I think the general thread of this essay is "Kira fails"
I HAVEN'T DONE A KIRA ESSAY IN A WHILE RITE?
Actually, in reality all I need to do is like, go through my conversations with Shigure for the last month and collect everything I said in there and you would have the most extensive character essay ever. Because ever since Shigure and Kira started hanging out we realized how hilariously similar they are in a lot of aspects and it was amazing. But anyway this is mostly about something I brought up the other day and only realized recent and I'm tired and want to essay.
The recent post with Sakuya BROUGHT UP A LOT OF STUFF that didn't really come up last time I played him! Mainly because this time Sakuya interacted with more people and did things his way. Sakuya reassuring people that he and Kira are the same person lead me to a few realizations.
A) Sakuya's sort of a jerk. He's a very nice sweet, warm hearted jerk! But he has all of Kira's confidence and... more zen. And while Kira makes an effort to keep a certain emotional distance from people, he does it by... warding them away! Kira ACTS LIKE AN ASSHOLE and it makes him DIFFICULT TO LOVE. It's very effective. Sakuya DOESN'T act like an asshole but keeps the same emotional distance. Much like Kira cares about most people up to a point, so does Sakuya! But he really only cares... up to that point. Basically, he's not more loving or caring than Kira is, he just reacts to it differently. I don't really mean to say Sakuya is ACTUALLY A HORRIBLE PERSON. He isn't. He's a tiny jesus boy. But like a lot of jesus characters he has an ability to love people while emotionally being WAY OVER HERE. Kira does this too, he just. Acts like a dick and doesn't think about it a lot.
B) Sakuya is the reason Kira is a dick. I wasn't SURE ABOUT THIS ONE at first. I've always just sort of figured well. Kira is an evil spirit! His bloodlust is SO GREAT that as a sword anyone who touches him goes crazy and kills themselves unless they have equal blood lust. I always figured it was Sakuya who gave Kira the ability to love Setsuna, and the rest of it was Kira's own nature showing through. He was an asshole because at the core he's actually an asshole.
This is... I don't want to say it's UNTRUE. But I do think Kira's core nature is actually very Chaotic Neutral. Nanatsusaya is never a dick just to be a dick. Infact Nanatsusaya has very little in the way of want or personality. He's a sword! He is a soul without memories or a past attached to something that has no lifeline, hormones, or needs. He has bits of... personality and emotion that push through but whe you think about it in proportion to how much the average human feels in a day, he's incredibly stunted in that area. We only see Kira being human BEFORE being Kira once, but he isn't shown as being very emotional (until Alexiel dies and he feels 'rage') he has sex with her and he kills her but you can tell from the way he recites the story that these aren't passionate or important moments to him. And basically there is nothing to really indicate THIS SOUL IS EVIL AND MUST ACT EVILY SO OF COURSE ONCE MADE HUMAN HE WILL BE A DICK.
Then! He becomes Kira Sakuya. And what is the dead Sakuya's request of him? Make my father hate me so he won't be sad when I die.
This is both tragic and adorable. And I think, in retrospect, Sakuya realizes it was the 'wrong' choice. But he was seven and his want was very simple: he didn't want his father to suffer and so obviously he had to make his father stop loving him. Kira, who was an emotional retard, was also in no place to understand why this wouldn't work. So together they figured out ways to make their father hate them. I imagine they started small and just worked their way up. First becoming bratty and not listening, then things like petty crime, rudeness to neighbors, not doing homework, lying. Then smoking, drinking, fights, sex, gangs, drugs, larger theft, gay sex, moving out, attacking authority figures, and finally taking credit for Katou's death.
But! I always figured. Well, this was for the benefit of dad. If it wasn't in Kira's nature to be a dick he could still be nice to everyone else!
Only then I wondered "What if Sakuya's request had been 'live decently and help others so that when I die I'm remembered well'?" And. I realized under those circumstances Kira would have lived the PERFECT ANGELIC LIFE. Well. As much as he could have while taking care of Setsuna. But if that is what was asked of him he would have helped stray animals, been the perfect son, gotten Katou cleaned up, done all of his homework, been gentle and understanding boyfriend... etc etc. He would have done it fucking perfectly, and he would have done it with confidence and zen. He'd... basically have been a more socially functional Kaworu. Confident, calm, apparently happy, understanding, kind, helpful, selfless. Everything you have to do to make people like you so that at your death they will miss you.
And doing all of that wouldn't have changed Kira's core being. Because it's not like playing that role would have actually made him a saint, any more than acting like a dick all of the time actually makes him a demon. At the heart he would still be emotionally stunted about his own feelings, he'd tell himself, he'd tell himself that his humanity was just a mask, and reject the idea of personally loving anything, and not really. Get anyone loving him deeper than his surface appearance. Everything everyone felt for him he would blame on the mask and everything he felt he would ignore except for in the deepest part of his soul. And he would still be... Kira.
So! Why is he a dick if he could have just as easily NOT been a dick?
