JE fic: Straightening Up [Ryo/Ueda; PG]
Title: Straightening Up
Author: nami & momo
Genre: Crack
Rating: PG
Pairing/s: Ryo x a lot of people, RyoDa
Summary: Because Ryo is not gay.
"I’m not gay.”
Tego smiles cheerfully and slides up to Ryo, rolling his hips against the older man’s. “Is this good enough for the fan service part in the concert, Ryo-tan?”
Ryo sighs and doesn’t comment as Tego shamelessly rubs against him.
“OI! No sex during breaks!” Yamapi hollers at them as he passes by.
Yamapi must think he’s very funny. Ryo rolls his eyes, making a mental note to burst Yamapi’s bubble later as he listens to the fading sound of Yamapi’s laughter.
“…Tego-nyan, you can stop anytime now.”
---
“I’m not gay.”
Uchi gives Ryo his patented wounded-puppy-dog look. “But Ryo-chan, aren’t we best friends?”
“What does that have to do with anything?”
“You’re so mean! It’s just practice kissing!”
Ryo raises an eyebrow. “Uchi…aren’t you a bit old for ‘practice kissing’?” he points out dryly.
“I promise not to fall in love with you.”
“I think you’ve been reading too many of your sister’s shoujo manga.”
Uchi tackles Ryo onto the carpet and kisses him. Ryo lets out an indignant squawk when Uchi’s tongue forces his lips open and plunges into his mouth.
“See, that wasn’t so bad, was it?” Uchi says triumphantly, beaming at Ryo as he pulls away.
Ryo sits up, wiping his mouth. “Ugh…you’re right, you do need more practice.”
Uchi’s face falls and he slams Ryo into the ground again, leaning in.
“With someone else…!”
---
Ryo sits despondently on a couch in NewS’ backstage dressing room, munching on a taiyaki for consolation. Yamapi plops down next to him.
“I’m not gay,” Ryo says.
Yamapi nods sympathetically, staring at Ryo’s taiyaki for a moment before grabbing Ryo’s wrist and stealing a bite.
“Hey!” Ryo protests. “Ew, Pi, that’s like an indirect kiss or something.”
Yamapi blinks at him as he chews and swallows, looking like he is pondering something very deeply. Ryo stares back and is stunned when Yamapi suddenly licks Ryo’s lips and presses his own against them with a loud smack.
“There! A direct kiss. Are you happy now?” Yamapi grins, standing up and running off before Ryo un-freezes and does something scary to him.
Ryo’s shock starts dissipating when Yamapi’s insane laughter filters through his ears. “WHAT THE FUCK, YAMASHITA!”
---
Shige finds a very lifeless Ryo sitting alone on a folding chair in the dark practice room.
“I’m not gay,” Ryo says mournfully as Shige approaches him.
“…okay?” Shige says uncertainly, tentatively reaching out a hand to pat Ryo on the back. Ryo flinches and Shige pulls his hand away as if he were burned. “Sorry,” he adds, not quite sure what he is apologizing for.
Ryo stares accusingly at him. “You’re not going to kiss me too, are you?”
“N-no! Of course not! Oh, wait, did you mean you wanted me to?” Shige sputters confusedly.
Ryo stands up and walks out of the room. “…never mind.”
---
Ohkura never thought that looking at porn mags could be depressing, but that is the effect they're having on Ryo, who is at the moment occupying the couch in Ohkura’s living room. “Is something wrong, Ryo?” he asks, glancing at his friend who is glumly staring at the big-breasted girls on the glossies.
“I’m not gay,” Ryo tells him determinedly.
Ohkura raises an eyebrow. “…so I’ve heard.” He snatches the magazine from Ryo’s hands and puts it to better use by flipping through the pages appreciatively.
“I really am not! I’m a sexy Osaka man! Sexy men are supposed to be straight!” Ryo argues, although Ohkura doesn’t remember provoking him into an argument.
