Republican Dictionary
Learn your Newspeak before you are convicted of Thoughtcrime
Republican Dictionary
Abuse n: Modern word for what was once referred to as torture. An interim term, soon to be replaced by "tough love" (which, in turn, is expected to be replaced by "freedom's caress").
Activist Judge, n. A judge who at-tempts to protect the rights of min-orities--most especially homosexuals--against the tyranny of the majority.
Accountability, n. Buck? What buck?
Advise and Consent, n. A process to validate the nominations to key pos-itions made by the President. In the rare occasions where the will of the President is thwarted, this can be dispensed with since it would be inappropriate for him to change his mind or, worse, to submit to the will of the Democrats.
Alarmist, n. Any respected scientist who understands the threat of global warming.
Allies, n. Foreigners who do what Republicans tell them to do.
Alternative Energy Sources, n. New locations to drill for oil and gas.
Balanced, adj. 1. favoring corp-orations (a more balanced approach to the environment.); 2. favoring con-servatives (fair and balanced re-porting).
Bankrupcy, n. A legal proceeding designed to help airlines and other companies reduce labor costs. Re-cently this process has been abused by individuals who did not plan prop-erly for catastrophic illness or divorce.
Bipartisanship, adj. 1. When Dem-ocrats give in.; 2. When conservative Republicans work together with mod-erate Republicans to pass legislation Democrats hate.; 3. Our way or the highway.
"Burning Bush": A biblical allusion to the response of the President of the United States when asked a question by a journalist who has not been paid to inquire.
California, n. A state to be avoided. Populated in most regions by people who obviously are suffering dementia from too much time in the sun.
China: See Wal-Mart.
Civil Liberties, n. Unnecessary privileges that you aren't afraid of losing unless you are a God-hating, baby-killing, elitist liberal who loves Saddam Hussein more than your own safety.
Clarify, v. Repeating the same lie over and over again.
Clean, adj. The word used to modify any aspect of the environment Re-publican legislation allows corporat-ions to pollute, poison, or destroy.
Climate Change, n. Global warming, without that annoying suggestion that something is wrong.
Checks and Balances. 1. The system whereby the campaign checks of the few balance the interests of the many.; 2. An antiquated concept put forward by the Founding Fathers that impedes governmental efficiency for branches under Republican control (see also REFORM). ; 3. A system that, in the unlikely event that the milk toast democrats should ever again control anything, will prevent them from implementing any programs such as raising minimum wages, improving health care, fully funding schools, or raising taxes on the upper brackets that could negatively impact our base.
Class Warfare, n. 1. Any attempt to raise the minimum wage. ; 2. Any attempt to thwart tax cuts for the rich.
Coalition, n. One or more nations whose leaders have been duped, pres-sured or bribed into supporting ill-conceived, unnecessary, underplan-ned and/or illegal US military op-erations.
Conviction, n. Making decisions before getting the facts, and refusing to change your mind afterward.
Culture Of Life, n. A reduction of reproductive freedoms. This should not be confused with concerns for criminals on death row, even if they received an inadequate legal defense, or non-Christian foreigners who might be in the way when freedom is on the march.
Death n: An increasingly rare phenomenon, no longer occurring among soldiers of the U.S. army or civilians in affected countries. How-ever, the media reports that death is still caused by lone gunmen and over-consumption of saturated fats as well as natural disasters.
Death Tax, n. A term invented by anti-tax zealots and referring to a tax used to prevent the very wealthy from establishing a dominating aristocracy in this country.
Democracy n: 1. A product so extensively exported that the domest-ic supply is depleted.; 2. A country where the newspapers are pro-Amer-ican.; 3. When they vote for us. (See, tyranny: When they vote for someone else.)
Democratic Ally, n. Any democracy, monarchy, plutocracy, oligarchy or dictatorship--no matter how ruthless--that verbally supports American dip-lomatic and economic goals.
Democratic Party n. A group of girly men and lesbo women who advocate such subversive ideas as environ-mentalism, progressive tax codes, gun control, or corporate accountability.
Deregulate, v. To pursue greed and exploitation.
Detain, v. Hold in a secret place without recourse to law and treat in any manner one wishes.
Economic Progress, n. 1. Recession; 2. Rising unemployment; 3. Minimum-wage freeze.
Economic Recovery, n. When three out of five software engineers who lost their jobs to outsourcing are able to find part-time work at Wal-Mart.
Education, n. A dangerous process where students are trained to read, to reason, and to critically evaluate what they are told. Many people cling to the quaint idea that education is critical to the success of the nation, so it must be suppressed without being overtly critical. (see No Child Left Behind)
Election Fraud, n. Counting every vote.