Well. Kira Sakuya marks the start of his humanity, and the soul of Kira Sakuya is basically... what gives Kira the ability to feel on a human level. And that soul told him on day one that it was better to be hated and unloved so he wouldn't pain people with his death.
Now. That's not to give the impression that DEEP IN HIS HEART HE LOVES EVERYONE AND IS MARTYRING HIMSELF SO YOU DON'T ANGST WHEN HE DIES. Kira has never put that much thought into it, nor would it... occur to him that more than a couple of people would be sad at his death (and to be fair, not that many WERE). But Kira is a neeaaarly emotionless sword with really no affection or good experiences behind him and he doesn't see a reason to endear himself to others, he doesn't want the bother or attention, and then on top of that he finds out that if he's a dick it will keep people from caring about him and thus bothering him further! And then he's already learning to be a dick to make his father hate him, so it's no real effort to just, extend that to everyone, and why not? He has no particular need to be loved or approved of, his confidence and... self, what he has of it, is ancient and unshakable. What humans think of him is really irrelevant. And Sakuya wouldn't have argued with any of this because Sakuya is of the opinion that he'd rather be hated than mourned.
Granted it would have evolved over time. Kira learned to figure out human emotions and reactions REALLY WELL, because he has a non-judgmental and objective standpoint. He fails at his own because he... relies on that objective standpoint heavily and it takes him a while to notice he has these EMOTIONS for people too. But once he's INTO THE GROOVE OF BEING A JERK and he has figured out people well enough that he can mock and push buttons with no effort he finds people hang around with him anyway! WHICH IS FRANKLY. KIND OF DUMB. BECAUSE HE'S TREATING YOU LIKE SHIT. And Kira realizes that some humans just like that, which is sort of funny (he has a sense of humor now, it's a very very ironic one) but he's not going to expend any extra energy making them go away because he doesn't really care. And this is how Kira gets bitches. Without, making any effort to get bitches, and without having an emotional attachment to them.
Basically, the only person Kira ever made an effort with was Setsuna. And I suspect he equally didn't care if Setsuna liked him or not. Kira has been tracking this soul down for hundreds of years and is this lifetime he's being a jerk. Setsuna doesn't have to love him, Kira will just. Be there. Whether the life the soul is currently living likes it or not. But Setsuna likes jerks. And Kira, through the power of Sakuya, did sort of fail at being an effective jerk because apparently even Lucifer's soul can't completely cover shouta!Jesus love and affection. Or something. Basically Kira accidentally ended up with more people caring about him than he wanted to and probably didn't notice it until a while later, and sort of went "???" and wondered why humans are masochists.
But by then he had a personality! And this is why I'm saying that while Kira could have just as easily been SOMEONE ELSE ENTIRELY it's not as if the way he is now is some sort of pained act to keep people awaaaaay. It's not! He's been doing this twelve years now. He's not as human as most humans but he's more human than most demons/angels. He has likes, dislikes, good and bad memories, wants, loves, fears, like... humans do! Stuff Nanatsusaya never considered, much less felt. Kira is now almost as incapable of not being a jerk as any other jerk in the world is. He can have his gay comforting moments with Setsuna, but he still... is sort of a jerk about them. And he can care about people! But he's a jerk about it. And he... can't really you know, decide "Fuck it" and opt to be nice and sweet and honest anymore, because it's against the human nature he's developed. If he did that he'd be doing it in an assholeish way.
So. Without intending to or really noticing it or thinking about it much, Kira ended up with relationships and a personality, and a part of him is still sort of ? about this, but he accepts it in a calm and technical sort of way. He's fine... enjoys it even, so long as it doesn't approach certain Do Not Go zones, like the things he's really honestly vulnerable about.
SPEAKING OF THOSE ZONES they tend to revolve around two things! A) People he loves and B) what he is. LET'S LOOK AT A.
Alexiel- I honestly don't think Kira thinks he's lying when he says he doesn't love Alexiel. He realizes he's... bullshitting, to an extent. But for all he recognizes human emotions the key here is Nanatsusaya isn't human. And I do think a part of if just something that can't be easily grasped. Yes he does realize that he loves her in a way, but it's not that simple or clear cut. Alexiel is... a bitch, okay? She's a jesus bitch who sort of saves the universe in one way or another and she's understanding and zen but she's also aloof and superior and while Kurai gets all of the kindness and... motherly sides of Alexiel. Nanatsusaya is her tool. A tool who she probably likes and has affection for on one level! But she found him, bribed him, owned him, lead him around by the nose for thousands of years, broke her promise to him, (apparently killed him?), and... KNEW he was following her, protecting her, and obsessing over her. And... while Alexiel's VARIOUS INCARNATIONS might have noticed this and been grateful, Alexiel herself clearly thinks he's sort of pathetic. TO BE FAIR. HE'S SORT OF PATHETIC. But. They really don't and never have had a loving understanding. Nanatsusaya is the tool and Alexiel is the master and if she has to break him to accomplish her goals then so be it.