“You’re not making any sense. Besides, a lot of people would disagree with you about the all-sexy-men-are-straight part.”
Ryo scowls at him. “How are you supposed to know?”
Ohkura shrugs and continues poring over the magazine idly. “Hey, I heard that girls find it hot when two sexy men make out.”
“…so?” Ryo wonders where this conversation is going.
Ohkura smirks and straddles Ryo’s lap.
“What the hell are you doing-” Ryo inhales sharply as Ohkura grinds their hips together and forcefully kisses him on the mouth.
A loud gasp is heard from the doorway. “Tacchon, how could you?” Yasu wails in despair. Then he stops abruptly. “Wait, that’s kinda hot. Carry on.”
“See, I told you,” Ohkura says smugly to Ryo.
Ryo rolls his eyes. “Yasu is not a girl. And you’re heavy-get off me!”
---
“Ryo!”
Ryo turns and sees Kame in one of his hideously flaming scarves and carrying a red Fendi…purse. He whips his head back so fast he feels the wind knocking his cheek and quickens his pace.
“Ne, Ryo, wait!” Kame’s legs are fast, the little bitch. His hands clutch at Ryo.
“I. AM. NOT. GAY. Getyourhandsoffme.”
Kame blinks lined lashes at him and tilts his head to the side. He isn’t letting go. “Huh?”
Ryo is not amused. “Don’t you have somewhere else to be? Does Jin’s Pants ring any bells?”
Kame blinks twice, thrice, before his lips curve into a lazy smile. He saunters up to Ryo and presses his arms on the other’s back. “Well, Pants certainly rings bells,” he pauses for effect - and with the hand twirled around the golden chains of the Fendi, cups Ryo’s groin. “If it’s yours we’re talking about.”
Ryo gasps, though not from Kame’s fingers - the Fendi manpurse hit him there quite hard. Kame must have put an obscene amount of make-up in it.
"I swear, Kamenashi," Ryo grits out. "If you try to kiss me--"
“I just love these pants. I have to know where you got them,” Kame breathes in what Ryo could only describe as his snakes on a motherfucking plane voice, the kind he used to coerce Johnny into giving him dramas. “I’m just dying for a shopping partner. Jin isn’t fun anymore; he only wants to eat at Burger King and you know I’m watching my figure and Pi is too--”
Ryo breaks free and makes a mad dash to anywhere.
Kame pouts, spots Yabu and calls him over.
---
Ryo walks into the room and sees Jin sitting at a table, concentration directed to an open book in his hands.
“What are you doing?” Ryo asks.
“I’m reading a book on how to further improve my English!” Jin answers enthusiastically.
“…It’s upside-down, Jin,” Ryo points out, giving Jin a you-are-such-a-retard look.
“What? Oh!” Jin laughs sheepishly, closing the book. “It was kinda boring anyway.” He stares at Ryo and cocks his head slightly.
Ryo stares back. “…I’m not gay,” he starts. Just in case Jin didn’t know.
“I didn’t say you were,” Jin answers, smiling amusedly. He stands up and walks over to Ryo, who backs away slightly.
“Ne, Ryo-chan, I’m really bored!” Jin complains, wondering why Ryo keeps taking a step back whenever he takes a step forward.
“I’m not going to kiss you or anything, if that’s your idea of getting rid of boredom,” Ryo retorts.
Jin looks surprised. “How did you know that?”
Ryo looks vaguely traumatized. “Don’t do anything funny, Jin. I’m serious.”
Jin shrugs. “Fine, no kissing.”
Ryo sighs in relief.
“…how about you give me a blowjob instead?”
Ryo is silent for a moment. “I’m leaving now,” he says in scandalized tones, running out the door.
---
“I’m straight, dammit!” Ryo shouts furiously.
For a person who was just slammed hard against the wall by a very hysterical Osakan, Ueda is taking this very calmly. “Well, this is an effective way of getting your point across,” he drawls.
