exo: everything i wanted
(You're) Everything I wanted
- Kai/Lay, Lay/Lu Han, Lu Han/Xiumin. PG. 4356 words.
- Yixing meets Lu Han. Lu Han falls for Minseok. Yixing remains to be the best friend despite this. Somewhere in this picture, there is Jongin.
- A remix of kalopsia's (The) Coming Times, for kpop_ficmix. All my love and gratitude goes to Miia for being such an amazing beta reader and spotting my godawful typos and grammar mistakes, and Amber for the hand-holding and for being such an enabler. I love you both ♥ (The title is from Rivermaya's "Balisong")
"I think I'm going to fall in love with him."
Jongin blinks a few times and shifts in his position a bit. He's out in the field today, and the edge of the goal post feels cool on his skin. He's exactly seven minutes away from the practice room. Five in the morning is an ungoldy hour to be lying half-awake on the grass, but it's the only break he's able to catch. He works hard during practices, works even harder during the extra runs he does when everyone else is gone. Times are tough, after all - he simply cannot allow himself to sluggishly perform in the background.
Yixing shares the same sentiments, and his company proves to be surprisingly comforting at this hour.
"Who?" Jongin asks, voice laden with exhaustion.
"Lu Han." A pregnant pause, then more words from Yixing. "I'm going to fall in love with him."
Jongin looks to his side, then rolls over when Yixing shuts his eyes tight. He sees the trace of worry, the fatigue pulling down the corners of Yixing's lips. "Didn't you just meet him," he asks, then belatedly notices the bitter undertone, "Like, three weeks ago or something."
"Yeah, but- I don't love him now, but I know I'm going to. I don't know when; I just know it'll happen."
Jongin grunts in reply.
"Crazy, huh?"
He doesn't answer. Instead, he closes his eyes, pretends to have drifted off somewhere between Yixing's sloppy confession and his bitter remark. He chokes up a couple of snores for effect. The sun's beginning to rise and there's a comfortable kind of warmth all around. Yixing's humming something Jongin has never heard before. Jongin sinks into the comfort that the moment offers until much later, when Yixing picks him, wraps one of his arms around Jongin's neck, and lifts him.
The mind is awake but the body is weak. His heart is even weaker.
It's not exactly by chance that Yixing and Jongin became friends. Jongin had been training with SM far longer than most trainees save for Joonmyun, and he had always been regarded for his dancing skills by most, despised for it by even more; Yixing was the newcomer, the challenger, and of course they'd be shuffled in the same dance classes to be pit against each other. It was only a matter of time until they were put in the same group to perform on the same stage.
"You'll have to get along with him, y'know," Joonmyun said. "Just- go and talk to the kid. He looks lost."
"I don't care."
"Don't be an ass. Now go, befriend him."
Jongin slowly got up, grumpy and grumbling. He approached Yixing with a tentative smile, and, "Hey. You were great out there. You learn fast."
Yixing chuckled. "Thanks," he replied. Jongin could hear still hear hints of his accent. "You were great, too."
It wasn't until a few days later that Jongin was able to pry Yixing open and get him to talk, and with Chanyeol's help even - Chanyeol, whose effortless ways of being friendly and generally approachable had drawn so many people to him and, in effect, to their tiny circle of friends. Joonmyun didn't really mind it; Jongin was probably the only one who did, but Yixing was a welcome addition to the group.
"Y'know, when I was starting out at SM, I was shy just like you!"
Joonmyun choked on his samgyupsal.
"Don't listen to him," Jongin quipped. "He's lying. He's been an ass since day one."
And then it happened - Yixing's eyes crinkled and Jongin caught sight of the surge of color to Yixing's eyes, his cheeks, his skin. Yixing erupted into a peal of laughter. He laughed until he was wheezing, gasping for breath, and Jongin kept his grip on the glass of water tight and firm, ready for when Yixing finally caught his breath again.
"You're funny," Yixing said in between gasps and chuckles. "I like you."
Jongin's eyes widened. "Um, thanks," he mumbled, and focused his eyes back on the plate in front of him, focused his attention on the poor piece of pork forgotten in favour of Yixing's simple, careless words.
I'm going to fall in love with him, Jongin repeats in his mind as he goes through the routine, this time without Yixing. Yixing's voice becomes louder with every passing second, much louder than the backing track.
I just know it'll happen.
"He's adorable," Yixing says while Jongin packs up after practice.
Jongin looks over his shoulder and finds Yixing doing the same, only with a bigger smile on his lips. He watches the smile widen even more, and he walks closer to Yixing to examine it. "Uh-huh."
Yixing laughs a little, then bites the inside of his cheek. "He loves getting chummy with me and he loves skinship and all that." Yixing pokes his bag before looking at Jongin. "Lunch? You're hungry, right? C'mon!"
Later, Jongin finds out that Yixing is eager to get his afternoon meal because Lu Han comes to the cafeteria at 12 noon, not because he's actually hungry or as a display of concern for the welfare of Jongin's stomach. He watches from the other side of the table as Minseok chews his food - tofu, for the third straight day this week - feigning satisfaction as he says, "Mm. Delicious." He watches Lu Han raise a slice of beef in Minseok's general direction and ask, "Do you want some of my beef?" He watches Yixing's eyes travel from Lu Han to Minseok and back, watches as Yixing averts his gaze, as Lu Han slips an arm around Minseok's shoulder to pull him close.
There are people cheering outside, just beyond the glass window. Jongin cringes, and he can't tell if Yixing is spacing out or passing out from all the extra practice he's been doing - maybe even both. He reaches under the table for Yixing's hand and Yixing suddenly jerks, because is Sehun speaking louder than usual, loud enough for the whole table to hear, "That looks good."
