Do you want to hear about the boys in my life?
Oh, Sammi. How I do heart you tons. And now, the unoriginal ways of the Dith bring you...
Now, you have to remember, I haven't always been the most graceful or socially-able girl. And I definitely was not blessed with looks through the whole "awkward pre-teen/early teen" phase of my life. Oh goodness, no. And I still seem to get "star-struck" by guys I like, and then I lose all ability to function and they usually get annoyed with me, and I would too. It's just a thing. That happens. So...with that said....
Oh, and, I'm just going to go ahead and include virtually every crush because...uh, according to astrology, Sagitarriuns tend to fall fast and hard for their interests. Haha, yep. So. Here we go!
Although I always hate to admit it, out of embarassment, my first crush was probably on Jordan Sandum, in the 5th grade. I don't really remember why, but I guess I must have thought he was cute and funny. Both in those really quirky ways. That really set the stage for the rest of my boy-crazy ways, now that I think about it.
In 6th grade, my crush of choice was Danny Krueger. But...who DIDN'T have a crush on that boy? Or his brother? Cute? Check. Funny? Check. Me? Awkward, tom-boyish, and weird as hell. Okay, yeah, umm...nope, nothing really happened there. So, basically, I had a crush on the "hot guy" that everyone else did, but I was not up to par with the females in my grade. Definitely not, lol. I remember, though, that him and Stephanie started dating, and me and Stephanie were in the same church youth group thing and we had to go on this retreat, and she had this Beanie Baby, and she was like, "I named him Danny!" and I was like, "Hm. That's kind of...weird."
I don't really remember if I crushed on anyone else in 6th grade. Maybe. Oh well. Hm. Moving on.
7th grade. Ohhh, hahaha, the me and Kyle Barnett fiasco! He was my first "boyfriend" and we dated for a good steady...month and a half? lol (interject: Sam, this is waaaay more awkward since these are all people we all know but you get to see little awkward Ardith mature into older little awkward Ardith! lololol) It was pretty cute, I guess. I wrote him notes like any middle schooler would, and we held hands, oh hahaha! But some of my friends thought he was weird, and they teased me a lot, and then I dumped him, saying something like, "So..I'm dumping you," because it was a good clean way to break up with someone? And I thought that post-breakup relationships had to be insanely awkward, so I made it that way. (My apologies, Kyle, lol...it's all good now) And for some reason, I had a little crush on Scott O'Dell. Probably cuz he was just so weird-weird. Not even that cute, but just funny. He wanted me to break up with Kyle to date him, but I said yes to this other kid but we broke up after a week. Oops. And then Scott and me went out for like three days, and then it was done, but that was okay.
The summer before 8th grade, I went to New Jersey. My cousin's friend developed a hardcore crush on me. His name was Jerico. And we flirted, but when I let him kiss me on the cheek, I wasn't too thrilled with that. But I think I still sort of liked him, and I don't really know entirely what was going on between us, but when I got back home to Washington, we IMed and e-mailed, like friends. Then I decided I didn't want him liking me anymore, so I was really mean to him, for no reason. Just to get him to stop liking me. And we basically stopped talking, and we don't really correspond much anymore. In fact, we probably haven't talked for nearly two years.
Anyways. At the beginning of 8th grade, Brian Palmquist broke my heart. I thought he was really super cute, and we talked on the phone for soooooooooooo long every time we were on the phone. We went out for a week, but we never did anything. I was really devastated when he broke up with me because I thought that he could be my first kiss. And he wasn't, and I was SO UPSET. Instead, my first kiss was on a dare, with one of my friends. Ha, oops, oh well. So yeah, I was distraught. I cried. Awkward Ardith cried over a boy.
