A tiger can't change his stripes, but I am no tiger.
Been doing lots of thinking, and here's what I came up with.
I look back and I think that in many ways I used to be a better person. Somewhere along the way I stopped taking the time to actually improve myself and be the complete person that I wanted to be. I stopped feeding my intellectual interests, and as a result my mind has grown soft. I stopped doing regular exercise and my body has grown soft. I stopped being a kind, loving, and generous person to my friends, and I stopped expressing to them how much they mean to me and how fantastic they really are. Instead I've grown bitter, jealous, and resentful of their joy. I stopped being funny, and instead I've become mean. I stopped being someone people could count on and I became a flake. I stopped being easy going and I became tense and nervous. I stopped challenging myself and pursuing new and different interests and I became comfortable in my mediocrity. I stopped seeing beauty in small things and I looked only at the repulsive. I stopped caring how I looked and I became a slob. I stopped learning new things and teaching them to others and I became satisfied with ignorance. I stopped having a positive outlook and found fault everywhere. I stopped listening to what people say and I only talked about myself. I started drinking too much. I started taking the good things in my life for granted. I started attacking myself. Under and behind and inside this man something horrible has been growing.
Certainly these things did not happen overnight. It took a long time for me to change, and it was most assuredly a slow and gradual process.
When I am at my best I am a really incredible person. Smart, capable, compassionate, witty, and a handsome devil to top it off. It is a real tragedy that I have not shown this side of myself for some time now. But I do know that I have it in me to be this ideal self because I've done it before. It's just that somehow I made the choice to stop being my best, and that is just not an acceptable option to me anymore.
I had told a good friend of mine last night that I was recently going through a process of self-destruction. I was thinking it was a more recent event, but I am coming to understand that I have been doing this for some time now. I told him that I was not sure when I was going to stop, and not sure how far I would go. But the answer to that is now. I'm tired of not being who I want to be and getting what I want and it's past time to step up and just be that instead of wishing it were so.
The first step is to see that there is a problem, and what that problem is. The second step is to determine how you want things to be different. The last step is of course actually making that happen, which oddly enough seems to me like it might be the easiest of all. I refuse to be a robot anymore, and I am taking back all the passion for life I used to have. I am taking back all these things I left behind along the way and I am making them mine. And I am doing it all RIGHT NOW.
I look back and I think that in many ways I used to be a better person. Somewhere along the way I stopped taking the time to actually improve myself and be the complete person that I wanted to be. I stopped feeding my intellectual interests, and as a result my mind has grown soft. I stopped doing regular exercise and my body has grown soft. I stopped being a kind, loving, and generous person to my friends, and I stopped expressing to them how much they mean to me and how fantastic they really are. Instead I've grown bitter, jealous, and resentful of their joy. I stopped being funny, and instead I've become mean. I stopped being someone people could count on and I became a flake. I stopped being easy going and I became tense and nervous. I stopped challenging myself and pursuing new and different interests and I became comfortable in my mediocrity. I stopped seeing beauty in small things and I looked only at the repulsive. I stopped caring how I looked and I became a slob. I stopped learning new things and teaching them to others and I became satisfied with ignorance. I stopped having a positive outlook and found fault everywhere. I stopped listening to what people say and I only talked about myself. I started drinking too much. I started taking the good things in my life for granted. I started attacking myself. Under and behind and inside this man something horrible has been growing.
Certainly these things did not happen overnight. It took a long time for me to change, and it was most assuredly a slow and gradual process.
When I am at my best I am a really incredible person. Smart, capable, compassionate, witty, and a handsome devil to top it off. It is a real tragedy that I have not shown this side of myself for some time now. But I do know that I have it in me to be this ideal self because I've done it before. It's just that somehow I made the choice to stop being my best, and that is just not an acceptable option to me anymore.
I had told a good friend of mine last night that I was recently going through a process of self-destruction. I was thinking it was a more recent event, but I am coming to understand that I have been doing this for some time now. I told him that I was not sure when I was going to stop, and not sure how far I would go. But the answer to that is now. I'm tired of not being who I want to be and getting what I want and it's past time to step up and just be that instead of wishing it were so.
The first step is to see that there is a problem, and what that problem is. The second step is to determine how you want things to be different. The last step is of course actually making that happen, which oddly enough seems to me like it might be the easiest of all. I refuse to be a robot anymore, and I am taking back all the passion for life I used to have. I am taking back all these things I left behind along the way and I am making them mine. And I am doing it all RIGHT NOW.