Jongin blinks twice and adjusts his vision, recalibrates his senses.
"Yeah." Lu Han leans in and feeds Sehun with his chopsticks.
Yixing bolts and announces, "I'll catch some extra practice."
Lu Han looks at Yixing tentatively before saying, "Um, okay. See you later?" Jongin doesn't follow Yixing, only looks over his shoulder and goes back to finishing his food a few seconds after. If Yixing needs company, all he ever needs to do is ask.
Jongin excuses himself early, anyway.
He checks every practice room but finds Yixing walking down the hall, emerging from the comfort room. "Hiding," he says, calling out, and Yixing looks at him long enough before offering a smile.
"Not anymore."
They go through the routine a few more times, until Yixing decides to speak up, slumping against the mirror of the practice room. "I hate him, but I hate myself more," Yixing says, breathy, and buries his face in his hands as he continues, "God, how can I even hate Minseok-"
"You don't hate Minseok-hyung. You're just jealous."
Yixing scowls at Jongin. "Thanks."
Jongin moves closer to Yixing and slips an arm around his shoulder. It's a bit uncomfortable, his arm getting smushed between Yixing's body and the cold mirror, but Yixing's head is a perfect fit in the crook of his neck, and feeling Yixing's dissatisfied exhale against his skin provides the weirdest sort of comfort.
"He's starving himself. The least I could do is not hate him."
"And the best you could do is shut up."
Yixing giggles. Jongin is ticklish in every part that Yixing makes contact with. "Fuck you," Yixing says, playful yet half serious, so Jongin follows his own advice and just cherishes the few seconds that Yixing just thinks of Jongin's lack of tact, thinks of this, and has his mind off of Lu Han.
Lu Han has had a rough day.
Not that Jongin cares, but he cares enough about Yixing to probe and ask why Yixing's wearing a long face, or why he's missing a beat, a half-step, tripping on his own feet. "Lunch. Skipped it," Yixing mumbles in response, and Jongin knows it's more of a knee-jerk reaction than an excuse.
"How's Lu Han-hyung?"
"Awful," Yixing replies, almost automatically. His lips are pressed together in a tight-lipped frown. "Bad day. Got into an argument."
"With you?"
Yixing scoffs. "He hardly does anything with me these days."
"Minseok-hyung, then."
It's more of a statement than a question, but Yixing nods anyway. Yixing says no more, possibly expecting Jongin to take a hint, to get it, and Jongin does, except he feels like being an absolute douche and a good friend today. So he punches Yixing lightly on the arm, earning a yelp.
"What?"
"You're jealous," Jongin says. He chuckles a little. It's fun to see the discomfort along the lines of Yixing's jaw, the twitch of his eye, the quiver of his lips. "It's happening, huh? Premonition?"
Yixing parts his lips, lets his mouth hang agape for a while, then shuts it again.
Jongin takes a step forward, then back, then forward again. It's this part of this friendship that he hates - waltzing around, waiting for Yixing to speak up, to beg, to ask for help. "Acceptance makes everything easier," he tells Yixing, then rushes when Yixing winces a little, "hyung." Being a good friend is a combination of knowing when to call out a friend on his shit, and knowing when to relieve said friend of shit. It's a package deal.
"But he likes Minseok-hyung."
Jongin bites the inside of his cheek. The taste of blood catches on his tongue. "Doesn't mean you can't like him."
"I know I said before that I'll probably fall in love with him but- I just-"
Yixing stares, holds his breath, and the waiting game begins again. Just before Jongin decides to turn around and leave Yixing to his thoughts, Yixing mumbles, "I counted wrong. I- I never count wrong," so Jongin quickly looks over his shoulder, counts to ten as Yixing's lips quiver.
"Acceptance," Jongin repeats, this time in a voice so soft he can barely hear himself, and there's a familiar surge of color in Yixing's eyes, face, skin. Yixing looks at him, something akin to realization in his features, then walks past him.
The door shuts with a 'click', the softest Jongin has heard in a while.
In between attempting to console Yixing and trying to prove himself to the management, Jongin daydreams. He daydreams about having a solo career as an RnB singer, about driving around in a hot red sportscar, not thinking of anything but the road ahead. He daydreams about having a picnic with Yixing because Yixing is just as good as a comfortable kind of silence, maybe even better.
He dreams of having Yixing by his side all the time.
"So what do I do now?" Yixing asks out of the blue. They're out in the field again; it has become their hideout of sorts, even if they're out in the open. They spent the last thirty minutes lying flat on their backs on the grass, just staring at the sky; now, they're twirling blades of grass between their fingers. "Befriending Minseok-hyung just makes everything worse."
"Telling him that he shouldn't starve himself isn't befriending him," Jongin replies. It's the least bit helpful, but Yixing wants honesty more than anything else in this world.
"Should I avoid him?" Yixing worries his lower lip a little. "Lu Han-ge, I mean."
Jongin swallows the bitter laughter threatening to fall from his lips. This can go two ways - he can tell Yixing that yes, avoiding Lu Han probably is the best thing to do because Yixing always listens to him and to his bad ideas, or he can also tell Yixing that running away from this won't solve anything. Alternatively, he can just shrug and whisper to the wind, "I don't know."
He exhales loudly. "What do you think?"
"I think I hate my life right now."
"Could've been worse," Jongin says, joking, and this elicits laughter from Yixing.
He might not have given Yixing a good answer, but this is as good as it gets.
