Rant #237c : Re "Why do you care what other people think?"
Yesterday I was disappointed to hear the question come out of the mouth of a professional neuropsychologist in casual conversation. It was framed as "Wouldn't it be lovely if you could stop caring what other people think of you?" I'm afraid I was not very diplomatic in my response.
I told her that I will never be rich or charismatic enough to have the privilege of not having to give a damn what other people think of me. She appeared startled and asked me why not, then changed tack to asking what that had to do with it.
So, not bothering to contain my eyeroll to the inner version, I gave her my prefab response to the standard version of the question: I have to care what other people think of me, because people make decisions about my life based on their opinion of me.
She blinked, said she understood, but reiterated her point as though I had not spoken. A bit ticked off at this point, I asked her "how would it impact you if I went from here and told everyone who would listen, or everyone you know, that you are really horrible at your job?" She smiled serenely and said that she would not care. She seemed to feel that she was proving her point, not noticing that I had slipped a knife between the ribs of her argument until I twisted the blade: "Yeah. That's because I'm low status and credibility. What if it was someone more powerful or important than you? What if I were an influential professional in your field? Your employer? Your publisher? Even if I was just your well respected peer?"
Silence. I could hear the metaphorical penny tumbling as it fell, but I was too cranky to let it land and roll quietly under the desk. I pointed out that for many classes of vulnerable people, almost everyone is a social peer or superior.
The people who ask 'why do you care what other people think' seem to imagine that it's about a frivolous vanity; a vague, wistful wish for love or popularity. Screw that. There are really, really, obvious, simple pragmatic reasons to want people to think well of one.
Personally, I want people to think well of me not just because I happen to like some of them. I want someone to give me a reference when I apply for my dream/any job. I want the option of having my kids stay with relatives so I can do things which their presence would preclude. I want an appropriate degree of credibility and respect. And I want my kids to be invited to their classmates birthday parties. That's why I care what other people think of me, dammit.
I pointed out that genuinely not caring is sociopathic, and suggested that not having to care is a luxury for genuinely independent people who are confident that they will never need anything from anyone ever.
She ceded the point, but contradicted herself somewhat by going on to say something to the effect that acting vulnerable creates a circular pattern: Behaving as though you care what other people think lowers their opinion of you, weakening your position and making you more dependent on their approval.
I still don't see much merit in that argument. I mean, she's right in some scenarios where there are no practical ramifications for invoking disapproval, but the alternative to behaving in ways that people/organisations of influence approve of commonly risks (or outright has) consequences that are so much worse than the hoop-jumping and forelock tugging.
I thoroughly agree that it would be lovely to be able to say to all the people and organisations I have to maintain a functional relationship with that I plan to do things my (perfectly sensible and ethical) way regardless of their displeasing *finger quotes* "rules" and "morals".
Unfortunately, I can't do that.
It's nice to think that people who are vulnerable are just being silly, and could magically not be vulnerable if only they could overcome their unnecessary and inexplicable need to behave as though they are vulnerable.
Like it's nice to think that wearing bathers in the snow to pretend you are not cold protects you from getting hypothermia, not limping resolves the four inch difference in length between your left and right leg, and that imagining that you are eating food, glorious food, will stave off malnutrition, ...and that the people who point out your nakedness are in reality too flawed to see that you are wearing the very most exquisite raiments ever tailored.
I'm not sure whether there is something I am missing that makes sense of their arguments, these people who want me not to care what other people think, and who want me to act as though I am 100% self sufficient. If there is, I'm not seeing it.
The circularity I see is here, in their argument: to stop being vulnerable, stop acting as if you are vulnerable.
I'd like to send a memo to counselors and psychs of all stripes: Please check your privilege and examine what the function of existing behaviours might be before dismissing them as pure self-sabotage. It's ignorant, really bloody offensive and actively harmful, even if only to your credibility.