Environmental Protection Agency: Economic Predators Inc.
Environmentalist, n. A subversive individual who works against the interests of America by demanding that corporations be responsible for the normal by-products of healthy industries.
Ethics, n. A standard of behavior to be applied to Democrats as a means to discredit them. Ethics never apply to a Republican, as our candidates are granted "Ethical" status as a result of membership in the party.
Faith, n. The stubborn belief that God approves of Republican moral values despite the preponderance of textual evidence to the contrary.
Faith-Based Initiative, n. Christian Right Payoff.
Faith Community, n. Evangelicals, because they are saved, and hawkish conservative Jews, because they are useful. Israel is the bait-on-the-hook just waiting for God to take that Rapturous bite.
Fairer, adj. Regressive.
Family Values, n. 1. Oppression of women & gays.; 2. Preventing access to sex education (See also Sex Education).
Fiscal Conservative, n. A Republican who is in the minority.
Fox News, n. White House Press Office. Syn. Faux news.
Freedom, n. What Arabs want but can't achieve on their own without Western military intervention. It bears a striking resemblance to chaos.
Free Press: 1. Government propaganda materials covertly funded with a quarter of a billion dollars of tax-payer money but given out for free to the press and then broadcast without any acknowledgment of the govern-ment's role in their preparation. 2. Newspapers that obscure the truth on behalf of corporate and government interests for free.
Free Speech Zone The area to which those who differ from the administration are confined should they be so audacious as to wish to exercise their right of free speech.
Girly Men, n. Those who do not grope women.
Global Warming, n. A concept developed by tree hugging scientists (see Alarmist) to try and force us to give up our Hummers. It is claimed to be based on a century of weather data and computer models (see Junk Science)
GOD, n. Senior presidential advisor.
Growth, n. The justification for tax cuts for the rich. What happens to the deficits when Republicans cut taxes on the rich.
Hard Work, n. What Republicans say when they can't think of anything better. anything better.
Healthy Forests, n. 1. No tree left behind.; 2. Forests made safe from the ravages of nature, i.e. bugs and fires, by removal to pulp mills and lumber yards.
Hollywood, n. A city focused on fantasy. It is populated by people who obviously are suffering dementia from smoking funny cigarettes and spending too much time in the sun. (see also California)
Homeland n: A term successfully used by the Germans and the Soviets in World War II, less successfully (and in the plural) by Apartheid-era South Africa. It means neither home, nor land, has replaced both country and nation in American public speech, and is seldom wielded without the companion word "security." It is used today in a quasi-religious chant when negative news or embarrassing quest-ions call for a change in topic.
Homeland Security: synonymous with Homeland insecurity.
Homeland Security Department: The new Department organized to limit union strength of government employees while transferring Federal dollars to the red states to "improve security. After all, you never know when Montana is to be attacked by al-Qaida. It is best known for its
"alert" system, declaring bridges yel-low and the Statue of Liberty orange.
Homeland Security Advisory System: 1. Color-coded program for emotional destabilization and confusion.; 2. A tool to distract America when negative stories are being broadcast.; 3. A system to diminish the electability potential of the opposition.
Honesty, n. Lies told in simple declarative sentences such as: "Freedom is on the march."
House of Representatives, n. Exclusive club, entry fee $1 to $5 million.
Humble Foreign Policy, n. The invasion of any sovereign nation whose leadership Republicans don't like.
Humbled adj. What a Republican says right after a close election and right before he governs in an arrogant manner.
Insurgent, n. Armed or unarmed, violent or non-violent Iraqi on the receiving end of an American rocket blast or bullet spray, regardless of age, gender or political affiliation.
Intelligence n: Assessment of "the bad guys" used by Dick Cheney to justify a preconceived policy. The CIA must provide this on request and if the CIA does not comply, it can be invented and attributed to the CIA. (See, Iraq, weapons of mass destruction)
Job Growth, n. Increased number of jobs an individual has to take after losing earlier high-paying job.
Junk Science, n. Sound science.
Leave No Child Behind: A program to provide "concern' for schools while cutting funding. (See also unfunded mandate)
Liberal adj: Used to vilify opponents, characterized as effeminate, immoral, and un-American. Widely used after the words progressive, radical, left, revolutionary, and insurrectionary were banned from the mainstream media, having the double benefit of making moderates seem vaguely dan-gerous and making revolutionaries seem vaguely embarrassing and in-effectual.
Liberal media: Ted Koppel and anarchist magazines.
