fic: kyuhyun begins (pg-13)
title: 'kyuhyun begins'
pairing: qmin
rating: pg-13
a/n: italicized lyrics are from the counting crows song 'anna begins,' which is amazing and, with selective excerpting, very slashy. sorry for the abrupt ending. i just needed to cheer myself after watching kyuhyun on immortal song.
my friend assures me, "it's all or nothing"
i am not worried, i am not overly concerned
my friend implores me, "for one time only,
make an exception." i am not not worried
Kyuhyun knows he isn't in love with Sungmin.
He's never been in love, not really. Maybe once, in elementary school. There was a girl in his neighborhood with light brown curls and the darkest eyes he had ever seen (in seven years on the earth, granted) who he met on the playground a few times. She smiled at him like she could see right through him and he felt like throwing up, and one time she tried to hold his hand when they sat on the swings, and he sort of let her, until his mother came out to fetch him. She was a good talker, he remembered that - she told him these elaborate stories about her stuffed animals, but then one day she told him she was moving away, so he kicked over her sand castle and ran home and cried until dinnertime.
There were other girls too, but no more with curls. Some were innocent like him, and they spent whole hours looking at each other from beneath their eyelashes. There was the girl in the second year of high school whose hands crawled over him like spiders, whose lipsticked mouth formed a perfect heart around him in the noraebang. Irrationally he feared he was losing something of himself to her, would have stopped her if he could have done anything but pant and gasp. He couldn't look at her after that, and when she moved to kiss him he cringed visibly, which didn't go over well. She didn't call him again after that, which worked out well, because he was caught in the depths of a Starcraft addiction and was running out of time.
So he's no great expert on the topic, but he's definitely not in love with Sungmin. It is a million other things. It is a craving for an older sibling he never had (or wanted). It is a natural affection for the only person who wholeheartedly welcomed him. Affection has never come naturally to Kyuhyun, but it is no surprise that he finds himself in near constant contact with Sungmin, an overhang in a storm, a friend in what feels like a nest of vipers. He does not think about the warmth that pools beneath his ribs when Sungmin throws an arm around his shoulders, when he climbs in his lap in an unsuccessful bid to impede his Starcraft game.
Fanservice seems like a pretty ridiculous concept to him, but he takes it in stride. He equates it with seeing two of his favorite actresses ripping each other's clothes off, and it makes a bit more sense. It isn't unpleasant, anyway, and it's nothing new. In a world where they can't have a relationship, where they don't have anything except for each other, he feels inordinately lucky to be paired with Sungmin, a kind-hearted hyung who curls up on the floor with him when he cries, who whispers in his ear before he performs, who lays his head in Kyuhyun's lap when they watch TV.
i am not worried; i am not overly concerned
with the status of my emotions
It does not bother me to say this isn't love
Then Sungmin disappears. Kyuhyun doesn't notice until midnight, between video game rounds, when Ryeowook comes into his room and pulls off his headphones, a shocking breach of conduct. "Have you heard from Sungmin-hyung?"
Kyuhyun looks at his roommate's empty bed and frowns. "No? He was here..." He trails off, because he doesn't know when he last saw him. He was thinking of yesterday, when Sungmin was playing a new song on the guitar.
Ryeowook just frowns and walks out of the room, and inexplicably Kyuhyun closes the game and follows him. He sees the time and then he frowns too, digs in his jeans pocket for his cellphone. It's Tuesday, the night of the radio show, but it ended two hours ago.
"He's missing," Ryeowook says, but Kyuhyun hears him as if through water. "The manager said he disappeared after the radio show, and he hasn't answered his phone in an hour. Something's happened."
Kyuhyun is not sure this is true; Ryeowook is given to bouts of irrational fear, but then a cold hand reaches up from his stomach and clutches his heart, and he suddenly finds himself sitting on the tile floor, staring at Ryeowook's knees. He stays there for what feels like hours, listens to familiar voices rise and fall. He was supposed to call the radio show tonight, he realizes. He'd promised, quite adamantly, though he was half asleep this morning when Sungmin had left for the SJ-T rehearsal. He said he'd call, but he didn't, because he'd forgotten. And now Sungmin is missing, and it is almost two o'clock.
