Ratings
OOC: This list is duplicated and circulated at will on Friday evening and Saturday morning. Monique is borrowed from Thalia by myself and Pansy is brilliantly brought to life by Becca.
Katie Bell: 3.75
Looks: 5.5 (Monique: 6, Pansy: 5)
Personality: 2 (Monique: 2, Pansy: 2)
Monique: Pretty enough if you like the Pekinese cat look, but with a voice so shrill it makes a Mandrake wail pleasant to the ears. Two for personality because unlike Spinnet, she actually has one.
Pansy: Blonde is SO boring AND the girl can't dress. Everything she owns looks like it was worn by all four of her MUCH more attractive brothers before it got to her. And if I ever hear her say the word "Quidditch" again I will scream.
Angelina Johnson: 4
Looks: 5 (Monique: 6, Pansy: 4)
Personality: 3 (Monique: 4, Pansy: 2)
Monique: There are diets for that Hagrid-sized arse, girlfriend. The rest of the body however is enviable to people who are not me nor Pansy. Shame about the face, which is monopolised by an overlarge mouth put to far too much use.
Pansy: She'll never get a proper boyfriend if she doesn't learn how to curb that hostility problem of hers.
Leanne Mallory: 4
Looks: 3 (Monique: 0, Pansy: 6)
Personality: 5 (Monique: 4, Pansy: 6)
Monique: Like a merange, sweet but overly elaborate. Might earn a “two” from me in the looks department if only she removed that drowned poodle from her head.
Pansy: She's above average is both categories solely because she recognizes the beauty of the colour pink. If she never opened her mouth she'd score much higher.
Demelza Robins: 3
Looks: 4.5 (Monique: 5, Pansy: 4)
Personality: 1.5 (Monique: 1, Pansy: 2)
Monique: Would have potential if only she owned a comb. Only earns points in the personality stakes because (again) unlike Spinnet, she possesses one.
Pansy: What happened to produce so many loud, twitty blondes in 6th year? Try to be original ladies, honestly.
Jack Sloper: 3
Looks: 3.5 (Monique: 5, Pansy: 2)
Personality: 2.5 (Monique: 2, Pansy: 3)
Monique: Rather annoying and yippish. Nice set of cheekbones though.
Pansy: Something about Sloper says puppy dog to me. But not the cute purebred kind you'd like to carry in a handbag. The kind you'd see on the street and know you somehow wandered into the wrong part of town. I bet he jumps and slobbers too.
Alicia Spinnet: 0:75
Looks: 1.5 (Monique: 1, Pansy: 2)
Personality: 0 (Monique: 0, Pansy: 0)
Monique: Only gets a point for looks because otherwise it means she’d rate lower than the interchangeable Weasleys, and I sadly cannot rate in negatives. Forget having an oversized arse and going on a diet a la Johnson. In fact, such drastic action is needed that I suggest becoming a breathanairian. Fortunately she was not one of the Gryffindors removed from the team, as without exercise she’d resemble a mousier Millicent. Forwent a personality rating as I cannot evaluate what isn’t there.
Pansy: She COULD be pretty enough. But she dresses like a librarian and has even less personality. Actually, does she have ANY personality at all?
Kenneth Towler: 3.5
Looks: 4.5 (Monique: 6, Pansy: 3)
Personality: 2.5 (Monique: 4, Pansy: 1)
Monique: Definitely one of the Gryffindors most fair. Not that he has much competition, mind. But talks rather too much. I’d prefer to hear the sound of my own voice, thank you.
Pansy: Someone PLEASE shut Towler up. And tell him the outdoorsy look is NOT working for him. He's not rugged enough to carry it off. And his incessant yapping takes away from any aloof sexiness said look MIGHT have provided him.
Fred Weasley: 0.5
Looks: 0 (Monique: 0, Pansy: 0)
Personality: 1 (Monique: 1, Pansy: 1)
Monique: Ew, ew, ew. I do hope that skin condition isn’t contagious. And for the sake of my retinas invest your family’s last Knuts in some hair colour potion, please. And the mean boy made my Cassy miss out on his beauty sleep. Not that he needs it - but boo!
Pansy: EWWWWWWWWWWWWWW. Those robes can't even have been new when his OLDEST brother wore them!!
