Left Hanging
So last weekend I went to a Real Escape game, Escape from the Walled City, which is basically a big puzzle game with a theme (Attack on Titan in this case). I got invited by folks who live in SF whom I essentially know through edgecase (I guess I also know Ann because she's the sister of a fellow high school anime club member and then was a legend of sorts in my college anime club), but when I went to go buy the ticket, the time slot they were all signed up for had sold out D: Seriously, this just keeps happening to me--the minute I confirm that I can definitely make something, the tickets sell out and then I am left hanging.
As a last minute bit of luck, the two folks from my own circles (ONLY TWO, my local friends are lame... well, some of them were sick at the time and probably would have gone, but otherwise LAME and work-busy) who were interested in going ALSO hadn't bought their tickets, so I ended up going to the morning session with them. We didn't escape, and I wasn't useful for most of the puzzles (but I got the 3DMG puzzle super fast because OMG it had actual instructions), but we had all never done it before (including the group of 4 we got joined up with), so I think having a little experience would have helped us out. Also, if we'd switched things up a little more with the first puzzle, we'd have been way less stumped (we picked one of the hard ones to start with, d'oh) and would have had more time to solve the last puzzle (which I basically got to the next step on after the timer expired and when they were preparing to go over how to solve some of the earlier puzzles). Le sigh. The group that originally invited me, which has been to some games, DID escape, which reinforces my belief that if we did a couple more of these we'd be better at it. (Even though I'm naturally lousy at puzzles, which is why I was such a dead weight in the Puzzle Hunts on campus that I had participated in.) It was a good time, and I think the three of us would all be up for doing it again sometime :D
When we went off to lunch, one of the four we'd joined up with (who apparently didn't know the others that well at all and had literally met them the day before, been told about the event, and bought the ticket at the door to join them) tagged along with the three of us and was a little pitifully in a search for friends, including (weak) attempts to invite himself to the DnD game, which I was trying to talk Katy and Dustin into joining. He seemed like a nice enough kid, I think he was just rubbing me the wrong way with the odd clinginess. Afterwards, we rode the train back and I went off to the MiKerry residence for their Super Bowl Party (where we kind of just talk and have the game running in the background because we're not sports people) and I got there in time to see all the shenanigans at the end :P Wow, Seahawks, that's gotta sting. I did, however, miss the Katy Perry sharks and pretty much all of the commercials except that dumb T-Mobile one with that annoyingly vapid Kardashian woman.
This weekend, being the weekend before Valentine's Day, everyone wanted to do everything. On Saturday. I had to turn down a couple of different invitations (including a ski trip, which I was SUPER bummed to have to turn down), and ended up going to a health care fair thing for my workplace that... didn't really answer the questions I had but answered some questions I didn't have before the fair (so some good, some bad) and a co-worker's baby shower.
I felt like the baby shower present was the one thing I had actually done well with this week, which has been a completely painful disaster at work. The co-worker in question, Deb, was having twins and she and her husband Dan both love books, so they were asking for books and baby clothes. I got the clever idea that I could get them The Cat in the Hat and Thing 1 & Thing 2 onesies as a cute themed gift. (Also these stickers in pink & blue, since she's having one of each, for organizational help.) As I rolled into the neighborhood of the father-to-be's parents' house (they were hosting), I should have known things were going downhill quickly because I felt like I and my car were an eyesore in the neighborhood. I was literally afraid to step out of my car because I thought I'd be arrested for being too poor to be lurking in such a nice area :( I spent, no joke, like 20 minutes in the car parked outside the house in question double-checking that I had the right address because I was worried that, by driving around in my old Saturn, I would be mistaken for a bum. (It was also raining heavily, so I was partly hoping the rain would let up enough to make a dash for the door, which it did.) And then I got inside. The entire theme of the shower was Thing 1 & Thing 2. There was a copy of The Cat in the Hat displayed as one of the decorations. I learned from Kerry later that the theme (which she helped with, because I guess I don't get asked to help with anything anymore) was inspired by... the gift of Thing 1 & Thing 2 onesies at a previous shower. It was a struggle not to bolt back out the door in shame :(