So yes. Nanatsusaya loves Alexiel. And hates her. And needs her and obsesses over her and has only her for his entire existance and so whether or not he CARES about her is basically. Completely irrelevant to him. When all is said and done she owns him completely, and he... has no simple positive or negative opinion on that. It's just what is.
Setsuna- so UNLIKE ALEXIEL. Setsuna is actually a Good Person and one deserving of love. I don't think Setsuna alone would have... Jesused Kira. I think Nanatsusaya would have been kind of ? about this incarnation but would not have developed love and a personality because of it. But the combination of Sakuya's soul, his father refusing to not love him, and these people in LIFE getting attached to him, and all of his... humanness. Made him vulnerable to it. And he STILL IS COMPLETELY OBSESSED WITH ALEXIEL and Setsuna is Alexiel reincarnated! So Kira doesn't... have any walls there. He can block out Katou until Heaven and Hell collapse, but Alexiel has been the center of his Everything for Always, so when a reincarnation likes him and hangs out with him and they have FUN and the kid starts looking to him as a big brother... Kira can't... not adore him. He doesn't even know what adoration is but he still has to. And he does realize that Setsuna isn't Alexiel, but it's Alexiel that makes him vulnerable to Setsuna. If that. Makes sense. He doesn't really have trouble disassociating them in his mind, since they're so radically different, but there is a link there that he can't. Ignore. Since he basically in this lifetime exists to protect Setsuna because of Alexiel.
Kira loves Setsuna! THIS he knows and doesn't have issues with it, though he'll deny it because he... doesn't want Setsuna to mourn when he dies! A part of him realizes it's futile but he's not going to make it harder. He isn't actually gay for Setsuna, and would never make a serious move on him unless Setsuna wanted it. Sex isn't really a motivation for him and frankly Kira is PERFECTLY HAPPY TO... love. As sappy as that sounds. And maybe get to hold him now and then. Because touching and ...feeling are still sort of new when you're MANY THOUSANDS OF YEARS OLD and you've only been doing this for twelve years.
I want to say Kira loves Setsuna more than Nanatsusaya loves Alexiel but that's... like apples and oranges. I already covered the complexity of Nanatsusaya's 'love', but whatever it is, neither is more or less. The only real difference is Kira does things that are better FOR Setsuna while disregarding Setsuna's own wants. Meanwhile Nanatsusaya will do basically anything Alexiel wants. But that's mostly because Alexiel knows what is best and necessary and doesn't really beat around the bush about it.
Dad- Kira loev Dad. Kira's love for his dad is probably the most pure and simple and helpless and human of all of his loves. His thing with Alexiel is MESSED UP, his thing with Setsuna is born of centuries of obsession, but his love for his father stems from Sakuya's love for his father, plus the affliction of the love his father has for him which he could never escape and couldn't figure out why. It's the love that is completely unwarranted, completely selfless, completely vulnerable and thus the one that sort of got him from left field.
Dad is the only one who really forces Kira to drop his... Kiraness. Dad is the one who gets angry, confused, upset, hurt, sort of crazy Kira because the fact that he TOTALLY CAN'T WIN THIS BATTLE and someone is DIRECTLY BEATING HIM OVER THE HEAD WITH THEIR LOVE FOR HIM really just. Messes up all of his everything and reduces him to a confused teenager. I think it's adorable.
Sakuya- is the closest thing to self worth Kira will ever really have! Because he is Sakuya and he loves Sakuya. Only he's also not really. I think Kira Sakuya's soul is much more attached to the 'we are the same' idea than Kira/Nanatsusaya is. He... likes it. He really does. But he can't convince himself it's not a charade on some level. This is probably because Nanatsusaya is much more vast than a little human soul. In Kira's opinion it would be closer to "you make me human". He's really grateful for it. He's had fun, inspite of himself. He'll miss it. He has no desire to seek out another human body even if he could, because trying to regain his humanity through someone else would seem... wrong. But to him they aren't really one person, but rather two people who have MADE a person, and he is enjoying playing his half in that, but once it's done it's done and has to move on.
And since I mentioned it in the previous paragraph, let's talk about SELF WORTH AND KIRA.
Kira is not! Humble! Dejected! A failure! Or self hating! Infact he is arrogant and confident. But he doesn't have a strong sense of... his own value as a person relating to other people. He has a strong sense of his value as a sword! As Setsuna's protector and guardian, a a fake!human, as someone who can poke buttons and figure things out. But just as a human who is loved by others? N...nooooo....
He knows people care about him in a point blank, this is a fact, sort of manner. But he doesn't really go "this is makes me important and my life worth hanging on to!" because in KIRA'S WORLD there is one very clear objective, and that is Protect Setsuna and everything else is not even. On the list. Including his feelings toward everyone else and anyone else's feelings toward him. Infact, Kira basically never considers his own feelings. I think the only time we see him even having selfish WISHES is EVERY TIME HE'S DYING FOR SETSUNA'S SAKE and he doesn't want to, and the reason he doesn't want to? SO HE CAN STAY BEING HUMAN WITH SETSUNA. But for all of his... horrible things he does, they fall into one of three categories A) He's being a jerk to be a jerk, he probably doesn't care or want it one way or the other. B) He's CONFUSED and in denial. C) He's doing it for your sake in a way that looks like he's being an asshole.
