Today has inspired me
There was drama today. Not unusual for the group of people in question. But it has caused me to distil into language my philosophy on life. So I figured I'd write it up.
We are all raised to believe a good person helps others, would give them the shirt off their own back if need be. A good person doesn't lie, doesn't cheat, doesn't steal, isn't selfish or self-centered, isn't egotistical or pompous or arrogant, is humble... The list goes on and on. But the definition of a "good person" by society's standard is actually pretty damned hard to achieve. Nevertheless, I know some truly good people, and I am honoured to call them friends.
I, however, am not a good person. I was abused all through my growing up, and even through much of my adult life by people. I grew up extremely poor, and an outcast because of choices my parents had made long before I was outcast for my own choices. Someone in that environment cannot be a good person.
I am extremely selfish, you see. I do nice things for people because I like being happy. And it makes me happy when I am surrounded by people who like and respect me. And doing nice things for people, educating them, helping them causes them to be happy, to like me, and to respect me. Thus, through so doing, I am satisfying my desires.
When I tell stories about my childhood and the pain I've endured, it isn't a plea for sympathy. No one who knows thinks what was done to me is ok. And the old wounds hurt, trust me. But that isn't a plea for sympathy either.
People say we each have our own cross to bear. Christian imagery aside, it's very true in my mind. I have suffered through some amazingly difficult hardships, and been broken by some of them in ways that will never be fixed. However, the load I bear on my shoulders will never be more heavy than I can bear. When it threatens, my friends and family and loved ones support me, and help me develop the strength I need to continue carrying my burden. I am eternally grateful and indebted to them for that, in ways that no words will ever be enough to express.
My burden, like everyone's, has a purpose. By suffering through what I have, by finding joy where I have in spite of the pain, by /surviving/, I can teach other people what I know. I can teach them to cope with similar situations and survive them. I can teach them to escape safely when escape is possible. I can teach them the repercussions of the choices I have made, the bridges I have burnt permanently to become who and what I am, so that they can make an educated decision about whether they want to do similar. And, most rewarding is when I can teach someone the choices my abusers made and those outcomes, so that they don't make the same choices. If I can spare someone what I've endured through this education, if I can help them survive and endure, if I can help them develop their strength and voice, then I have won.
For that reason, I am grateful for what I have lived. I do not appreciate what I had to suffer through with gratitude, but I am grateful that I have this opportunity to make the world a better place because of it. I am grateful that, although I am not a good person, I can help someone else not be forced into the same kind of mentality, so that they can be "good."
I am proud of who I am. I am imperfect, but I am well educated, I have a good job I enjoy and am good at, I am proud of who I am. I love myself. I hope that I can help you to love yourself too, not in spite of what you have done and been through, but because of it. "He who has saved one man, it is as if he has saved the world." Like most people, I just want to save the world.
That isn't too much to ask, right?
We are all raised to believe a good person helps others, would give them the shirt off their own back if need be. A good person doesn't lie, doesn't cheat, doesn't steal, isn't selfish or self-centered, isn't egotistical or pompous or arrogant, is humble... The list goes on and on. But the definition of a "good person" by society's standard is actually pretty damned hard to achieve. Nevertheless, I know some truly good people, and I am honoured to call them friends.
I, however, am not a good person. I was abused all through my growing up, and even through much of my adult life by people. I grew up extremely poor, and an outcast because of choices my parents had made long before I was outcast for my own choices. Someone in that environment cannot be a good person.
I am extremely selfish, you see. I do nice things for people because I like being happy. And it makes me happy when I am surrounded by people who like and respect me. And doing nice things for people, educating them, helping them causes them to be happy, to like me, and to respect me. Thus, through so doing, I am satisfying my desires.
When I tell stories about my childhood and the pain I've endured, it isn't a plea for sympathy. No one who knows thinks what was done to me is ok. And the old wounds hurt, trust me. But that isn't a plea for sympathy either.
People say we each have our own cross to bear. Christian imagery aside, it's very true in my mind. I have suffered through some amazingly difficult hardships, and been broken by some of them in ways that will never be fixed. However, the load I bear on my shoulders will never be more heavy than I can bear. When it threatens, my friends and family and loved ones support me, and help me develop the strength I need to continue carrying my burden. I am eternally grateful and indebted to them for that, in ways that no words will ever be enough to express.
My burden, like everyone's, has a purpose. By suffering through what I have, by finding joy where I have in spite of the pain, by /surviving/, I can teach other people what I know. I can teach them to cope with similar situations and survive them. I can teach them to escape safely when escape is possible. I can teach them the repercussions of the choices I have made, the bridges I have burnt permanently to become who and what I am, so that they can make an educated decision about whether they want to do similar. And, most rewarding is when I can teach someone the choices my abusers made and those outcomes, so that they don't make the same choices. If I can spare someone what I've endured through this education, if I can help them survive and endure, if I can help them develop their strength and voice, then I have won.
For that reason, I am grateful for what I have lived. I do not appreciate what I had to suffer through with gratitude, but I am grateful that I have this opportunity to make the world a better place because of it. I am grateful that, although I am not a good person, I can help someone else not be forced into the same kind of mentality, so that they can be "good."
I am proud of who I am. I am imperfect, but I am well educated, I have a good job I enjoy and am good at, I am proud of who I am. I love myself. I hope that I can help you to love yourself too, not in spite of what you have done and been through, but because of it. "He who has saved one man, it is as if he has saved the world." Like most people, I just want to save the world.
That isn't too much to ask, right?