FIC! Barely rated PG, but it's still fic-like.
TITLE: This Is Growing Up
AUTHOR: Wendy (oomegalomaniac)
FANDOM: Panic
Warning: Ryan and Spencer are 14 and 13 in this story. There is no sexing, just kissing. (I have a line!)
Now with proper-casing and a lot of extra words and sentences! :D
Title and cut text from "Dammit" by blink-182.
When Spencer gets home from stupid 4-H camp, he calls Ryan and they meet at the park, by the skate ramp. No one is there because it's August in Las Vegas and stupid hot out. He and Spencer crawl under the ramp and split a bottle of water that Spencer's mom sent. Ryan has one in his backpack too, but he'd rather drink Spencer's - his mom buys the good water, and all Ryan does is refill a plastic bottle over and over again from the tap.
Spencer spends a lot of time telling him about how dumb the camp was, that it was mostly girls, and all they wanted to talk about was horses and braiding lanyards - "They kept making me these pink ones," he says, rolling his eyes, but Ryan thinks a pink lanyard would look good against Spencer's skin - and how to make the best s'mores.
"We roasted a lot of marshmallows, too," he says. "Every night there was a campfire, even though it was hot as - as shit." Spencer's only started cursing this summer, and only where his mom and dad and sisters can't hear, so he's not really comfortable with the words yet. But Ryan doesn't make fun of him at all.
"And every time I'd roast a marshmallow for one of them, she'd kiss me." He rolls his eyes again.
"They kissed you?" Ryan says. "I don't believe you at all."
Spencer scoffs at him. "You're just jealous because no girls want to kiss you."
"I don't want to kiss any stupid girls. You're a liar anyway." Ryan puts the bottle of water down.
"You would too want to kiss a girl. You wouldn't even know what to do." Spencer makes this face, like he's squinting his eyes and clenching his teeth. It's the face he's been making when his mom comes in to remind them to go to sleep before midnight on school nights, or when his sisters are annoying. Ryan doesn't like it being leveled at him.
"Oh yeah?" Ryan curls his lip. "You're ugly. Why would a girl want to kiss you?"
"You're skinny and annoying." Spencer folds his arms over his chest. "I can't believe you think I'm lying about something as stupid as kissing girls."
Ryan takes a deep breath to say something horrible - as horrible as he can think of - but Spencer kicks over the bottle of water and scrambles out of the crawlspace under the ramp, and walks away, kicking at the skateboard they'd left in the sun, the one he'd let Ryan borrow while he was away at camp.
--
That night, Ryan comes over with the skateboard. He rings the bell and everything, instead of climbing into Spencer's room through the window like he usually does. Last year Spencer's parents had even switched rooms with him, so that Spencer could have more privacy - but really Ryan thinks it's because him and Spencer kept them awake all weekend and it was quieter in the room next to the twins' room.
That made it way easier for Ryan to sneak into the house late at night, anyway.
When Spencer's mom answers the door, she looks at him kind of funny, but Spencer would never tell her that they were fighting. Or maybe he would. Ryan doesn't know; they've never had a fight like this before. But Spencer's mom doesn't say anything to him except, "I'll call your father and let him know you're staying here tonight."
Ryan hadn't actually been planning to stay, but staying was better than going home. Unless Spencer was going to kick him out for calling Spencer ugly. He hadn't meant to. It was just... it made his stomach hurt to think about Spencer kissing people. Ryan hadn't kissed anyone yet, and he was a
year older. He should be the one kissing people. But girls didn't like him, because he was always telling them that they were wrong and stupid.
But they were wrong and stupid.
Girls should all be more like Spencer. Then Ryan would want to kiss them.
Not that he really thought about kissing Spencer a lot. Sometimes he did, but - but - but if Spencer was going to be kissing someone, it should be Ryan. Not a girl he didn't even know. Ryan knew everything about him. Those girls didn't know anything.
