(no subject)
I just feel so defeated, I don't have the energy to fight anymore. I don't even know what I'm fighting for-- I don't know what I want, I'm tired of searching; all I'm coming up with are things I don't want. And, every time, I think maybe they will evolve into something I do, but they're stagnant. And, every time, it's so. fucking. hard. to keep moving.
When my mom was on the brink of suicide, she'd always tell me how inadequate was. And I never really understood it, because she was a more than adequate human being, but there was no convincing of her of this; she saw the world differently than those around her, and from her perspective, she had failed.
Now, don't get me wrong here, I'm not suicidal, but... I think I finally get it. I don't remember falling, just all of sudden I'm at the bottom of this pit, reaching for hands, only. I'm not worth saving. I am too inadequate to be spared the time, or the chance. I have nothing to offer, so why bother?
You can tell someone you're depressed, and despite the fact that a good chunk of everyone has been depressed at some point in their lives, no one can see from your perspective; no one can /really/ understand. So, they get uneasy, try to write it off as something they hope will pass, offer forced and unnecessary encouragement, or tell you to just deal. It's almost like you have cancer; there's no cure, so you're loaded up with chemicals and they try to poison it out of you, and if you do come out of it, you're this toxic mess... But maybe all you needed in the first place was just someone to be there to take your hand-- someone to offer nourishment.
I keep running Weakerthans lyrics in my head, trying to assure myself that I can climb out of this alone, and I will be a much better person for it. I'm missing a step, though-- I'm not even sure what "this" is-- I feel so crazy.
...Maybe I just really need to sleep for a couple of days.
When my mom was on the brink of suicide, she'd always tell me how inadequate was. And I never really understood it, because she was a more than adequate human being, but there was no convincing of her of this; she saw the world differently than those around her, and from her perspective, she had failed.
Now, don't get me wrong here, I'm not suicidal, but... I think I finally get it. I don't remember falling, just all of sudden I'm at the bottom of this pit, reaching for hands, only. I'm not worth saving. I am too inadequate to be spared the time, or the chance. I have nothing to offer, so why bother?
You can tell someone you're depressed, and despite the fact that a good chunk of everyone has been depressed at some point in their lives, no one can see from your perspective; no one can /really/ understand. So, they get uneasy, try to write it off as something they hope will pass, offer forced and unnecessary encouragement, or tell you to just deal. It's almost like you have cancer; there's no cure, so you're loaded up with chemicals and they try to poison it out of you, and if you do come out of it, you're this toxic mess... But maybe all you needed in the first place was just someone to be there to take your hand-- someone to offer nourishment.
I keep running Weakerthans lyrics in my head, trying to assure myself that I can climb out of this alone, and I will be a much better person for it. I'm missing a step, though-- I'm not even sure what "this" is-- I feel so crazy.
...Maybe I just really need to sleep for a couple of days.