Kira has... very little sense of wanting. He's not human, so he doesn't feel the press of time or fear of death the way humans do. He doesn't desire ease or comfort the way humans do. He does desire, on some level, friendship and love but he's never wanted it before and doesn't have a place for it now and really won't... think about it like that ever. And unlike humans, who are insecure social creatures, he doesn't need it. It was just... pleasant. Like that. But he can do without just fine.
Because, really, the only thing in life that Kira really wants is Setsuna and/or Alexiel, and to continue being human. He gives up Setsuna to his sister (the scene in the jail is heart breaking sob), he knows he has never had and never will have Alexiel, and then he dies to not only protect Setusna from Rociel but from himself because Alexiel told him he's Lucifer. He does all of these without a second thought and only a sign of bittersweet regret. No complaint. And he'd do it the same every damn time.
And then there is the OTHER THING that is a no fly zone. Which sort of ...destroyed the one thing he had a sense of self about!
Lucifer- Because, Nanatsusaya got into this whole thing to find out who he was. To him it was important. It was the only thing like a 'hope' that he could have back then. He was a sword with knowledge but no memory, a soul but no past, a punishment but no crime. The only identity he had was that he was Evil, and was a sword. And that's... it.
So of course he wanted to know his name.
But then stuff happened, and Nanatsusaya did get an identity and a purpose. Despite a few claims otherwise, when you see Nanatsusaya stalking Alexiel's soul throughout the ages, it is not to find his name. It's to protect her. Because being her sword became who he was. Protecting her because his purpose. Moreover it was one he chose. It wasn't MUCH OF A CHOICE since he was sort of obsessed, but he wasn't forced into it or cursed to it. It is what he 'wanted'.
And then MORE THINGS HAPPENED and he got another identity and a more personal purpose. He also got a life and friends a charade that he loved.
And then Alexiel was like "hey I gotta kill you because your true name is Lucifer and if I don't destroy you now you will awaken and kill Setsuna".
And THUS. Kira finds out that his 'true' self is basically the anti-thesis of everything his 'current' self has become.
Which. If you need help here. Sort of sucks.
Because as much as Kira isn't by any stretch of the imagination a saint or an angel. He is incredibly loyal, incredibly dedicated, and incredibly selfless toward his purpose. And his purpose is all he has. And that purpose is Alexiel and Setsuna's freedom and protection. And in truth he is apparently the most powerful and evil being to ever exist. He doesn't HAVE to know Lucifer on a personal level. He knows Lucifer killed thousands of angels until his wings turned black, created hell, and has hordes of evil minions at his beck and call. Alexiel is an angel. Setsuna is going head first into heaven. More over Rociel wants Lucifer and if Rociel gets someone like that on a leash everything is fucked. Finding out he is Lucifer pretty much negates every reason he could have to live, because the possibility of 'awakening' makes him too much of a threat. Alexiel wanted to kill him for it. And... she is no-nonsense and to the point. It wasn't personal. It was just the best solution and he followed that.
While I don't think Kira necessarily planned to off himself as soon as possible, I do think the thing with Rociel was basically a suicide run. He sure didn't try very hard to survive it. It's just they got in a tight spot and... he didn't have anything to live for, if his existance was going to be to become a threat to Setsuna. So that was that.
And ON TOP OF THAT. Lucifer has a purpose in the universe now as well. Because he has to take over heaven and such. Kira is completely amoral, really, and he doesn't care if heaven or hell wins. But Lucifer did help kill God which freed Setsuna, and that's not something Kira could have done. Furthermore, it frees... everyone else, too! And while Kira wasn't IN IT FOR THAT he is glad it happened. Now Lucifer is the one who everyone knows about. The representation of the alternate path. The one who keeps the balance in check with his very existence. He's fighting to secure Heaven for himself (and I guess the people who follow him too, lolo) and whether that is right or wrong it certainly... effects. Things.
Basically, Lucifer is meaningful, one way or another, to many people. Kira is meaningful to a few people on a personal level. But once Setsuna is safe and Alexiel is free of her curse he... has no other purpose! This has been all he has done forever and he has absolutely no concept of living for himself for the sake of living. He has never done it and never will. Because Lucifer does have things to accomplish and while Kira kind of hates Lucifer a little, he doesn't... diagree with him, or wish to stop him, and will end his own life once camp is over so that Lucifer can do his thing, because he should be allowed to do this thing, and Kira doesn't... have any reason to prevent that anymore.
Wow that was really long but I think I'm finally out of things to say. I THINK I COVERED A LOT OF STUFF. About how Kira fails. And how his thought process works and why he's a jerk and how he's a very selfless jerk and the thing where he only has one purpose in life and it's sort of gone as soon as Setsuna is gone. IF THERE ARE ANY QUESTIONS. Now is the time.