Spencer's bedroom door is closed, and Ryan doesn't want to go in, but he also doesn't want to stand in the hall with Spencer's mom behind him and everything. So he pushes open the door.
Spencer's lying on his bed with his face in his pillow. He lifts his head up just enough to yell, "Mom, go away, I told you -"
"It's me," says Ryan. He puts the skateboard down, drops his backpack on top of it, and closes the door. Spencer's not even listening to blink-182 or anything, and the latch sounds really loud in the silence.
"Go away." Spencer puts his face back into the pillow. Ryan thinks he might be crying or something, which is weird. He never... Spencer doesn't cry. Spencer is tough. Spencer doesn't cry when people are mean to him, or when he falls off the skateboard. They've just started to learn to play instruments back at Christmas, so they can play blink-182 songs and become famous, and Spencer doesn't even cry when pieces of his skin fall off his hands and they bleed. He just grits his teeth and bangs harder on the drums.
"You're so stupid," Ryan says. It's not what he wants to say, but Spencer is crying. "You're such an idiot."
Spencer sits up. He cut his hair really short and dyed it black right before he left for camp, in protest, to show that his soul would die if he had to spend a week at camp without Ryan. But his mom just laughed and said it would grow out. Ryan kind of likes it. It makes Spencer's hair look really shiny, and his skin really pale. Ryan always just looks like he's about to get sick and die when his hair is darker.
"Yeah, I am stupid. Only an idiot would be friends with you," Spencer spits out, and Ryan cringes back.
"That's not what I meant," he says, and opens his mouth to say something else, but he can't figure out what. The words just aren't there. He thinks about the way he feels when he's listening to blink-182, like they're saying everything he feels about growing up and things changing. It's like "Dammit" was written about him personally. If he could write everything down before he says it, like the way songs are written down, everything would make more sense, he's sure of it. But he can't say that to Spencer, even though it's totally how he feels.
Spencer is frowning. "Whatever," he says.
"Just -" Ryan walks slowly over to Spencer's bed, and sits on the floor next to it so that Spencer has to look down at him. He saw that in a movie once, or maybe it was a soap opera? He's pretty sure it makes him look vulnerable, and maybe if he looks vulnerable, Spencer will feel bad for being pissed at him.
"You just what, jerk? You just called me ugly and a liar and now you want to tell me I'm a bad drummer too?" But Spencer's leaning forward a little.
"No - I just -" And Ryan just leans up and then they're kissing, with their lips mushed together. Kissing each other. The way it should be, with no one else involved.
Spencer pulls back, though, and sneers at him. "What, you want to practice on me so that wen some girl comes, you'll know what to do with her? You want me to show you what girls like?"
Ryan wants to die. His face is hot and he feels awful and he's going to throw up. "I don't want to kiss any girls!" he yells, and then he's standing up and running out of Spencer's room and away from Spencer's mom and dad and out of their perfect house and across their perfect front yard and away from their perfect lives.
--
Ryan is lying on the curve of the ramp when Spencer comes walking up slowly. Ryan can hear him crunch on the gravel. Spencer is holding something in his hands, and as he gets closer, Ryan realizes that it's two Caf-Pows. He sits up, but turns his head away so that he doesn't have to look at Spencer. He is actually dying of thirst - even though it's dark out, it's still really hot, and Ryan left his backpack on Spencer's floor, so he didn't have any water. Or any sunblock, and his nose burned while the sun was setting.
Spencer sits down next to him on the ramp and puts one of the Caf-Pows near him. Ryan watches from under his bangs as Spencer sips on his straw, and thinks about how he kissed Spencer. He kissed Spencer and Spencer pushed him away.
"Drink it, you ass," Spencer finally says. "It's been, like, three hours."
Ryan picks up the cold drink with a shaky hand and takes a sip. It is amazing, like eating Spencer's dad's waffles on a Saturday morning after him and Spencer stayed up all night playing video games and talking about how it's obvious Mark and Tom and Travis are best friends.
