Disney Laced Profanity: Chapter Five (Rachel/Puck)
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Chapter Five
Having a boyfriend is different than Rachel thought it would be. Not worse, exactly. Just different.
As it turns out, Sam (the aforementioned boyfriend) knows she’s from McKinley. Furthermore-- he knows her last name. Knows exactly who she is, in fact. Always did. (Apparently her performance at Sectionals was good for more than attracting the attention of jocks who want to torture her)
She hasn’t had the heart to tell him she had no clue who he was until Carmel’s Invitational.
Meeting his friends went well. They were.... well, nice. Rachel is the first to admit that her social radar can often be off, but they seemed genuinely interested when Sam bragged about her talent. And she could swear that several of his male friends glanced at her legs before shooting Sam impressed smirks. No one had rolled their eyes or interrupted (or walked off) when she was speaking. All in all, a promising beginning.
The reaction of her follow Glee Clubbers was not what she would have hoped, but certainly along the lines of what she expected. (Suspicious disbelief seems to be the overall mood.) Even Mr. Schuester (who can’t officially object since the dating life of his students is exactly none of his business) has been maintaining an unusually cautious air around her. Almost as if he’s trying to prevent her from doing something dreadful -- though she’s not entirely sure what. He knows far too much about her competitive nature to ever believe she would do something to give away the slightest advantage at Regionals. Sam might be gifted with his mouth in more ways than one, but Rachel Berry has never lost sight of her goals for any man. (Mr. Schue looks distinctly uncomfortable when she tells him all of this word for word.)
Puck watches her get more and more defensive as the weeks go by. They don’t talk much, but he can tell that Rachel seems to be waiting for some kind of group demand that she stop dating the asshole (and he could swear that sometimes she looks like she’s hoping for it).
If he actually cared, he would think about trying to help her out. Because as usual, Rachel Berry is fucking clueless about what the Glee club really thinks about her new boyfriend. None of them (besides him and maybe Finn) really care who Rachel wants to mount in her spare time. That isn’t the problem.
Puck would bet his last fucking dime (if he hadn’t already given it to Quinn) that what they are actually afraid of is Rachel leaving. That she might just figure out that being a complete pariah (yes, he knows that word) isn’t something that’s just a given for someone like her. That maybe Vocal Adrenaline is the mothership come to take their resident crazy-face home.
And maybe he’d clue her into some of this if he wasn’t so preoccupied with the fact that he’s currently naked from the waist up. In the girl’s bathroom. Holding Rachel’s sweater. (The one she was wearing until 5 minutes ago.)
******
This is how it starts....
Puck and Quinn board the McKinley bus in the middle of what seems to be some sort of official statement from Rachel. (Turns out Quinn interrupted them in the lobby because she’d wanted him to buy her something at the concession stand. The baby was hungry.) He stomps onto the bus and shoves past the (currently silent) brunette midget standing at the front. He walks to the back of the bus, plops down in his seat and pointedly looks out the window. (This would be the perfect occasion for the “I don’t give a fuck” sign that Puck has often thought would be helpful to carry in his jacket. When they talked about it freshman year, it was Finn- in an unusually insightful moment- who pointed out that taking the time to make a sign that says “I don’t give a fuck” really suggests that you might just give too MUCH of a fuck.)
It takes Rachel a minute to recover from Noah and Quinn’s sudden entrance. When he shoves past her and stomps to the back of the bus (somewhat like an angry 5 year old) she realizes that Quinn has upset him again. (This absolutely does not make her heart sink.)
Taking a deep breath (and picturing Sam’s face), Rachel continues with her speech. “....and so while I know that this might have the appearance of a conflict of interest, I would really like everyone to take a moment to consider...”
Puck tries to ignore her. He really does. But his stupid iPod is already dead, so he has nothing that will drown that voice out. She’s still talking, and his brain keeps translating her words without his permission.
“....I’m going to continue boning this asshole and I don’t really give a fuck what any of you say......”
(His brain likes to just give him the gist of things sometimes....which is particularly helpful when dealing with Berry.)
She’s showing no signs of winding down when Finn (of all people) finally puts everyone out of their misery. He looks at her gently and Puck can tell he’s trying not to hurt her feelings (reason #1004 that Finn is a better person than he is...Puck would love nothing more than to hurt Berry’s feelings right now). “OK, Rach. We got it. You have a boyfriend and you aren’t going to give him up. Does that about cover it?” (He is rubbing the side of his jaw as he says it, though, so Puck can tell that Finn is not as okay with this development as he’s trying to pretend.)
Rachel is clearly startled at Finn’s interruption and stops. A look of shy gratefulness steals across her face and she just nods and takes a seat. (And Puck tries not to vomit.)
*****
So that’s how it started. This is how it continued (even if Puck wishes it would just fucking stop already)....
*******
Rachel having a boyfriend is exactly how Puck thinks it will be.
First of all, it pisses him off for reasons he refuses to think about. And the fact that it pisses him off REALLY pisses him off. So he’s been stuck in an endless cycle of being pissed off that no one around him really appreciates. (He pulls it together somewhat when his mother threatens to take his X-Box away.)
And then there’s the fact that he’s pretty damn sure that Quinn suspects something. (She accused him of being snippy when buying her corn-dog at the Carmel snack bar. When he replied that it was impossible for a badass to be fucking snippy, she had merely raised one eyebrow, looked back at the door that Rachel had exited and said Whatever you say, Puckerman.)
But he’s not sure what Quinn thinks she knows because there’s nothing to know. Rachel Berry is once again pining after some dude who likes to sing. And Puck doesn’t give a shit what Berry is doing because he’s too busy trying to prove something to Quinn so she’ll give him a chance (though he has started to realize that he has no idea just what it is she wants him to do, and maybe that’s why he’s been such a fucking failure since this whole thing started). Seems to him that nothing much has changed except the name of the dude that makes Rachel want to drop her panties (and it absolutely does not piss him off that his name was apparently never on that list).