Otherwise. Yay.
Also I love Kira )=
Actually, in reality all I need to do is like, go through my conversations with Shigure for the last month and collect everything I said in there and you would have the most extensive character essay ever. Because ever since Shigure and Kira started hanging out we realized how hilariously similar they are in a lot of aspects and it was amazing. But anyway this is mostly about something I brought up the other day and only realized recent and I'm tired and want to essay.
The recent post with Sakuya BROUGHT UP A LOT OF STUFF that didn't really come up last time I played him! Mainly because this time Sakuya interacted with more people and did things his way. Sakuya reassuring people that he and Kira are the same person lead me to a few realizations.
A) Sakuya's sort of a jerk. He's a very nice sweet, warm hearted jerk! But he has all of Kira's confidence and... more zen. And while Kira makes an effort to keep a certain emotional distance from people, he does it by... warding them away! Kira ACTS LIKE AN ASSHOLE and it makes him DIFFICULT TO LOVE. It's very effective. Sakuya DOESN'T act like an asshole but keeps the same emotional distance. Much like Kira cares about most people up to a point, so does Sakuya! But he really only cares... up to that point. Basically, he's not more loving or caring than Kira is, he just reacts to it differently. I don't really mean to say Sakuya is ACTUALLY A HORRIBLE PERSON. He isn't. He's a tiny jesus boy. But like a lot of jesus characters he has an ability to love people while emotionally being WAY OVER HERE. Kira does this too, he just. Acts like a dick and doesn't think about it a lot.
B) Sakuya is the reason Kira is a dick. I wasn't SURE ABOUT THIS ONE at first. I've always just sort of figured well. Kira is an evil spirit! His bloodlust is SO GREAT that as a sword anyone who touches him goes crazy and kills themselves unless they have equal blood lust. I always figured it was Sakuya who gave Kira the ability to love Setsuna, and the rest of it was Kira's own nature showing through. He was an asshole because at the core he's actually an asshole.
This is... I don't want to say it's UNTRUE. But I do think Kira's core nature is actually very Chaotic Neutral. Nanatsusaya is never a dick just to be a dick. Infact Nanatsusaya has very little in the way of want or personality. He's a sword! He is a soul without memories or a past attached to something that has no lifeline, hormones, or needs. He has bits of... personality and emotion that push through but whe you think about it in proportion to how much the average human feels in a day, he's incredibly stunted in that area. We only see Kira being human BEFORE being Kira once, but he isn't shown as being very emotional (until Alexiel dies and he feels 'rage') he has sex with her and he kills her but you can tell from the way he recites the story that these aren't passionate or important moments to him. And basically there is nothing to really indicate THIS SOUL IS EVIL AND MUST ACT EVILY SO OF COURSE ONCE MADE HUMAN HE WILL BE A DICK.
Then! He becomes Kira Sakuya. And what is the dead Sakuya's request of him? Make my father hate me so he won't be sad when I die.
This is both tragic and adorable. And I think, in retrospect, Sakuya realizes it was the 'wrong' choice. But he was seven and his want was very simple: he didn't want his father to suffer and so obviously he had to make his father stop loving him. Kira, who was an emotional retard, was also in no place to understand why this wouldn't work. So together they figured out ways to make their father hate them. I imagine they started small and just worked their way up. First becoming bratty and not listening, then things like petty crime, rudeness to neighbors, not doing homework, lying. Then smoking, drinking, fights, sex, gangs, drugs, larger theft, gay sex, moving out, attacking authority figures, and finally taking credit for Katou's death.
But! I always figured. Well, this was for the benefit of dad. If it wasn't in Kira's nature to be a dick he could still be nice to everyone else!
Only then I wondered "What if Sakuya's request had been 'live decently and help others so that when I die I'm remembered well'?" And. I realized under those circumstances Kira would have lived the PERFECT ANGELIC LIFE. Well. As much as he could have while taking care of Setsuna. But if that is what was asked of him he would have helped stray animals, been the perfect son, gotten Katou cleaned up, done all of his homework, been gentle and understanding boyfriend... etc etc. He would have done it fucking perfectly, and he would have done it with confidence and zen. He'd... basically have been a more socially functional Kaworu. Confident, calm, apparently happy, understanding, kind, helpful, selfless. Everything you have to do to make people like you so that at your death they will miss you.
And doing all of that wouldn't have changed Kira's core being. Because it's not like playing that role would have actually made him a saint, any more than acting like a dick all of the time actually makes him a demon. At the heart he would still be emotionally stunted about his own feelings, he'd tell himself, he'd tell himself that his humanity was just a mask, and reject the idea of personally loving anything, and not really. Get anyone loving him deeper than his surface appearance. Everything everyone felt for him he would blame on the mask and everything he felt he would ignore except for in the deepest part of his soul. And he would still be... Kira.
So! Why is he a dick if he could have just as easily NOT been a dick?
Well. Kira Sakuya marks the start of his humanity, and the soul of Kira Sakuya is basically... what gives Kira the ability to feel on a human level. And that soul told him on day one that it was better to be hated and unloved so he wouldn't pain people with his death.
