What the words on club flyers really mean...
Amusing translation of what those phrases that get trotted out time after time actually say about the club.
"All ages" = as if telling someone's age in zombie inspired make up and near dark conditions weren't difficult enough already
"All night long" = or until 2 a.m., when the city's bar closing ordinance kicks in, which ever comes first
"Blisspop" = we made up this genre just to see if you were paying attention to our flyer
"Costume Contest" = be prepared to hear at least three different DJs spin "Everyday is Halloween" and claim they didn't hear it when the other DJs played it
"Dark Alternative" = we have no idea what to call half the songs we're going to play tonight
"Dark/Fetish attire encouraged" = if you pretend to be a goth, we'll pretend to play goth music
"Darkwave" = we think this is somehow related to goth
"Deathrock" (when placed last on the list of music genres) = we'll play that song by the Virgin Prunes, but you have to listen to 3 hrs. of VNV Nation before we get to it
"Deathrock" (when placed first on the list of music genres) = we'll play two Rozz-era Christian Death songs in a row at some point during the evening
"Deathrock/Psychobilly/Horror Punk" = we hope you like songs about zombies, dead girlfriends and spooky things in the woods enough to listen to 4 hours of them
"Deathrock/Punk/Old School Goth" = we firmly believe the only music worth listening to was recorded between 1977 and 1983
"Deathrock/EBM" = never draw up a flyer when you're high on crack
"Deathrock/Metal" - never draw up a flyer when you've doing crystal meth for 5 days straight either
"Dress code is black" = the people who come here don't know enough about Goth to know what to wear so we have to remind them
"Dress to impress" = the court order regarding cameras in the Club was lifted after the lawsuit was settled out of court
"EBM" = like techno, but with less musical ability and more glow sticks.
"80's" = we hope you like "Karma Chameleon" a lot because we have 13 different versions of it
"Electro" = *beep* music
"Enjoy our drink specials" = our landlord turned off the air conditioning so it gets really hot in here
"Ethereal" = we own the entire Cocteau Twins back catalog
"Experimental" = Synth-punk performed by people don't know how to play an instrument, but it sounds classier if we call it "Experimental"
"Fetish wear encouraged" = lots of *oontz oontz* music, latex club wear, and a some guy running around with a whip
"$5 cover before 10 p.m." = the cops never show up to raid the place before 11 p.m.
"Free give aways" = we still have lots of "Saw II" and "the Hills Have Eyes" posters left from last year's give away
"Full Bar" = our bar is twice as big as the dance floor
"Futurepop" = music not good enough to be classified as "EBM"
"Glam" = in case you thought deathhawks, ripped t-shirts and torn fishnets were too modest of a fashion statement
"Go Go Girls" = our music will sound better if you're staring at a half naked chick
"Goth" = our DJ knows who Peter Murphy is
"Gothic Industrial" = lots of *oontz oontz* music, latex club wear, and some girl with big, poofy pigtails running around with a couple of glow sticks
"Harsh EBM" = when regular EBM isn't awful enough
"Impressive selection of beer" = just in case anyone ever comes to a Goth club to be impressed by the beer, we've got you covered
"Industrial Decadence" = overweight EBM chicks in midriff baring fetishwear
"Just off the freeway" = we're located next to the abandoned medical waste disposal plant in a section of town not patrolled by police
"Legendary" = selling my soul for a steady club night 23 yrs. ago seemed like such a good idea at the time...
"Live Bands" = real musicians aren't embarrassed to be seen in our club with our patrons
"Mash Ups" = someone got a Mac with Garage Band for their birthday, but can't figure out how to use it
"New Romantic" = Adam Ant, Duran Duran and, ahhh, ummm, errr.... more Adam Ant and Duran Duran
"Neofolk" = Der Furher's music, unplugged
"No Cover Charge" = our venue is a classic dive bar with a decent sound system
"Nu Wave" = I'm 2 lazy to spel check my flyerz be4 I hand them oot
"Old School Punk" = we specialize in mohawks and mosh pits
"Old School" (genre unspecified) = we bought a crate of vinyl at a garage sale
"Our DJ brings you the best in..." = our DJ will spin whatever his girlfriend left him after they split up
"Old School Goth" = our DJ's roommate went to school with Peter Murphy
"Plenty of available parking" = the neighborhood is so bad that no one is else is willing to park on the streets here
"Powernoise" = we play music so obnoxious that even the rivetheads will complain
"REAL Alternative" = our DJ interned at KROQ
"Remixes" = someone got a Mac with Garage Band for their birthday and figured out how to use it
"Remodeled" = they painted the walls after they were closed down for health code violations
"Request Night" = we got off work late and didn't have time to come up with a proper setlist
"Retro" = Our DJ found a bunch of 80's comps at a second hand store and most of them aren't too badly scratched
"Smoking Patio" = forget about sneaking in through the back exit
"Two dance rooms" = our Gothic Industrial club plays both kinds of music, gothic and industrial
"Underground" = our DJ really likes She Wants Revenge
"Indie" = Our DJ eventually got burned out on She Wants Revenge and is now on an Interpol kick
"Vampire" or "Vampiric" = douchebag or douchebagic
"Vendors" = we have a girl selling bat-themed jewelry and spiderweb necklaces at a table next to the dance floor
"VIP Lounge" = in case the people on the dance floor weren't pretentious enough for you
"We spin vinyl" = our DJs are damn good!
