That Makes Me Smile
i dont know why i feel so stressed out but god i do...and i just need to keep writing...so, enjoy!
As I stare out my window all I can see is lifelessness. The majestic trees stand droopy, with no leaves, and covered in ice. The plants which once had beautiful blossoms look as though they are dead, never to bloom again. What a spell Mother Nature has cast to make such things that represent the very essence of life look so sad, so shattered.
There are no people on the streets. No cars, not even one little child on his bicycle. It is at these times when people get incredibly bored. Nothing to do but stay at home for it is far too cold and dangerous for them to go outside. It is at times like these when I think of you the most.
Can it be that it has been nearly seven years since you’ve been gone? That is quite hard to swallow. It seems like only yesterday you were reading to me, encouraging me to be all that I could be, all that I wanted to be. But I guess it has been that long for I seem to have begun to forget you. I can’t remember the way you smelled. I can barely remember your voice, and the only reason I do is because of old home videos.
I find myself shying away from watching those videos as they make me feel the most amazing happiness but once they are finished, the most amazing grief. It is hard for me to even look at pictures of you from time to time because I know that you won’t be there when I look up from them.
I can’t help but look at girls on the street with their fathers and remembering all the good times we had. But what really, truly gets me is watching girls who are my age and older with their fathers and knowing that I will never have what they have. And it brings a tear to my eye.
I can’t even talk about you to anyone because the wound has just freshly healed and mentioning it just opens it back up again. I feel distant from people because I just can’t share with them the pain, even though I know they would be there for me if I needed them. The one person who feels the same as I do can’t even mention you with out crying and I just can’t do that to her every time I feel alone. She just doesn’t deserve it. So I just keep it to myself and let my pain out through my writing, and it helps.
I don’t know how I would have made it through these years without you helping me along. I know I’ve made some rash decisions of late, but I will straighten out, don’t worry. I know who I am and who I want to be. I know that I will always revert back to some shadow of myself. And when I look in the mirror I swear I can see the subtlest shadow of you in me. And that makes me smile.