Now. That's not to give the impression that DEEP IN HIS HEART HE LOVES EVERYONE AND IS MARTYRING HIMSELF SO YOU DON'T ANGST WHEN HE DIES. Kira has never put that much thought into it, nor would it... occur to him that more than a couple of people would be sad at his death (and to be fair, not that many WERE). But Kira is a neeaaarly emotionless sword with really no affection or good experiences behind him and he doesn't see a reason to endear himself to others, he doesn't want the bother or attention, and then on top of that he finds out that if he's a dick it will keep people from caring about him and thus bothering him further! And then he's already learning to be a dick to make his father hate him, so it's no real effort to just, extend that to everyone, and why not? He has no particular need to be loved or approved of, his confidence and... self, what he has of it, is ancient and unshakable. What humans think of him is really irrelevant. And Sakuya wouldn't have argued with any of this because Sakuya is of the opinion that he'd rather be hated than mourned.
Granted it would have evolved over time. Kira learned to figure out human emotions and reactions REALLY WELL, because he has a non-judgmental and objective standpoint. He fails at his own because he... relies on that objective standpoint heavily and it takes him a while to notice he has these EMOTIONS for people too. But once he's INTO THE GROOVE OF BEING A JERK and he has figured out people well enough that he can mock and push buttons with no effort he finds people hang around with him anyway! WHICH IS FRANKLY. KIND OF DUMB. BECAUSE HE'S TREATING YOU LIKE SHIT. And Kira realizes that some humans just like that, which is sort of funny (he has a sense of humor now, it's a very very ironic one) but he's not going to expend any extra energy making them go away because he doesn't really care. And this is how Kira gets bitches. Without, making any effort to get bitches, and without having an emotional attachment to them.
Basically, the only person Kira ever made an effort with was Setsuna. And I suspect he equally didn't care if Setsuna liked him or not. Kira has been tracking this soul down for hundreds of years and is this lifetime he's being a jerk. Setsuna doesn't have to love him, Kira will just. Be there. Whether the life the soul is currently living likes it or not. But Setsuna likes jerks. And Kira, through the power of Sakuya, did sort of fail at being an effective jerk because apparently even Lucifer's soul can't completely cover shouta!Jesus love and affection. Or something. Basically Kira accidentally ended up with more people caring about him than he wanted to and probably didn't notice it until a while later, and sort of went "???" and wondered why humans are masochists.
But by then he had a personality! And this is why I'm saying that while Kira could have just as easily been SOMEONE ELSE ENTIRELY it's not as if the way he is now is some sort of pained act to keep people awaaaaay. It's not! He's been doing this twelve years now. He's not as human as most humans but he's more human than most demons/angels. He has likes, dislikes, good and bad memories, wants, loves, fears, like... humans do! Stuff Nanatsusaya never considered, much less felt. Kira is now almost as incapable of not being a jerk as any other jerk in the world is. He can have his gay comforting moments with Setsuna, but he still... is sort of a jerk about them. And he can care about people! But he's a jerk about it. And he... can't really you know, decide "Fuck it" and opt to be nice and sweet and honest anymore, because it's against the human nature he's developed. If he did that he'd be doing it in an assholeish way.
So. Without intending to or really noticing it or thinking about it much, Kira ended up with relationships and a personality, and a part of him is still sort of ? about this, but he accepts it in a calm and technical sort of way. He's fine... enjoys it even, so long as it doesn't approach certain Do Not Go zones, like the things he's really honestly vulnerable about.
SPEAKING OF THOSE ZONES they tend to revolve around two things! A) People he loves and B) what he is. LET'S LOOK AT A.
Alexiel- I honestly don't think Kira thinks he's lying when he says he doesn't love Alexiel. He realizes he's... bullshitting, to an extent. But for all he recognizes human emotions the key here is Nanatsusaya isn't human. And I do think a part of if just something that can't be easily grasped. Yes he does realize that he loves her in a way, but it's not that simple or clear cut. Alexiel is... a bitch, okay? She's a jesus bitch who sort of saves the universe in one way or another and she's understanding and zen but she's also aloof and superior and while Kurai gets all of the kindness and... motherly sides of Alexiel. Nanatsusaya is her tool. A tool who she probably likes and has affection for on one level! But she found him, bribed him, owned him, lead him around by the nose for thousands of years, broke her promise to him, (apparently killed him?), and... KNEW he was following her, protecting her, and obsessing over her. And... while Alexiel's VARIOUS INCARNATIONS might have noticed this and been grateful, Alexiel herself clearly thinks he's sort of pathetic. TO BE FAIR. HE'S SORT OF PATHETIC. But. They really don't and never have had a loving understanding. Nanatsusaya is the tool and Alexiel is the master and if she has to break him to accomplish her goals then so be it.