Mandate, n. 1. What a Republican claims to possess when only 49 percent of the voting public loathes him instead of 51 percent.; 2. The opinion expressed by about a quarter of the eligible voters.; 3. The opinion reflected in an electoral-vote margin smaller than in any 20th century election other than 1916 and 2000.; 4. The opinion expressed by the smallest popular vote margin obtained by a sitting president since 1916.
Media (The) n. Immoral elitist liberally-biased traitors who should leave Republicans alone so they can complete God's work on Earth in peace and quiet, behind closed doors.
Moral Values, n. Hatred of homosexuals dressed up in Biblical language. (See also Family Values)
Modernize, v. To do away with, as in modernizing Social Security, labor laws, etc.
Mullah n: 1. (archaic) Religious teacher or leader, a title of respect in Islamic countries, pronounced "mull-a." 2. (informal) In the modern pres-idential vernacular, a title of dis-respect (pronounced "moo-lah") in ref-erence to Muslims deemed too fan-atical to be bought-off by American "moo-lah."
Neoconservatives, n. 1. Nerds with Napoleonic complexes.; 2. Individuals eager to send the sons and daughters of the poor to fight even though they dodged real military service when they could have fought.
Nationalism n: How foreigners love their country (when they do). A very dangerous phenomenon that can lead to extremes of passion, blindness, and xenophobia. (See, Terrorism)
Nonpartisan Judicial Nominee, n. An active member of the Federalist Society.
Northeast n. A region of the country that should be avoided at all cost. Government officials are known to challenge our great leader, George the Lesser, but they can be neutralized in our base (see Southern States) by a rousing chorus of "Dixie".
NRA n. Acronym for the National Rifle Association. An organization that believes its mission from God is to preserve the right to take and Uzi or a fully automatic M-16 out to hunt deer. Our kind of people.
Obstructionist, n. Any elected representative who dares to question Republican radicals on the issue of the day.
Office Of Faith-Based Initiatives, n. 1. Christian Right payoff. ; 2. Used to violate Constitutional separation of church and state.
Oil n: 1. Black gold. 2. (defunct acronym)
Operation Iraqi Liberation or OIL (name changed to Operation Iraqi Freedom, OIF, without explanation). 3. What the Bush ad-ministration wasn't after in Iraq and isn't after in Iran. (See, Democracy)
Ownership Society, n. 1. A society in which no one ever needs to own up to their mistakes or the consequences of their actions.; 2. A society in which Republican donors own the rest of us. 3. A strategy to improve stock prices.; 4. A society where you're on your own.; 3) The euphemism used by Republicans to promote or justify the elimination of Social Security which their powerful supporters don't need. Synonyms: PLUTOCRACY, CORP-ORATE FEUDALISM.; 5. You no longer own your national parks, your public transit, your commons, your government, your Bill of Rights, or your future, but you may purchase a Burger King franchise or stocks with your WalMart earnings.
Patriotism n: How Americans love their country. A trait so positive you can't have too much of it, and if you do, then you are a super-patriot which couldn't be better. (Foreigners cannot be patriotic. See, Nationalism)
Partial Birth Abortion, n. 1. A non-medical term invented to demonize a broad class of abortion procedures; 2. A strategy to reverse Roe v. Wade.
Peace n: What war is for.
Pentagon n: Currently, the official headquarters of the Defense Department, located in northern Virginia near Washington, D.C. This positioning had been strategically un-successful because of the close proximity to Congress. Since Congress insists on questioning the senior DOD team and thus interfearing with their work, The Department of Defense is soon be relocated. Management functions will be moved to a new complex, to be known as the Rumagon, that will be located in Texas adjacent to Halliburton headquarters. This will allow for the installation of a conveyer belt between buildings, permitting more rapid overpayment for no-bid contracts. Operational command will be moved to the new Global Forward Deployment Department or GFDD (Ge-Fudd). Its headquarters will be established in a building now being constructed in Bahrain out of sand imported from the beaches of Texas by Halliburton subsidiary KBR. From there, it can effectively manage world oil supplies.
Philosophy, n. Religion.
Political Capital, n. What a Republican president receives as a result of a razor-thin margin of victory in an election.
Press Conference, n. A rare event designed for the President to brag about his prowess as a leader while simultaneously dodging difficult questions.
Privatize, v. To steal the resources of the national community and give them to private business.
Public Opinion Polls: 1. Progress reports for spin-doctors.; 2. Formerly, validation of President's policies used to intimidate opposition and press.; 3. Current, irrelevant because questions were leading resulting in slanted data.