"With a little booty hip hop to mix it up" = no matter how drunk you get, you're going to regret coming here for years to come
"WiFi" = because the only thing geekier than dancing at a Goth club is surfing the web at a Goth club
"All ages" = as if telling someone's age in zombie inspired make up and near dark conditions weren't difficult enough already
"All night long" = or until 2 a.m., when the city's bar closing ordinance kicks in, which ever comes first
"Blisspop" = we made up this genre just to see if you were paying attention to our flyer
"Costume Contest" = be prepared to hear at least three different DJs spin "Everyday is Halloween" and claim they didn't hear it when the other DJs played it
"Dark Alternative" = we have no idea what to call half the songs we're going to play tonight
"Dark/Fetish attire encouraged" = if you pretend to be a goth, we'll pretend to play goth music
"Darkwave" = we think this is somehow related to goth
"Deathrock" (when placed last on the list of music genres) = we'll play that song by the Virgin Prunes, but you have to listen to 3 hrs. of VNV Nation before we get to it
"Deathrock" (when placed first on the list of music genres) = we'll play two Rozz-era Christian Death songs in a row at some point during the evening
"Deathrock/Psychobilly/Horror Punk" = we hope you like songs about zombies, dead girlfriends and spooky things in the woods enough to listen to 4 hours of them
"Deathrock/Punk/Old School Goth" = we firmly believe the only music worth listening to was recorded between 1977 and 1983
"Deathrock/EBM" = never draw up a flyer when you're high on crack
"Deathrock/Metal" - never draw up a flyer when you've doing crystal meth for 5 days straight either
"Dress code is black" = the people who come here don't know enough about Goth to know what to wear so we have to remind them
"Dress to impress" = the court order regarding cameras in the Club was lifted after the lawsuit was settled out of court
"EBM" = like techno, but with less musical ability and more glow sticks.
"80's" = we hope you like "Karma Chameleon" a lot because we have 13 different versions of it
"Electro" = *beep* music
"Enjoy our drink specials" = our landlord turned off the air conditioning so it gets really hot in here
"Ethereal" = we own the entire Cocteau Twins back catalog
"Experimental" = Synth-punk performed by people don't know how to play an instrument, but it sounds classier if we call it "Experimental"
"Fetish wear encouraged" = lots of *oontz oontz* music, latex club wear, and a some guy running around with a whip
"$5 cover before 10 p.m." = the cops never show up to raid the place before 11 p.m.
"Free give aways" = we still have lots of "Saw II" and "the Hills Have Eyes" posters left from last year's give away
"Full Bar" = our bar is twice as big as the dance floor
"Futurepop" = music not good enough to be classified as "EBM"
"Glam" = in case you thought deathhawks, ripped t-shirts and torn fishnets were too modest of a fashion statement
"Go Go Girls" = our music will sound better if you're staring at a half naked chick
"Goth" = our DJ knows who Peter Murphy is
"Gothic Industrial" = lots of *oontz oontz* music, latex club wear, and some girl with big, poofy pigtails running around with a couple of glow sticks
"Harsh EBM" = when regular EBM isn't awful enough
"Impressive selection of beer" = just in case anyone ever comes to a Goth club to be impressed by the beer, we've got you covered
"Industrial Decadence" = overweight EBM chicks in midriff baring fetishwear
"Just off the freeway" = we're located next to the abandoned medical waste disposal plant in a section of town not patrolled by police
"Legendary" = selling my soul for a steady club night 23 yrs. ago seemed like such a good idea at the time...
"Live Bands" = real musicians aren't embarrassed to be seen in our club with our patrons
"Mash Ups" = someone got a Mac with Garage Band for their birthday, but can't figure out how to use it
"New Romantic" = Adam Ant, Duran Duran and, ahhh, ummm, errr.... more Adam Ant and Duran Duran
"Neofolk" = Der Furher's music, unplugged
"No Cover Charge" = our venue is a classic dive bar with a decent sound system
"Nu Wave" = I'm 2 lazy to spel check my flyerz be4 I hand them oot
"Old School Punk" = we specialize in mohawks and mosh pits
"Old School" (genre unspecified) = we bought a crate of vinyl at a garage sale
"Our DJ brings you the best in..." = our DJ will spin whatever his girlfriend left him after they split up
"Old School Goth" = our DJ's roommate went to school with Peter Murphy
"Plenty of available parking" = the neighborhood is so bad that no one is else is willing to park on the streets here
"Powernoise" = we play music so obnoxious that even the rivetheads will complain
"REAL Alternative" = our DJ interned at KROQ
"Remixes" = someone got a Mac with Garage Band for their birthday and figured out how to use it
"Remodeled" = they painted the walls after they were closed down for health code violations
"Request Night" = we got off work late and didn't have time to come up with a proper setlist
"Retro" = Our DJ found a bunch of 80's comps at a second hand store and most of them aren't too badly scratched
"Smoking Patio" = forget about sneaking in through the back exit
"Two dance rooms" = our Gothic Industrial club plays both kinds of music, gothic and industrial
"Underground" = our DJ really likes She Wants Revenge
"Indie" = Our DJ eventually got burned out on She Wants Revenge and is now on an Interpol kick
"Vampire" or "Vampiric" = douchebag or douchebagic
"Vendors" = we have a girl selling bat-themed jewelry and spiderweb necklaces at a table next to the dance floor
"VIP Lounge" = in case the people on the dance floor weren't pretentious enough for you
"We spin vinyl" = our DJs are damn good!
"With a little booty hip hop to mix it up" = no matter how drunk you get, you're going to regret coming here for years to come
"WiFi" = because the only thing geekier than dancing at a Goth club is surfing the web at a Goth club