George Weasley: 1.5
Looks: 2 (Monique: 3, Pansy: 1)
Personality: 1 (Monique: 1, Pansy: 1)
Monique: The idea of him having a higher looks rating than Spinnet amuses me. And why not? He at least is thin. But freckly. Some self-tanning potion will take care of that.
Pansy: Because ONE of them wasn't bad enough?! Maybe they're the result of one of their own horrible experiments!
Saorla Capper: 2.25
Looks: 4 (Monique: 6, Pansy: 2)
Personality: 0.5 (Monique: 0, Pansy: 1)
Monique: Prettier than the average Puff, but has Spinnitis in terms of being completely devoid of personality. Any quieter and she wouldn’t exist. In fact, she may as well not.
Pansy: Blonde and BORING. Maybe she's trying to shake things up? Oh wait, she's a 7th year and therefore couldn't be part of the obnoxious, blonde, 6th year trend. I'm afraid the poor girl is just tragically unfortunate. Oh well, we can't all be witty and beautiful.
Barney Dunstan: 5.75
Looks: 8 (Monique: 7, Pansy: 9)
Personality: 3.5 (Monique: 4, Pansy: 3)
Monique: Nearly Cassius-worthy body, but loses points for what exists from the neck up. Especially when it comes to the hair. Far too pleasant to too many people and too undiscerning in whom he converses with.
Pansy: I'd almost put up with the headaches he'd give me. The boy is like a Greek God.
Cecily Montgomery: 3
Looks: 5 (Monique: 7, Pansy: 3)
Personality: 1 (Monique: 1, Pansy: 1)
Monique: Another Puff girl virtually devoid of any memorable character traits. Do they cast copying charms upon them at birth? Earns a seven for being thin and having nice hair and accessorizing well.
Pansy: A less pretty, more boring version of her twin sister. Really, I can't be bothered to care about her enough to say any more than that.
Lucy Montgomery: 6
Looks: 6.5 (Monique: 5, Pansy: 8)
Personality: 5.5 (Monique: 7, Pansy: 4)
Monique: Her comb must have eloped with Robin’s of Gryffindor. Like Granger’s hair, but without the benefit of intelligence to distract from it. Perhaps frantic hand-waving gestures in class would help, as would a liberal amount of Sleekeasy’s. Fortunately not a generic wallpaper Puff. But why do her and her sister have to have rhyming first names? Can you say “trite”?
Pansy: So sweet it's almost unbearable. But she's actually quite lovely looking. I do worry about the number of chocolate chip cookies she seems to consume. She ought to be careful.
Nicholas Stebbins: 8.25
Looks: 9 (Monique: 9, Pansy: 9)
Personality: 7.5 (Monique: 8, Pansy: 7)
Monique: Tall, dark, dashing, Latino, kind to young children and he’s pureblood too! Get in, ladies. Tragically has developed a rumoured unfortunate taste for squawky little blondes with a décolletage flatter that Longbottom after Vincent and Gregory have dealt with him. We must endeavour to save him from himself!
Pansy: Beautiful, beautiful boy! What Hufflepuff lacks in interesting females it makes up for in to DIE for males! Nicky, you can speak Portuguese to me ANY time as long as Draco isn't looking. I refuse to believe the slanderous LIES about him and Fawcett. Nick HAS to have better taste.
Christopher Summerby: 5.75
Looks: 8 (Monique: 8, Pansy: 8)
Personality: 3.5 (Monique: 7, Pansy: 2)
Monique: Hey, pretty pretty! With hair I almost envy and a body made for swimming trunks, he can perform mouth-to-mouth on this Slytherin anytime! And so unfailingly polite and beguilingly bashful too! Sweetie, you can do soooo much better than the pond scum seen clinging to you last month.
Pansy: How can anyone so beautiful be so SHY? If I ever saw him talk to a girl for more than 10 seconds without turning beet-red I think I'd positively DIE of shock. Chrissy, darling, you're very pretty. You ought to embrace it and use it to your advantage. Unless maybe you're gay. Are you gay?