It isn’t until three weeks later that the shit really hits the fan.
Rachel comes into rehearsal sopping wet, in a purple sweater that Puck is pretty sure was white at lunch. She walks across the room (shoes squeaking), puts her bag down and promptly takes her place in the line up. All without saying a word. Everyone’s just kind of looking at each other like what the fuck? because Rachel’s not talking and she clearly isn’t covered in the usual slushee. She’s just soaking wet (and purple).
Mercedes is the first to speak up (even Mr. Schue is standing in perplexed silence).
“Uhm, Rachel?”
She turns to meet Mercedes’ stare as if she doesn’t already fucking know what everyone wants to ask. (He hates to admit it, but shit like that makes Puck kind of proud of her.)
“Yes?”
Mercedes looks like she’s trying not to laugh (and Puck sort of wants to kick her for it... but he’s glad someone’s asking cause he’s sure as hell not going to). “Rachel. Uhm... what happened to you? Why are you purple?”
Rachel sniffs and pushes a soaked lock of hair behind her ear. “It’s grape juice, which is unfortunate because it is sure to stain. I really wish he could have at least used apple juice, instead.” When everyone just looks at her in confusion, she sighs and sings softly “Ooh, life is juicy, juicy and you see, I gotta have my bite sir....”
Almost everyone is still looking at her in utter bafflement, but Puck starts to see red. “That Douche Bag is still fucking with you?”
Mr. Schuester picks that moment to finally join the conversation. “Puck. Language.”
Rachel has the urge to smile (for the first time all afternoon) when Noah rolls his eyes -- but the impulse quickly disappears when his furious gaze turns back towards her. He stalks towards her and she can’t help but back up a few (slippery) steps.
“Why the fuck didn’t you tell me that asshole hadn’t stopped?”
Mr. Schue quickly steps between the two of them (while the rest of the Glee club watches the back and forth like sporting event they didn’t know existed). “Puck! That is enough. I cannot allow you to talk like that on school grounds. You need to back off.”
Rachel flinches as Noah shoots her another angry look (He’s been glaring at her for weeks, but this is somehow different. Can anger be scary and heartwarming at the same time?). He mutters something under his breath before turning around and slamming out the door into the hallway.
“Rachel...”
Mr. Schue’s voice comes out soft but she puts out a hand to stop him. Rachel closes her eyes for a few seconds to gather herself, and when she meets his gaze she’s perfectly composed.
“I just need a change of clothes. Unfortunately, I haven’t brought a secondary outfit to school in weeks.” She glances at her gaping teammates. “I don’t suppose anyone has anything I can borrow?”
She’s not surprised when no offers are forthcoming, though to be fair, the slushee wars have been over for at least a month. If Rachel Berry isn’t preparing for the worst, it is probably a safe bet that no one else is either.
“May I be excused to the lady’s room, Mr. Schuester? Perhaps try to rinse out my sweater and dry my hair?”
He nods quickly and Rachel heads towards the door. (She can’t help but notice that he always seem so relieved when she leaves the room)
Puck isn’t surprised when Rachel exits the rehearsal room not long after him. He’s waiting for her in front of the door to the girl’s bathroom. She flinches (again) when she sees him, so he’s confident that his look of angered baddassness is still clearly on his face. She walks towards the bathroom slowly.
“Seriously, Berry? Why the hell didn’t you tell me that Douche hadn’t stopped?”
Rachel shoots him a look of annoyance (though she’s really feeling more confused than anything). “You mean your buddy, Steve?” She shrugs. “Was I supposed to tell you when he filled my locker with candy so you could get a good chuckle? Was I supposed shoot up a flare when he came and played marching band music on my lawn at 2am?”
Puck’s eyebrows are nearly to his mohawk. “Berry. He came to your house at 2 fucking AM? This is serious. That’s not a prank. That’s stalking.” (He should know)
Rachel tries to look unimpressed though his concern is doing funny things to her heart. “Actually, the police called it disturbing the peace.”
His lips twitch. “You called the cops?”
She shoots him a look that says duh with maybe a little bit of how stupid do you think I am? thrown in. Looking down at her sweater, Rachel sighs. “Now can you please move so that I can try to do something about my clothing?” And then without waiting for him to do anything, she shoves past him into the bathroom.
(That’s the thing about Rachel. She never fucking waits.)
It isn’t until she is out of sight that Puck realizes she didn’t have anything in her hand. Without thinking, he follows her through the swinging door. She’s already got three buttons undone and Puck is torn about how quickly to make his presence known. (How many buttons make up the dividing line between curious and creepy?)
“Uhm...”
His voice startles them both. (Apparently his brain decided not to consult his dick on this one).
Immediately both of her hands fly to her chest (where, much to Puck’s disappointment -- the famed Berry Boobs are still completely hidden) and she shrieks.
“Noah! What are you DOING?”
He crosses his arms and refuses to look like he’s doing anything out of the ordinary. (And to be fair, he has been in this bathroom many a time with various Cheerios. The handicapped stall on the right is a personal favorite)
“You have no clothes, Berry. What are you going to wear?”
Rachel shrugs though she is still looking at him like he just might be some sort of pervert. (Which Puck finds hilarious because of course he’s a pervert...she hasn’t figured that out yet?)
“I was just going to rinse it out and use the dryers.” Her voice is impatient. “Why? Do you have a better idea?”
Puck sighs and looks down at his favorite Flaming Lips t-shirt.
*********
And that shit? That’s how Puck finally got Rachel Berry to take off her top.