And then...possibly the biggest crush of mine, don't laugh, was Tyler Messer. Oh my GOD. I was in love with him from like, the third week of 8th grade. Which was about a good two weeks after the "devastating" break-up with Brian. Tyler was just the quirkiest, weirdest, funniest guy, AND he was such a good drummer. I was so mad when he started dating one of my friends who was sort of, well, skanky. That's alright though. Whatever. Yeah, but he was basically the crush of mine. Carter and I dated briefly, and so did Ray and I, but Tyler. Man. Elusive. We always flirted with each other, even through a lot of high school. But basically, he just became one of my good friends. He was there for me so much, and just easy to talk to. We cuddled on the band bus sometimes-- platonic cuddling, but it was good to have that person there.
Sometime in the winter of 8th grade, I met Ryan Johnston. I thought he was cute, and he was a musician as well. We met at a show, and I couldn't stop thinking about him. He was right up there with Tyler, as far as crushing. But we barely knew each other. He knew I liked him, and, as per usual, thought I was a really super strange odd awkward girl, which...well...I was. We ended up going to the same summer camp that summer, and kissed on a dare. (Hey wait. ANOTHER kiss on a dare?! I hate you, Ardith.) I dug the guy. Like a shovel digs a hole. He needed me like a fish needs a bicycle, lol. Eventually, we started talking more, and around the early part of second semester of 9th grade, we hung out. And then him and I went to a friend's birthday party, and there was some flirting, and he eventually finally asked me out, and I was really excited. And then we went out for two years, successfully removing myself from the high school dating scene (which in turn contributed to a VERY awkward Ardith in senior year), but I was pretty happy. He took me to my first big concert, which was fun. I appreciated that. I bought him tickets to AFI for his birthday when I was a sophomore. He was always so on top of the music scene, and I really liked that. Plus, I met some cool people through him, like the Posse. But I never really told him that after about a year and probably about a half, give or take, I started to have these thoughts of, "You should probably end this." I was only feeling like we needed to be together about half the time, yet, when the stress finally built up so much that I was taking it out on him by being pretty bitchy and then he broke up with me...I was actually devastated. Not like I was with Brian. I bawled the next day at school after a successfully numb 1st period. (Tyler had come up, grabbed me, and laughing, been all, "Hey! Ardith!!!!!! How are you!!!" like a normal friend, not knowing, and I just started crying and crying. And then Marie asked me, "ARE YOU STRESSED OUT ABOUT THE AP TEST?!?!??!?" lol, yeah....) And then for the next couple of months, I tried everything to get him back, and it just did not work. And I finally realized what was going on, that he had found someone over the summer that suited him better. Then I thought, well, now, what do I mean? Not just to him, but...in general. A lot of stuff that I wish could have been fixed or things that happened still lingers, and I'm a little bitter that I hurt us both by not listening to my gut way earlier. But I kept trying.
Until a little into my senior year of high school. I was band president (by a landslide vote, lol) and a new member of the varsity cheer squad (hells yeah!), and ready to move on. (Okay, here's where it gets all super embarassing because these guys from here on out are probably all going to read my journal, but that's okay. I'll deal, LOL.) Anyways, to make a longer story short, I defintely had crushes on Andy Keener and Micah Haven. Definitely on Micah a lot. And I don't now, but I did then. Cute, musically talented, funny....check, check, AND check. But factor in a lot of awkward Ardith (I am the Queen of Awkward in the Suck at Life Club). Not to mention they were both younger guys. Strange. I don't think I had ever considered guys in the grade below me until last year. Haha, oops.
And then near the end of the year, there was Greg Foland. He never said anything to me until the first or second day of track, and what he said was, "Oh. The CHEERLEADER is in OUR warm-up group!" and I thought, "Oh no, he hates me," because his good friend really did hate me. But it turned out, he didn't hate me. And we started talking. And then we hung out. And he kissed me, and I was okay with it. In fact, I liked it. So that was good for awhile. And it was nice to have a guy that appreciated me. He even brought me flowers at my senior recital. And that made me smile a lot. But for some reason, I just wasn't looking for a relationship. And even though we had many good conversations and good times, I got scared because I didn't know how to say I didn't want a relationship, and maybe I just wanted friendship. So I didn't make an effort to talk to him for like 3 or 4 weeks and (I know I'm a bad person! Shut it!), but he IMed me last quarter and we've talked, and I saw him when I went to the high school, and it's okay, because he is a good person to talk to. And I like that.