Cho Chang: 4
Looks: 5.5 (Monique: 6, Pansy: 5)
Personality: 2.5 (Monique: 2, Pansy: 3)
Monique: As bland as water. An astute comparison (if I may say so myself) taking into account how much she’s been crying the past few weeks. Sweetie darling, waterworks and the resulting puffy eyes will ruin your natural prettiness! Isn’t it enough to be chubby as well? Additionally loses points for having abhorrent taste in blokes. From Diggory to Potter? My, how the mighty have fallen.
Pansy: She was prettier before she lowered herself by mooning around after POTTER of all people. And her personality was better before she became this sporadically crying, emotionally unstable, MESS. Honestly Chang, the Hufflepuffs are all surviving. Though if I went from Cedric to Potter I'd cry too.
Roger Davies: 6
Looks: 7.5 (Monique: 7, Pansy: 8)
Personality: 4.5 (Monique: 5, Pansy: 4)
Monique: Tall dark and handsome. Not particularly original and he doesn’t imbue it with the sass Stebbins does, but it’s a never-fail formula. Needs to remove the prefect badge and tie (and more!) to be truly dreamy, but the year is still young.
Pansy: Cute but oh-so anal. Roger, darling, loosen up a little. Though, I have to admit that the reports of what a tyrant you are on the pitch are kind of hot. Stop being so prissy about the rules and you'd have something going for you.
Jelena Dorny: 4.25
Looks: 5.5 (Monique: 6, Pansy: 5)
Personality: 3 (Monique: 3, Pansy: 3)
Monique: Darling, what happened? Natural brunettes use potions to make their hair blonde, not vice versa. Clearly you’ve got it all upside-down! I have two things to say to you: more blonde, less talk. There, fixed!
Pansy: She was cuter when she was blonde. She too suffers from excess of... personality. She's either caustic and bitchy or temperamental and miserable. Neither are attractive, Jelena. Maybe you should rethink your approach to interacting with others.
Marietta Edgecombe: 3.5
Looks: 3.5 (Monique: 3, Pansy: 4)
Personality: 3.5 (Monique: 5, Pansy: 2)
Monique: Interesting choice of surname given that she doesn’t seem to own one. Sleakeasy’s, darling, sleakeasy’s. At least you’re quieter and less visible than the other Ravenclaw girls for all the wrong reasons.
Pansy: Ew, what is WITH red hair? So NOT attractive. Take my advice, sweetie, and invest in a bottle of hair colour (possibly steal it from Jelena, because she DOESN'T NEED IT.) Maybe you could share it with the Weasley Twins. Also she's so dowdy looking. I feel like she should be forty years older than she is. AND she's another one with no personality to speak of.
Serenity Fawcett: 2.5
Looks: 2 (Monique: 2, Pansy: 2)
Personality: 3 (Monique: 4, Pansy: 2)
Monique: Darling, I’d love to get the Floo address of whoever stepped on your face at birth and send them a thank-you note. The Head Girl version of diet Butterbeer, this one is a lot of froth but not much substance. Still, she gets a “four” for at least being entertaining to watch in temper tantrum mode and rumouredly landing Good Saint Nicholas.
Pansy: Oh, Nicky, it just CAN'T be true. It CAN'T. She's a horrible, domineering, power-hungry control freak. She'd crush your spirit! And she's not even pretty! I mean, the girl wore BROWN to the Yule Ball. BROWN. Plus she's SO short AND I don't think she does a thing with her hair! Nick, please, IF the horrible rumour is true, RUN. Run back to the Montgomery sisters, anything is better than THAT.
Merton Graves: 6
Looks: 7 (Monique: 6, Pansy: 8)
Personality: 5 (Monique: 5, Pansy: 5)
Monique: Attractive enough, but loses points for offering to write a song for Robins. He’s young, so he may grow out of it. His hair doesn’t need to do anymore of that.
Pansy: He's cute, plays an instrument, and is an international superstar. Yes, please. Who cares if he's weird and hates everything?
Verity Jenkins: 5
Looks: 8 (Monique: 8, Pansy: 8)
Personality: 2 (Monique: 3, Pansy: 1)
Monique: This one is not quite such a desperate case. Needs only the second half of the magic formula I selflessly shared with Dorny earlier. Silencio, please!