But even prior to discovering that they already had pretty much everything in my gift already (except the stickers, which are way more expensive than they look, and thus don't seem to count for much), I walk in the door to be greeted by the father-to-be's mother. Who looks me up and down, and when I extend my hand in greeting, she just makes NO motion to take it or anything. I probably deer-in-the-headlight-ed for a bit before just putting my hand down. Either she was worried about the fact that one of my eyes was irritated and red (I'd woken up with it really irritated and it didn't really get that much better during the day--it's still a bit red) and didn't want to shake because she thought I had Pink Eye or there's just something about me that just clearly doesn't belong in such a lovely, nice place ._. I haven't felt like that level of scum/pariah in a very long time. Which obviously only got worse once I realized the whole thing about the presents. Naturally, they opened mine first ;_; I apologized profusely about not knowing what the theme was, but that's not really helpful. I really thought I was being clever/cute, and now it's just a gift that (literally) blends in with the background. That both Kerry and Deb both insisted very quickly and urgently that duplicates were totally okay and even desirable really only supports the fact that they aren't :( It probably didn't help that the only people I knew there were Deb, Mike & Kerry, and another coworker there (Jessica) who had actually organized this shower, so when Mike & Kerry had to leave to go relieve the sitter, I took the opportunity to slink out myself. (Also because my body decided Saturday was a great day for cramps, so I was all-around some kind of miserable for a good chunk of my time there, even if it was otherwise a lovely party.) I had a small cry over it when I got home, because I just feel stupid about the gift situation, even if I couldn't have known what people don't elect to tell me.
This probably hurts more than it should because Kerry got invited to help with the decorations, but I hadn't. I mean, this is the group that I did the Halloween costumes with the Halloween before last, so I thought maybe I was at least an honorary member of the group if not a full-fledged member :/ But I didn't get invited to help with the planning of the Christmas stuff (even though Kerry still asked me for a bunch of ideas for the part she was working on), and I wasn't asked to help with another work event type thing in spite of making it quite known that I had joined the events committee and was willing to help. I'm just not privy to the circle or something, probably because I sit on the opposite end of the floor; out of sight, out of mind. It stings, even if it's stupid, because this is also the pair of co-workers that Kerry went to Disneyland with on that stupid trip that I'm still mad at her for (although apparently doing a damn fine job of keeping civil about it, because I don't think she realizes that I'm still HOPPING MAD). I'm never going to be one of them, I guess, and I'm tired of not being considered, and not being part of a group. Any group. I guess that doesn't matter. It's also a little disheartening to realize that, were I somehow to land in a situation which could require a shower (baby/wedding/etc.), I don't think I have anyone who would actually organize one for me (let alone the apparently 4 showers that have been organized for Deb's twins--that is a LOT of friends). And you can't really self-organize that without looking like you're just grubbing for gifts (which is kind of what these events are anyway), so I'd just be left hanging. Again. Not really in a good place right now, in more ways than one :( It's a lonely place, but in a way I've been there for a long time--I have no best friend, and am nobody's best friend. And now I know that even my closest of friends (at least locally) don't really care anymore. Maybe never cared in the first place. Hmn.
Some of this drama is also desperately needing something in my life to feel like an honest win, because everything is going so poorly in just about every aspect that could be considered meaningful to someone of my age and health level. I thought at least the gift idea would be a solid, if miniscule, win. The reality is that I'm not getting a clear win, because there isn't a clear win for me anywhere. I am a loser, in the winner vs. loser sort of way. (I like to think I haven't fallen so far as to be the general type of loser.) My cubemate's even been chiding me about not going up to some of the upper management (the same people, I should add, whose shit lists I was on a year or two ago for being overly candid) and just straight up telling them I want to be doing other work (which he believes they can get/materialize for me, for some reason). I guess that's something he does, just going up to these folks and saying stuff, but he's young and brazen and can pull that kind of confidence thing off. I am not the go-up-and-talk-to-people-I-don't-know kind. If I were, I'd be better at interviews and I wouldn't still be working where I'm working, doing what I'm stuck doing. And, as mentioned above, they don't really know my name for any good reasons at this point. My manager had to defend me against them back then, which is probably the only reason I wasn't sent out in the last round of layoffs we had.
Speaking of interviews, my manager wants me to go out to lunch with a potential fresh-out-of-college new hire along with another (somewhat cynical) co-worker, and I gave him a look that made him laugh, because he understood. I'm really the last person you send to lunch with a new hire if you actually want to hire them. Kerry got it right away when I told her about it, and straight up said, "wow, that's a terrible idea." It's hilarious, but I guess we're the youngest folks in the group, and that's what they wanted. I'll be getting some instructions on what NOT to say prior to the lunch, but I don't think I can straight up lie to this poor girl just to preserve my career, so we'll see how this goes. If I'm suddenly unemployed after this, you all know what happened...
