Feedback wanted: On Writing James

[ophelivia]

 Hey ladies! I've got a favor to ask anybody who might be interested on behalf of my beta and best friend Miss Scarlet Jenal.
 I know I've mentioned a few times about the process she and I have. When we get a new character, in order to get to know them and explore them we often write little snippets of them interacting with all our other characters

Comments

[sunsetdawn20]

"***In fairness, I feel the need to state that the "blonde hell hound" Gavroche refers to is not Cutler, but Jackie Walker, a 1920s rake also from The Wild Party.."

HAHAHAHA

Anyway, to be honest, I wasn't very much drawn into the story itself, because of all those characters I didn't know, I suppose. But I think it's really wonderfully written and I loved Jamie's voice. Really awesome work.

[saime_joxxers]

I don't claim to be an expert at all on these matters, so forgive me if I'm out of place in commenting. xD

1: The tone of James's voice rings very true, I think you've (addressed to Ophelivia's friend) done an excellent job of it. He's very polite, straight-forward, conservative in his words but not shy to speak when something needs saying.

2: The flashbacks to his youth and days in the Navy, etc. are very well done. They're put in at just the right time and flow excellently with the story. And I love the idea of him writing the Apostle's Creed and hiding it in his sleeve. xD

3: I'm afraid this isn't one of my more helpful comments, but I can't find much to improve on. Not a huge fan of cross-overs and O.C.s myself, but that's just personal opinion, and I know this is just banging out James's personality so I really can't find fault with that. ^^

Hope it was even the least bit helpful. 8D

And oh yeah: LES MISERABLES FTW.

I must admit, my fave is Javert, but Gavroche is still pretty cool.

[saime_joxxers]

Ah, sweet! What level of show is it? Like... school show? Or town/city production?

And yes, yes they do have much in common. Although I must admit I associate him more with Clark (or is his name spelled with an e? Clarke?). I think it's the sideburns, truthfully. xD

[ophelivia]

**I think it's the sideburns truthfully**

OMG YES!

It's a town show up where Scarlet lives, she's going out 4 Fantine and we're both trying out for Mme T.

[kittymay]

I didn't understand all the other characters, but I did like the writing a lot, and felt quite drawn in regardless of not knowing the people.
One small correction, though, if it's the river in France that's mentioned there, it's the Seine with one n not two. : )

[pink_siamese]

The only thing that really pops out to me as being off, or rather off-putting, is the structure of dialect: all those apostrophes hurt my eyes. I'd cut most of them out except for where they contract words (y'know, th'wall). But that's just me.

The voice seems okay to me. Everyone interprets the character differently and it is my opinion that this falls within the 'acceptable range'.

'Miss Scarlet Jenal'

[pink_siamese]

Thank you terribly for the plug, Livia.
You guys are amazing, thanks for all your feedback.
To pink_siamese: I know, it's overdone, but I don't have very much experience writing in dialect, (it's always bothered me a little that Gavroche has a strong Cockney accent despite the fact that he lives in Paris). Thanks for your feedback, I will take it into account moving forward.

Re: 'Miss Scarlet Jenal'

[pink_siamese]

Dialect is a sticky thing. Some people advocate for an apostrophe any place a sound is cut out of the word but I for one don't think it's necessary. Readers aren't stupid. They can figure it out in context. I think the trick to good dialect (at least in the good dialect I've read) is to put just enough accent into the words so the reader's mind can fill in the rest. I've read dialect that's so thickly rendered it practically takes a translator to understand any of it and that sort of defeats the purpose. We want to be able to imagine a character's accent, but the accent shouldn't be an impediment to what the character is actually saying, you know?

I don't think there's anything wrong with your dialect. I would just try writing some of it without the apostrophes and see how it looks. In my experience as a reader it's a little easier on the eyes (nothin instead of nothin', etc.).

Re: 'Miss Scarlet Jenal'

[ophelivia]

You're welcome, my beautiful ::hugs:: These are all those most fantastic people I keep yammering on about. And to everyone else, y'all should know that without her NONE of my writing would be possible!

'Miss Scarlet Jenal'

[anonymous]

"Watch out for old Thenardier
All of 'is family's on the make
Once ran a hash-house down the way
Bit of a swine, an' no mistake
He's got the gang, the bleeding layabout
Even his daughter does her share
That's Eponine *indicates Ophelivia*, she knows her way about
Only a kid, but hard to scare
Do we care? Not a cuss...
Long live us... LONG LIVE US!"

'Miss Scarlet Jenal'

[anonymous]

You guys rule. Thanks pink_siamese, I'll keep that in mind.

"Watch out for old Thenardier
All of 'is family's on the make
Once ran a hash-house down the way
Bit of a swine, an' no mistake
He's got the gang, the bleeding layabout
Even his daughter does her share
That's Eponine *indicates Ophelivia*, she knows her way about
Only a kid, but hard to scare
Do we care? Not a cuss...
Long live us... LONG LIVE US!"

Re: 'Miss Scarlet Jenal'

[ophelivia]

See, now you have to like USE your LJ 4 some stuff!