Yixing ends up avoiding Lu Han like the plague.
It's an off-putting sight because Yixing and Lu Han fit each other like peas in a pod. Yixing isn't Yixing without bits and pieces of Lu Han in him, and right now he looks more miserable than simply tired or exhausted. His breathing is heavy after they go through the routine for the second time - Yixing rarely ever has to catch his breath during dance practice.
Maybe he isn't practicing as much as he has to. Maybe he has forgotten to breathe.
"I'm going to die," Chanyeol says, raising his hand and pretending to drown in a wave of fatigue. From where Jongin is, Chanyeol just looks as if he's losing balance.
"I'm already dead," Yixing chimes. Jongin sees Lu Han quickly shifting his attention from his swollen toe to Yixing. "I can't do this anymore."
"Need help?" Lu Han asks from the other side of the room.
Yixing gulps down hard. "Should we call it a day?"
There's a look of relief in Joonmyun features, and a smile surfaces on his lips as he says, "Bless you, Zhang Yixing."
Yixing's grinning from ear to ear. It's mildly disconcerting because Jongin can almost see the grin ripping through Yixing's features, tearing Yixing apart. So he calls out to no one in particular, "Let's eat?", effectively buying time for Yixing to let his features falter, to take off that stupid grin.
"Joonmyun-hyung's treat!"
"But I always pay for your food."
Chanyeol chuckles and snakes an arm around Joonmyun's shoulder. "That's why you're my favorite hyung."
Yixing laughs a little. It's spontaneous, unlike the grin he was wearing minutes ago. Lu Han's shoulders are tense, and there's a bit of worry in the way he furrows his eyebrows. Jongin takes a few steps forward, closer to where the door is, and motions for everyone to get a move on, to get going before Joonmyun even changes his mind.
Yixing's hand finds a perfect fit in his when they collide.
Lu Han trails behind.
"Are you avoiding me?"
Jongin doesn't mean to hear it, but Lu Han's voice is loud enough for someone just outside the door to hear. Jongin looks around for an audience, then presses his ear close to the door when he's sure that there's no one else around.
"Didn't hear you come in," someone who sounds a lot like Yixing says. Jongin can barely make out the statement, with how faint and soft the voice is.
"My question," Lu Han says, this time with finality. "Are you ignoring me?"
There's silence for a while, some rustling of the sheets, and Jongin's prepared to leave anytime now because eavesdropping is wrong, moreso eavesdropping on a conversation between Yixing and Lu Han.
"Why would you think that?"
"It's kind of obvious," Lu Han replies. Jongin chuckles - Lu Han is ruthless, even more than Jongin is when he feels like being an absolute douche. "I mean, you are the closest person to me in the company, after all."
Liar, Jongin wants to say. He wants to claw at the door and barge in and point an accusing finger at Lu Han. Liar! he wants to scream, but Yixing is quick to defend himself and indirectly pacify Jongin's brewing hatred for Lu Han.
"I'm not avoiding you."
"Hey Jongin, what's up?"
Jongin almost jerks in surprise, but successfully masks his moment of weakness with a look of fatigue dressed in an empty stare. "Huh?" he says, feigning confusion, and Minseok just shrugs, mumbles something about weird kids and their weird ways and god, why am I hungry again before Zitao shuffles him inside their room, hands on Minseok's shoulders as if maneuvering a train.
By the time Zitao shuts the door behind him, Yixing emerges from the room he shares with Lu Han. Yixing walks past him, but Jongin doesn't hold it against Yixing because Yixing's got his eyes fixed on the floor, the expanse of space in front of him, anything but Jongin. When Yixing's looking for something, he always looks lost, but he never seeks guidance until he's exhausted all of his resources.
So Jongin walks away - from the room, from the thought of following Yixing, from his own thoughts - and tucks himself in bed, drawing the blanket over his head in an effort to drown out the noise.
But the voice in his head just keeps saying Yixing Yixing Yixing.
"I talked to him about it."
Jongin rolls over and lies flat on his stomach so that he's facing Yixing. He doesn't speak, just nods slowly as if urging Yixing to go on, and props a pillow under his arms. He studies the look on Yixing's face for a while, one that tells him that Yixing's struggling to find the right words for this, and briefly wonders why Yixing's struggling at all.
"I talked to Minseok-ge... about Lu Han-ge."
Jongin catches the change in the way Yixing addresses Minseok and furrows his eyebrows a little. Yixing settles on the edge of his bed as he exhales loudly, crossing his legs beneath all the weight. "Well, it wasn't exactly a conversation about the thing, but I think we're better now."
"Better isn't any better than good."
"It's progress."
Jongin rolls over again, now lying flat on his back, then pats the empty space beside him. Yixing collapses soon after, then curls up close, maybe too close, because Jongin can feel Yixing's breath on his skin, tickling him, pricking him. "He needs Ge more than I do, y'know. I mean, I need Lu Han-ge, but Minseok-ge needs him more now, maybe forever."
Because you have me? Jongin wants to ask, but he bites the inside of his cheek and replies, instead, "Because you're an independent kid?"
"Yeah, that. And-"
Yixing stares at the ceiling, the clouds painted on it, the soft blue hue of the walls. Jongin just watches Yixing, the steady rise and fall of his chest, the way he switches between pursing his lips and biting on his lower lip. He wonders how it would be to take Yixing in his arms and bury Yixing's face in his chest and kiss Yixing, if it'll feel so good or bad or weird because friends don't kiss each other, much less on a bed. And he just keeps wondering because Yixing's still staring - into oblivion, at the expanse of space before him, at anything but Jongin.