But there was Zeke, but that was more of a needs-based thing. What the eff just happened? It's cool though, no worries. lol, and that overlapped into the first part of my first quarter at Western. And there just wasn't a great plethra of guys to choose from. None in my classes and none in my dorm. WHAT A DISAPPOINTMENT.
And then most recently, there was Garrett Dart, who had suddenly reappeared. More accurately, showed up with Shawn and Jacob at the Filipino Christmas Party, lol. I'd always thought he was a cute and funny guy, and definitely different in a great way from most people. So he was my winter break fling, and that was okay with me, because (oh cheeseball Ardith now) he restored this notion of sincerity and genuineness that I had missed in a lot of past relationships. I mean, someone who walked me to my car even though it was right outside, or I could just share stupid little stories with and it was perfectly fine-- I don't think I'd been that comfortable with someone, and I didn't feel forced. Probably just one of my favorite crushes, I'll let you know that.
So where does that put me now? I couldn't really tell you. I have a few interests, three or four, but with each one, I don't know about feelings being reciprocated or anything. For a majority of my life, I've just been the awkward, weird, not-so-cute girl. And I've always had these situations of "Yes, I want a relationship, but just not with you," and I don't know how to tell people this. So it's like, I think the people I crush on feel that way towards me, and most of the guys that crush on me, I feel that way about them. It's okay though, except impatient optimism just isn't that fun!!
One of the guys who goes to my college, I'm pretty sure he knows I like him. I mean, I have the link from Facebook to my LJ here, so he's probably picked up on the fact that "cute guy" = him. lol
And then two of the others don't live in B-ham, so there's that difficulty. Compound that with no other forms of contact other that LJ comments, haha. Oops. *NERD ALERT*
There's my gut-spilling for the day.
It's nice to be home. I hung out with Michelle, Crystal, and Jose, then we went out to Cashmere and hung out with Shawn and Ryan B. Good times. Let's set this weekend in motion now.
Now, you have to remember, I haven't always been the most graceful or socially-able girl. And I definitely was not blessed with looks through the whole "awkward pre-teen/early teen" phase of my life. Oh goodness, no. And I still seem to get "star-struck" by guys I like, and then I lose all ability to function and they usually get annoyed with me, and I would too. It's just a thing. That happens. So...with that said....
Oh, and, I'm just going to go ahead and include virtually every crush because...uh, according to astrology, Sagitarriuns tend to fall fast and hard for their interests. Haha, yep. So. Here we go!
Although I always hate to admit it, out of embarassment, my first crush was probably on Jordan Sandum, in the 5th grade. I don't really remember why, but I guess I must have thought he was cute and funny. Both in those really quirky ways. That really set the stage for the rest of my boy-crazy ways, now that I think about it.
In 6th grade, my crush of choice was Danny Krueger. But...who DIDN'T have a crush on that boy? Or his brother? Cute? Check. Funny? Check. Me? Awkward, tom-boyish, and weird as hell. Okay, yeah, umm...nope, nothing really happened there. So, basically, I had a crush on the "hot guy" that everyone else did, but I was not up to par with the females in my grade. Definitely not, lol. I remember, though, that him and Stephanie started dating, and me and Stephanie were in the same church youth group thing and we had to go on this retreat, and she had this Beanie Baby, and she was like, "I named him Danny!" and I was like, "Hm. That's kind of...weird."
I don't really remember if I crushed on anyone else in 6th grade. Maybe. Oh well. Hm. Moving on.