So yes. Nanatsusaya loves Alexiel. And hates her. And needs her and obsesses over her and has only her for his entire existance and so whether or not he CARES about her is basically. Completely irrelevant to him. When all is said and done she owns him completely, and he... has no simple positive or negative opinion on that. It's just what is.
Setsuna- so UNLIKE ALEXIEL. Setsuna is actually a Good Person and one deserving of love. I don't think Setsuna alone would have... Jesused Kira. I think Nanatsusaya would have been kind of ? about this incarnation but would not have developed love and a personality because of it. But the combination of Sakuya's soul, his father refusing to not love him, and these people in LIFE getting attached to him, and all of his... humanness. Made him vulnerable to it. And he STILL IS COMPLETELY OBSESSED WITH ALEXIEL and Setsuna is Alexiel reincarnated! So Kira doesn't... have any walls there. He can block out Katou until Heaven and Hell collapse, but Alexiel has been the center of his Everything for Always, so when a reincarnation likes him and hangs out with him and they have FUN and the kid starts looking to him as a big brother... Kira can't... not adore him. He doesn't even know what adoration is but he still has to. And he does realize that Setsuna isn't Alexiel, but it's Alexiel that makes him vulnerable to Setsuna. If that. Makes sense. He doesn't really have trouble disassociating them in his mind, since they're so radically different, but there is a link there that he can't. Ignore. Since he basically in this lifetime exists to protect Setsuna because of Alexiel.
Kira loves Setsuna! THIS he knows and doesn't have issues with it, though he'll deny it because he... doesn't want Setsuna to mourn when he dies! A part of him realizes it's futile but he's not going to make it harder. He isn't actually gay for Setsuna, and would never make a serious move on him unless Setsuna wanted it. Sex isn't really a motivation for him and frankly Kira is PERFECTLY HAPPY TO... love. As sappy as that sounds. And maybe get to hold him now and then. Because touching and ...feeling are still sort of new when you're MANY THOUSANDS OF YEARS OLD and you've only been doing this for twelve years.
I want to say Kira loves Setsuna more than Nanatsusaya loves Alexiel but that's... like apples and oranges. I already covered the complexity of Nanatsusaya's 'love', but whatever it is, neither is more or less. The only real difference is Kira does things that are better FOR Setsuna while disregarding Setsuna's own wants. Meanwhile Nanatsusaya will do basically anything Alexiel wants. But that's mostly because Alexiel knows what is best and necessary and doesn't really beat around the bush about it.
Dad- Kira loev Dad. Kira's love for his dad is probably the most pure and simple and helpless and human of all of his loves. His thing with Alexiel is MESSED UP, his thing with Setsuna is born of centuries of obsession, but his love for his father stems from Sakuya's love for his father, plus the affliction of the love his father has for him which he could never escape and couldn't figure out why. It's the love that is completely unwarranted, completely selfless, completely vulnerable and thus the one that sort of got him from left field.
Dad is the only one who really forces Kira to drop his... Kiraness. Dad is the one who gets angry, confused, upset, hurt, sort of crazy Kira because the fact that he TOTALLY CAN'T WIN THIS BATTLE and someone is DIRECTLY BEATING HIM OVER THE HEAD WITH THEIR LOVE FOR HIM really just. Messes up all of his everything and reduces him to a confused teenager. I think it's adorable.
Sakuya- is the closest thing to self worth Kira will ever really have! Because he is Sakuya and he loves Sakuya. Only he's also not really. I think Kira Sakuya's soul is much more attached to the 'we are the same' idea than Kira/Nanatsusaya is. He... likes it. He really does. But he can't convince himself it's not a charade on some level. This is probably because Nanatsusaya is much more vast than a little human soul. In Kira's opinion it would be closer to "you make me human". He's really grateful for it. He's had fun, inspite of himself. He'll miss it. He has no desire to seek out another human body even if he could, because trying to regain his humanity through someone else would seem... wrong. But to him they aren't really one person, but rather two people who have MADE a person, and he is enjoying playing his half in that, but once it's done it's done and has to move on.
And since I mentioned it in the previous paragraph, let's talk about SELF WORTH AND KIRA.
Kira is not! Humble! Dejected! A failure! Or self hating! Infact he is arrogant and confident. But he doesn't have a strong sense of... his own value as a person relating to other people. He has a strong sense of his value as a sword! As Setsuna's protector and guardian, a a fake!human, as someone who can poke buttons and figure things out. But just as a human who is loved by others? N...nooooo....
He knows people care about him in a point blank, this is a fact, sort of manner. But he doesn't really go "this is makes me important and my life worth hanging on to!" because in KIRA'S WORLD there is one very clear objective, and that is Protect Setsuna and everything else is not even. On the list. Including his feelings toward everyone else and anyone else's feelings toward him. Infact, Kira basically never considers his own feelings. I think the only time we see him even having selfish WISHES is EVERY TIME HE'S DYING FOR SETSUNA'S SAKE and he doesn't want to, and the reason he doesn't want to? SO HE CAN STAY BEING HUMAN WITH SETSUNA. But for all of his... horrible things he does, they fall into one of three categories A) He's being a jerk to be a jerk, he probably doesn't care or want it one way or the other. B) He's CONFUSED and in denial. C) He's doing it for your sake in a way that looks like he's being an asshole.