Sometimes, Jongin thinks he slips into some of Yixing's trances.
In one of the visions, there is Yixing rushing to the gate of Lu Han's university, a box of chocolates in one hand and a bouquet of flowers in the other. Jongin sees himself, hears himself whispering in Yixing's ear, "Flowers, not chocolates. He counts calories, remember?" and Yixing quickly stuffs the box of chocolates in Jongin's bag. Jongin counts the seconds until Lu Han enters the scene - exactly ten; Yixing is right, he's always right - and quickly slips away, looking over his shoulder only when he's sure that Yixing and Lu Han are no longer in sight.
Sometimes, he wonders if Yixing ever notices him sharing the same visions. He wonders if Yixing notices anything at all.
("Does it bother you," Joonmyun asks one time.
Jongin has just finished doing a pirouette when Joonmyun asks the question. He stumbles a little, highly uncanny, and tries to make the whole misstep as graceful as possible doing another pirouette. "Does what bother me," he replies, eyes focused on his feet instead of Joonmyun.
Joonmyun scoffs. "Yixing and Lu Han. C'mon, you can drop the act. It's just me."
Jongin remembers saying the exact same phrase a few weeks back to Yixing, albeit not through words but through a dance. Then Yixing ended up spurting sentences upon sentences about his fondness for Lu Han, the peculiar link they had, and the way Lu Han looked at Minseok with the same amount of fondness. "Shit happens," he remembers his mind saying. His body's response was to pat Yixing on the back and give Yixing a small smile.
"It gets better."
Jongin takes a deep breath, musters a smile before turning to Joonmyun to face the inevitable. "They're debuting in the same group."
"We're debuting in the same group."
"It doesn't get better than that, does it?"
Joonmyun heaves a sigh and inches closer, just enough for Jongin to feel a familiar warmth around his shoulder. "Shit happens," Joonmyun says, voice barely above a whisper, then rushes, "to the best of us."
Jongin chuckles and bites back the bitter laughter at the tip of his tongue. It's lonely at the top, most people say; Jongin believes it's much a happier place if you just try hard enough.)
It's the night before their debut stage. Joonmyun had told everyone to get enough rest, but Jongin's got too much energy to even let his body calm down. He plays a familiar song in his head - possibly a mash-up of History and MAMA that, strangely enough, sounds pretty good - and the beeps his phone is giving off somehow fall in harmony with the tune.
Big day tomorrow, Yixing says over text. Trust Yixing to state the obvious.
Jongin scoffs and hastily types, Lol go to sleep, then slips his phone beneath his pillow. He counts to ten until his phone sounds off, another ten for a text possibly justifying Yixing's previous message, and then another that probably says Yixing's finally going to bed and We're gonna blow everyone away tomorrow. Jongin has memorized Yixing like the back of his hand, and he claws at his skin, stares at the red blotches he has created, then laughs a little.
He pulls the covers over his head and ignores the stinging pain. It will die down in a while, anyway. What's important is for him to get enough rest.
It's a big day tomorrow, after all.
Three weeks, four days, fifteen hours and, give or take, some forty-eight minutes after, things haven't changed. Much. Jongdae still leaves the sweetest good luck messages. Zitao makes sure to remind them to get enough rest, and Kris always tells Joonmyun to be generous with words of encouragement whenever he could. Minseok still makes it a point to remind them to grab fortune cookies from time to time, and Yixing and Lu Han are supportive of Minseok's endeavour.
Jongin's getting used to this.
It's the first break they've gotten the whole day, the first time Jongin's checking his phone since the start of the session. Busy day, Yixing says over text. Crazy. Missed a question again. Should have "accidentally" hit Kris-ge in the face instead, he says as a follow up, and Jongin lays his phone flat on the floor, face down, when Joonmyun asks why he's laughing and giggling and why he isn't where he's supposed to be.
"Please let this be the last run," Sehun says, complaining.
"Alert the press; maknae can actually feel pain!"
Baekhyun cackles as Sehun strangles him, and Joonmyun lays all attempts at making sense of this chaos to rest. Chanyeol's laughing at the two silly, and Kyungsoo joins not too long after because Sehun's got Baekhyun stunned in a headlock, and Baekhyun's gasping for air, saying, "Meeeelting!"
Jongin glances at his phone when it sounds off. Two more messages from Yixing, possibly of the latter complaining about the insane amount of work and Kris being a prick and Lu Han's milk tea being too sweet. He lays it face down again and finally gets up, walks to where everybody else is, and kicks Sehun in the butt.
Joonmyun shoots a suspicious glance at him, and Jongin just winks.
Yixing and Lu Han are miles away and he has no way of knowing what's happening, but he's fairly certain of what the turn of events might be - Yixing will move on, Lu Han will continue being fond of Minseok because Minseok is Minseok. Jongin trusts Yixing because Yixing's gut feel has never been wrong.
Before leaving for China, Yixing told him, "Happiness comes after much heartbreak, of yours and others. Keep the faith - that's what Minseok-ge's fortune said."
"And what did yours say," he asked.
Yixing laughed a little. "Not for you to know. But here's yours."
Jongin reaches down, ruffling Sehun's hair, and Sehun loosens the headlock in favour of grabbing Jongin by the collar and saying, sneering, "Don't mess with my hair, Kai."
Shit happens. Make the most out of it, Jongin repeats in his head until he hears it in Yixing's voice, in Lu Han's, in Joonmyun's, in his own. There's a juvenile sort of ring to it, but he is still young and fresh and maybe a bit stupid.
They've only just debuted, anyway. He's still got a lot to learn.
