The History Boys.
Irwin. Timms. Unreliable lifts and undeniable mockery.
There was a sudden sound, high and unpleasant and ominously reminiscent of those heard in cinemas playing blockbuster action films every drowsy Yorkshire summer.
"Did you h-- did a cable just snap?" Tom Irwin asked, not quite masking the nervousness which had crept into his voice. The sole other occupant of the lift - a large man with a moustache of dishwater blonde, sloppily dressed in a brown mismatched set of plaid jacket and pinstriped trousers - glanced up from his newspaper for the briefest of seconds, before shrugging non-committally and turning a page.
Irwin frowned, displeased that this stranger seemed so undisturbed by potential sudden death.
"I think I heard something. A cable snapping," he continued, unsteadily, as if he'd actually received a response. He was repeating himself, but that hardly mattered if they were about to plunge to the hard concrete thirty-two storeys below. Left hand clenching on his lap, the other curled into a loose fist against the leather armrest of his wheelchair, he sucked in a breath and strained to hear more.
"Did you," the man asked, his flat tone making the words a statement of disinterest rather than a question. He'd waited such a long time to respond that, for a moment, Irwin was confused as to what he was replying to.
"I did," he said tightly.
"Fantastic," said the man. "Well-- no, not fantastic, but... you know what I mean."
"Hrmm," Irwin responded with a forced smile.
"So." The man was attempting a light, frosty tone - crisp, business-like - but ended up only managing something like someone who'd accidentally snagged an unfortunate zipper over a certain personal extremity. "Let's say you actually heard... a sound of... the... snapping variety. We could always just send out a.... er. You know, a-- wassit called."
"A distress call?"
"Er, yeah. That's the one."
There was a shuffle of paper, and-- oh, he was reading again. Unbelievable.
Irwin's throat tightened.
"Oh, and it'd be terribly useful to have maintenence's assistance after we're laying in a bloody, lifeless heap at the bottom of the lift shaft, wouldn't it? Perhaps they'll dust our remains into neat, decorative piles."
The words escaped his mouth before he could stop them. To his credit, the man at least spared him a look of annoyance before returning to his idle paper-reading yet again.
"Oh, keep your hair on. I can sort this out quick enough for us. Falling lift, not that hard. Cambridge degree and all, damned thing ought to be useful for something, am I right?"
"You went to Cambridge?" Irwin couldn't help the incredulity that had leaked into his tone, nor the impolite way he was sure he was staring. The stranger didn't seem to mind, however.
"Trinity Hall," he asserted, a proud glint entering his formerly bored gaze. "Four long years." His chest seemed to puff out a bit as he lifted his head; the stance of someone preparing to brag mercilessly. "Quite a story, really. You know, I was go--"
There was an abrupt pause as he blinked, getting a look at Irwin's face for the first time since they'd entered the lift together. His jaw fell slack, eyes widening almost comically.
"Mr Irwin? Fucking hell."
Irwin sighed, recognition finally nudging his own normally sharp memory into place.
"Hello, Timms."
----
The voice sounded, even through the crackle of static, quite sheepish.
"So, looks like you will be stuck there for just a bit."
A bit?
"Perhaps one of you lot has a deck of cards or summat to pass the time? Hey-- bet you can finally turn into the solitaire player you'd always dreamed of becoming, now! Hahaha!"
Irwin didn't laugh.
"Hey, hey, now..." The voice had the audacity to actually sound concerned. "You all right in there? No one passed out or unconscious or dead or anything?"
"Not at present!" Timms replied.
"Grand, grand! Right. Well. When you lot get down from there, you and us - maintenence, that is - we'll chat a bit on it! Lawsuits don't make anyone any friends! Just look at this as... a bit of well-deserved relaxation!"
A 'bit.' There was that word again. Irwin wondered if the man on the other side of the intercom would mind very much missing certain bits of his own after Irwin was through with him.
"Well, s'good that you're all right. Help'll be on the way soon. Just-- steady on, 'n all."
"'Steady on'?" Irwin repeated in disbelief.
"That's what he said," Timms reaffirmed cheerfully.
"I didn't need clarification, thank you," Irwin muttered, but Timms hadn't even heard him, now crouched down and gazing at the rusted speaker with the fascination and awe one might hold toward a shiny piece of alien technology.