Ryo glares at him and kisses him hard. Ueda is shocked, and it takes a moment for him to register the fact that Nishikido Ryo is kissing him. He starts struggling, but then Ryo pulls back, a sliver of saliva trailing in his lips’ wake.
“See, I didn’t feel anything. Because I’m not gay,” Ryo says, looking at Ueda triumphantly.
Ueda’s usually pale cheeks are slightly flushed. “Good for you,” he answers, glowering at Ryo.
Yamapi passes by (Why is he always around Ryo at times like this? Ryo wonders) and smiles serenely at them. “Yo, Ueda. Ryo’s not gay, you know?”
Ueda shrugs and apathetically watches Yamapi disappear down the corridor.
Ryo is slightly perturbed at Ueda’s indifference. “…aren’t you the least bit devastated to hear that I’m not gay?”
Ueda stares blankly at him. “Why would I be?”
Ryo takes in the light pink dusting Ueda’s cheeks and notes how Ueda’s brown eyes, although devoid of any identifiable emotion, are slightly larger. He had never noticed it before, but Ueda is pretty alluring when he's lying. He kisses those pouted lips again, inhaling the slightly faded scent of almonds and vanilla on Ueda’s skin.
Ueda pushes him away, panting slightly. He regards the satisfied smirk on Ryo’s lips passively before commenting, “There are better ways to ask me out than beating around the bush and coming up with stupid plans that involve kissing a bunch of other people.”
Ryo’s smirk widens. “So you were jealous,” he points out smugly.
Ueda rolls his eyes. “You,” he starts to say with a long-suffering air, “are an idiot.”
The insult goes straight over Ryo’s head as he happily gropes Ueda’s ass.
He isn’t gay, of course. Ueda is practically a girl anyway, right?
Owari
Notes - Momo wrote Kame's part. When I asked her to beta this, she couldn't believe I left out Ryo/Kame, and because I was already in class by the time she contacted me, I told her to go ahead and write it in since she was so adamant about it xD
Author: nami & momo
Genre: Crack
Rating: PG
Pairing/s: Ryo x a lot of people, RyoDa
Summary: Because Ryo is not gay.
"I’m not gay.”
Tego smiles cheerfully and slides up to Ryo, rolling his hips against the older man’s. “Is this good enough for the fan service part in the concert, Ryo-tan?”
Ryo sighs and doesn’t comment as Tego shamelessly rubs against him.
“OI! No sex during breaks!” Yamapi hollers at them as he passes by.
Yamapi must think he’s very funny. Ryo rolls his eyes, making a mental note to burst Yamapi’s bubble later as he listens to the fading sound of Yamapi’s laughter.
“…Tego-nyan, you can stop anytime now.”
---
“I’m not gay.”
Uchi gives Ryo his patented wounded-puppy-dog look. “But Ryo-chan, aren’t we best friends?”
“What does that have to do with anything?”
“You’re so mean! It’s just practice kissing!”
Ryo raises an eyebrow. “Uchi…aren’t you a bit old for ‘practice kissing’?” he points out dryly.
“I promise not to fall in love with you.”
“I think you’ve been reading too many of your sister’s shoujo manga.”
Uchi tackles Ryo onto the carpet and kisses him. Ryo lets out an indignant squawk when Uchi’s tongue forces his lips open and plunges into his mouth.
“See, that wasn’t so bad, was it?” Uchi says triumphantly, beaming at Ryo as he pulls away.
Ryo sits up, wiping his mouth. “Ugh…you’re right, you do need more practice.”
Uchi’s face falls and he slams Ryo into the ground again, leaning in.
“With someone else…!”
---
Ryo sits despondently on a couch in NewS’ backstage dressing room, munching on a taiyaki for consolation. Yamapi plops down next to him.
“I’m not gay,” Ryo says.
Yamapi nods sympathetically, staring at Ryo’s taiyaki for a moment before grabbing Ryo’s wrist and stealing a bite.
