(no subject)
'....but, i want to be able to stand on my own. its scary. trust me, it is. which is one of th resaons i havent been smoknig pot lately. if i smoked back in mass. and screwed something up, someone was there to piick up the pieces. out here thers no one to do that. if i screw up out here im homeless and penniless. which is why i feel no need to smoke pot. i want to live in reality right now....'
'..i want to believe that you and me...this is it yanno? that i dont havta search anymore. that i can finally rest, emotionally and be contnet for once. so far, thats how its been. i dont forsee any disasterous events anytime soon. and yes, i can say im not going to leave you and im nto going to cheat on you. i have stronger willpower then a lot of people think....'
'........i was a 23 year old pothead, living at home with mom =/ i cant tell you what to do or how to be. alll i can do is stand by your side through every lesson you learn. and be there when you need me to be and love you the best i know how. i will . and i CAN promise you that. things between us arent about sex or money or the internet (lol) its more then all of that. its something i feel deep down inside and its somthing i havent felt in a long time, if ever. its also something im not fully rady to let out yet. im like my uncle in that spect. when things are right... when things are completely settled, it'll be released. untill then i will be here and i will love you with everything i can.'
parts of an old letter...not terribly old but old enough to make me look back on it and..well...laugh honestly. but only because i read that letter and look at how things are now and realize how much shes contradicted her self from then till now. a lot of the thigns she said then, and the things shes said since she broke up with me....? exact oppositte of what she said there. i guess theres no real reason to get into details a bout which parts because we all probably know. her especially. *and just so you know, im not trying to start a fight, im not trying to be a bitch, im not trying to be mean. and the main reason im writing in my livejournal about it is because you arent online for me to say it all to*
but the...realization of it all. the way things REALLY turned out to be. it makes me wonder...was she forreal? i dont think that those kind of emotions can faked, (although im sure they could but im oblivious to most things in the world) never did. but i dont know...just the contradictoray statements. how can you say things like that...PROMISE me things and then turn around not 4 months later and take them all back. turn every little thing you said 4 months earlier and just turn it all upside down? so much of me believes that it was all real and a lot of it still is. all the emotion- the love, the anger, the jealousy, the hate (not twords eachother though), the passion..everything we expressed and shared with eachother. i believe most all of it was true. but then i look at the way things are now.
a fight breaks out almost everyday. and dont think for one second that its all my fault...any of you.
we hardly talk about anything any more...mainly i think because of the awkwardness caused by all the fighting.
like were suddenly afraid to express how we really feel for fear another fight will break out..which it probably would.
because YOU like someone else, or YOURE moving on, or YOU lied, or YOU this or YOU THAT...not saying YOU and directing it AT you, it was from both points of view. either way. i think thats a lot of what causes the sparse talking and a lot on my part the fear to talk about anything.
and honestly? im afraid to see you next month. yea thats right. im afraid. it was hard engouh being with you while you were here when i felt like you didnt even notice i was around some of the time. it was really hard when you left. i seriously had somekind of emotional breakdown for the week after that..and its still going on in my head and my heart. im just not physically showing it...by all the crying and vomiting and such. i think it all gave me an ulcer, really. it was so hard to watch you pull out of my drive way for the last time. so hard to stand there at my back door with your arms around me for the last time. and god, falling aleep with out you next to me is still hard. it doesnt hurt nearly as much as it did because ive gotten used to the fact that you arent 10 minutes up the road and i cant see you when i want. and im afraid to see you. because its going to be hard watching you go again. and even harder knowing that your not mine any more.
it hurts so much, to love and care about someone so much to the point where are you are willing to spend the rest of your life with that person and then as soon as it happens it all goes away. and i know two peopleon my friends list who know EXACTLY how that feels.
but im done talking about this shit. it..pisses me off or makes me sad or something. i dont know what it does.
and Tracey? i'm in no way trying to say that you dont know how i feel, the pain i feel or anything of that nautre. and like i said, im not trying to start a fight or make you made/upset at me. so please, dont be. you know i hate it when you are.
about 6 of you are going to read that...if im calculating right. 1 of which isnt even on my friends list. *shrugs*
but it was long so i figured i'd put it behind a cut.
and now..im going to go watch tv and think about delteing this post.