"You're late then," he says to Spencer.
"Yeah, well, I thought you'd come back eventually. Ass."
"I can't believe your mom and dad let you walk here after dark." Ryan was almost fifteen, but Spencer wasn't even fourteen yet.
"Dad drove me. He's sitting in the car in the parking lot." Spencer takes a long sip of Caf-Pow. They're usually not allowed to drink caffeine after noon. That doesn't stop them, but Spencer's parents must be really worried if Spencer's dad actually bought them Caf-Pows. Ryan doesn't say anything, so Spencer shrugs. "My mom was worried."
"Right. Your mom." Ryan looks at Spencer from under his bangs again. They're getting really long, but Ryan kind of likes them that way. He can hide, and no one can see what he's really thinking. "I'm. Sorry. I - I don't - don't hate me, okay? I'm a total asshole and I know it and I don't mean to be but it just happens, you know? Because I forget sometimes that you're -"
"Stupid?" suggests Spencer, but he doesn't sound mad anymore. "Ugly? A liar?"
"Not inside my head the way it feels like you are." Ryan has totally practiced this speech. He typed it out into, like, fifteen text messages, but deleted them all instead of sending them. He knew Spencer would eventually come. Well, he hoped Spencer would eventually come. This is where they'd met up the last time they had a fight; Ryan knew Spencer would remember, even though it had been like five years ago.
"I wish you were inside my head. Then you'd know that kissing is boring." Spencer rolls his eyes. "Kissing is totally overrated most of the time."
"Only most of the time?" Ryan tries to smile. Maybe Spencer had a crush on a girl. In that case, Ryan would be strong and be his friend through the whole thing, and not even say "I told you so" when the girl broke his head and left him.
"Yeah." Spencer's fiddling with his straw. It's going to split, and then he's going to complain until Ryan lets him have his straw, and then when Ryan tries to drink from the cup, the ice will crash against his face and the soda will spill everywhere.
It's happened once or twice.
"So - there's -" Ryan feels his stomach clenching again. This can't be good for his health. "There's a girl you like kissing?" When Ryan lifts his head up, Spencer is staring at him.
"No," he says. Then he puts his Caf-Pow down. "But you can practice kissing on me, if you want."
"Practice?" repeats Ryan, because it sounds like Spencer thinks Ryan likes a girl, and that isn't true. Maybe Spencer didn't get it. Sometimes it's not a big deal that Ryan is older, but sometimes Spencer doesn't know certain things - like when he didn't know that tuna was a swimming fish, not just something you eat. So maybe he doesn't know that there are guys who like to kiss other guys all the time, and that Ryan is probably one of those guys.
Ryan knows all about it, because back when Spencer liked the Backstreet Boys, Ryan looked them up on the internet and found these stories. He didn't show them to Spencer. Spencer, he figured, probably liked girls only and would think they were stupid.
"Yeah," says Spencer, in a tone that implies that Ryan is the stupid one. "For when we grow up and kiss each other all the time." Then he adds on, "Dumbass."
Ryan grins and feels like he's going to throw up again, but in a good way this time. "Probably when we grow up, I won't want to kiss you all the time."
Spencer's face falls, and Ryan feels like the worst jerk.
"I mean," he continues hastily, "that probably we'll spend a lot of time being rich and famous, and only kiss when we want to have sex or something." He says the word "sex" as casually as he can, even though his heart is racing, because maybe Spencer just wants to kiss. He knows Spencer knows what sex is, and that sometimes Spencer jerks off in the bathroom before they go to sleep - but he's not sure if Spencer knows that two guys can have sex. Like together.
But Spencer's smile is bright under the light that stands off to the side of the ramp. "Yeah," he agrees. "That's the way grownups do it, I guess."
And then he leans forward and mushes their lips together so that he and Ryan are kissing again, and it's even nicer this time, because Ryan is pretty sure that Spencer only wants to kiss him, and since he only wants to kiss Spencer, that works out pretty well.
