I love to rant about car commercials because they are the balls. Unwashed, old prune balls. You have an item that is ostensibly entirely utilitarian, but it is also a status symbol (why else would anyone outside the military drive a Hummer?) and you can load it up with bonus emotional attributes that are glued on with shit and buffed to a shine ( Read more... )

Though I'm sure I do it too, once in a while, despite being careful, I still really fucking hate it when people leave backhanded compliment comments on other people's pictures on Facebook. It's a thing, a pet peeve. You could say it makes me want to stab them. In the genitals. With a meat forkThere's a simple test to apply to any compliment you're ( Read more... )

So the summer games are raging and Canada is sucking the big hairy monkey scrotum (traditional Chinese medicine advocates sucking on a monkey scrotum to improve overall wellness, and fondling one daily helps relieve arthritis pain). Our rowers are looking good, and... um... uh... Well, we'll get a few medals off their backs, anyway, but no medals ( Read more... )

I saw the Sex And The City movie a few weeks ago and have been digesting it for a while, and now I feel qualified to rant and complain about it. You know, as opposed to the last time, when I wasn't qualified but did it anyway. At any rate, the movie wasn't terrible or painful or anything, which is what I had been warned about (you know, me being a ( Read more... )

I love car commercials, it's true. Cars are the icons of the American Way, American Dream and American Pants. You're not complete unless you have a house in the suburbs and an SUV, which is almost like having a farm in Montana and wrangling cattle (is that what cattle ranchers do? I don't know) for the purposes of coolness, except without all the ( Read more... )

My mother is an amateur chemist in her spare time and the family her unwitting lab rats. There was a time where drinking the juice from a bag of lemons a week was the hot shit. No, really, a bag of lemons. It made my stomach and teeth hurt. There are also theories about fluid intake and how it interferes with digestion unless it's done at exactly ( Read more... )

Yesterday I announced, in a really roundabout way, that I'm a closet pyro. ;)

It's all bad. Really ( Read more... )

I'm an amateur gardener. That is, I am an amateur who happens to have tried gardening. For greater impact, I'll describe what it is I do in terms of puppies ( Read more... )

If recent posts are any indication, I'm in my old coot years. This leaves me frightened and confused because I don't know which brand of beer I'm supposed to drink now. Also... those goddamned godless teenagers, with their hair and their James Blunt.