'..i want to believe that you and me...this is it yanno? that i dont havta search anymore. that i can finally rest, emotionally and be contnet for once. so far, thats how its been. i dont forsee any disasterous events anytime soon. and yes, i can say im not going to leave you and im nto going to cheat on you. i have stronger willpower then a lot of people think....'
'........i was a 23 year old pothead, living at home with mom =/ i cant tell you what to do or how to be. alll i can do is stand by your side through every lesson you learn. and be there when you need me to be and love you the best i know how. i will . and i CAN promise you that. things between us arent about sex or money or the internet (lol) its more then all of that. its something i feel deep down inside and its somthing i havent felt in a long time, if ever. its also something im not fully rady to let out yet. im like my uncle in that spect. when things are right... when things are completely settled, it'll be released. untill then i will be here and i will love you with everything i can.'
parts of an old letter...not terribly old but old enough to make me look back on it and..well...laugh honestly. but only because i read that letter and look at how things are now and realize how much shes contradicted her self from then till now. a lot of the thigns she said then, and the things shes said since she broke up with me....? exact oppositte of what she said there. i guess theres no real reason to get into details a bout which parts because we all probably know. her especially. *and just so you know, im not trying to start a fight, im not trying to be a bitch, im not trying to be mean. and the main reason im writing in my livejournal about it is because you arent online for me to say it all to*
but the...realization of it all. the way things REALLY turned out to be. it makes me wonder...was she forreal? i dont think that those kind of emotions can faked, (although im sure they could but im oblivious to most things in the world) never did. but i dont know...just the contradictoray statements. how can you say things like that...PROMISE me things and then turn around not 4 months later and take them all back. turn every little thing you said 4 months earlier and just turn it all upside down? so much of me believes that it was all real and a lot of it still is. all the emotion- the love, the anger, the jealousy, the hate (not twords eachother though), the passion..everything we expressed and shared with eachother. i believe most all of it was true. but then i look at the way things are now.
a fight breaks out almost everyday. and dont think for one second that its all my fault...any of you.
we hardly talk about anything any more...mainly i think because of the awkwardness caused by all the fighting.
like were suddenly afraid to express how we really feel for fear another fight will break out..which it probably would.
because YOU like someone else, or YOURE moving on, or YOU lied, or YOU this or YOU THAT...not saying YOU and directing it AT you, it was from both points of view. either way. i think thats a lot of what causes the sparse talking and a lot on my part the fear to talk about anything.
and honestly? im afraid to see you next month. yea thats right. im afraid. it was hard engouh being with you while you were here when i felt like you didnt even notice i was around some of the time. it was really hard when you left. i seriously had somekind of emotional breakdown for the week after that..and its still going on in my head and my heart. im just not physically showing it...by all the crying and vomiting and such. i think it all gave me an ulcer, really. it was so hard to watch you pull out of my drive way for the last time. so hard to stand there at my back door with your arms around me for the last time. and god, falling aleep with out you next to me is still hard. it doesnt hurt nearly as much as it did because ive gotten used to the fact that you arent 10 minutes up the road and i cant see you when i want. and im afraid to see you. because its going to be hard watching you go again. and even harder knowing that your not mine any more.
it hurts so much, to love and care about someone so much to the point where are you are willing to spend the rest of your life with that person and then as soon as it happens it all goes away. and i know two peopleon my friends list who know EXACTLY how that feels.
but im done talking about this shit. it..pisses me off or makes me sad or something. i dont know what it does.
and Tracey? i'm in no way trying to say that you dont know how i feel, the pain i feel or anything of that nautre. and like i said, im not trying to start a fight or make you made/upset at me. so please, dont be. you know i hate it when you are.
about 6 of you are going to read that...if im calculating right. 1 of which isnt even on my friends list. *shrugs*
but it was long so i figured i'd put it behind a cut.
and now..im going to go watch tv and think about delteing this post.