Reform, n. 1. Rollback of New Deal reforms, laws, standards and social protections. ; 2. To eliminate, as in tort reform (to eliminate all lawsuits against businesses and corporations) or Social Security and Medicare reform (to eliminate these programs altogether).
Republican Party: 1. (archaic) A party that values fiscal constraint and social moderation.; 2. (modern) A party that wraps itself in the flag and the Constitution while it assails the foundations of the Republic, attacking the balance and separation of powers (See, Assertions of Untrammeled Presidential Authority -- to violate do-mestic and international laws for-bidding torture); habeas corpus (See, Assertion of Right to Lock Away "Enemy Combatants" Forever - with-out due process of law); and fed-eralism (See, Legislative and Exec-utive Rampage -- to overturn state court decisions in the Terry Schiavo case).
Resolute, adj. Pig-headed.
Rummy slang: 1. (archaic) A person so drunk he can't recall a thing.; 2. (modern) A SECDEF so drunk on power that he refuses to remember anything.
Senate n: Exclusive club, entry fee $10 to $30 million.
Southern States n. God's country. A region where military traditions, guns, and the threat of gay marriage can be used to convince poor people to vote for Republicans, against their own physical and financial self interest.
Shock and Awe: A classic com-bination like "surf and turf"; special effects produced by the U.S. military at great expense with bright lights, and very loud noises. It is not to be confused with an effective military campaign or rational policy (See, State Terrorism).
Simplify, tr. v. To cut the taxes of Re-publican donors. This is done in such a way that other taxpayers thing they will be included in the tax cuts.
Slave, n. A person without legal rights, (See also Democrat, poor).
Small Business Owner, n. rich donors
SEC, n. 1. (archaic) A government agency to prevent corporate executives from deceiving investors.; 2. (current) A government agency to aid corporate executives in deceiving investors.
Security n: Something to be applied to the homeland but not to the social.
Social Security: 1. A good idea except for two problems: Social verges on socialism and guarantees of security violate a free market.; 2. A potential source of new investment capital for the stock market.
Social Security Reform, n. Leave no Wall Street broker behind.
Spreading Peace, v. Preemptive war.
Stay The Course, v. To relentlessly pursue a disastrous policy regardless of how far conditions deteriorate. Antonym: "To cut and run."
Staying The Course, v., The act of being stubborn and unable to admit glaring policy mistakes; being wrong and sticking with the wrong idea regardless of the consequences.
Strategic Competitor-China branch: Providing a former enemy an incentive to maintain good relations while using it as an industrial park for outsourcing low-paying and often polluting Industries.
Strict Constructionist, n. A judge with extremely conservative beliefs, who interprets laws in a manner that fits his/rarely-her own belief systems, while maintaining that this was the original intent of the law.
Stuff Happens: Official DOD response presented by Donald Rums-feld to questions regarding unantic-ipated problems in Iraq.
Support the Troops: A mandatory mantra which need no longer be mouthed since full "support" can be offered with a simple $1 investment in a magnetic yellow ribbon to affix to the back of your SUV.
Support The Military, v. To praise Bush when he sends our young men and women off to die for no reason and without proper body armor.
Tax Reform, n. The shifting of the tax burden from unearned income to earned income, or rather, from the wealthy elite to the working class.
Tax Simplification, n. A way to make it simpler for large US corporations to export American jobs to avoid paying US taxes.
Tort Reform, n. Corporate immunity and impunity.
Townhall Meeting: A meeting in a hall in a town where all the participants have first been vetted for loyalty to the Bush administration to insure no embarrassing questions are asked.
Torture, v. 1. (archaic) An abuse of human rights.; 2. (modern) An accept-able interrogation technique for in-dividuals we define as "enemy com-batants to help them see the error of their ways. (See also Abuse)
Torturer, n. 1. White House Counsel.; 2. Attorney General. ; 3. Secretary of Defense.
Unions, n. Organizations founded to make outrageous demands upon corp-orations for wages and fringe benefits.
Uniter, n. A Leader who brings to-gether his followers by fomenting hat-red for anyone who disagrees with him.
Very Clear, adj. Modifier used immediately before any preposterous explanation or rationale.
Wal-Mart: The nation-state, future tense.
Washington Press Corps: Extension of White House and Pentagon press offices. A group of easily intimidated writers working for large corporations with senior executives who support the Republican Party.
Wilderness n: 1. Publicly owned former habitat for wildlife, often endangered, where private corporat-ions go wild drilling for oil and gas, grazing cattle, logging, and building roads.; 2. Off-road vehicle theme parks characterized by abundant stumps, oil slicks, tire tracks, flattened owls, and coughing caribou.