AUTHOR: Wendy (oomegalomaniac)
FANDOM: Panic
Warning: Ryan and Spencer are 14 and 13 in this story. There is no sexing, just kissing. (I have a line!)
Now with proper-casing and a lot of extra words and sentences! :D
Title and cut text from "Dammit" by blink-182.
When Spencer gets home from stupid 4-H camp, he calls Ryan and they meet at the park, by the skate ramp. No one is there because it's August in Las Vegas and stupid hot out. He and Spencer crawl under the ramp and split a bottle of water that Spencer's mom sent. Ryan has one in his backpack too, but he'd rather drink Spencer's - his mom buys the good water, and all Ryan does is refill a plastic bottle over and over again from the tap.
Spencer spends a lot of time telling him about how dumb the camp was, that it was mostly girls, and all they wanted to talk about was horses and braiding lanyards - "They kept making me these pink ones," he says, rolling his eyes, but Ryan thinks a pink lanyard would look good against Spencer's skin - and how to make the best s'mores.
"We roasted a lot of marshmallows, too," he says. "Every night there was a campfire, even though it was hot as - as shit." Spencer's only started cursing this summer, and only where his mom and dad and sisters can't hear, so he's not really comfortable with the words yet. But Ryan doesn't make fun of him at all.
"And every time I'd roast a marshmallow for one of them, she'd kiss me." He rolls his eyes again.
"They kissed you?" Ryan says. "I don't believe you at all."
Spencer scoffs at him. "You're just jealous because no girls want to kiss you."
"I don't want to kiss any stupid girls. You're a liar anyway." Ryan puts the bottle of water down.
"You would too want to kiss a girl. You wouldn't even know what to do." Spencer makes this face, like he's squinting his eyes and clenching his teeth. It's the face he's been making when his mom comes in to remind them to go to sleep before midnight on school nights, or when his sisters are annoying. Ryan doesn't like it being leveled at him.
"Oh yeah?" Ryan curls his lip. "You're ugly. Why would a girl want to kiss you?"
"You're skinny and annoying." Spencer folds his arms over his chest. "I can't believe you think I'm lying about something as stupid as kissing girls."
Ryan takes a deep breath to say something horrible - as horrible as he can think of - but Spencer kicks over the bottle of water and scrambles out of the crawlspace under the ramp, and walks away, kicking at the skateboard they'd left in the sun, the one he'd let Ryan borrow while he was away at camp.
--
That night, Ryan comes over with the skateboard. He rings the bell and everything, instead of climbing into Spencer's room through the window like he usually does. Last year Spencer's parents had even switched rooms with him, so that Spencer could have more privacy - but really Ryan thinks it's because him and Spencer kept them awake all weekend and it was quieter in the room next to the twins' room.
That made it way easier for Ryan to sneak into the house late at night, anyway.
When Spencer's mom answers the door, she looks at him kind of funny, but Spencer would never tell her that they were fighting. Or maybe he would. Ryan doesn't know; they've never had a fight like this before. But Spencer's mom doesn't say anything to him except, "I'll call your father and let him know you're staying here tonight."
Ryan hadn't actually been planning to stay, but staying was better than going home. Unless Spencer was going to kick him out for calling Spencer ugly. He hadn't meant to. It was just... it made his stomach hurt to think about Spencer kissing people. Ryan hadn't kissed anyone yet, and he was a
year older. He should be the one kissing people. But girls didn't like him, because he was always telling them that they were wrong and stupid.
But they were wrong and stupid.
Girls should all be more like Spencer. Then Ryan would want to kiss them.
Not that he really thought about kissing Spencer a lot. Sometimes he did, but - but - but if Spencer was going to be kissing someone, it should be Ryan. Not a girl he didn't even know. Ryan knew everything about him. Those girls didn't know anything.