7th grade. Ohhh, hahaha, the me and Kyle Barnett fiasco! He was my first "boyfriend" and we dated for a good steady...month and a half? lol (interject: Sam, this is waaaay more awkward since these are all people we all know but you get to see little awkward Ardith mature into older little awkward Ardith! lololol) It was pretty cute, I guess. I wrote him notes like any middle schooler would, and we held hands, oh hahaha! But some of my friends thought he was weird, and they teased me a lot, and then I dumped him, saying something like, "So..I'm dumping you," because it was a good clean way to break up with someone? And I thought that post-breakup relationships had to be insanely awkward, so I made it that way. (My apologies, Kyle, lol...it's all good now) And for some reason, I had a little crush on Scott O'Dell. Probably cuz he was just so weird-weird. Not even that cute, but just funny. He wanted me to break up with Kyle to date him, but I said yes to this other kid but we broke up after a week. Oops. And then Scott and me went out for like three days, and then it was done, but that was okay.
The summer before 8th grade, I went to New Jersey. My cousin's friend developed a hardcore crush on me. His name was Jerico. And we flirted, but when I let him kiss me on the cheek, I wasn't too thrilled with that. But I think I still sort of liked him, and I don't really know entirely what was going on between us, but when I got back home to Washington, we IMed and e-mailed, like friends. Then I decided I didn't want him liking me anymore, so I was really mean to him, for no reason. Just to get him to stop liking me. And we basically stopped talking, and we don't really correspond much anymore. In fact, we probably haven't talked for nearly two years.
Anyways. At the beginning of 8th grade, Brian Palmquist broke my heart. I thought he was really super cute, and we talked on the phone for soooooooooooo long every time we were on the phone. We went out for a week, but we never did anything. I was really devastated when he broke up with me because I thought that he could be my first kiss. And he wasn't, and I was SO UPSET. Instead, my first kiss was on a dare, with one of my friends. Ha, oops, oh well. So yeah, I was distraught. I cried. Awkward Ardith cried over a boy.
And then...possibly the biggest crush of mine, don't laugh, was Tyler Messer. Oh my GOD. I was in love with him from like, the third week of 8th grade. Which was about a good two weeks after the "devastating" break-up with Brian. Tyler was just the quirkiest, weirdest, funniest guy, AND he was such a good drummer. I was so mad when he started dating one of my friends who was sort of, well, skanky. That's alright though. Whatever. Yeah, but he was basically the crush of mine. Carter and I dated briefly, and so did Ray and I, but Tyler. Man. Elusive. We always flirted with each other, even through a lot of high school. But basically, he just became one of my good friends. He was there for me so much, and just easy to talk to. We cuddled on the band bus sometimes-- platonic cuddling, but it was good to have that person there.
Sometime in the winter of 8th grade, I met Ryan Johnston. I thought he was cute, and he was a musician as well. We met at a show, and I couldn't stop thinking about him. He was right up there with Tyler, as far as crushing. But we barely knew each other. He knew I liked him, and, as per usual, thought I was a really super strange odd awkward girl, which...well...I was. We ended up going to the same summer camp that summer, and kissed on a dare. (Hey wait. ANOTHER kiss on a dare?! I hate you, Ardith.) I dug the guy. Like a shovel digs a hole. He needed me like a fish needs a bicycle, lol. Eventually, we started talking more, and around the early part of second semester of 9th grade, we hung out. And then him and I went to a friend's birthday party, and there was some flirting, and he eventually finally asked me out, and I was really excited. And then we went out for two years, successfully removing myself from the high school dating scene (which in turn contributed to a VERY awkward Ardith in senior year), but I was pretty happy. He took me to my first big concert, which was fun. I appreciated that. I bought him tickets to AFI for his birthday when I was a sophomore. He was always so on top of the music scene, and I really liked that. Plus, I met some cool people through him, like the Posse. But I never really told him that after about a year and probably about a half, give or take, I started to have these thoughts of, "You should probably end this." I was only feeling like we needed to be together about half the time, yet, when the stress finally built up so much that I was taking it out on him by being pretty bitchy and then he broke up with me...I was actually devastated. Not like I was with Brian. I bawled the next day at school after a successfully numb 1st period. (Tyler had come up, grabbed me, and laughing, been all, "Hey! Ardith!!!!!! How are you!!!" like a normal friend, not knowing, and I just started crying and crying. And then Marie asked me, "ARE YOU STRESSED OUT ABOUT THE AP TEST?!?!??!?" lol, yeah....) And then for the next couple of months, I tried everything to get him back, and it just did not work. And I finally realized what was going on, that he had found someone over the summer that suited him better. Then I thought, well, now, what do I mean? Not just to him, but...in general. A lot of stuff that I wish could have been fixed or things that happened still lingers, and I'm a little bitter that I hurt us both by not listening to my gut way earlier. But I kept trying.
