Well, I have to admit that I was intrigued by the title. Labyrinths are always interesting to read about! It was a little bit of a let-down to find that there wasn't much in the way of either plot nor character development, but you still have an easy way with dialogue that makes your stories fun to read. There is a gentleness in your writing, and I think it is a strength of yours. Just take care to back it up. I didn't spot the prompt, but I will be the first to admit that sometime there is an oblique usage at work. Good luck this week in the polls!
True, for some reason, I seem to have really intriguing titles though slightly misleading.
Alright, I'll keep that in mind. Sometimes I tend to neglect writing a proper plot or developing the characters in favor of writing something short and easy to work on. I guess it's a bit of laziness in my part, something I have to work on. Thank you for the kind advice, I'll take care to consider these things in next week's entry.
Oh the prompt! I took sashay to mean an excursion for pleasure in this piece, which was what the trip to the labyrinth was supposed to be before they got lost. I hope that explains it somehow.
Thanks :D I've been thinking about what Keppie said...I don't want to repeat the mistake I made with this one but how exactly could I have improved this in substance?
Glad you enjoyed this anyway :) I find that labyrinths are sadly underrated :))
Hm, I think you're right about the lack of plot. In an attempt to make this humorous I obviously neglected that important bit...Thanks so much for explaining this further. It helped me understand what I need to improve on a lot better :D
EDITOR Part Onetoxic_apiaceaeMarch 13 2011, 15:25:36 UTC
Hello, locket! I’m Tox, one of your editors this week. I don’t think we’ve had the pleasure of crossing paths in this regard yet, so it’s nice to meet you. And even if we have, it’s still nice. *grins*
You asked for a no holds barred edit this week, so lemme break down what you’ll be getting from me: I go line by line through the piece commenting on everything from structure to word choice to creative decisions. Obviously, some of what I say might be more of a personal preference so you’re free to take or leave it as you wish. If you have ANY questions at all or need something clarified, please don’t hesitate to ask. That’s what I’m here for, after all.
So, now to your edit:
William Kirkland Jones honestly didn’t understand how an innocent excursion to explore his grandparents’ massive garden had turned into such a horrible situation.First lines are always such tricky things. On the one hand, you want the reader to be properly introduced to the story, but on the other you don’t want to tip your hand too early. I think the
( ... )
EDITOR part twotoxic_apiaceaeMarch 13 2011, 15:26:13 UTC
“Oh, yeah, like no one in the movies has ever thought of that before and failed.”
Haha! I love Amy! She’s so delightfully snarky.
He rolled his eyes. “Okay, then, let’s just stand here until you come up with a better idea. Or maybe even find a phone that we can actually use.”
He glared at her one more time before they both turned around to face the path that brought them there. Their jaws both dropped in shock when they realized they were facing two almost identical paths leading to two different directions.
Watch out for repetition, especially in such a short piece. Here, “both” is used in back-to-back sentences. I think the second one could be changed to something like “Their jaws dropped in unison” instead to break this up.
“Er, Will? Do you remember which way we came from?”
“Ha!” he countered. “This coming from the person who got us lost in the maze in the first place.”I’d like to suggest moving the dialogue tag to the very end of this rather than sticking it after “Ha!” Ha isn’t much of a rebuttal, whereas the
( ... )
EDITOR Part Threetoxic_apiaceaeMarch 13 2011, 15:26:29 UTC
Overall Impressions:
I thought this was a very charming piece! I do agree with Thora and Keppie completely about a few points:
1. Your writing style if very light and has excellent flow from start to finish. Each concept moved smoothly into the next and your characters were not only believable siblings but also a lot of fun to read. This piece was very dialogue heavy, which is mostly fine for sibling bickering, but I think fleshing it out with some scenic description would have helped as well. 2. I do think that the prompt needed to shine through just a little clearer than it did. I read your comment about how the prompt was interpreted, but I do think sashay could have been used a bit better.
The one area I might argue is that there is no plot. There is a simple plot to it that can maybe be strengthened with just a few changes. I don’t really think there needs to be an underlying drive or thing that prods them along, such as a family treasure or something. It’s a labyrinth. In their grandparent’s backyard. What kid WOULDN
( ... )
Re: EDITOR Part ThreeopenedlocketMarch 13 2011, 22:30:50 UTC
Hello Tox! Nice to officially 'meet' you. I have to say, I was pleasantly surprised to find these edits when I opened my email this morning. I have to tell you how grateful I am for how thoroughly you edited all of this.
Alright so my reply to the edits:
Now that you pointed it out, I have to agree that I've made that first line a little too bulky...will fix that.
Will is very very close to pulling Amy's pigtails all throughout that first part, which he would've done if she had pigtails and didn't have phone she could throw at him in self-defense ;)
I understand what you mean about the description. I guess I lack description in most aspects of this piece. I'll be sure to fix that as well.
Oh no! The dreaded return of the repetitive words. I've been trying to avoid using words over and over again but I guess I rushed this too much and let these slip. Repeating words seems to be a problem for me...
Forget pulling her pigtails, Will. Stick gum in her hair and rub it about. *nods*You're a GENIUS! Okay, just had to say that
( ... )
Thanks for the critique. You gave me a lot of useful improvements on this.
I'll have to think of ways to fix that paragraph and make it seem a little more useful to the piece. I have to work on that cliche issue as well. Thank you for pointing that out.
I changed that phone sentence into pressing the power button repeatedly instead of pressing the buttons frantically, to follow your suggestion. Though, I find myself pressing random buttons on my phone when it loses battery so I guess I based it off on that :))
You're right...when I re-read that line, it felt like I was trying too hard to use a swear word. I removed that unnecessary 'f' in hopes of improving the sentence.