Pansy: She's pretty, I suppose if you like tall, leggy, blondes but she doesn't take care of herself. Invest in some cosmetics, Jenkins, you're wasting your potential. And you could also try not being such a SLAG. Seriously, if I've seen you jumping on one boy, I've seen you jumping on fifty. Try moderation, darling. And class. I know they're hard concepts, but you're SUPPOSED to be a Ravenclaw.
Melinda Bobbin: 5.5
Looks: 8.5 (Monique: 9, Pansy: 8)
Personality: 2.5 (Monique: 2, Pansy: 3)
Monique: Someone thinks that she’s too good and hoity-toity for the rest of us and it makes me feel insecure. She’s almost as fit as meeeee! What if Warrington notices her first? In the spirit of generosity though, I cannot fault her for her face, hair or dress sense, as much as she deserves it.
Pansy: She's well groomed, dresses well, accessorizes well, etc. But she doesn't work it. And she's a total bint! How dare she sneer at ME?
Karen Bundy: 4
Looks: 4 (Monique: 4, Pansy: 4)
Personality: 4 (Monique: 5, Pansy: 3)
Monique: Tries desperately to be one of the boys - and fails. I’d critique her personal style, but that would imply she has one. At least has the decency to keep her dullness and lack of femininity to herself, by-and-large. Though darling, you’re not half-pretty nor pureblooded enough to get away with being such a whinger.
Pansy: She's awfully chirpy. Plus she's always complaining about Professor Umbridge! And she's a half-blood! WHAT is a half-blood doing in Slytherin?! I really am sick of hearing her self-indulgent ranting about the mail being checked and such things. It's for our PROTECTION.
Terence Higgs: 5.5
Looks: 7 (Monique: 7, Pansy: 7)
Personality: 4 (Monique: 6, Pansy: 3)
Monique: Loses points for shagging Muggles (eww, isn’t that virtually bestiality?) and still continues to bear a grudge for being dropped from the Quidditch team alllll those years ago, perhaps in the hope of a sympathy shag it almost worked.
Pansy: He's handsome. But SUCH a poor loser! It's not my Draco's fault that he's a better Seeker than Higgs! He really shouldn't be so bitter about it!
Solan Montague: 8.5
Looks: 9 (Monique: 9, Pansy: 9)
Personality: 8 (Monique: 8, Pansy: 8)
Monique: He does overplay that scowl somewhat, but who can fault him on that? Why fix what isn’t broken, and it works for him sooooo well. If it wasn’t for the Head Boy he could “intimidate” me anytime! Fortunately those earlier rumours about him and Caligo have since been proven false, as I would hate to have our common room deprived of such a handsomely broody face. And if lack of sex is the reason for that perpetually cloudy countenance, I’m certain there are plenty who would oblige.
Pansy: So he's aloof, and broody, and he snaps at people who are only trying to help him loosen up a little. It works for him! And he's SOOOO GORGEOUS! Seriously though, I don't understand why he took Jenkins to the Yule Ball. There were plenty of girls with more... better morals and less ambiguous heritage who'd have escorted him. Monty, darling, stop going to the kitchens with that stupid blonde and spend some quality time with the girls in your own Common Room.
Adrian Pucey: 6
Looks: 7.5 (Monique: 8, Pansy: 7)
Personality: 4.5 (Monique: 5, Pansy: 4)
Monique: Fortunate to be a male, otherwise he would be prettier than even myself. For that I could never forgive him. And why is he so preachy? Dark and handsome only works when you brood, darling, and for that you in particular need to be silent. Your excessive moralizing really isn’t sexy. Model yourself off your captain and you’ll not go far wrong.
Pansy: Almost too pretty. I wouldn't like to feel like the less attractive half of a couple not that I could be. He really needs to just play Quidditch and look nice. All this moral high-ground stuff he goes in for is so dull.
Cassius Warrington: 9.5
Looks: 9.5 (Monique: 10, Pansy: 9)
Personality: 9.5 (Monique: 10, Pansy: 9)
Monique: If possible my ratings would be mathematically unrealistic (just like your swoonworthy appearance, sweetie), but that would hardly be fair to the rest of the fellows, would it now? Just say the word. You have your own room now. Hint, nudge, hint.
Pansy: Curse Dumbledore for making him Head Boy and thereby removing him from the Common Room!! What am I supposed to look at when I'm feeling down now?! I mean, the others are dishy, but there is something about Warrington and his snarky gittiness which is just so... yumm.