Spencer's bedroom door is closed, and Ryan doesn't want to go in, but he also doesn't want to stand in the hall with Spencer's mom behind him and everything. So he pushes open the door.
Spencer's lying on his bed with his face in his pillow. He lifts his head up just enough to yell, "Mom, go away, I told you -"
"It's me," says Ryan. He puts the skateboard down, drops his backpack on top of it, and closes the door. Spencer's not even listening to blink-182 or anything, and the latch sounds really loud in the silence.
"Go away." Spencer puts his face back into the pillow. Ryan thinks he might be crying or something, which is weird. He never... Spencer doesn't cry. Spencer is tough. Spencer doesn't cry when people are mean to him, or when he falls off the skateboard. They've just started to learn to play instruments back at Christmas, so they can play blink-182 songs and become famous, and Spencer doesn't even cry when pieces of his skin fall off his hands and they bleed. He just grits his teeth and bangs harder on the drums.
"You're so stupid," Ryan says. It's not what he wants to say, but Spencer is crying. "You're such an idiot."
Spencer sits up. He cut his hair really short and dyed it black right before he left for camp, in protest, to show that his soul would die if he had to spend a week at camp without Ryan. But his mom just laughed and said it would grow out. Ryan kind of likes it. It makes Spencer's hair look really shiny, and his skin really pale. Ryan always just looks like he's about to get sick and die when his hair is darker.
"Yeah, I am stupid. Only an idiot would be friends with you," Spencer spits out, and Ryan cringes back.
"That's not what I meant," he says, and opens his mouth to say something else, but he can't figure out what. The words just aren't there. He thinks about the way he feels when he's listening to blink-182, like they're saying everything he feels about growing up and things changing. It's like "Dammit" was written about him personally. If he could write everything down before he says it, like the way songs are written down, everything would make more sense, he's sure of it. But he can't say that to Spencer, even though it's totally how he feels.
Spencer is frowning. "Whatever," he says.
"Just -" Ryan walks slowly over to Spencer's bed, and sits on the floor next to it so that Spencer has to look down at him. He saw that in a movie once, or maybe it was a soap opera? He's pretty sure it makes him look vulnerable, and maybe if he looks vulnerable, Spencer will feel bad for being pissed at him.
"You just what, jerk? You just called me ugly and a liar and now you want to tell me I'm a bad drummer too?" But Spencer's leaning forward a little.
"No - I just -" And Ryan just leans up and then they're kissing, with their lips mushed together. Kissing each other. The way it should be, with no one else involved.
Spencer pulls back, though, and sneers at him. "What, you want to practice on me so that wen some girl comes, you'll know what to do with her? You want me to show you what girls like?"
Ryan wants to die. His face is hot and he feels awful and he's going to throw up. "I don't want to kiss any girls!" he yells, and then he's standing up and running out of Spencer's room and away from Spencer's mom and dad and out of their perfect house and across their perfect front yard and away from their perfect lives.
--
Ryan is lying on the curve of the ramp when Spencer comes walking up slowly. Ryan can hear him crunch on the gravel. Spencer is holding something in his hands, and as he gets closer, Ryan realizes that it's two Caf-Pows. He sits up, but turns his head away so that he doesn't have to look at Spencer. He is actually dying of thirst - even though it's dark out, it's still really hot, and Ryan left his backpack on Spencer's floor, so he didn't have any water. Or any sunblock, and his nose burned while the sun was setting.
Spencer sits down next to him on the ramp and puts one of the Caf-Pows near him. Ryan watches from under his bangs as Spencer sips on his straw, and thinks about how he kissed Spencer. He kissed Spencer and Spencer pushed him away.
"Drink it, you ass," Spencer finally says. "It's been, like, three hours."
Ryan picks up the cold drink with a shaky hand and takes a sip. It is amazing, like eating Spencer's dad's waffles on a Saturday morning after him and Spencer stayed up all night playing video games and talking about how it's obvious Mark and Tom and Travis are best friends.
"You're late then," he says to Spencer.