Republican Dictionary
Abuse n: Modern word for what was once referred to as torture. An interim term, soon to be replaced by "tough love" (which, in turn, is expected to be replaced by "freedom's caress").
Activist Judge, n. A judge who at-tempts to protect the rights of min-orities--most especially homosexuals--against the tyranny of the majority.
Accountability, n. Buck? What buck?
Advise and Consent, n. A process to validate the nominations to key pos-itions made by the President. In the rare occasions where the will of the President is thwarted, this can be dispensed with since it would be inappropriate for him to change his mind or, worse, to submit to the will of the Democrats.
Alarmist, n. Any respected scientist who understands the threat of global warming.
Allies, n. Foreigners who do what Republicans tell them to do.
Alternative Energy Sources, n. New locations to drill for oil and gas.
Balanced, adj. 1. favoring corp-orations (a more balanced approach to the environment.); 2. favoring con-servatives (fair and balanced re-porting).
Bankrupcy, n. A legal proceeding designed to help airlines and other companies reduce labor costs. Re-cently this process has been abused by individuals who did not plan prop-erly for catastrophic illness or divorce.
Bipartisanship, adj. 1. When Dem-ocrats give in.; 2. When conservative Republicans work together with mod-erate Republicans to pass legislation Democrats hate.; 3. Our way or the highway.
"Burning Bush": A biblical allusion to the response of the President of the United States when asked a question by a journalist who has not been paid to inquire.
California, n. A state to be avoided. Populated in most regions by people who obviously are suffering dementia from too much time in the sun.
China: See Wal-Mart.
Civil Liberties, n. Unnecessary privileges that you aren't afraid of losing unless you are a God-hating, baby-killing, elitist liberal who loves Saddam Hussein more than your own safety.
Clarify, v. Repeating the same lie over and over again.
Clean, adj. The word used to modify any aspect of the environment Re-publican legislation allows corporat-ions to pollute, poison, or destroy.
Climate Change, n. Global warming, without that annoying suggestion that something is wrong.
Checks and Balances. 1. The system whereby the campaign checks of the few balance the interests of the many.; 2. An antiquated concept put forward by the Founding Fathers that impedes governmental efficiency for branches under Republican control (see also REFORM). ; 3. A system that, in the unlikely event that the milk toast democrats should ever again control anything, will prevent them from implementing any programs such as raising minimum wages, improving health care, fully funding schools, or raising taxes on the upper brackets that could negatively impact our base.
Class Warfare, n. 1. Any attempt to raise the minimum wage. ; 2. Any attempt to thwart tax cuts for the rich.
Coalition, n. One or more nations whose leaders have been duped, pres-sured or bribed into supporting ill-conceived, unnecessary, underplan-ned and/or illegal US military op-erations.
Conviction, n. Making decisions before getting the facts, and refusing to change your mind afterward.
Culture Of Life, n. A reduction of reproductive freedoms. This should not be confused with concerns for criminals on death row, even if they received an inadequate legal defense, or non-Christian foreigners who might be in the way when freedom is on the march.
Death n: An increasingly rare phenomenon, no longer occurring among soldiers of the U.S. army or civilians in affected countries. How-ever, the media reports that death is still caused by lone gunmen and over-consumption of saturated fats as well as natural disasters.
Death Tax, n. A term invented by anti-tax zealots and referring to a tax used to prevent the very wealthy from establishing a dominating aristocracy in this country.
Democracy n: 1. A product so extensively exported that the domest-ic supply is depleted.; 2. A country where the newspapers are pro-Amer-ican.; 3. When they vote for us. (See, tyranny: When they vote for someone else.)
Democratic Ally, n. Any democracy, monarchy, plutocracy, oligarchy or dictatorship--no matter how ruthless--that verbally supports American dip-lomatic and economic goals.
Democratic Party n. A group of girly men and lesbo women who advocate such subversive ideas as environ-mentalism, progressive tax codes, gun control, or corporate accountability.
Deregulate, v. To pursue greed and exploitation.
Detain, v. Hold in a secret place without recourse to law and treat in any manner one wishes.
Economic Progress, n. 1. Recession; 2. Rising unemployment; 3. Minimum-wage freeze.
Economic Recovery, n. When three out of five software engineers who lost their jobs to outsourcing are able to find part-time work at Wal-Mart.
Education, n. A dangerous process where students are trained to read, to reason, and to critically evaluate what they are told. Many people cling to the quaint idea that education is critical to the success of the nation, so it must be suppressed without being overtly critical. (see No Child Left Behind)
Election Fraud, n. Counting every vote.