Katie Bell: 3.75
Looks: 5.5 (Monique: 6, Pansy: 5)
Personality: 2 (Monique: 2, Pansy: 2)
Monique: Pretty enough if you like the Pekinese cat look, but with a voice so shrill it makes a Mandrake wail pleasant to the ears. Two for personality because unlike Spinnet, she actually has one.
Pansy: Blonde is SO boring AND the girl can't dress. Everything she owns looks like it was worn by all four of her MUCH more attractive brothers before it got to her. And if I ever hear her say the word "Quidditch" again I will scream.
Angelina Johnson: 4
Looks: 5 (Monique: 6, Pansy: 4)
Personality: 3 (Monique: 4, Pansy: 2)
Monique: There are diets for that Hagrid-sized arse, girlfriend. The rest of the body however is enviable to people who are not me nor Pansy. Shame about the face, which is monopolised by an overlarge mouth put to far too much use.
Pansy: She'll never get a proper boyfriend if she doesn't learn how to curb that hostility problem of hers.
Leanne Mallory: 4
Looks: 3 (Monique: 0, Pansy: 6)
Personality: 5 (Monique: 4, Pansy: 6)
Monique: Like a merange, sweet but overly elaborate. Might earn a “two” from me in the looks department if only she removed that drowned poodle from her head.
Pansy: She's above average is both categories solely because she recognizes the beauty of the colour pink. If she never opened her mouth she'd score much higher.
Demelza Robins: 3
Looks: 4.5 (Monique: 5, Pansy: 4)
Personality: 1.5 (Monique: 1, Pansy: 2)
Monique: Would have potential if only she owned a comb. Only earns points in the personality stakes because (again) unlike Spinnet, she possesses one.
Pansy: What happened to produce so many loud, twitty blondes in 6th year? Try to be original ladies, honestly.
Jack Sloper: 3
Looks: 3.5 (Monique: 5, Pansy: 2)
Personality: 2.5 (Monique: 2, Pansy: 3)
Monique: Rather annoying and yippish. Nice set of cheekbones though.
Pansy: Something about Sloper says puppy dog to me. But not the cute purebred kind you'd like to carry in a handbag. The kind you'd see on the street and know you somehow wandered into the wrong part of town. I bet he jumps and slobbers too.
Alicia Spinnet: 0:75
Looks: 1.5 (Monique: 1, Pansy: 2)
Personality: 0 (Monique: 0, Pansy: 0)
Monique: Only gets a point for looks because otherwise it means she’d rate lower than the interchangeable Weasleys, and I sadly cannot rate in negatives. Forget having an oversized arse and going on a diet a la Johnson. In fact, such drastic action is needed that I suggest becoming a breathanairian. Fortunately she was not one of the Gryffindors removed from the team, as without exercise she’d resemble a mousier Millicent. Forwent a personality rating as I cannot evaluate what isn’t there.
Pansy: She COULD be pretty enough. But she dresses like a librarian and has even less personality. Actually, does she have ANY personality at all?
Kenneth Towler: 3.5
Looks: 4.5 (Monique: 6, Pansy: 3)
Personality: 2.5 (Monique: 4, Pansy: 1)
Monique: Definitely one of the Gryffindors most fair. Not that he has much competition, mind. But talks rather too much. I’d prefer to hear the sound of my own voice, thank you.
Pansy: Someone PLEASE shut Towler up. And tell him the outdoorsy look is NOT working for him. He's not rugged enough to carry it off. And his incessant yapping takes away from any aloof sexiness said look MIGHT have provided him.
Fred Weasley: 0.5
Looks: 0 (Monique: 0, Pansy: 0)
Personality: 1 (Monique: 1, Pansy: 1)
Monique: Ew, ew, ew. I do hope that skin condition isn’t contagious. And for the sake of my retinas invest your family’s last Knuts in some hair colour potion, please. And the mean boy made my Cassy miss out on his beauty sleep. Not that he needs it - but boo!
Pansy: EWWWWWWWWWWWWWW. Those robes can't even have been new when his OLDEST brother wore them!!