- Kai/Lay, Lay/Lu Han, Lu Han/Xiumin. PG. 4356 words.
- Yixing meets Lu Han. Lu Han falls for Minseok. Yixing remains to be the best friend despite this. Somewhere in this picture, there is Jongin.
- A remix of kalopsia's (The) Coming Times, for kpop_ficmix. All my love and gratitude goes to Miia for being such an amazing beta reader and spotting my godawful typos and grammar mistakes, and Amber for the hand-holding and for being such an enabler. I love you both ♥ (The title is from Rivermaya's "Balisong")
"I think I'm going to fall in love with him."
Jongin blinks a few times and shifts in his position a bit. He's out in the field today, and the edge of the goal post feels cool on his skin. He's exactly seven minutes away from the practice room. Five in the morning is an ungoldy hour to be lying half-awake on the grass, but it's the only break he's able to catch. He works hard during practices, works even harder during the extra runs he does when everyone else is gone. Times are tough, after all - he simply cannot allow himself to sluggishly perform in the background.
Yixing shares the same sentiments, and his company proves to be surprisingly comforting at this hour.
"Who?" Jongin asks, voice laden with exhaustion.
"Lu Han." A pregnant pause, then more words from Yixing. "I'm going to fall in love with him."
Jongin looks to his side, then rolls over when Yixing shuts his eyes tight. He sees the trace of worry, the fatigue pulling down the corners of Yixing's lips. "Didn't you just meet him," he asks, then belatedly notices the bitter undertone, "Like, three weeks ago or something."
"Yeah, but- I don't love him now, but I know I'm going to. I don't know when; I just know it'll happen."
Jongin grunts in reply.
"Crazy, huh?"
He doesn't answer. Instead, he closes his eyes, pretends to have drifted off somewhere between Yixing's sloppy confession and his bitter remark. He chokes up a couple of snores for effect. The sun's beginning to rise and there's a comfortable kind of warmth all around. Yixing's humming something Jongin has never heard before. Jongin sinks into the comfort that the moment offers until much later, when Yixing picks him, wraps one of his arms around Jongin's neck, and lifts him.
The mind is awake but the body is weak. His heart is even weaker.
It's not exactly by chance that Yixing and Jongin became friends. Jongin had been training with SM far longer than most trainees save for Joonmyun, and he had always been regarded for his dancing skills by most, despised for it by even more; Yixing was the newcomer, the challenger, and of course they'd be shuffled in the same dance classes to be pit against each other. It was only a matter of time until they were put in the same group to perform on the same stage.
"You'll have to get along with him, y'know," Joonmyun said. "Just- go and talk to the kid. He looks lost."
"I don't care."
"Don't be an ass. Now go, befriend him."
Jongin slowly got up, grumpy and grumbling. He approached Yixing with a tentative smile, and, "Hey. You were great out there. You learn fast."
Yixing chuckled. "Thanks," he replied. Jongin could hear still hear hints of his accent. "You were great, too."
It wasn't until a few days later that Jongin was able to pry Yixing open and get him to talk, and with Chanyeol's help even - Chanyeol, whose effortless ways of being friendly and generally approachable had drawn so many people to him and, in effect, to their tiny circle of friends. Joonmyun didn't really mind it; Jongin was probably the only one who did, but Yixing was a welcome addition to the group.
"Y'know, when I was starting out at SM, I was shy just like you!"
Joonmyun choked on his samgyupsal.
"Don't listen to him," Jongin quipped. "He's lying. He's been an ass since day one."
And then it happened - Yixing's eyes crinkled and Jongin caught sight of the surge of color to Yixing's eyes, his cheeks, his skin. Yixing erupted into a peal of laughter. He laughed until he was wheezing, gasping for breath, and Jongin kept his grip on the glass of water tight and firm, ready for when Yixing finally caught his breath again.
"You're funny," Yixing said in between gasps and chuckles. "I like you."
Jongin's eyes widened. "Um, thanks," he mumbled, and focused his eyes back on the plate in front of him, focused his attention on the poor piece of pork forgotten in favour of Yixing's simple, careless words.
I'm going to fall in love with him, Jongin repeats in his mind as he goes through the routine, this time without Yixing. Yixing's voice becomes louder with every passing second, much louder than the backing track.
I just know it'll happen.
"He's adorable," Yixing says while Jongin packs up after practice.
Jongin looks over his shoulder and finds Yixing doing the same, only with a bigger smile on his lips. He watches the smile widen even more, and he walks closer to Yixing to examine it. "Uh-huh."
Yixing laughs a little, then bites the inside of his cheek. "He loves getting chummy with me and he loves skinship and all that." Yixing pokes his bag before looking at Jongin. "Lunch? You're hungry, right? C'mon!"
Later, Jongin finds out that Yixing is eager to get his afternoon meal because Lu Han comes to the cafeteria at 12 noon, not because he's actually hungry or as a display of concern for the welfare of Jongin's stomach. He watches from the other side of the table as Minseok chews his food - tofu, for the third straight day this week - feigning satisfaction as he says, "Mm. Delicious." He watches Lu Han raise a slice of beef in Minseok's general direction and ask, "Do you want some of my beef?" He watches Yixing's eyes travel from Lu Han to Minseok and back, watches as Yixing averts his gaze, as Lu Han slips an arm around Minseok's shoulder to pull him close.
There are people cheering outside, just beyond the glass window. Jongin cringes, and he can't tell if Yixing is spacing out or passing out from all the extra practice he's been doing - maybe even both. He reaches under the table for Yixing's hand and Yixing suddenly jerks, because is Sehun speaking louder than usual, loud enough for the whole table to hear, "That looks good."