As a last minute bit of luck, the two folks from my own circles (ONLY TWO, my local friends are lame... well, some of them were sick at the time and probably would have gone, but otherwise LAME and work-busy) who were interested in going ALSO hadn't bought their tickets, so I ended up going to the morning session with them. We didn't escape, and I wasn't useful for most of the puzzles (but I got the 3DMG puzzle super fast because OMG it had actual instructions), but we had all never done it before (including the group of 4 we got joined up with), so I think having a little experience would have helped us out. Also, if we'd switched things up a little more with the first puzzle, we'd have been way less stumped (we picked one of the hard ones to start with, d'oh) and would have had more time to solve the last puzzle (which I basically got to the next step on after the timer expired and when they were preparing to go over how to solve some of the earlier puzzles). Le sigh. The group that originally invited me, which has been to some games, DID escape, which reinforces my belief that if we did a couple more of these we'd be better at it. (Even though I'm naturally lousy at puzzles, which is why I was such a dead weight in the Puzzle Hunts on campus that I had participated in.) It was a good time, and I think the three of us would all be up for doing it again sometime :D
When we went off to lunch, one of the four we'd joined up with (who apparently didn't know the others that well at all and had literally met them the day before, been told about the event, and bought the ticket at the door to join them) tagged along with the three of us and was a little pitifully in a search for friends, including (weak) attempts to invite himself to the DnD game, which I was trying to talk Katy and Dustin into joining. He seemed like a nice enough kid, I think he was just rubbing me the wrong way with the odd clinginess. Afterwards, we rode the train back and I went off to the MiKerry residence for their Super Bowl Party (where we kind of just talk and have the game running in the background because we're not sports people) and I got there in time to see all the shenanigans at the end :P Wow, Seahawks, that's gotta sting. I did, however, miss the Katy Perry sharks and pretty much all of the commercials except that dumb T-Mobile one with that annoyingly vapid Kardashian woman.
This weekend, being the weekend before Valentine's Day, everyone wanted to do everything. On Saturday. I had to turn down a couple of different invitations (including a ski trip, which I was SUPER bummed to have to turn down), and ended up going to a health care fair thing for my workplace that... didn't really answer the questions I had but answered some questions I didn't have before the fair (so some good, some bad) and a co-worker's baby shower.
I felt like the baby shower present was the one thing I had actually done well with this week, which has been a completely painful disaster at work. The co-worker in question, Deb, was having twins and she and her husband Dan both love books, so they were asking for books and baby clothes. I got the clever idea that I could get them The Cat in the Hat and Thing 1 & Thing 2 onesies as a cute themed gift. (Also these stickers in pink & blue, since she's having one of each, for organizational help.) As I rolled into the neighborhood of the father-to-be's parents' house (they were hosting), I should have known things were going downhill quickly because I felt like I and my car were an eyesore in the neighborhood. I was literally afraid to step out of my car because I thought I'd be arrested for being too poor to be lurking in such a nice area :( I spent, no joke, like 20 minutes in the car parked outside the house in question double-checking that I had the right address because I was worried that, by driving around in my old Saturn, I would be mistaken for a bum. (It was also raining heavily, so I was partly hoping the rain would let up enough to make a dash for the door, which it did.) And then I got inside. The entire theme of the shower was Thing 1 & Thing 2. There was a copy of The Cat in the Hat displayed as one of the decorations. I learned from Kerry later that the theme (which she helped with, because I guess I don't get asked to help with anything anymore) was inspired by... the gift of Thing 1 & Thing 2 onesies at a previous shower. It was a struggle not to bolt back out the door in shame :(
But even prior to discovering that they already had pretty much everything in my gift already (except the stickers, which are way more expensive than they look, and thus don't seem to count for much), I walk in the door to be greeted by the father-to-be's mother. Who looks me up and down, and when I extend my hand in greeting, she just makes NO motion to take it or anything. I probably deer-in-the-headlight-ed for a bit before just putting my hand down. Either she was worried about the fact that one of my eyes was irritated and red (I'd woken up with it really irritated and it didn't really get that much better during the day--it's still a bit red) and didn't want to shake because she thought I had Pink Eye or there's just something about me that just clearly doesn't belong in such a lovely, nice place ._. I haven't felt like that level of scum/pariah in a very long time. Which obviously only got worse once I realized the whole thing about the presents. Naturally, they opened mine first ;_; I apologized profusely about not knowing what the theme was, but that's not really helpful. I really thought I was being clever/cute, and now it's just a gift that (literally) blends in with the background. That both Kerry and Deb both insisted very quickly and urgently that duplicates were totally okay and even desirable really only supports the fact that they aren't :( It probably didn't help that the only people I knew there were Deb, Mike & Kerry, and another coworker there (Jessica) who had actually organized this shower, so when Mike & Kerry had to leave to go relieve the sitter, I took the opportunity to slink out myself. (Also because my body decided Saturday was a great day for cramps, so I was all-around some kind of miserable for a good chunk of my time there, even if it was otherwise a lovely party.) I had a small cry over it when I got home, because I just feel stupid about the gift situation, even if I couldn't have known what people don't elect to tell me.