“Hey!” Ryo protests. “Ew, Pi, that’s like an indirect kiss or something.”
Yamapi blinks at him as he chews and swallows, looking like he is pondering something very deeply. Ryo stares back and is stunned when Yamapi suddenly licks Ryo’s lips and presses his own against them with a loud smack.
“There! A direct kiss. Are you happy now?” Yamapi grins, standing up and running off before Ryo un-freezes and does something scary to him.
Ryo’s shock starts dissipating when Yamapi’s insane laughter filters through his ears. “WHAT THE FUCK, YAMASHITA!”
---
Shige finds a very lifeless Ryo sitting alone on a folding chair in the dark practice room.
“I’m not gay,” Ryo says mournfully as Shige approaches him.
“…okay?” Shige says uncertainly, tentatively reaching out a hand to pat Ryo on the back. Ryo flinches and Shige pulls his hand away as if he were burned. “Sorry,” he adds, not quite sure what he is apologizing for.
Ryo stares accusingly at him. “You’re not going to kiss me too, are you?”
“N-no! Of course not! Oh, wait, did you mean you wanted me to?” Shige sputters confusedly.
Ryo stands up and walks out of the room. “…never mind.”
---
Ohkura never thought that looking at porn mags could be depressing, but that is the effect they're having on Ryo, who is at the moment occupying the couch in Ohkura’s living room. “Is something wrong, Ryo?” he asks, glancing at his friend who is glumly staring at the big-breasted girls on the glossies.
“I’m not gay,” Ryo tells him determinedly.
Ohkura raises an eyebrow. “…so I’ve heard.” He snatches the magazine from Ryo’s hands and puts it to better use by flipping through the pages appreciatively.
“I really am not! I’m a sexy Osaka man! Sexy men are supposed to be straight!” Ryo argues, although Ohkura doesn’t remember provoking him into an argument.
“You’re not making any sense. Besides, a lot of people would disagree with you about the all-sexy-men-are-straight part.”
Ryo scowls at him. “How are you supposed to know?”
Ohkura shrugs and continues poring over the magazine idly. “Hey, I heard that girls find it hot when two sexy men make out.”
“…so?” Ryo wonders where this conversation is going.
Ohkura smirks and straddles Ryo’s lap.
“What the hell are you doing-” Ryo inhales sharply as Ohkura grinds their hips together and forcefully kisses him on the mouth.
A loud gasp is heard from the doorway. “Tacchon, how could you?” Yasu wails in despair. Then he stops abruptly. “Wait, that’s kinda hot. Carry on.”
“See, I told you,” Ohkura says smugly to Ryo.
Ryo rolls his eyes. “Yasu is not a girl. And you’re heavy-get off me!”
---
“Ryo!”
Ryo turns and sees Kame in one of his hideously flaming scarves and carrying a red Fendi…purse. He whips his head back so fast he feels the wind knocking his cheek and quickens his pace.
“Ne, Ryo, wait!” Kame’s legs are fast, the little bitch. His hands clutch at Ryo.
“I. AM. NOT. GAY. Getyourhandsoffme.”
Kame blinks lined lashes at him and tilts his head to the side. He isn’t letting go. “Huh?”
Ryo is not amused. “Don’t you have somewhere else to be? Does Jin’s Pants ring any bells?”
Kame blinks twice, thrice, before his lips curve into a lazy smile. He saunters up to Ryo and presses his arms on the other’s back. “Well, Pants certainly rings bells,” he pauses for effect - and with the hand twirled around the golden chains of the Fendi, cups Ryo’s groin. “If it’s yours we’re talking about.”
Ryo gasps, though not from Kame’s fingers - the Fendi manpurse hit him there quite hard. Kame must have put an obscene amount of make-up in it.