Jongin blinks twice and adjusts his vision, recalibrates his senses.
"Yeah." Lu Han leans in and feeds Sehun with his chopsticks.
Yixing bolts and announces, "I'll catch some extra practice."
Lu Han looks at Yixing tentatively before saying, "Um, okay. See you later?" Jongin doesn't follow Yixing, only looks over his shoulder and goes back to finishing his food a few seconds after. If Yixing needs company, all he ever needs to do is ask.
Jongin excuses himself early, anyway.
He checks every practice room but finds Yixing walking down the hall, emerging from the comfort room. "Hiding," he says, calling out, and Yixing looks at him long enough before offering a smile.
"Not anymore."
They go through the routine a few more times, until Yixing decides to speak up, slumping against the mirror of the practice room. "I hate him, but I hate myself more," Yixing says, breathy, and buries his face in his hands as he continues, "God, how can I even hate Minseok-"
"You don't hate Minseok-hyung. You're just jealous."
Yixing scowls at Jongin. "Thanks."
Jongin moves closer to Yixing and slips an arm around his shoulder. It's a bit uncomfortable, his arm getting smushed between Yixing's body and the cold mirror, but Yixing's head is a perfect fit in the crook of his neck, and feeling Yixing's dissatisfied exhale against his skin provides the weirdest sort of comfort.
"He's starving himself. The least I could do is not hate him."
"And the best you could do is shut up."
Yixing giggles. Jongin is ticklish in every part that Yixing makes contact with. "Fuck you," Yixing says, playful yet half serious, so Jongin follows his own advice and just cherishes the few seconds that Yixing just thinks of Jongin's lack of tact, thinks of this, and has his mind off of Lu Han.
Lu Han has had a rough day.
Not that Jongin cares, but he cares enough about Yixing to probe and ask why Yixing's wearing a long face, or why he's missing a beat, a half-step, tripping on his own feet. "Lunch. Skipped it," Yixing mumbles in response, and Jongin knows it's more of a knee-jerk reaction than an excuse.
"How's Lu Han-hyung?"
"Awful," Yixing replies, almost automatically. His lips are pressed together in a tight-lipped frown. "Bad day. Got into an argument."
"With you?"
Yixing scoffs. "He hardly does anything with me these days."
"Minseok-hyung, then."
It's more of a statement than a question, but Yixing nods anyway. Yixing says no more, possibly expecting Jongin to take a hint, to get it, and Jongin does, except he feels like being an absolute douche and a good friend today. So he punches Yixing lightly on the arm, earning a yelp.
"What?"
"You're jealous," Jongin says. He chuckles a little. It's fun to see the discomfort along the lines of Yixing's jaw, the twitch of his eye, the quiver of his lips. "It's happening, huh? Premonition?"
Yixing parts his lips, lets his mouth hang agape for a while, then shuts it again.
Jongin takes a step forward, then back, then forward again. It's this part of this friendship that he hates - waltzing around, waiting for Yixing to speak up, to beg, to ask for help. "Acceptance makes everything easier," he tells Yixing, then rushes when Yixing winces a little, "hyung." Being a good friend is a combination of knowing when to call out a friend on his shit, and knowing when to relieve said friend of shit. It's a package deal.
"But he likes Minseok-hyung."
Jongin bites the inside of his cheek. The taste of blood catches on his tongue. "Doesn't mean you can't like him."
"I know I said before that I'll probably fall in love with him but- I just-"
Yixing stares, holds his breath, and the waiting game begins again. Just before Jongin decides to turn around and leave Yixing to his thoughts, Yixing mumbles, "I counted wrong. I- I never count wrong," so Jongin quickly looks over his shoulder, counts to ten as Yixing's lips quiver.
"Acceptance," Jongin repeats, this time in a voice so soft he can barely hear himself, and there's a familiar surge of color in Yixing's eyes, face, skin. Yixing looks at him, something akin to realization in his features, then walks past him.
The door shuts with a 'click', the softest Jongin has heard in a while.
In between attempting to console Yixing and trying to prove himself to the management, Jongin daydreams. He daydreams about having a solo career as an RnB singer, about driving around in a hot red sportscar, not thinking of anything but the road ahead. He daydreams about having a picnic with Yixing because Yixing is just as good as a comfortable kind of silence, maybe even better.
He dreams of having Yixing by his side all the time.
"So what do I do now?" Yixing asks out of the blue. They're out in the field again; it has become their hideout of sorts, even if they're out in the open. They spent the last thirty minutes lying flat on their backs on the grass, just staring at the sky; now, they're twirling blades of grass between their fingers. "Befriending Minseok-hyung just makes everything worse."
"Telling him that he shouldn't starve himself isn't befriending him," Jongin replies. It's the least bit helpful, but Yixing wants honesty more than anything else in this world.
"Should I avoid him?" Yixing worries his lower lip a little. "Lu Han-ge, I mean."
Jongin swallows the bitter laughter threatening to fall from his lips. This can go two ways - he can tell Yixing that yes, avoiding Lu Han probably is the best thing to do because Yixing always listens to him and to his bad ideas, or he can also tell Yixing that running away from this won't solve anything. Alternatively, he can just shrug and whisper to the wind, "I don't know."
He exhales loudly. "What do you think?"
"I think I hate my life right now."
"Could've been worse," Jongin says, joking, and this elicits laughter from Yixing.
He might not have given Yixing a good answer, but this is as good as it gets.
Yixing ends up avoiding Lu Han like the plague.