This probably hurts more than it should because Kerry got invited to help with the decorations, but I hadn't. I mean, this is the group that I did the Halloween costumes with the Halloween before last, so I thought maybe I was at least an honorary member of the group if not a full-fledged member :/ But I didn't get invited to help with the planning of the Christmas stuff (even though Kerry still asked me for a bunch of ideas for the part she was working on), and I wasn't asked to help with another work event type thing in spite of making it quite known that I had joined the events committee and was willing to help. I'm just not privy to the circle or something, probably because I sit on the opposite end of the floor; out of sight, out of mind. It stings, even if it's stupid, because this is also the pair of co-workers that Kerry went to Disneyland with on that stupid trip that I'm still mad at her for (although apparently doing a damn fine job of keeping civil about it, because I don't think she realizes that I'm still HOPPING MAD). I'm never going to be one of them, I guess, and I'm tired of not being considered, and not being part of a group. Any group. I guess that doesn't matter. It's also a little disheartening to realize that, were I somehow to land in a situation which could require a shower (baby/wedding/etc.), I don't think I have anyone who would actually organize one for me (let alone the apparently 4 showers that have been organized for Deb's twins--that is a LOT of friends). And you can't really self-organize that without looking like you're just grubbing for gifts (which is kind of what these events are anyway), so I'd just be left hanging. Again. Not really in a good place right now, in more ways than one :( It's a lonely place, but in a way I've been there for a long time--I have no best friend, and am nobody's best friend. And now I know that even my closest of friends (at least locally) don't really care anymore. Maybe never cared in the first place. Hmn.
Some of this drama is also desperately needing something in my life to feel like an honest win, because everything is going so poorly in just about every aspect that could be considered meaningful to someone of my age and health level. I thought at least the gift idea would be a solid, if miniscule, win. The reality is that I'm not getting a clear win, because there isn't a clear win for me anywhere. I am a loser, in the winner vs. loser sort of way. (I like to think I haven't fallen so far as to be the general type of loser.) My cubemate's even been chiding me about not going up to some of the upper management (the same people, I should add, whose shit lists I was on a year or two ago for being overly candid) and just straight up telling them I want to be doing other work (which he believes they can get/materialize for me, for some reason). I guess that's something he does, just going up to these folks and saying stuff, but he's young and brazen and can pull that kind of confidence thing off. I am not the go-up-and-talk-to-people-I-don't-know kind. If I were, I'd be better at interviews and I wouldn't still be working where I'm working, doing what I'm stuck doing. And, as mentioned above, they don't really know my name for any good reasons at this point. My manager had to defend me against them back then, which is probably the only reason I wasn't sent out in the last round of layoffs we had.
Speaking of interviews, my manager wants me to go out to lunch with a potential fresh-out-of-college new hire along with another (somewhat cynical) co-worker, and I gave him a look that made him laugh, because he understood. I'm really the last person you send to lunch with a new hire if you actually want to hire them. Kerry got it right away when I told her about it, and straight up said, "wow, that's a terrible idea." It's hilarious, but I guess we're the youngest folks in the group, and that's what they wanted. I'll be getting some instructions on what NOT to say prior to the lunch, but I don't think I can straight up lie to this poor girl just to preserve my career, so we'll see how this goes. If I'm suddenly unemployed after this, you all know what happened...