I'm glad that people managed to see the comedy in the ending.
Thanks again for this edit. It was a great help! :)
Also, re: phone - again, I have to summon a theatrical reference. You ever see a play (or watch a television show) that has someone driving a car? But they're not driving a car, they're "driving a car"? You know, hands out at 2 & 11, sort of bobbing up and down as if milking a particularly angular cow? That's the problem with pressing random buttons frantically. If you were to look at someone trying to deal with a dead phone, they'd eventually get to something akin to that, but it's not just that. That's a sort of representative version of the whole process of someone dealing with a dead piece of electronics. Writing, to my thinking, comes off better with an increased deftness to the description. Did I explain myself better that time?
Yes, I think I understand that better now. I'm still trying to find a way to make that whole phone sentence work better, using your tips but I think I get what you mean now.
Comments 13
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Alright, I'll keep that in mind. Sometimes I tend to neglect writing a proper plot or developing the characters in favor of writing something short and easy to work on. I guess it's a bit of laziness in my part, something I have to work on. Thank you for the kind advice, I'll take care to consider these things in next week's entry.
Oh the prompt! I took sashay to mean an excursion for pleasure in this piece, which was what the trip to the labyrinth was supposed to be before they got lost. I hope that explains it somehow.
Thanks! Good luck to you too.
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Glad you enjoyed this anyway :) I find that labyrinths are sadly underrated :))
Reply
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Reply
You asked for a no holds barred edit this week, so lemme break down what you’ll be getting from me: I go line by line through the piece commenting on everything from structure to word choice to creative decisions. Obviously, some of what I say might be more of a personal preference so you’re free to take or leave it as you wish. If you have ANY questions at all or need something clarified, please don’t hesitate to ask. That’s what I’m here for, after all.
So, now to your edit:
William Kirkland Jones honestly didn’t understand how an innocent excursion to explore his grandparents’ massive garden had turned into such a horrible situation.First lines are always such tricky things. On the one hand, you want the reader to be properly introduced to the story, but on the other you don’t want to tip your hand too early. I think the ( ... )
Reply
Haha! I love Amy! She’s so delightfully snarky.
He rolled his eyes. “Okay, then, let’s just stand here until you come up with a better idea. Or maybe even find a phone that we can actually use.”
He glared at her one more time before they both turned around to face the path that brought them there. Their jaws both dropped in shock when they realized they were facing two almost identical paths leading to two different directions.
Watch out for repetition, especially in such a short piece. Here, “both” is used in back-to-back sentences. I think the second one could be changed to something like “Their jaws dropped in unison” instead to break this up.
“Er, Will? Do you remember which way we came from?”
“Ha!” he countered. “This coming from the person who got us lost in the maze in the first place.”I’d like to suggest moving the dialogue tag to the very end of this rather than sticking it after “Ha!” Ha isn’t much of a rebuttal, whereas the ( ... )
Reply
I thought this was a very charming piece! I do agree with Thora and Keppie completely about a few points:
1. Your writing style if very light and has excellent flow from start to finish. Each concept moved smoothly into the next and your characters were not only believable siblings but also a lot of fun to read. This piece was very dialogue heavy, which is mostly fine for sibling bickering, but I think fleshing it out with some scenic description would have helped as well.
2. I do think that the prompt needed to shine through just a little clearer than it did. I read your comment about how the prompt was interpreted, but I do think sashay could have been used a bit better.
The one area I might argue is that there is no plot. There is a simple plot to it that can maybe be strengthened with just a few changes. I don’t really think there needs to be an underlying drive or thing that prods them along, such as a family treasure or something. It’s a labyrinth. In their grandparent’s backyard. What kid WOULDN ( ... )
Reply
Alright so my reply to the edits:
Now that you pointed it out, I have to agree that I've made that first line a little too bulky...will fix that.
Will is very very close to pulling Amy's pigtails all throughout that first part, which he would've done if she had pigtails and didn't have phone she could throw at him in self-defense ;)
I understand what you mean about the description. I guess I lack description in most aspects of this piece. I'll be sure to fix that as well.
Oh no! The dreaded return of the repetitive words. I've been trying to avoid using words over and over again but I guess I rushed this too much and let these slip. Repeating words seems to be a problem for me...
Forget pulling her pigtails, Will. Stick gum in her hair and rub it about. *nods*You're a GENIUS! Okay, just had to say that ( ... )
Reply
Reply
I'll have to think of ways to fix that paragraph and make it seem a little more useful to the piece. I have to work on that cliche issue as well. Thank you for pointing that out.
I changed that phone sentence into pressing the power button repeatedly instead of pressing the buttons frantically, to follow your suggestion. Though, I find myself pressing random buttons on my phone when it loses battery so I guess I based it off on that :))
You're right...when I re-read that line, it felt like I was trying too hard to use a swear word. I removed that unnecessary 'f' in hopes of improving the sentence.
I'm glad that people managed to see the comedy in the ending.
Thanks again for this edit. It was a great help! :)
Reply
Also, re: phone - again, I have to summon a theatrical reference. You ever see a play (or watch a television show) that has someone driving a car? But they're not driving a car, they're "driving a car"? You know, hands out at 2 & 11, sort of bobbing up and down as if milking a particularly angular cow? That's the problem with pressing random buttons frantically. If you were to look at someone trying to deal with a dead phone, they'd eventually get to something akin to that, but it's not just that. That's a sort of representative version of the whole process of someone dealing with a dead piece of electronics. Writing, to my thinking, comes off better with an increased deftness to the description. Did I explain myself better that time?
Reply
Thanks again :)
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