"Ooooer, I wonder what th--"
Irwin smacked Timms' hand away from the emergency button.
----
Timms sighed with a sense of authority. "I s'pose since we're, like... adult and all, now, we'd better go by our real names. Mine's Tony, by the way."
He held out a hand dutifully. Irwin stared at it.
"Oh, go on," Timms pressed, waggling his fingers. "We're not strangers here. Not anymore, anyway." He stared at Irwin with the exasperation of a tired parent. "Didn't your mother ever tell you it's impolite not to shake a proferred hand?"
Irwin's mother had told him many things; chiefly among them, to be wary of touching something if he wasn't sure where it'd last been.
But Timms was watching him expectantly, expression surprisingly serious, and Irwin finally gave up, shoulders sagging a little as he reached up to shake his hand. The younger man beamed.
"There we are," he said, voice smoothed into something unfamiliarly low and soothing that was somehow, Irwin knew, mocking him quite openly. "See? It's not so bad, is it? No joy buzzer on my finger or clump of blackberry jam on my palm--"
Irwin pulled his hand away with a sharp tug, lifting his chin defiantly. "Sure, not this time."
Timms' eyes crinkled in the corners as he sniggered loudly. His face suddenly glazed over with a remembrance of better days, shattering the thin illusion of a well-adjusted adult. "Actually, the jam was Lockwood. I used marmalade."
"Delightful. I'll have to get the recipe sometime."
"Difficult time washing it off?"
"A bit, yes, now that you mention it."
"Ah. The glue probably didn't help with that, I'm sure."
Irwin's jaw tightened, but he refused to show a loss of composure. Shouting could only lead to a waste of precious oxygen; something which would undoubtedly become more rare the longer that help took to arrive.
If it even came at all.
Shoving that horrifying thought aside, Irwin cleared his throat and forced another smile. The number of years he'd been on television had honed his skills when it came to hiding obvious annoyance.
"You don't have any children, I hope?"
----
"I've seen Die Hard! It can't be that difficult, can it, just push around some wires until you get them all in the--"
"No."
----
"...so what you're saying, essentially, is that if they don't pay the bill in time, you scrap and sell the clothing to young neighbourhood girls aspiring to be fashion designers?"
"Well, fair's fair. I cleaned it up, I took care of it; it really belongs to me after all that, then, doesn't it?"
"But it doesn't. You didn't purchase it. Therefore, it's not yours. Unless, for some reason, the customer in question were to-- give it to you, or... oh, put it to you in their will, but if - as is most likely - they didn't, then... no. No, it doesn't belong to you."
"That's only your perspective."
"It's stealing."
"I hardly think," Timms sniffed, voice suddenly faux posh and indignant, "that you've any room to talk about what's considered moral."
Irwin stared at his lap. He really didn't.
"No," he finally admitted. Timms grinned, facade of anger swept away as quickly as it appeared.
"S'all right there, Tom! No harm done."
Irwin was struggling to work out how this brief exchange had suddenly somehow turned him into the villain.
"I'd appreciate it if you kept from mocking me, thanks."
Timms gaped in a rather poor attempt at astonishment. "What's this? Mocking? Me? Me, mocking you-- oh, never."
"Then kindly stop that jolly little pantomime of blinking and fluttering your hands against your chest. You're not offended, and we both know it; you only look like some epileptic housewife who's just won the lotto."
Timms' arms dropped to his sides, crushed newspaper crackling in protest beneath his armpit. He frowned. "No need to get so touchy about it, Tom. What's the matter, not getting enough of the old in/out?"
"That-- first of all, that is vile, and... 'in/out'? Sorry, where were you raised, some sort of dystopian future wasteland?"
----
"Wait a minute-- is that cocaine? You are taking cocaine? In a lift?"
It was as if the man kept trying to top himself in some endless stupidity competition.
"Not like the coppers are going to come bursting through the door any minute, are they?"
"Very amusing. And... let's rewind here, again, just a second. I... it's not that I can say I ever thought you the sensible sort, but... cocaine?"
"Only on weekends."
Timms' casual tone of voice told Irwin that this made it entirely acceptable.
Sighing in defeat seemed the only way to respond. Irwin rubbed at his temples, too tired to even argue, but Timms' eyes seemed to light up as he took account of his defeated expression, perhaps mistaking exhaustion as some bizarre secret code that only he could understand.
