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[heart_andbullet]

My parents raised a better daughter so why am I still in love with a married (in the eyes of the law) man?

Comments

[starlightfell]

Just a thought here - because you haven't let yourself move on because god forbid you let yourself open up and be vulnerable with someone because at least being in love with someone unattainable is easier than being in love with someone who could hurt you? And then you can blame all of your failed concepts of relationships on still being in love with someone who is unattainable because the unattainable ones are always perfect and can never measure up even though once they become attainable, all of their flaws show?

[heart_andbullet]

If I were afraid of getting hurt, this guy would be my last choice. I don't care about flaws. We wouldn't be human without them. I'm not in love with a concept.

[starlightfell]

He's married? Yes, you are in love with a concept. Unless his wife knows about you, and is comfortable with you, you're in love with a concept that he wants you to see. And you know what, I'm telling you this as a guy who has been really stupid in the past with women.

[heart_andbullet]

She knows. And comfortable is not the word I'd use. But I would think seeing someone in this capacity is is probably seeing the darker side of someone. Not exactly something you'd use to win someone over.

[saraannesidle]

Because it's easier to linger on something you can't have than risk a future that could be even better. You are young, smart, and talented. Don't waste your heart on some idiot who isn't worth the dirt under your shoe. Eventually, you end up being no better than him and you know what, no one will ever trust you. Ever.

[heart_andbullet]

Okay, forgetting how we met, how do I know there is someone "better"? How do I know I'm not walking away from the one person I'm supposed to be with?

[saraannesidle]

Because we aren't just meant to be with "one person." And I"m not talking about polyamory, because god knows I'm not. But, we have different soul mates, different people in our lives. How small a world is that if we can't move on from past love? If we can't learn and grow from love and relationships?

[heart_andbullet]

But I think we do. How depressing is it to think, we have more than one soul mate yet we can't be with those other people? And the only way to be with one of those other people is for a relationship to end.

[unicorn_dylan]

Is this, like, "can't actually get divorced because of stupid legal shit" still-married or, like, "just not in love with his spouse but no intention to separate even though he could" kind of still-married?

Could be you're just going after some unattainable guy. Unless he's got some kinda open relationship or something, I'd stay the fuck away from married guys. From what I've heard, you do anything with him, you're likely to get hit harder. Sexism can go suck a cactus, but even if the guy is the most awesome dude in the world, I fucking wouldn't.

[heart_andbullet]

It started as something like the latter but now it's "separated and stuck in divorce hell".

[unicorn_dylan]

I'd be really fucking careful. That it started out like the second thing makes the guy sound super-sketchy. That's just my impression because obviously I dunno all that's gone on, but my gut says it's not fucking worth it.

Would you have posted about it if you were completely sure and okay with stuff?

[heart_andbullet]

Obviously I'm not okay with stuff.

[blueskin_angel]

"In the eyes of the law?" I take that to mean separated... which in theory could be okay but it's the "still in love" that concerns me. What was the state of his marriage when you met him?

[heart_andbullet]

They weren't divorcing when we met.

[blueskin_angel]

That changes a lot. Considering my situation I can easily see "Oh we met when they were getting separated" as totally excusable. Because, well, at least where I am you have to be separated for a year before you can get divorced. I was stuck in being "technically" married for a long time after my marriage was actually over

[vexandsiloence]

You know, I think the question is why do you want to be with someone who makes you question yourself like you clearly are. Your parents raised a better daughter? So why are you letting yourself feel worse about yourself? If he makes you feel bad, then he isn't the right guy for you.

[heart_andbullet]

But he doesn't make me feel bad. Circumstances do.

[unicorn_dylan]

Are the circumstances that make you feel shitty ever gonna go away if you stay with this guy?

[heart_andbullet]

Eventually, his divorce will go through. And, for the record, we're not really together.