It's an off-putting sight because Yixing and Lu Han fit each other like peas in a pod. Yixing isn't Yixing without bits and pieces of Lu Han in him, and right now he looks more miserable than simply tired or exhausted. His breathing is heavy after they go through the routine for the second time - Yixing rarely ever has to catch his breath during dance practice.
Maybe he isn't practicing as much as he has to. Maybe he has forgotten to breathe.
"I'm going to die," Chanyeol says, raising his hand and pretending to drown in a wave of fatigue. From where Jongin is, Chanyeol just looks as if he's losing balance.
"I'm already dead," Yixing chimes. Jongin sees Lu Han quickly shifting his attention from his swollen toe to Yixing. "I can't do this anymore."
"Need help?" Lu Han asks from the other side of the room.
Yixing gulps down hard. "Should we call it a day?"
There's a look of relief in Joonmyun features, and a smile surfaces on his lips as he says, "Bless you, Zhang Yixing."
Yixing's grinning from ear to ear. It's mildly disconcerting because Jongin can almost see the grin ripping through Yixing's features, tearing Yixing apart. So he calls out to no one in particular, "Let's eat?", effectively buying time for Yixing to let his features falter, to take off that stupid grin.
"Joonmyun-hyung's treat!"
"But I always pay for your food."
Chanyeol chuckles and snakes an arm around Joonmyun's shoulder. "That's why you're my favorite hyung."
Yixing laughs a little. It's spontaneous, unlike the grin he was wearing minutes ago. Lu Han's shoulders are tense, and there's a bit of worry in the way he furrows his eyebrows. Jongin takes a few steps forward, closer to where the door is, and motions for everyone to get a move on, to get going before Joonmyun even changes his mind.
Yixing's hand finds a perfect fit in his when they collide.
Lu Han trails behind.
"Are you avoiding me?"
Jongin doesn't mean to hear it, but Lu Han's voice is loud enough for someone just outside the door to hear. Jongin looks around for an audience, then presses his ear close to the door when he's sure that there's no one else around.
"Didn't hear you come in," someone who sounds a lot like Yixing says. Jongin can barely make out the statement, with how faint and soft the voice is.
"My question," Lu Han says, this time with finality. "Are you ignoring me?"
There's silence for a while, some rustling of the sheets, and Jongin's prepared to leave anytime now because eavesdropping is wrong, moreso eavesdropping on a conversation between Yixing and Lu Han.
"Why would you think that?"
"It's kind of obvious," Lu Han replies. Jongin chuckles - Lu Han is ruthless, even more than Jongin is when he feels like being an absolute douche. "I mean, you are the closest person to me in the company, after all."
Liar, Jongin wants to say. He wants to claw at the door and barge in and point an accusing finger at Lu Han. Liar! he wants to scream, but Yixing is quick to defend himself and indirectly pacify Jongin's brewing hatred for Lu Han.
"I'm not avoiding you."
"Hey Jongin, what's up?"
Jongin almost jerks in surprise, but successfully masks his moment of weakness with a look of fatigue dressed in an empty stare. "Huh?" he says, feigning confusion, and Minseok just shrugs, mumbles something about weird kids and their weird ways and god, why am I hungry again before Zitao shuffles him inside their room, hands on Minseok's shoulders as if maneuvering a train.
By the time Zitao shuts the door behind him, Yixing emerges from the room he shares with Lu Han. Yixing walks past him, but Jongin doesn't hold it against Yixing because Yixing's got his eyes fixed on the floor, the expanse of space in front of him, anything but Jongin. When Yixing's looking for something, he always looks lost, but he never seeks guidance until he's exhausted all of his resources.
So Jongin walks away - from the room, from the thought of following Yixing, from his own thoughts - and tucks himself in bed, drawing the blanket over his head in an effort to drown out the noise.
But the voice in his head just keeps saying Yixing Yixing Yixing.
"I talked to him about it."
Jongin rolls over and lies flat on his stomach so that he's facing Yixing. He doesn't speak, just nods slowly as if urging Yixing to go on, and props a pillow under his arms. He studies the look on Yixing's face for a while, one that tells him that Yixing's struggling to find the right words for this, and briefly wonders why Yixing's struggling at all.
"I talked to Minseok-ge... about Lu Han-ge."
Jongin catches the change in the way Yixing addresses Minseok and furrows his eyebrows a little. Yixing settles on the edge of his bed as he exhales loudly, crossing his legs beneath all the weight. "Well, it wasn't exactly a conversation about the thing, but I think we're better now."
"Better isn't any better than good."
"It's progress."
Jongin rolls over again, now lying flat on his back, then pats the empty space beside him. Yixing collapses soon after, then curls up close, maybe too close, because Jongin can feel Yixing's breath on his skin, tickling him, pricking him. "He needs Ge more than I do, y'know. I mean, I need Lu Han-ge, but Minseok-ge needs him more now, maybe forever."
Because you have me? Jongin wants to ask, but he bites the inside of his cheek and replies, instead, "Because you're an independent kid?"
"Yeah, that. And-"
Yixing stares at the ceiling, the clouds painted on it, the soft blue hue of the walls. Jongin just watches Yixing, the steady rise and fall of his chest, the way he switches between pursing his lips and biting on his lower lip. He wonders how it would be to take Yixing in his arms and bury Yixing's face in his chest and kiss Yixing, if it'll feel so good or bad or weird because friends don't kiss each other, much less on a bed. And he just keeps wondering because Yixing's still staring - into oblivion, at the expanse of space before him, at anything but Jongin.