"Interested, are you?" He was almost leering. "Well, let's just say that I've a friend, named Brian, who would be more than happy to m--"
The glare that Irwin shot in his direction was enough to halt his sentence.
"Well." Irwin cleared his throat. "I can't say that it's... surprising, really, that you've turned out this way."
Timms looked triumphant and confused by this statement all at once.
----
They really could do with a bit of music in this lift. Even something as dreadful as Greatest Hits of the Thompson Twins would be better than painful, stretched out silence.
"Still in touch with your old classmates?"
"Eh, time to time. See Scripps every now and then. Akthar works at the grammar school down the road from my house. Posner seems to have fallen off the fucking face of the earth, but he rabbits his way into the corner shops for the necessaries every once in a while, so I drag him around for a pubcrawl whenever I can afford it."
"I'll bet he enjoys that," Irwin said, knowing Posner wouldn't.
"Sure he does," Timms said amicably.
"And what's Lockwood doing now?"
"Fuck, you mean you've never heard?" Irwin's blank stare confirmed it. Timms beamed at the opportunity to reveal this next bit of information. "Why, he's a magistrate!"
"Oh, good Christ," Irwin muttered. Timms' responding grin told him that being best mates with said magistrate had more than a few perks.
"Jimmy's not biased or anything, really," he began, catching onto the expression on Irwin's face. "He's brilliant at his job. He just, you know--"
"--happens to be more lenient with you?" Irwin finished dryly. Timms' smug grin seemed to be permanently pasted on.
"Could say that."
Any objections that Irwin may have had against this questionable development in the judicial system were interrupted by a very welcome crackle of static.
"'Lo, there!" chirped the lift intercom. Timms lifted his arm, almost as if to wave in response, before slowly lowering it back down. "Seems the kinks've been worked out, so to speak. Our apologies again, gentlemen! Complimentary coffee, courtesy of the management, will be awaiting you in the lobby!"
After a brief hiccuping jolt that made Irwin grip his armrests and Timms' eyes dart around suspiciously, the lift slowly hummed back to life, continuing its descent to both the ground floor and civilisation.
"Damn, and we were just starting to become best mates," Timms muttered. Irwin rolled his eyes.
----
"Oi! Wait!"
He looked ridiculous, he really did, sprinting down the marble tile in his mismatched suit past well-to-do businessmen and women who barely glanced his way - moving at a speed surprising for a man of his girth, his left arm was outstretched and flailing in front of him, as if he was trying to hail a cab inside the building. Nonetheless, Irwin turned, slowing his pace as Timms, red-faced and panting, finally caught up to him.
"I was wondering... could you sign something for me?"
"For you?" Irwin asked, bemused, pulling his chair to a solid halt. Timms, however, neither flushed nor averted his gaze; only smiled, wide and friendly without a trace of mockery.
"Well, not for me," he continued, quickly. "For the missus. She'll never believe me if I don't bring back proof, and I sort of forgot the anniversary the other week, so this'll really-- just. Yeah. Just make it to Sonia - Sonia with an I-A, not Y-A - and then add some of that fancy meaningless addendum shite that celebrities always do. 'All my best. Good luck to you. Long live life.'" Irwin raised an eyebrow at that last one. "You know the sort."
Timms fished around in one sagging, pinstriped pocket before retrieving a paper scrap, white and torn, inside a clenched fist.
"Here you are."
"An old napkin?" Irwin asked, staring at it dubiously.
"Well, it's all I've got," Timms began, defensively. "I mean, there's my newspaper, of course, but I'm not even finished with it, so that's clearly out..."
Irwin nodded, accepting the napkin emblazoned with the brown and yellow 'M' with the most dignity he could muster, before scribbling:
To Sonia,
Thanks for being a fan, and keep watching.
Best wishes,
T. Irwin
He felt quite proud that he was able to restrain himself from adding: P.S. Apologies on your marriage.
"Oh, brilliant," Timms said, grinning, and stuffed the napkin back into his pocket. "Thanks. Your handwriting's just as flourishing and pretentious as I remember. She'll love it."
Irwin told himself that this was a compliment.
Pushing his glasses back up the bridge of his nose, he regarded the man in front of him and smiled back, surprised to find that he was no longer forcing himself.
"You're welcome."