Entry 2 of 2: Fuck this bullshit
I'm feeling depressed.
I think it's mostly because I'm on the rag, and I'm stressed out about money. Also I'm having some image issues. This is the worst fucking period I've had in a long time.
Also I have really emotionally gripping shit going on with my mom. She's getting older and is not a healthy person, mentally or physically.
She told me without beating around the bush that she's creeping up on her last years already. Well holy fuck in a designer purse.
That's not something you're preparing yourself to hear - or to deal with - at a few years prior to 30.
So my 57 year old mother is dying and slowly losing her mind.
Right.
Add to that how I have gained weight and looked in a mirror the other day.
It's really unfair that not only does PMS add to your emotional sensitivity, but it accomplishes this through surges of feminine hormones. Unfortunately for me during my period, we live in a superficial society that is ultimately more immediately concerned with appearance than mental aptitude or personality.
The truly cruel thing in the equation is that I'm already feeling like shit about myself and marginally depressed... but the physical reactions of PMS and the actual cycle itself make me physically undesirable. (Or so I believe because I'm far more sensitive and emotionally ... well... stupid)
I swell up and hold onto water, I break out in zits every fucking month. So I'm sweaty and stinky and fatter and covered in zits.
That is not something that helps you beleive it when your loved ones tell you, "You're so pretty."
I really feel fat and unattractive. I know. I'm not fat. I get away with weighing as much as I do and not looking huge because I'm 5'10". I'm 30 pounds bigger than what the ideal weight is for my height.
Thirty pounds!
Holy fuck, if that's not depressing, I don't know what is. I've been trying to eat better, but I'm not consistent. I haven't had any decent exercise in at least 2 weeks (Since I started work), and last week I spent holed up in a hotel room in Louisa Kentucky with nowhere to walk around at. (That was a mind-fuck in itself).
I bought a bicycle, and I rode it some yesterday. I'm really out of shape, and it happened quickly.
Anyway, I feel disgusting in this body right now. I also feel helpless, because I can't help everyone in the entire world, but I feel like I need to. I know I don't need to, but that's just how I am. Maybe I should change that?
And what for me? What support have I got? Well, I have my mom who would either tell me to simply suck it up, or go off on a marginally insane rant about something else. I have friends... Well my friends are all going through much worse shit than what I think is so catastrophic right now, so I wouldn't bother them with how I'm feeling.
I just talked to Taylor about the thing with my mom yesterday, and I really almost burst into uncontrollable tears. It's really pathetic when I cry. Really. I wouldn't want to have to comfort someone who cries like I do when I'm genuinely upset.
Anyway, it's fucking groundbreaking for me to be talking to someone that I say I love about issues that are legitamtely bothering me. I never do that. I do it out of fear.
I fear becoming emotional in the presence of other people, especially people that I love or like a lot. I really hate the expression other people, who are not upset, have when they look at me when I'm crying.
It's an expression of pity. Occasionally there is empathy in the look, but when there is empathy, I regret making them feel that way. Their compassion for me is being turned into pain for me, and I don't want to make anyone feel sad. In my world, misery not only dislikes company, it's very comfortable with solitude.
Speaking of solitude, my mom told me that she thinks I'm isolating myself.
I do that sometimes because people are very taxing. I feel like I'm entertaining people all the time whenever I'm around them, and sometimes I just want to hide. Anyhow, that's not very healthy, and I'm a naturally social person, so when I start acting like that it's a warning signal.
I don't feel very cool, and I'm so incredibly emo. I just wanna not be seen.
But-- I'm doing t his band shit so I have to be social and force myself to start new connections and build relationships, so that'll be good and it'll make me be normal. I'm going to hate every minute of it. But it will all be worth it when the band is playing gigs and we're having fun.
Because no matter how depressed I am, I always enjoy performing.
awesome every day,
Pam
I think it's mostly because I'm on the rag, and I'm stressed out about money. Also I'm having some image issues. This is the worst fucking period I've had in a long time.
Also I have really emotionally gripping shit going on with my mom. She's getting older and is not a healthy person, mentally or physically.
She told me without beating around the bush that she's creeping up on her last years already. Well holy fuck in a designer purse.
That's not something you're preparing yourself to hear - or to deal with - at a few years prior to 30.
So my 57 year old mother is dying and slowly losing her mind.
Right.
Add to that how I have gained weight and looked in a mirror the other day.
It's really unfair that not only does PMS add to your emotional sensitivity, but it accomplishes this through surges of feminine hormones. Unfortunately for me during my period, we live in a superficial society that is ultimately more immediately concerned with appearance than mental aptitude or personality.
The truly cruel thing in the equation is that I'm already feeling like shit about myself and marginally depressed... but the physical reactions of PMS and the actual cycle itself make me physically undesirable. (Or so I believe because I'm far more sensitive and emotionally ... well... stupid)
I swell up and hold onto water, I break out in zits every fucking month. So I'm sweaty and stinky and fatter and covered in zits.
That is not something that helps you beleive it when your loved ones tell you, "You're so pretty."
I really feel fat and unattractive. I know. I'm not fat. I get away with weighing as much as I do and not looking huge because I'm 5'10". I'm 30 pounds bigger than what the ideal weight is for my height.
Thirty pounds!
Holy fuck, if that's not depressing, I don't know what is. I've been trying to eat better, but I'm not consistent. I haven't had any decent exercise in at least 2 weeks (Since I started work), and last week I spent holed up in a hotel room in Louisa Kentucky with nowhere to walk around at. (That was a mind-fuck in itself).
I bought a bicycle, and I rode it some yesterday. I'm really out of shape, and it happened quickly.
Anyway, I feel disgusting in this body right now. I also feel helpless, because I can't help everyone in the entire world, but I feel like I need to. I know I don't need to, but that's just how I am. Maybe I should change that?
And what for me? What support have I got? Well, I have my mom who would either tell me to simply suck it up, or go off on a marginally insane rant about something else. I have friends... Well my friends are all going through much worse shit than what I think is so catastrophic right now, so I wouldn't bother them with how I'm feeling.
I just talked to Taylor about the thing with my mom yesterday, and I really almost burst into uncontrollable tears. It's really pathetic when I cry. Really. I wouldn't want to have to comfort someone who cries like I do when I'm genuinely upset.
Anyway, it's fucking groundbreaking for me to be talking to someone that I say I love about issues that are legitamtely bothering me. I never do that. I do it out of fear.
I fear becoming emotional in the presence of other people, especially people that I love or like a lot. I really hate the expression other people, who are not upset, have when they look at me when I'm crying.
It's an expression of pity. Occasionally there is empathy in the look, but when there is empathy, I regret making them feel that way. Their compassion for me is being turned into pain for me, and I don't want to make anyone feel sad. In my world, misery not only dislikes company, it's very comfortable with solitude.
Speaking of solitude, my mom told me that she thinks I'm isolating myself.
I do that sometimes because people are very taxing. I feel like I'm entertaining people all the time whenever I'm around them, and sometimes I just want to hide. Anyhow, that's not very healthy, and I'm a naturally social person, so when I start acting like that it's a warning signal.
I don't feel very cool, and I'm so incredibly emo. I just wanna not be seen.
But-- I'm doing t his band shit so I have to be social and force myself to start new connections and build relationships, so that'll be good and it'll make me be normal. I'm going to hate every minute of it. But it will all be worth it when the band is playing gigs and we're having fun.
Because no matter how depressed I am, I always enjoy performing.
awesome every day,
Pam