Fun story! It reminds me of an episode of "The Adventures of the Gummi Bears" I watched when I was a kid! But now i really want to hear more. What does the Captain of the Guard do, if anything? What will come of the kingdom? The suspense is too much!
Hi there! I'm your very very late editor this week. :(
The editing chart said you didn't answer the question about wanting grammar feedback, so I've left it out. If you want it, please just reply back and I'll include it. :)
To the edit!
General comments:
-I really like some of your sentences, like this one: Her unwavering gaze made the advisor feel uneasy. . Here you use an action (unwavering gaze) that makes the reader understand why the advisor feels uneasy. There's some parts where you try to just tell us; try showing us instead - it's usually more powerful
( ... )
Oh, I didn't realize...if it isn't too much trouble, it would be great to get the grammatical edits as well. I'll be fine without it, if you're too busy, though.
I wanted to make the king act very friendly to the two, like a very close friend. But despite all that, they couldn't get the private audience they wanted because the king's too in love and too trusting of Annalise. That throne room issue does need some fixing, though.
I really need to watch out for those adverbs. They've been popping up in bucket-loads every week. Thank you for pointing them out.
I'll fix the edits you've suggested in the detailed comments :D
Oh, I might continue this for a May prompt. I'll probably go further with this and clear many of the details up then. Thank you so much for this edit and the comments :)
Comments 14
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And thank you :)
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The editing chart said you didn't answer the question about wanting grammar feedback, so I've left it out. If you want it, please just reply back and I'll include it. :)
To the edit!
General comments:
-I really like some of your sentences, like this one: Her unwavering gaze made the advisor feel uneasy. . Here you use an action (unwavering gaze) that makes the reader understand why the advisor feels uneasy. There's some parts where you try to just tell us; try showing us instead - it's usually more powerful ( ... )
Reply
I wanted to make the king act very friendly to the two, like a very close friend. But despite all that, they couldn't get the private audience they wanted because the king's too in love and too trusting of Annalise. That throne room issue does need some fixing, though.
I really need to watch out for those adverbs. They've been popping up in bucket-loads every week. Thank you for pointing them out.
I'll fix the edits you've suggested in the detailed comments :D
Oh, I might continue this for a May prompt. I'll probably go further with this and clear many of the details up then. Thank you so much for this edit and the comments :)
Reply
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