(Untitled)

[oneken2]

i walked into the bathroom and saw that with no drama or announcement he had removed all the clutter from the bathroom counter --the deodorant, toothpaste and mouthwash had all been pushed aside-- and i knew we would soon need the countertop for a new array of supplies-- bandages, swabs, antiseptics.

Comments

[anonymous]

Uno: Hoping everything's alright... But
as an editor, I would shave the words 'had all been pushed aside'.

Yours,
in poetry (and Saturday fucking nights)

Dr. B

[oneken2]

thank you, doc.

interesting...i had considered shaving the three terminal nouns and replacing them with the ellipsis of obfuscation which leaves no clues.

in honor of poetry and saturday night, i propose omitting the second, redundant 'all'.

[regality3]

Whilst I, since I believe in being way too wordy for words, would leave in the second "all" and emphasize it. What you wrote and the way you wrote it expresses not just what you saw, but also what you felt.

However, "second, redundant"--Uh...*L*

Now, how much more picky can we be? ;-)

[oneken2]

nope, the comma there has the implied force of a parenthetical 'and'