"I swear, Kamenashi," Ryo grits out. "If you try to kiss me--"
“I just love these pants. I have to know where you got them,” Kame breathes in what Ryo could only describe as his snakes on a motherfucking plane voice, the kind he used to coerce Johnny into giving him dramas. “I’m just dying for a shopping partner. Jin isn’t fun anymore; he only wants to eat at Burger King and you know I’m watching my figure and Pi is too--”
Ryo breaks free and makes a mad dash to anywhere.
Kame pouts, spots Yabu and calls him over.
---
Ryo walks into the room and sees Jin sitting at a table, concentration directed to an open book in his hands.
“What are you doing?” Ryo asks.
“I’m reading a book on how to further improve my English!” Jin answers enthusiastically.
“…It’s upside-down, Jin,” Ryo points out, giving Jin a you-are-such-a-retard look.
“What? Oh!” Jin laughs sheepishly, closing the book. “It was kinda boring anyway.” He stares at Ryo and cocks his head slightly.
Ryo stares back. “…I’m not gay,” he starts. Just in case Jin didn’t know.
“I didn’t say you were,” Jin answers, smiling amusedly. He stands up and walks over to Ryo, who backs away slightly.
“Ne, Ryo-chan, I’m really bored!” Jin complains, wondering why Ryo keeps taking a step back whenever he takes a step forward.
“I’m not going to kiss you or anything, if that’s your idea of getting rid of boredom,” Ryo retorts.
Jin looks surprised. “How did you know that?”
Ryo looks vaguely traumatized. “Don’t do anything funny, Jin. I’m serious.”
Jin shrugs. “Fine, no kissing.”
Ryo sighs in relief.
“…how about you give me a blowjob instead?”
Ryo is silent for a moment. “I’m leaving now,” he says in scandalized tones, running out the door.
---
“I’m straight, dammit!” Ryo shouts furiously.
For a person who was just slammed hard against the wall by a very hysterical Osakan, Ueda is taking this very calmly. “Well, this is an effective way of getting your point across,” he drawls.
Ryo glares at him and kisses him hard. Ueda is shocked, and it takes a moment for him to register the fact that Nishikido Ryo is kissing him. He starts struggling, but then Ryo pulls back, a sliver of saliva trailing in his lips’ wake.
“See, I didn’t feel anything. Because I’m not gay,” Ryo says, looking at Ueda triumphantly.
Ueda’s usually pale cheeks are slightly flushed. “Good for you,” he answers, glowering at Ryo.
Yamapi passes by (Why is he always around Ryo at times like this? Ryo wonders) and smiles serenely at them. “Yo, Ueda. Ryo’s not gay, you know?”
Ueda shrugs and apathetically watches Yamapi disappear down the corridor.
Ryo is slightly perturbed at Ueda’s indifference. “…aren’t you the least bit devastated to hear that I’m not gay?”
Ueda stares blankly at him. “Why would I be?”
Ryo takes in the light pink dusting Ueda’s cheeks and notes how Ueda’s brown eyes, although devoid of any identifiable emotion, are slightly larger. He had never noticed it before, but Ueda is pretty alluring when he's lying. He kisses those pouted lips again, inhaling the slightly faded scent of almonds and vanilla on Ueda’s skin.
Ueda pushes him away, panting slightly. He regards the satisfied smirk on Ryo’s lips passively before commenting, “There are better ways to ask me out than beating around the bush and coming up with stupid plans that involve kissing a bunch of other people.”
Ryo’s smirk widens. “So you were jealous,” he points out smugly.
Ueda rolls his eyes. “You,” he starts to say with a long-suffering air, “are an idiot.”
The insult goes straight over Ryo’s head as he happily gropes Ueda’s ass.
He isn’t gay, of course. Ueda is practically a girl anyway, right?
Owari
Notes - Momo wrote Kame's part. When I asked her to beta this, she couldn't believe I left out Ryo/Kame, and because I was already in class by the time she contacted me, I told her to go ahead and write it in since she was so adamant about it xD