so much. Loki shook his head and raised his hand to vehemently gesture no. Oooh. Aha. “Well Loki’s kind of in the middle of something, and I’m... uh... ah, ahhh.”
Even at the top of his voice, Thor sounded amused. “By ‘in the middle of something’ I assume you mean your thighs?”
Jane moaned loudly.
“Well, I suppose if you’re having your own fun already,” Thor laughed.
“Understatement of the century,” Jane said breathlessly.
“Save some of that enthusiasm for me.”
“Oh, I will.”
“I’m hanging up now. I’m about to be set on fire.”
“Save some of that enthusiasm for me.”
“Oh, I will.”
Jane Foster: discovered wormhole travel, proved the existence of aliens, helped save the universe, taught two Norse gods to share, and received a lifetime supply of divine sex in return. She was gonna have that put on her gravestone.
“Don’t stop, but - did you import a dragon?” Jane asked Loki after hanging up.
He nodded.
“Let me guess, Thor was bored and moaning about - oh, yeah, like that - the good old slaying days on Dragongard...”
For the first time in a quarter of an hour, Loki lifted his mouth from her crotch. “There’s no such place. But yes, he was bored, and he’s dreadful when he’s bored.”
“You’re such a thoughtful brother.”
“Don’t forget a humanitarian.”
“You’re... making progress, at any rate. Now get back down there. You’ve got bills to pay.”
Author: Omnicat
Unofficially Adapted From: Kenneth Branagh & co’s Thor, Joss Whedon & co’s The Avengers, and Alan Taylor & co’s Thor: The Dark World.
Spoilers & Desirable Foreknowledge: All of the above, though nothing specific.
Warnings: Entirely non-explicit sex and frank talk of sex.
Characters & Pairings: Loki x Jane x Thor
Summary: Note to self: alien royals make for bad house guests. // happy clappy post-TDW AU. No spoilers.
Author’s Note: Set in the 'verse created in The Worst Laid Plans, which, unlike this fic, has ALL THE SPOILERS. No knowledge of that one is needed to enjoy this one, but of course I encourage you to read both when you can. :P Enjoy!
Bills To Pay
Jane banged her fist on the bathroom door. “Are you done yet?”
“Only slightly more than the last time you asked,” was Loki’s muffled answer.
“Please remember that this is not a palace and there isn’t a bathroom for every single occupant that they can hog all day long without inconveniencing anyone.”
“It takes work to look this good. Especially when the personal care products on this realm are so woefully inadequate.”
Jane banged her head on bathroom door. “At least give me my toothbrush. I’ll brush my teeth in the kitchen.”
Loki opened the door the tiniest crack and stuck her blue toothbrush and a tube of toothpaste through it.
“Thank you ever so much, your highness,” she muttered, snatching them up and turning on her heel. On the way to the kitchen, she glowered at the trail of scorched pits in her hardwood floor from that time Thor came back dripping Nornish demonic ichor. A perfectly harmless substance - for him. “Someone remind me of this next time I’m tempted to let space royalty move in with me.”
A while later - Jane pointedly refused to keep track of how much later - Loki finally emerged from the bathroom, smiling and relaxed and looking like a male model.
She handed him a mug of hot chocolate and waited until he had downed half of it, sighed in blissful satisfaction and pressed a kiss to the top of her head to say: “Look, I’m not gonna be one of those people who claim the woman should spend more time grooming than the man, because that’s a stupid stereotype, but this is getting out of hand. For one thing, you showering for an hour twice a day is hell on my water bills.”
“I repay you with, among other things, the best cunnilingus this side of Yggdrasil,” Loki countered with not a trace of humility.
Jane smiled wryly. “Sex with me doesn’t pay the bills.”
“And by looking absolutely ravishing for your enjoyment.”
“You’d look ravishing in a gunny sack.” Which affected her judgement in ways the rational, top-of-the-evolutionary-ladder part of Jane’s brain thought were completely unfair of her underlying lizard brain, but he didn’t need to hear that.
“Yes, but not with wild, unwashed hair. I am aware of my complexion and the ease with which it makes me look like a ghoul. We wouldn’t want that, now would we?”
“Now you’re being too hard on yourself.”
“Thank you, but I’m really not. Remind me to show you a ghoul some time. I blame fully half of all my villainous deeds on the lack of proper hair care opportunities I had in those years.”
Jane raised an eyebrow. “And now that you can, you have to spend so much time in the bathroom... why?”
“It’s therapeutic,” he said with a shrug. Jane made a face, so he added laughingly: “For me, at least. Come here, woman, I know just what to do about your stress.”
He kissed her, scooped her up with one arm, carried her over to the dining table, swept its contents away with his other arm (Jane cringe instinctively, but he’d done this before; everything floated gently to the floor), and laid her out on the tabletop. When he made to pull her pyjama pants down, Jane stopped him.
“I haven’t washed up yet. Someone was hogging the bathroom.”
Loki opened his mouth.
“No sex until I feel clean.”
He threw up his hands in defeat. Jane hopped off the table, went through her bathroom routine in five minutes flat, and hopped back on. “See, that’s how you do it.”
Loki rolled his eyes, fondly muttered “Some people,” and pried off her jeans.
Some time later, the phone rang. Jane looked around for it, but could not spot it anywhere in her upside-down field of vision. When she propped herself up on her elbows, Loki tightened his hold on her hips, made a negligent gesture, and the phone came flying into her outstretched hand.
“I love magic,” Jane said, with a passionate awe usually reserved for the arrival of Hogwarts letters.
Still not having raised his head, Loki hummed something.
“And of course I love the magician too.” She checked the caller ID and put the phone to her ear with a smile. “Hi, Thor.”
“Good morning, Jane!” Thor shouted. There was some serious background noise coming from his end. “Is Loki in?”
“Yeah, but he’s got his mouth full so he can’t really talk right now,” Jane said, voice slightly unsteady. “What’s up?”
“A dragon has appeared in Cairngorms National Park. A most curious thing, because to the best of my knowledge this species is native only to Vanaheim. I was wondering if the two of you would like to come help vanquish the beast and find out how it got here.”
“Oh. Um.” God, why did science and her biological needs have to clash so much. Loki shook his head and raised his hand to vehemently gesture no. Oooh. Aha. “Well Loki’s kind of in the middle of something, and I’m... uh... ah, ahhh.”
Even at the top of his voice, Thor sounded amused. “By ‘in the middle of something’ I assume you mean your thighs?”
Jane moaned loudly.
“Well, I suppose if you’re having your own fun already,” Thor laughed.
“Understatement of the century,” Jane said breathlessly.
“Save some of that enthusiasm for me.”
“Oh, I will.”
“I’m hanging up now. I’m about to be set on fire.”
“Save some of that enthusiasm for me.”
“Oh, I will.”
Jane Foster: discovered wormhole travel, proved the existence of aliens, helped save the universe, taught two Norse gods to share, and received a lifetime supply of divine sex in return. She was gonna have that put on her gravestone.
“Don’t stop, but - did you import a dragon?” Jane asked Loki after hanging up.
He nodded.
“Let me guess, Thor was bored and moaning about - oh, yeah, like that - the good old slaying days on Dragongard...”
For the first time in a quarter of an hour, Loki lifted his mouth from her crotch. “There’s no such place. But yes, he was bored, and he’s dreadful when he’s bored.”
“You’re such a thoughtful brother.”
“Don’t forget a humanitarian.”
“You’re... making progress, at any rate. Now get back down there. You’ve got bills to pay.”