Dispersal
I have been intentionally cryptic in my last few posts, yet now seems a good enough time to describe my situation in full.
Perhaps it is with the changing of the seasons that I am feeling so down. The nature of autumn and halloween lends itself to the death of many things. I spend the majority of my life in the dark now that the time has changed. Working the hours I do, I don't get to see the sun so much. But beyond all that I feel like I'm beginning to lose a foundation that has kept me anchored for such a long time.
To begin with my parents are in the midst of a divorce. This generally does not concern me for the most part as they've had a fairly rocky relationship over the years. Certainly it is not a gigantic surprise to see them part ways, but this does present other concerns. My father and I have never been particularly close and this really just compounds that fact. My mother was really the glue that held things together as far as regular family meetings go. A major issue regarding that is the fact that my family owns a large marble quarry in Cumming that I have a small percent stake in (my parents each having a majority share in). Business decisions must be made as to what to do with the land and income associated with that and it is difficult when my parents are at odds on various issues and myself and my siblings are the swing vote. Taking sides becomes fraught with difficulty.
Another factor is that my sister and brother are both out of the state. My sister recently moved to Chicago, and though we didn't see each other very much while she lived in Atlanta I am finding that I miss her terribly. It was nice to know that if I needed her presence it was readily available, in addition to simply being warmed by her kind (if somewhat caustic) personality. My brother has left to Europe for three weeks and then to parts unknown. He has been a constant friend to me and helpful in almost every regard despite us butting heads many times in the past. I must say it is like losing my right arm to see my siblings leave. The saving grace is that I will spend Thanksgiving (and Drunksgetting) in Chicago with them.
The next part is my friends. The social environment I have so long been a part of seems to be changing, and without me present. I feel very disconnected from everyone and I miss the fun times I used to have. It seems whenever people are getting together I am unavailable to be there. I apologize for blowing several people off lately, but I have had other matters to attend to (moving, work, etc.). Though, as I've said I feel much like things have changed and I am not a part of this thing. More of an outsider looking in.
Last yet certainly not least is my love life. My girlfriend of some years has been expressing various doubts about the future and present of our relationship. Don't get me wrong because I understand many of the concerns. We have had disagreements most extreme before and parted ways on a number of occasions. Yet still, I have never felt a deeper love than this. For my partner to question her emotions towards me is shocking and crushing at the same time. "Nothing lasts forever." so they say, but I am reminded of a quote from the movie "The Mexican." As follows: "When two people really love each other but they can't get it together, when do you get to that point when enough is enough?" The response: "Never." For this to end or go sour is certainly the most painful for me. My options seem limited though, I am but one man who is one half of this. I can't help but blame myself for my errors and misgivings. Ultimately, I want the best thing for her despite whatever trouble it may cause me. It would be a completely failure if we parted ways with unhappiness on her part.
So there it is. Change seems to come so fast, and I have felt mostly absent from it's force. Maybe once I get my new place sorted out (oh yeah, I moved into a new apartment in the last week or so) things will get settled down and I will begin a new phase of my life in peace. It remains difficult to be optimistic when things are breaking apart as they are, but I still maintain a sense of hope. It's pretty much the only thing that gets me up in the morning. Strange days these.
I apologize for anyone I offended. Sorry about the extra long post. Thanks for reading it.
Perhaps it is with the changing of the seasons that I am feeling so down. The nature of autumn and halloween lends itself to the death of many things. I spend the majority of my life in the dark now that the time has changed. Working the hours I do, I don't get to see the sun so much. But beyond all that I feel like I'm beginning to lose a foundation that has kept me anchored for such a long time.
To begin with my parents are in the midst of a divorce. This generally does not concern me for the most part as they've had a fairly rocky relationship over the years. Certainly it is not a gigantic surprise to see them part ways, but this does present other concerns. My father and I have never been particularly close and this really just compounds that fact. My mother was really the glue that held things together as far as regular family meetings go. A major issue regarding that is the fact that my family owns a large marble quarry in Cumming that I have a small percent stake in (my parents each having a majority share in). Business decisions must be made as to what to do with the land and income associated with that and it is difficult when my parents are at odds on various issues and myself and my siblings are the swing vote. Taking sides becomes fraught with difficulty.
Another factor is that my sister and brother are both out of the state. My sister recently moved to Chicago, and though we didn't see each other very much while she lived in Atlanta I am finding that I miss her terribly. It was nice to know that if I needed her presence it was readily available, in addition to simply being warmed by her kind (if somewhat caustic) personality. My brother has left to Europe for three weeks and then to parts unknown. He has been a constant friend to me and helpful in almost every regard despite us butting heads many times in the past. I must say it is like losing my right arm to see my siblings leave. The saving grace is that I will spend Thanksgiving (and Drunksgetting) in Chicago with them.
The next part is my friends. The social environment I have so long been a part of seems to be changing, and without me present. I feel very disconnected from everyone and I miss the fun times I used to have. It seems whenever people are getting together I am unavailable to be there. I apologize for blowing several people off lately, but I have had other matters to attend to (moving, work, etc.). Though, as I've said I feel much like things have changed and I am not a part of this thing. More of an outsider looking in.
Last yet certainly not least is my love life. My girlfriend of some years has been expressing various doubts about the future and present of our relationship. Don't get me wrong because I understand many of the concerns. We have had disagreements most extreme before and parted ways on a number of occasions. Yet still, I have never felt a deeper love than this. For my partner to question her emotions towards me is shocking and crushing at the same time. "Nothing lasts forever." so they say, but I am reminded of a quote from the movie "The Mexican." As follows: "When two people really love each other but they can't get it together, when do you get to that point when enough is enough?" The response: "Never." For this to end or go sour is certainly the most painful for me. My options seem limited though, I am but one man who is one half of this. I can't help but blame myself for my errors and misgivings. Ultimately, I want the best thing for her despite whatever trouble it may cause me. It would be a completely failure if we parted ways with unhappiness on her part.
So there it is. Change seems to come so fast, and I have felt mostly absent from it's force. Maybe once I get my new place sorted out (oh yeah, I moved into a new apartment in the last week or so) things will get settled down and I will begin a new phase of my life in peace. It remains difficult to be optimistic when things are breaking apart as they are, but I still maintain a sense of hope. It's pretty much the only thing that gets me up in the morning. Strange days these.
I apologize for anyone I offended. Sorry about the extra long post. Thanks for reading it.