Environmental Protection Agency: Economic Predators Inc.
Environmentalist, n. A subversive individual who works against the interests of America by demanding that corporations be responsible for the normal by-products of healthy industries.
Ethics, n. A standard of behavior to be applied to Democrats as a means to discredit them. Ethics never apply to a Republican, as our candidates are granted "Ethical" status as a result of membership in the party.
Faith, n. The stubborn belief that God approves of Republican moral values despite the preponderance of textual evidence to the contrary.
Faith-Based Initiative, n. Christian Right Payoff.
Faith Community, n. Evangelicals, because they are saved, and hawkish conservative Jews, because they are useful. Israel is the bait-on-the-hook just waiting for God to take that Rapturous bite.
Fairer, adj. Regressive.
Family Values, n. 1. Oppression of women & gays.; 2. Preventing access to sex education (See also Sex Education).
Fiscal Conservative, n. A Republican who is in the minority.
Fox News, n. White House Press Office. Syn. Faux news.
Freedom, n. What Arabs want but can't achieve on their own without Western military intervention. It bears a striking resemblance to chaos.
Free Press: 1. Government propaganda materials covertly funded with a quarter of a billion dollars of tax-payer money but given out for free to the press and then broadcast without any acknowledgment of the govern-ment's role in their preparation. 2. Newspapers that obscure the truth on behalf of corporate and government interests for free.
Free Speech Zone The area to which those who differ from the administration are confined should they be so audacious as to wish to exercise their right of free speech.
Girly Men, n. Those who do not grope women.
Global Warming, n. A concept developed by tree hugging scientists (see Alarmist) to try and force us to give up our Hummers. It is claimed to be based on a century of weather data and computer models (see Junk Science)
GOD, n. Senior presidential advisor.
Growth, n. The justification for tax cuts for the rich. What happens to the deficits when Republicans cut taxes on the rich.
Hard Work, n. What Republicans say when they can't think of anything better. anything better.
Healthy Forests, n. 1. No tree left behind.; 2. Forests made safe from the ravages of nature, i.e. bugs and fires, by removal to pulp mills and lumber yards.
Hollywood, n. A city focused on fantasy. It is populated by people who obviously are suffering dementia from smoking funny cigarettes and spending too much time in the sun. (see also California)
Homeland n: A term successfully used by the Germans and the Soviets in World War II, less successfully (and in the plural) by Apartheid-era South Africa. It means neither home, nor land, has replaced both country and nation in American public speech, and is seldom wielded without the companion word "security." It is used today in a quasi-religious chant when negative news or embarrassing quest-ions call for a change in topic.
Homeland Security: synonymous with Homeland insecurity.
Homeland Security Department: The new Department organized to limit union strength of government employees while transferring Federal dollars to the red states to "improve security. After all, you never know when Montana is to be attacked by al-Qaida. It is best known for its
"alert" system, declaring bridges yel-low and the Statue of Liberty orange.
Homeland Security Advisory System: 1. Color-coded program for emotional destabilization and confusion.; 2. A tool to distract America when negative stories are being broadcast.; 3. A system to diminish the electability potential of the opposition.
Honesty, n. Lies told in simple declarative sentences such as: "Freedom is on the march."
House of Representatives, n. Exclusive club, entry fee $1 to $5 million.
Humble Foreign Policy, n. The invasion of any sovereign nation whose leadership Republicans don't like.
Humbled adj. What a Republican says right after a close election and right before he governs in an arrogant manner.
Insurgent, n. Armed or unarmed, violent or non-violent Iraqi on the receiving end of an American rocket blast or bullet spray, regardless of age, gender or political affiliation.
Intelligence n: Assessment of "the bad guys" used by Dick Cheney to justify a preconceived policy. The CIA must provide this on request and if the CIA does not comply, it can be invented and attributed to the CIA. (See, Iraq, weapons of mass destruction)
Job Growth, n. Increased number of jobs an individual has to take after losing earlier high-paying job.
Junk Science, n. Sound science.
Leave No Child Behind: A program to provide "concern' for schools while cutting funding. (See also unfunded mandate)
Liberal adj: Used to vilify opponents, characterized as effeminate, immoral, and un-American. Widely used after the words progressive, radical, left, revolutionary, and insurrectionary were banned from the mainstream media, having the double benefit of making moderates seem vaguely dan-gerous and making revolutionaries seem vaguely embarrassing and in-effectual.
Liberal media: Ted Koppel and anarchist magazines.