George Weasley: 1.5
Looks: 2 (Monique: 3, Pansy: 1)
Personality: 1 (Monique: 1, Pansy: 1)
Monique: The idea of him having a higher looks rating than Spinnet amuses me. And why not? He at least is thin. But freckly. Some self-tanning potion will take care of that.
Pansy: Because ONE of them wasn't bad enough?! Maybe they're the result of one of their own horrible experiments!
Saorla Capper: 2.25
Looks: 4 (Monique: 6, Pansy: 2)
Personality: 0.5 (Monique: 0, Pansy: 1)
Monique: Prettier than the average Puff, but has Spinnitis in terms of being completely devoid of personality. Any quieter and she wouldn’t exist. In fact, she may as well not.
Pansy: Blonde and BORING. Maybe she's trying to shake things up? Oh wait, she's a 7th year and therefore couldn't be part of the obnoxious, blonde, 6th year trend. I'm afraid the poor girl is just tragically unfortunate. Oh well, we can't all be witty and beautiful.
Barney Dunstan: 5.75
Looks: 8 (Monique: 7, Pansy: 9)
Personality: 3.5 (Monique: 4, Pansy: 3)
Monique: Nearly Cassius-worthy body, but loses points for what exists from the neck up. Especially when it comes to the hair. Far too pleasant to too many people and too undiscerning in whom he converses with.
Pansy: I'd almost put up with the headaches he'd give me. The boy is like a Greek God.
Cecily Montgomery: 3
Looks: 5 (Monique: 7, Pansy: 3)
Personality: 1 (Monique: 1, Pansy: 1)
Monique: Another Puff girl virtually devoid of any memorable character traits. Do they cast copying charms upon them at birth? Earns a seven for being thin and having nice hair and accessorizing well.
Pansy: A less pretty, more boring version of her twin sister. Really, I can't be bothered to care about her enough to say any more than that.
Lucy Montgomery: 6
Looks: 6.5 (Monique: 5, Pansy: 8)
Personality: 5.5 (Monique: 7, Pansy: 4)
Monique: Her comb must have eloped with Robin’s of Gryffindor. Like Granger’s hair, but without the benefit of intelligence to distract from it. Perhaps frantic hand-waving gestures in class would help, as would a liberal amount of Sleekeasy’s. Fortunately not a generic wallpaper Puff. But why do her and her sister have to have rhyming first names? Can you say “trite”?
Pansy: So sweet it's almost unbearable. But she's actually quite lovely looking. I do worry about the number of chocolate chip cookies she seems to consume. She ought to be careful.
Nicholas Stebbins: 8.25
Looks: 9 (Monique: 9, Pansy: 9)
Personality: 7.5 (Monique: 8, Pansy: 7)
Monique: Tall, dark, dashing, Latino, kind to young children and he’s pureblood too! Get in, ladies. Tragically has developed a rumoured unfortunate taste for squawky little blondes with a décolletage flatter that Longbottom after Vincent and Gregory have dealt with him. We must endeavour to save him from himself!
Pansy: Beautiful, beautiful boy! What Hufflepuff lacks in interesting females it makes up for in to DIE for males! Nicky, you can speak Portuguese to me ANY time as long as Draco isn't looking. I refuse to believe the slanderous LIES about him and Fawcett. Nick HAS to have better taste.
Christopher Summerby: 5.75
Looks: 8 (Monique: 8, Pansy: 8)
Personality: 3.5 (Monique: 7, Pansy: 2)
Monique: Hey, pretty pretty! With hair I almost envy and a body made for swimming trunks, he can perform mouth-to-mouth on this Slytherin anytime! And so unfailingly polite and beguilingly bashful too! Sweetie, you can do soooo much better than the pond scum seen clinging to you last month.
Pansy: How can anyone so beautiful be so SHY? If I ever saw him talk to a girl for more than 10 seconds without turning beet-red I think I'd positively DIE of shock. Chrissy, darling, you're very pretty. You ought to embrace it and use it to your advantage. Unless maybe you're gay. Are you gay?
Cho Chang: 4
Looks: 5.5 (Monique: 6, Pansy: 5)
Personality: 2.5 (Monique: 2, Pansy: 3)
Monique: As bland as water. An astute comparison (if I may say so myself) taking into account how much she’s been crying the past few weeks. Sweetie darling, waterworks and the resulting puffy eyes will ruin your natural prettiness! Isn’t it enough to be chubby as well? Additionally loses points for having abhorrent taste in blokes. From Diggory to Potter? My, how the mighty have fallen.