By now the entire twelfth floor is sitting in the kitchen and living room, and when the door opens, everyone stands up except for Kyuhyun, whose eyes are closed.
"Where the Hell have you been?" Leeteuk begins, his voice a hysterical half-screech.
Kyuhyun cannot see his face, but Sungmin's voice sounds remarkably smooth. There's the slightest thickness, he may be drunk, but the simplicity of his answer stops Leeteuk's anger nearly in its tracks. "Walking. I walked home."
Heechul curses and walks out, and the rest of them are so disarmed by this answer that all the venom goes out of their responses. "Crazy bastard. Worried the shit out of me. Asshole."
Sungmin doesn't look at Kyuhyun where he is still plastered to the linoleum, just walks past him and towards their room.
because if you don't want to talk about it then it isn't love
and i guess i'm gonna have to live without
but i'm sure there's something in a shade of gray
or something in between
It takes him a full minute to get up. He hadn't realized how tightly he'd been clutching his legs to his chest until he tries to stand and they groan in protest, but he pushes forward unsteadily on them. Sungmin is already laying in his bed when Kyuhyun comes in, curled tightly into the wall, and he feels like throwing up but he doesn't think about it.
"Hyung," he says, but it just hangs there in the semi-darkness until Kyuhyun touches his shoulder. "Hyung, forgive me."
Sungmin doesn't answer, and Kyuhyun does the only thing he can think of, the only thing he has thought of for days - he pulls on his shoulder and kisses him. For one heart-stopping instant nothing happens - there is no chorus of angels or reverberation of desire - just skin on skin - but then Sungmin's fingers wind in his shirt, and once again he feels something sucked out of himself, something he will never have back.
"if it's love," she says, "then we're gonna have to think about the consequences"
pairing: qmin
rating: pg-13
a/n: italicized lyrics are from the counting crows song 'anna begins,' which is amazing and, with selective excerpting, very slashy. sorry for the abrupt ending. i just needed to cheer myself after watching kyuhyun on immortal song.
my friend assures me, "it's all or nothing"
i am not worried, i am not overly concerned
my friend implores me, "for one time only,
make an exception." i am not not worried
Kyuhyun knows he isn't in love with Sungmin.
He's never been in love, not really. Maybe once, in elementary school. There was a girl in his neighborhood with light brown curls and the darkest eyes he had ever seen (in seven years on the earth, granted) who he met on the playground a few times. She smiled at him like she could see right through him and he felt like throwing up, and one time she tried to hold his hand when they sat on the swings, and he sort of let her, until his mother came out to fetch him. She was a good talker, he remembered that - she told him these elaborate stories about her stuffed animals, but then one day she told him she was moving away, so he kicked over her sand castle and ran home and cried until dinnertime.
There were other girls too, but no more with curls. Some were innocent like him, and they spent whole hours looking at each other from beneath their eyelashes. There was the girl in the second year of high school whose hands crawled over him like spiders, whose lipsticked mouth formed a perfect heart around him in the noraebang. Irrationally he feared he was losing something of himself to her, would have stopped her if he could have done anything but pant and gasp. He couldn't look at her after that, and when she moved to kiss him he cringed visibly, which didn't go over well. She didn't call him again after that, which worked out well, because he was caught in the depths of a Starcraft addiction and was running out of time.
So he's no great expert on the topic, but he's definitely not in love with Sungmin. It is a million other things. It is a craving for an older sibling he never had (or wanted). It is a natural affection for the only person who wholeheartedly welcomed him. Affection has never come naturally to Kyuhyun, but it is no surprise that he finds himself in near constant contact with Sungmin, an overhang in a storm, a friend in what feels like a nest of vipers. He does not think about the warmth that pools beneath his ribs when Sungmin throws an arm around his shoulders, when he climbs in his lap in an unsuccessful bid to impede his Starcraft game.