"Yeah, well, I thought you'd come back eventually. Ass."
"I can't believe your mom and dad let you walk here after dark." Ryan was almost fifteen, but Spencer wasn't even fourteen yet.
"Dad drove me. He's sitting in the car in the parking lot." Spencer takes a long sip of Caf-Pow. They're usually not allowed to drink caffeine after noon. That doesn't stop them, but Spencer's parents must be really worried if Spencer's dad actually bought them Caf-Pows. Ryan doesn't say anything, so Spencer shrugs. "My mom was worried."
"Right. Your mom." Ryan looks at Spencer from under his bangs again. They're getting really long, but Ryan kind of likes them that way. He can hide, and no one can see what he's really thinking. "I'm. Sorry. I - I don't - don't hate me, okay? I'm a total asshole and I know it and I don't mean to be but it just happens, you know? Because I forget sometimes that you're -"
"Stupid?" suggests Spencer, but he doesn't sound mad anymore. "Ugly? A liar?"
"Not inside my head the way it feels like you are." Ryan has totally practiced this speech. He typed it out into, like, fifteen text messages, but deleted them all instead of sending them. He knew Spencer would eventually come. Well, he hoped Spencer would eventually come. This is where they'd met up the last time they had a fight; Ryan knew Spencer would remember, even though it had been like five years ago.
"I wish you were inside my head. Then you'd know that kissing is boring." Spencer rolls his eyes. "Kissing is totally overrated most of the time."
"Only most of the time?" Ryan tries to smile. Maybe Spencer had a crush on a girl. In that case, Ryan would be strong and be his friend through the whole thing, and not even say "I told you so" when the girl broke his head and left him.
"Yeah." Spencer's fiddling with his straw. It's going to split, and then he's going to complain until Ryan lets him have his straw, and then when Ryan tries to drink from the cup, the ice will crash against his face and the soda will spill everywhere.
It's happened once or twice.
"So - there's -" Ryan feels his stomach clenching again. This can't be good for his health. "There's a girl you like kissing?" When Ryan lifts his head up, Spencer is staring at him.
"No," he says. Then he puts his Caf-Pow down. "But you can practice kissing on me, if you want."
"Practice?" repeats Ryan, because it sounds like Spencer thinks Ryan likes a girl, and that isn't true. Maybe Spencer didn't get it. Sometimes it's not a big deal that Ryan is older, but sometimes Spencer doesn't know certain things - like when he didn't know that tuna was a swimming fish, not just something you eat. So maybe he doesn't know that there are guys who like to kiss other guys all the time, and that Ryan is probably one of those guys.
Ryan knows all about it, because back when Spencer liked the Backstreet Boys, Ryan looked them up on the internet and found these stories. He didn't show them to Spencer. Spencer, he figured, probably liked girls only and would think they were stupid.
"Yeah," says Spencer, in a tone that implies that Ryan is the stupid one. "For when we grow up and kiss each other all the time." Then he adds on, "Dumbass."
Ryan grins and feels like he's going to throw up again, but in a good way this time. "Probably when we grow up, I won't want to kiss you all the time."
Spencer's face falls, and Ryan feels like the worst jerk.
"I mean," he continues hastily, "that probably we'll spend a lot of time being rich and famous, and only kiss when we want to have sex or something." He says the word "sex" as casually as he can, even though his heart is racing, because maybe Spencer just wants to kiss. He knows Spencer knows what sex is, and that sometimes Spencer jerks off in the bathroom before they go to sleep - but he's not sure if Spencer knows that two guys can have sex. Like together.
But Spencer's smile is bright under the light that stands off to the side of the ramp. "Yeah," he agrees. "That's the way grownups do it, I guess."
And then he leans forward and mushes their lips together so that he and Ryan are kissing again, and it's even nicer this time, because Ryan is pretty sure that Spencer only wants to kiss him, and since he only wants to kiss Spencer, that works out pretty well.