This entry crossposted from http://tangent-woman.dreamwidth.org/543831.html with
comments. Please comment there if you feel inclined. You too can have a Dreamwidth blog. Ask me how!
I told her that I will never be rich or charismatic enough to have the privilege of not having to give a damn what other people think of me. She appeared startled and asked me why not, then changed tack to asking what that had to do with it.
So, not bothering to contain my eyeroll to the inner version, I gave her my prefab response to the standard version of the question: I have to care what other people think of me, because people make decisions about my life based on their opinion of me.
She blinked, said she understood, but reiterated her point as though I had not spoken. A bit ticked off at this point, I asked her "how would it impact you if I went from here and told everyone who would listen, or everyone you know, that you are really horrible at your job?" She smiled serenely and said that she would not care. She seemed to feel that she was proving her point, not noticing that I had slipped a knife between the ribs of her argument until I twisted the blade: "Yeah. That's because I'm low status and credibility. What if it was someone more powerful or important than you? What if I were an influential professional in your field? Your employer? Your publisher? Even if I was just your well respected peer?"
Silence. I could hear the metaphorical penny tumbling as it fell, but I was too cranky to let it land and roll quietly under the desk. I pointed out that for many classes of vulnerable people, almost everyone is a social peer or superior.
The people who ask 'why do you care what other people think' seem to imagine that it's about a frivolous vanity; a vague, wistful wish for love or popularity. Screw that. There are really, really, obvious, simple pragmatic reasons to want people to think well of one.
Personally, I want people to think well of me not just because I happen to like some of them. I want someone to give me a reference when I apply for my dream/any job. I want the option of having my kids stay with relatives so I can do things which their presence would preclude. I want an appropriate degree of credibility and respect. And I want my kids to be invited to their classmates birthday parties. That's why I care what other people think of me, dammit.
I pointed out that genuinely not caring is sociopathic, and suggested that not having to care is a luxury for genuinely independent people who are confident that they will never need anything from anyone ever.
She ceded the point, but contradicted herself somewhat by going on to say something to the effect that acting vulnerable creates a circular pattern: Behaving as though you care what other people think lowers their opinion of you, weakening your position and making you more dependent on their approval.
I still don't see much merit in that argument. I mean, she's right in some scenarios where there are no practical ramifications for invoking disapproval, but the alternative to behaving in ways that people/organisations of influence approve of commonly risks (or outright has) consequences that are so much worse than the hoop-jumping and forelock tugging.
I thoroughly agree that it would be lovely to be able to say to all the people and organisations I have to maintain a functional relationship with that I plan to do things my (perfectly sensible and ethical) way regardless of their displeasing *finger quotes* "rules" and "morals".
Unfortunately, I can't do that.
It's nice to think that people who are vulnerable are just being silly, and could magically not be vulnerable if only they could overcome their unnecessary and inexplicable need to behave as though they are vulnerable.
Like it's nice to think that wearing bathers in the snow to pretend you are not cold protects you from getting hypothermia, not limping resolves the four inch difference in length between your left and right leg, and that imagining that you are eating food, glorious food, will stave off malnutrition, ...and that the people who point out your nakedness are in reality too flawed to see that you are wearing the very most exquisite raiments ever tailored.
I'm not sure whether there is something I am missing that makes sense of their arguments, these people who want me not to care what other people think, and who want me to act as though I am 100% self sufficient. If there is, I'm not seeing it.
The circularity I see is here, in their argument: to stop being vulnerable, stop acting as if you are vulnerable.
I'd like to send a memo to counselors and psychs of all stripes: Please check your privilege and examine what the function of existing behaviours might be before dismissing them as pure self-sabotage. It's ignorant, really bloody offensive and actively harmful, even if only to your credibility.
This entry crossposted from http://tangent-woman.dreamwidth.org/543831.html with
comments. Please comment there if you feel inclined. You too can have a Dreamwidth blog. Ask me how!