Pansy: She was prettier before she lowered herself by mooning around after POTTER of all people. And her personality was better before she became this sporadically crying, emotionally unstable, MESS. Honestly Chang, the Hufflepuffs are all surviving. Though if I went from Cedric to Potter I'd cry too.
Roger Davies: 6
Looks: 7.5 (Monique: 7, Pansy: 8)
Personality: 4.5 (Monique: 5, Pansy: 4)
Monique: Tall dark and handsome. Not particularly original and he doesn’t imbue it with the sass Stebbins does, but it’s a never-fail formula. Needs to remove the prefect badge and tie (and more!) to be truly dreamy, but the year is still young.
Pansy: Cute but oh-so anal. Roger, darling, loosen up a little. Though, I have to admit that the reports of what a tyrant you are on the pitch are kind of hot. Stop being so prissy about the rules and you'd have something going for you.
Jelena Dorny: 4.25
Looks: 5.5 (Monique: 6, Pansy: 5)
Personality: 3 (Monique: 3, Pansy: 3)
Monique: Darling, what happened? Natural brunettes use potions to make their hair blonde, not vice versa. Clearly you’ve got it all upside-down! I have two things to say to you: more blonde, less talk. There, fixed!
Pansy: She was cuter when she was blonde. She too suffers from excess of... personality. She's either caustic and bitchy or temperamental and miserable. Neither are attractive, Jelena. Maybe you should rethink your approach to interacting with others.
Marietta Edgecombe: 3.5
Looks: 3.5 (Monique: 3, Pansy: 4)
Personality: 3.5 (Monique: 5, Pansy: 2)
Monique: Interesting choice of surname given that she doesn’t seem to own one. Sleakeasy’s, darling, sleakeasy’s. At least you’re quieter and less visible than the other Ravenclaw girls for all the wrong reasons.
Pansy: Ew, what is WITH red hair? So NOT attractive. Take my advice, sweetie, and invest in a bottle of hair colour (possibly steal it from Jelena, because she DOESN'T NEED IT.) Maybe you could share it with the Weasley Twins. Also she's so dowdy looking. I feel like she should be forty years older than she is. AND she's another one with no personality to speak of.
Serenity Fawcett: 2.5
Looks: 2 (Monique: 2, Pansy: 2)
Personality: 3 (Monique: 4, Pansy: 2)
Monique: Darling, I’d love to get the Floo address of whoever stepped on your face at birth and send them a thank-you note. The Head Girl version of diet Butterbeer, this one is a lot of froth but not much substance. Still, she gets a “four” for at least being entertaining to watch in temper tantrum mode and rumouredly landing Good Saint Nicholas.
Pansy: Oh, Nicky, it just CAN'T be true. It CAN'T. She's a horrible, domineering, power-hungry control freak. She'd crush your spirit! And she's not even pretty! I mean, the girl wore BROWN to the Yule Ball. BROWN. Plus she's SO short AND I don't think she does a thing with her hair! Nick, please, IF the horrible rumour is true, RUN. Run back to the Montgomery sisters, anything is better than THAT.
Merton Graves: 6
Looks: 7 (Monique: 6, Pansy: 8)
Personality: 5 (Monique: 5, Pansy: 5)
Monique: Attractive enough, but loses points for offering to write a song for Robins. He’s young, so he may grow out of it. His hair doesn’t need to do anymore of that.
Pansy: He's cute, plays an instrument, and is an international superstar. Yes, please. Who cares if he's weird and hates everything?
Verity Jenkins: 5
Looks: 8 (Monique: 8, Pansy: 8)
Personality: 2 (Monique: 3, Pansy: 1)
Monique: This one is not quite such a desperate case. Needs only the second half of the magic formula I selflessly shared with Dorny earlier. Silencio, please!
Pansy: She's pretty, I suppose if you like tall, leggy, blondes but she doesn't take care of herself. Invest in some cosmetics, Jenkins, you're wasting your potential. And you could also try not being such a SLAG. Seriously, if I've seen you jumping on one boy, I've seen you jumping on fifty. Try moderation, darling. And class. I know they're hard concepts, but you're SUPPOSED to be a Ravenclaw.