Sometimes, Jongin thinks he slips into some of Yixing's trances.
In one of the visions, there is Yixing rushing to the gate of Lu Han's university, a box of chocolates in one hand and a bouquet of flowers in the other. Jongin sees himself, hears himself whispering in Yixing's ear, "Flowers, not chocolates. He counts calories, remember?" and Yixing quickly stuffs the box of chocolates in Jongin's bag. Jongin counts the seconds until Lu Han enters the scene - exactly ten; Yixing is right, he's always right - and quickly slips away, looking over his shoulder only when he's sure that Yixing and Lu Han are no longer in sight.
Sometimes, he wonders if Yixing ever notices him sharing the same visions. He wonders if Yixing notices anything at all.
("Does it bother you," Joonmyun asks one time.
Jongin has just finished doing a pirouette when Joonmyun asks the question. He stumbles a little, highly uncanny, and tries to make the whole misstep as graceful as possible doing another pirouette. "Does what bother me," he replies, eyes focused on his feet instead of Joonmyun.
Joonmyun scoffs. "Yixing and Lu Han. C'mon, you can drop the act. It's just me."
Jongin remembers saying the exact same phrase a few weeks back to Yixing, albeit not through words but through a dance. Then Yixing ended up spurting sentences upon sentences about his fondness for Lu Han, the peculiar link they had, and the way Lu Han looked at Minseok with the same amount of fondness. "Shit happens," he remembers his mind saying. His body's response was to pat Yixing on the back and give Yixing a small smile.
"It gets better."
Jongin takes a deep breath, musters a smile before turning to Joonmyun to face the inevitable. "They're debuting in the same group."
"We're debuting in the same group."
"It doesn't get better than that, does it?"
Joonmyun heaves a sigh and inches closer, just enough for Jongin to feel a familiar warmth around his shoulder. "Shit happens," Joonmyun says, voice barely above a whisper, then rushes, "to the best of us."
Jongin chuckles and bites back the bitter laughter at the tip of his tongue. It's lonely at the top, most people say; Jongin believes it's much a happier place if you just try hard enough.)
It's the night before their debut stage. Joonmyun had told everyone to get enough rest, but Jongin's got too much energy to even let his body calm down. He plays a familiar song in his head - possibly a mash-up of History and MAMA that, strangely enough, sounds pretty good - and the beeps his phone is giving off somehow fall in harmony with the tune.
Big day tomorrow, Yixing says over text. Trust Yixing to state the obvious.
Jongin scoffs and hastily types, Lol go to sleep, then slips his phone beneath his pillow. He counts to ten until his phone sounds off, another ten for a text possibly justifying Yixing's previous message, and then another that probably says Yixing's finally going to bed and We're gonna blow everyone away tomorrow. Jongin has memorized Yixing like the back of his hand, and he claws at his skin, stares at the red blotches he has created, then laughs a little.
He pulls the covers over his head and ignores the stinging pain. It will die down in a while, anyway. What's important is for him to get enough rest.
It's a big day tomorrow, after all.
Three weeks, four days, fifteen hours and, give or take, some forty-eight minutes after, things haven't changed. Much. Jongdae still leaves the sweetest good luck messages. Zitao makes sure to remind them to get enough rest, and Kris always tells Joonmyun to be generous with words of encouragement whenever he could. Minseok still makes it a point to remind them to grab fortune cookies from time to time, and Yixing and Lu Han are supportive of Minseok's endeavour.
Jongin's getting used to this.
It's the first break they've gotten the whole day, the first time Jongin's checking his phone since the start of the session. Busy day, Yixing says over text. Crazy. Missed a question again. Should have "accidentally" hit Kris-ge in the face instead, he says as a follow up, and Jongin lays his phone flat on the floor, face down, when Joonmyun asks why he's laughing and giggling and why he isn't where he's supposed to be.
"Please let this be the last run," Sehun says, complaining.
"Alert the press; maknae can actually feel pain!"
Baekhyun cackles as Sehun strangles him, and Joonmyun lays all attempts at making sense of this chaos to rest. Chanyeol's laughing at the two silly, and Kyungsoo joins not too long after because Sehun's got Baekhyun stunned in a headlock, and Baekhyun's gasping for air, saying, "Meeeelting!"
Jongin glances at his phone when it sounds off. Two more messages from Yixing, possibly of the latter complaining about the insane amount of work and Kris being a prick and Lu Han's milk tea being too sweet. He lays it face down again and finally gets up, walks to where everybody else is, and kicks Sehun in the butt.
Joonmyun shoots a suspicious glance at him, and Jongin just winks.
Yixing and Lu Han are miles away and he has no way of knowing what's happening, but he's fairly certain of what the turn of events might be - Yixing will move on, Lu Han will continue being fond of Minseok because Minseok is Minseok. Jongin trusts Yixing because Yixing's gut feel has never been wrong.
Before leaving for China, Yixing told him, "Happiness comes after much heartbreak, of yours and others. Keep the faith - that's what Minseok-ge's fortune said."
"And what did yours say," he asked.
Yixing laughed a little. "Not for you to know. But here's yours."
Jongin reaches down, ruffling Sehun's hair, and Sehun loosens the headlock in favour of grabbing Jongin by the collar and saying, sneering, "Don't mess with my hair, Kai."
Shit happens. Make the most out of it, Jongin repeats in his head until he hears it in Yixing's voice, in Lu Han's, in Joonmyun's, in his own. There's a juvenile sort of ring to it, but he is still young and fresh and maybe a bit stupid.
They've only just debuted, anyway. He's still got a lot to learn.