Fanservice seems like a pretty ridiculous concept to him, but he takes it in stride. He equates it with seeing two of his favorite actresses ripping each other's clothes off, and it makes a bit more sense. It isn't unpleasant, anyway, and it's nothing new. In a world where they can't have a relationship, where they don't have anything except for each other, he feels inordinately lucky to be paired with Sungmin, a kind-hearted hyung who curls up on the floor with him when he cries, who whispers in his ear before he performs, who lays his head in Kyuhyun's lap when they watch TV.
i am not worried; i am not overly concerned
with the status of my emotions
It does not bother me to say this isn't love
Then Sungmin disappears. Kyuhyun doesn't notice until midnight, between video game rounds, when Ryeowook comes into his room and pulls off his headphones, a shocking breach of conduct. "Have you heard from Sungmin-hyung?"
Kyuhyun looks at his roommate's empty bed and frowns. "No? He was here..." He trails off, because he doesn't know when he last saw him. He was thinking of yesterday, when Sungmin was playing a new song on the guitar.
Ryeowook just frowns and walks out of the room, and inexplicably Kyuhyun closes the game and follows him. He sees the time and then he frowns too, digs in his jeans pocket for his cellphone. It's Tuesday, the night of the radio show, but it ended two hours ago.
"He's missing," Ryeowook says, but Kyuhyun hears him as if through water. "The manager said he disappeared after the radio show, and he hasn't answered his phone in an hour. Something's happened."
Kyuhyun is not sure this is true; Ryeowook is given to bouts of irrational fear, but then a cold hand reaches up from his stomach and clutches his heart, and he suddenly finds himself sitting on the tile floor, staring at Ryeowook's knees. He stays there for what feels like hours, listens to familiar voices rise and fall. He was supposed to call the radio show tonight, he realizes. He'd promised, quite adamantly, though he was half asleep this morning when Sungmin had left for the SJ-T rehearsal. He said he'd call, but he didn't, because he'd forgotten. And now Sungmin is missing, and it is almost two o'clock.
By now the entire twelfth floor is sitting in the kitchen and living room, and when the door opens, everyone stands up except for Kyuhyun, whose eyes are closed.
"Where the Hell have you been?" Leeteuk begins, his voice a hysterical half-screech.
Kyuhyun cannot see his face, but Sungmin's voice sounds remarkably smooth. There's the slightest thickness, he may be drunk, but the simplicity of his answer stops Leeteuk's anger nearly in its tracks. "Walking. I walked home."
Heechul curses and walks out, and the rest of them are so disarmed by this answer that all the venom goes out of their responses. "Crazy bastard. Worried the shit out of me. Asshole."
Sungmin doesn't look at Kyuhyun where he is still plastered to the linoleum, just walks past him and towards their room.
because if you don't want to talk about it then it isn't love
and i guess i'm gonna have to live without
but i'm sure there's something in a shade of gray
or something in between
It takes him a full minute to get up. He hadn't realized how tightly he'd been clutching his legs to his chest until he tries to stand and they groan in protest, but he pushes forward unsteadily on them. Sungmin is already laying in his bed when Kyuhyun comes in, curled tightly into the wall, and he feels like throwing up but he doesn't think about it.
"Hyung," he says, but it just hangs there in the semi-darkness until Kyuhyun touches his shoulder. "Hyung, forgive me."
Sungmin doesn't answer, and Kyuhyun does the only thing he can think of, the only thing he has thought of for days - he pulls on his shoulder and kisses him. For one heart-stopping instant nothing happens - there is no chorus of angels or reverberation of desire - just skin on skin - but then Sungmin's fingers wind in his shirt, and once again he feels something sucked out of himself, something he will never have back.
"if it's love," she says, "then we're gonna have to think about the consequences"