Melinda Bobbin: 5.5
Looks: 8.5 (Monique: 9, Pansy: 8)
Personality: 2.5 (Monique: 2, Pansy: 3)
Monique: Someone thinks that she’s too good and hoity-toity for the rest of us and it makes me feel insecure. She’s almost as fit as meeeee! What if Warrington notices her first? In the spirit of generosity though, I cannot fault her for her face, hair or dress sense, as much as she deserves it.
Pansy: She's well groomed, dresses well, accessorizes well, etc. But she doesn't work it. And she's a total bint! How dare she sneer at ME?
Karen Bundy: 4
Looks: 4 (Monique: 4, Pansy: 4)
Personality: 4 (Monique: 5, Pansy: 3)
Monique: Tries desperately to be one of the boys - and fails. I’d critique her personal style, but that would imply she has one. At least has the decency to keep her dullness and lack of femininity to herself, by-and-large. Though darling, you’re not half-pretty nor pureblooded enough to get away with being such a whinger.
Pansy: She's awfully chirpy. Plus she's always complaining about Professor Umbridge! And she's a half-blood! WHAT is a half-blood doing in Slytherin?! I really am sick of hearing her self-indulgent ranting about the mail being checked and such things. It's for our PROTECTION.
Terence Higgs: 5.5
Looks: 7 (Monique: 7, Pansy: 7)
Personality: 4 (Monique: 6, Pansy: 3)
Monique: Loses points for shagging Muggles (eww, isn’t that virtually bestiality?) and still continues to bear a grudge for being dropped from the Quidditch team alllll those years ago, perhaps in the hope of a sympathy shag it almost worked.
Pansy: He's handsome. But SUCH a poor loser! It's not my Draco's fault that he's a better Seeker than Higgs! He really shouldn't be so bitter about it!
Solan Montague: 8.5
Looks: 9 (Monique: 9, Pansy: 9)
Personality: 8 (Monique: 8, Pansy: 8)
Monique: He does overplay that scowl somewhat, but who can fault him on that? Why fix what isn’t broken, and it works for him sooooo well. If it wasn’t for the Head Boy he could “intimidate” me anytime! Fortunately those earlier rumours about him and Caligo have since been proven false, as I would hate to have our common room deprived of such a handsomely broody face. And if lack of sex is the reason for that perpetually cloudy countenance, I’m certain there are plenty who would oblige.
Pansy: So he's aloof, and broody, and he snaps at people who are only trying to help him loosen up a little. It works for him! And he's SOOOO GORGEOUS! Seriously though, I don't understand why he took Jenkins to the Yule Ball. There were plenty of girls with more... better morals and less ambiguous heritage who'd have escorted him. Monty, darling, stop going to the kitchens with that stupid blonde and spend some quality time with the girls in your own Common Room.
Adrian Pucey: 6
Looks: 7.5 (Monique: 8, Pansy: 7)
Personality: 4.5 (Monique: 5, Pansy: 4)
Monique: Fortunate to be a male, otherwise he would be prettier than even myself. For that I could never forgive him. And why is he so preachy? Dark and handsome only works when you brood, darling, and for that you in particular need to be silent. Your excessive moralizing really isn’t sexy. Model yourself off your captain and you’ll not go far wrong.
Pansy: Almost too pretty. I wouldn't like to feel like the less attractive half of a couple not that I could be. He really needs to just play Quidditch and look nice. All this moral high-ground stuff he goes in for is so dull.
Cassius Warrington: 9.5
Looks: 9.5 (Monique: 10, Pansy: 9)
Personality: 9.5 (Monique: 10, Pansy: 9)
Monique: If possible my ratings would be mathematically unrealistic (just like your swoonworthy appearance, sweetie), but that would hardly be fair to the rest of the fellows, would it now? Just say the word. You have your own room now. Hint, nudge, hint.
Pansy: Curse Dumbledore for making him Head Boy and thereby removing him from the Common Room!! What am I supposed to look at when I'm feeling down now?! I mean, the others are dishy, but there is something about Warrington and his snarky gittiness which is just so... yumm.