Kira has... very little sense of wanting. He's not human, so he doesn't feel the press of time or fear of death the way humans do. He doesn't desire ease or comfort the way humans do. He does desire, on some level, friendship and love but he's never wanted it before and doesn't have a place for it now and really won't... think about it like that ever. And unlike humans, who are insecure social creatures, he doesn't need it. It was just... pleasant. Like that. But he can do without just fine.
Because, really, the only thing in life that Kira really wants is Setsuna and/or Alexiel, and to continue being human. He gives up Setsuna to his sister (the scene in the jail is heart breaking sob), he knows he has never had and never will have Alexiel, and then he dies to not only protect Setusna from Rociel but from himself because Alexiel told him he's Lucifer. He does all of these without a second thought and only a sign of bittersweet regret. No complaint. And he'd do it the same every damn time.
And then there is the OTHER THING that is a no fly zone. Which sort of ...destroyed the one thing he had a sense of self about!
Lucifer- Because, Nanatsusaya got into this whole thing to find out who he was. To him it was important. It was the only thing like a 'hope' that he could have back then. He was a sword with knowledge but no memory, a soul but no past, a punishment but no crime. The only identity he had was that he was Evil, and was a sword. And that's... it.
So of course he wanted to know his name.
But then stuff happened, and Nanatsusaya did get an identity and a purpose. Despite a few claims otherwise, when you see Nanatsusaya stalking Alexiel's soul throughout the ages, it is not to find his name. It's to protect her. Because being her sword became who he was. Protecting her because his purpose. Moreover it was one he chose. It wasn't MUCH OF A CHOICE since he was sort of obsessed, but he wasn't forced into it or cursed to it. It is what he 'wanted'.
And then MORE THINGS HAPPENED and he got another identity and a more personal purpose. He also got a life and friends a charade that he loved.
And then Alexiel was like "hey I gotta kill you because your true name is Lucifer and if I don't destroy you now you will awaken and kill Setsuna".
And THUS. Kira finds out that his 'true' self is basically the anti-thesis of everything his 'current' self has become.
Which. If you need help here. Sort of sucks.
Because as much as Kira isn't by any stretch of the imagination a saint or an angel. He is incredibly loyal, incredibly dedicated, and incredibly selfless toward his purpose. And his purpose is all he has. And that purpose is Alexiel and Setsuna's freedom and protection. And in truth he is apparently the most powerful and evil being to ever exist. He doesn't HAVE to know Lucifer on a personal level. He knows Lucifer killed thousands of angels until his wings turned black, created hell, and has hordes of evil minions at his beck and call. Alexiel is an angel. Setsuna is going head first into heaven. More over Rociel wants Lucifer and if Rociel gets someone like that on a leash everything is fucked. Finding out he is Lucifer pretty much negates every reason he could have to live, because the possibility of 'awakening' makes him too much of a threat. Alexiel wanted to kill him for it. And... she is no-nonsense and to the point. It wasn't personal. It was just the best solution and he followed that.
While I don't think Kira necessarily planned to off himself as soon as possible, I do think the thing with Rociel was basically a suicide run. He sure didn't try very hard to survive it. It's just they got in a tight spot and... he didn't have anything to live for, if his existance was going to be to become a threat to Setsuna. So that was that.
And ON TOP OF THAT. Lucifer has a purpose in the universe now as well. Because he has to take over heaven and such. Kira is completely amoral, really, and he doesn't care if heaven or hell wins. But Lucifer did help kill God which freed Setsuna, and that's not something Kira could have done. Furthermore, it frees... everyone else, too! And while Kira wasn't IN IT FOR THAT he is glad it happened. Now Lucifer is the one who everyone knows about. The representation of the alternate path. The one who keeps the balance in check with his very existence. He's fighting to secure Heaven for himself (and I guess the people who follow him too, lolo) and whether that is right or wrong it certainly... effects. Things.
Basically, Lucifer is meaningful, one way or another, to many people. Kira is meaningful to a few people on a personal level. But once Setsuna is safe and Alexiel is free of her curse he... has no other purpose! This has been all he has done forever and he has absolutely no concept of living for himself for the sake of living. He has never done it and never will. Because Lucifer does have things to accomplish and while Kira kind of hates Lucifer a little, he doesn't... diagree with him, or wish to stop him, and will end his own life once camp is over so that Lucifer can do his thing, because he should be allowed to do this thing, and Kira doesn't... have any reason to prevent that anymore.
Wow that was really long but I think I'm finally out of things to say. I THINK I COVERED A LOT OF STUFF. About how Kira fails. And how his thought process works and why he's a jerk and how he's a very selfless jerk and the thing where he only has one purpose in life and it's sort of gone as soon as Setsuna is gone. IF THERE ARE ANY QUESTIONS. Now is the time.
Otherwise. Yay.
Also I love Kira )=