Mandate, n. 1. What a Republican claims to possess when only 49 percent of the voting public loathes him instead of 51 percent.; 2. The opinion expressed by about a quarter of the eligible voters.; 3. The opinion reflected in an electoral-vote margin smaller than in any 20th century election other than 1916 and 2000.; 4. The opinion expressed by the smallest popular vote margin obtained by a sitting president since 1916.
Media (The) n. Immoral elitist liberally-biased traitors who should leave Republicans alone so they can complete God's work on Earth in peace and quiet, behind closed doors.
Moral Values, n. Hatred of homosexuals dressed up in Biblical language. (See also Family Values)
Modernize, v. To do away with, as in modernizing Social Security, labor laws, etc.
Mullah n: 1. (archaic) Religious teacher or leader, a title of respect in Islamic countries, pronounced "mull-a." 2. (informal) In the modern pres-idential vernacular, a title of dis-respect (pronounced "moo-lah") in ref-erence to Muslims deemed too fan-atical to be bought-off by American "moo-lah."
Neoconservatives, n. 1. Nerds with Napoleonic complexes.; 2. Individuals eager to send the sons and daughters of the poor to fight even though they dodged real military service when they could have fought.
Nationalism n: How foreigners love their country (when they do). A very dangerous phenomenon that can lead to extremes of passion, blindness, and xenophobia. (See, Terrorism)
Nonpartisan Judicial Nominee, n. An active member of the Federalist Society.
Northeast n. A region of the country that should be avoided at all cost. Government officials are known to challenge our great leader, George the Lesser, but they can be neutralized in our base (see Southern States) by a rousing chorus of "Dixie".
NRA n. Acronym for the National Rifle Association. An organization that believes its mission from God is to preserve the right to take and Uzi or a fully automatic M-16 out to hunt deer. Our kind of people.
Obstructionist, n. Any elected representative who dares to question Republican radicals on the issue of the day.
Office Of Faith-Based Initiatives, n. 1. Christian Right payoff. ; 2. Used to violate Constitutional separation of church and state.
Oil n: 1. Black gold. 2. (defunct acronym)
Operation Iraqi Liberation or OIL (name changed to Operation Iraqi Freedom, OIF, without explanation). 3. What the Bush ad-ministration wasn't after in Iraq and isn't after in Iran. (See, Democracy)
Ownership Society, n. 1. A society in which no one ever needs to own up to their mistakes or the consequences of their actions.; 2. A society in which Republican donors own the rest of us. 3. A strategy to improve stock prices.; 4. A society where you're on your own.; 3) The euphemism used by Republicans to promote or justify the elimination of Social Security which their powerful supporters don't need. Synonyms: PLUTOCRACY, CORP-ORATE FEUDALISM.; 5. You no longer own your national parks, your public transit, your commons, your government, your Bill of Rights, or your future, but you may purchase a Burger King franchise or stocks with your WalMart earnings.
Patriotism n: How Americans love their country. A trait so positive you can't have too much of it, and if you do, then you are a super-patriot which couldn't be better. (Foreigners cannot be patriotic. See, Nationalism)
Partial Birth Abortion, n. 1. A non-medical term invented to demonize a broad class of abortion procedures; 2. A strategy to reverse Roe v. Wade.
Peace n: What war is for.
Pentagon n: Currently, the official headquarters of the Defense Department, located in northern Virginia near Washington, D.C. This positioning had been strategically un-successful because of the close proximity to Congress. Since Congress insists on questioning the senior DOD team and thus interfearing with their work, The Department of Defense is soon be relocated. Management functions will be moved to a new complex, to be known as the Rumagon, that will be located in Texas adjacent to Halliburton headquarters. This will allow for the installation of a conveyer belt between buildings, permitting more rapid overpayment for no-bid contracts. Operational command will be moved to the new Global Forward Deployment Department or GFDD (Ge-Fudd). Its headquarters will be established in a building now being constructed in Bahrain out of sand imported from the beaches of Texas by Halliburton subsidiary KBR. From there, it can effectively manage world oil supplies.
Philosophy, n. Religion.
Political Capital, n. What a Republican president receives as a result of a razor-thin margin of victory in an election.
Press Conference, n. A rare event designed for the President to brag about his prowess as a leader while simultaneously dodging difficult questions.
Privatize, v. To steal the resources of the national community and give them to private business.
Public Opinion Polls: 1. Progress reports for spin-doctors.; 2. Formerly, validation of President's policies used to intimidate opposition and press.; 3. Current, irrelevant because questions were leading resulting in slanted data.
