Entry #B-5: "Brisk"
[Private to Self, Unhackable]
I'm trying to convince myself that this is for completely unselfish reasons, but I don't think that I should be expected to help the fact that I am, by nature, a very selfish man.
Kenta helps me a lot. He assists me when it comes to staying safe and fed, and he gives me a place to live. He kept me from killing myself. He also... loves me. I don't understand why, but... who am I to complain? If love means that I'm looked after, it seems like a decent agreement. Without Watari around, I am happy that someone cares enough. It saves me the trouble while I try to rationalize this ridiculous world.
I am uncertain whether or not to consider Light's presence here a good or bad thing. He certainly keeps me from being bored, but at the same time... if he is Kira, which is very likely (I estimate the chances at close to eighty percent now, though I maintain to him that it is a mere 5%), I am likely to wind up dead. Even though this is a different world, we are still L and Kira, and our rivalry has not faded from existence simply because we are apart from Task Force and a world where criminals drop dead of heart attacks. This isn't about justice, anymore. This is about a game I'm obsessed with, and my inability to let it go or leave something unfinished. Though I don't have a reputation here, I am terrified of jeopardizing it by being unable to prove this.
Of course, if Light isn't Kira, my trail has gone completely cold and I am at a loss. I will never catch Kira. This is why... no matter what happens... he has to be Kira. I won't let myself die until I can provide and support solid evidence that he is, and then I think I'd be able to rest on my laurels or part ways with this life in a peaceful manner. I will feel like I have reached my full potential.
But then, there's Kenta. Does a relationship mean commitment more than I know? Am I supposed to treat him better now, or the same? I don't honestly feel any differently toward him than before. Actually, my first thoughts on hearing that he loved me were wondering what else I could make him do for me. How useful he could be, and how I can manipulate him to my advantage. Using his link to B, asking him to get close to Light for me, utilizing his way with Aya. There are endless possibilities for how I could exploit his trust and friendliness. He could be an excellent liaison.
What he wants from me, though... that's the overwhelming question.