Until a little into my senior year of high school. I was band president (by a landslide vote, lol) and a new member of the varsity cheer squad (hells yeah!), and ready to move on. (Okay, here's where it gets all super embarassing because these guys from here on out are probably all going to read my journal, but that's okay. I'll deal, LOL.) Anyways, to make a longer story short, I defintely had crushes on Andy Keener and Micah Haven. Definitely on Micah a lot. And I don't now, but I did then. Cute, musically talented, funny....check, check, AND check. But factor in a lot of awkward Ardith (I am the Queen of Awkward in the Suck at Life Club). Not to mention they were both younger guys. Strange. I don't think I had ever considered guys in the grade below me until last year. Haha, oops.
And then near the end of the year, there was Greg Foland. He never said anything to me until the first or second day of track, and what he said was, "Oh. The CHEERLEADER is in OUR warm-up group!" and I thought, "Oh no, he hates me," because his good friend really did hate me. But it turned out, he didn't hate me. And we started talking. And then we hung out. And he kissed me, and I was okay with it. In fact, I liked it. So that was good for awhile. And it was nice to have a guy that appreciated me. He even brought me flowers at my senior recital. And that made me smile a lot. But for some reason, I just wasn't looking for a relationship. And even though we had many good conversations and good times, I got scared because I didn't know how to say I didn't want a relationship, and maybe I just wanted friendship. So I didn't make an effort to talk to him for like 3 or 4 weeks and (I know I'm a bad person! Shut it!), but he IMed me last quarter and we've talked, and I saw him when I went to the high school, and it's okay, because he is a good person to talk to. And I like that.
But there was Zeke, but that was more of a needs-based thing. What the eff just happened? It's cool though, no worries. lol, and that overlapped into the first part of my first quarter at Western. And there just wasn't a great plethra of guys to choose from. None in my classes and none in my dorm. WHAT A DISAPPOINTMENT.
And then most recently, there was Garrett Dart, who had suddenly reappeared. More accurately, showed up with Shawn and Jacob at the Filipino Christmas Party, lol. I'd always thought he was a cute and funny guy, and definitely different in a great way from most people. So he was my winter break fling, and that was okay with me, because (oh cheeseball Ardith now) he restored this notion of sincerity and genuineness that I had missed in a lot of past relationships. I mean, someone who walked me to my car even though it was right outside, or I could just share stupid little stories with and it was perfectly fine-- I don't think I'd been that comfortable with someone, and I didn't feel forced. Probably just one of my favorite crushes, I'll let you know that.
So where does that put me now? I couldn't really tell you. I have a few interests, three or four, but with each one, I don't know about feelings being reciprocated or anything. For a majority of my life, I've just been the awkward, weird, not-so-cute girl. And I've always had these situations of "Yes, I want a relationship, but just not with you," and I don't know how to tell people this. So it's like, I think the people I crush on feel that way towards me, and most of the guys that crush on me, I feel that way about them. It's okay though, except impatient optimism just isn't that fun!!
One of the guys who goes to my college, I'm pretty sure he knows I like him. I mean, I have the link from Facebook to my LJ here, so he's probably picked up on the fact that "cute guy" = him. lol
And then two of the others don't live in B-ham, so there's that difficulty. Compound that with no other forms of contact other that LJ comments, haha. Oops. *NERD ALERT*
There's my gut-spilling for the day.
It's nice to be home. I hung out with Michelle, Crystal, and Jose, then we went out to Cashmere and hung out with Shawn and Ryan B. Good times. Let's set this weekend in motion now.