Reform, n. 1. Rollback of New Deal reforms, laws, standards and social protections. ; 2. To eliminate, as in tort reform (to eliminate all lawsuits against businesses and corporations) or Social Security and Medicare reform (to eliminate these programs altogether).
Republican Party: 1. (archaic) A party that values fiscal constraint and social moderation.; 2. (modern) A party that wraps itself in the flag and the Constitution while it assails the foundations of the Republic, attacking the balance and separation of powers (See, Assertions of Untrammeled Presidential Authority -- to violate do-mestic and international laws for-bidding torture); habeas corpus (See, Assertion of Right to Lock Away "Enemy Combatants" Forever - with-out due process of law); and fed-eralism (See, Legislative and Exec-utive Rampage -- to overturn state court decisions in the Terry Schiavo case).
Resolute, adj. Pig-headed.
Rummy slang: 1. (archaic) A person so drunk he can't recall a thing.; 2. (modern) A SECDEF so drunk on power that he refuses to remember anything.
Senate n: Exclusive club, entry fee $10 to $30 million.
Southern States n. God's country. A region where military traditions, guns, and the threat of gay marriage can be used to convince poor people to vote for Republicans, against their own physical and financial self interest.
Shock and Awe: A classic com-bination like "surf and turf"; special effects produced by the U.S. military at great expense with bright lights, and very loud noises. It is not to be confused with an effective military campaign or rational policy (See, State Terrorism).
Simplify, tr. v. To cut the taxes of Re-publican donors. This is done in such a way that other taxpayers thing they will be included in the tax cuts.
Slave, n. A person without legal rights, (See also Democrat, poor).
Small Business Owner, n. rich donors
SEC, n. 1. (archaic) A government agency to prevent corporate executives from deceiving investors.; 2. (current) A government agency to aid corporate executives in deceiving investors.
Security n: Something to be applied to the homeland but not to the social.
Social Security: 1. A good idea except for two problems: Social verges on socialism and guarantees of security violate a free market.; 2. A potential source of new investment capital for the stock market.
Social Security Reform, n. Leave no Wall Street broker behind.
Spreading Peace, v. Preemptive war.
Stay The Course, v. To relentlessly pursue a disastrous policy regardless of how far conditions deteriorate. Antonym: "To cut and run."
Staying The Course, v., The act of being stubborn and unable to admit glaring policy mistakes; being wrong and sticking with the wrong idea regardless of the consequences.
Strategic Competitor-China branch: Providing a former enemy an incentive to maintain good relations while using it as an industrial park for outsourcing low-paying and often polluting Industries.
Strict Constructionist, n. A judge with extremely conservative beliefs, who interprets laws in a manner that fits his/rarely-her own belief systems, while maintaining that this was the original intent of the law.
Stuff Happens: Official DOD response presented by Donald Rums-feld to questions regarding unantic-ipated problems in Iraq.
Support the Troops: A mandatory mantra which need no longer be mouthed since full "support" can be offered with a simple $1 investment in a magnetic yellow ribbon to affix to the back of your SUV.
Support The Military, v. To praise Bush when he sends our young men and women off to die for no reason and without proper body armor.
Tax Reform, n. The shifting of the tax burden from unearned income to earned income, or rather, from the wealthy elite to the working class.
Tax Simplification, n. A way to make it simpler for large US corporations to export American jobs to avoid paying US taxes.
Tort Reform, n. Corporate immunity and impunity.
Townhall Meeting: A meeting in a hall in a town where all the participants have first been vetted for loyalty to the Bush administration to insure no embarrassing questions are asked.
Torture, v. 1. (archaic) An abuse of human rights.; 2. (modern) An accept-able interrogation technique for in-dividuals we define as "enemy com-batants to help them see the error of their ways. (See also Abuse)
Torturer, n. 1. White House Counsel.; 2. Attorney General. ; 3. Secretary of Defense.
Unions, n. Organizations founded to make outrageous demands upon corp-orations for wages and fringe benefits.
Uniter, n. A Leader who brings to-gether his followers by fomenting hat-red for anyone who disagrees with him.
Very Clear, adj. Modifier used immediately before any preposterous explanation or rationale.
Wal-Mart: The nation-state, future tense.
Washington Press Corps: Extension of White House and Pentagon press offices. A group of easily intimidated writers working for large corporations with senior executives who support the Republican Party.
Wilderness n: 1. Publicly owned former habitat for wildlife, often endangered, where private corporat-ions go wild drilling for oil and gas, grazing cattle, logging, and building roads.; 2. Off-road vehicle theme parks characterized by abundant stumps, oil slicks, tire tracks, flattened owls, and coughing caribou.