[Aoi/Uruha] Irreversible-Ch.1/1
Title: Irreversible
Chapters: 1/1
Author:Savannah (orishimeinoue )
Genre: Slice of life, Angst
Rating: PG 13
Warnings: mentions of self-harm
Band: the GazettE
Pairing: Aoi x Uruha
Disclaimer: the GazettE boys aren't my property >.> but I'm saving up!
Synopsis: I know how you've suffered, and it hurts me deeply. This is all my fault. I have to do this, there's no other way. But always remember, I love you.
Comments: Inspired by Irreversible by Ga In. I tried to make this kind of as the other side of Atrophy, Aoi's side. It's not necessary to read Atrophy to understand this, but I recommend it, so you can get both sides of the story (it can be read before or after this, it doesn't matter).
I feel a great pain as if thorns are piercing my heart as I recollect old memories...memories of us.We were the best of friends, always together. You were always there for me when I needed you. Always, no matter what. I knew that if I called you in the middle of night telling you I needed something, you would do all you could to get it for me right then. You would brave the flames of hell for me. Even so, I always took you for granted. I knew that you would always forgive me no matter what I did, so I used it to my full advantage.
Don't get me wrong, I did love you a great deal. My Uruha, the light to my dark, you were the only thing keeping me alive at that point. I loved you with my full heart, but I never showed you in the right ways, did I? I said 'I love you' so many times, but that is not enough, is it? Words are cheap, they can be easily forged. I knew that you doubted my love, but I was always sincere when I told you that I loved you. Every single time.
All the letters I wrote to you were straight from my heart. I knew that those letters were the gifts that you cherished most, more than anything else I gave you. They were true, not like material things that can easily be bought and sold. You truly were that tiny star in a black sky to me, just like I wrote. Please don't doubt it, not even for a second.
I tried, I really tried, to make you happy. You were always so focused on my happiness, you forgot about your own. You did so many things for me, more than you did for yourself. You tried your hardest for me, so I tried to try my hardest for you. It never came even, though.
To me, it's unreal that such a nice person as you could exist. Your heart is just too big for this world. It's people like you that get used and hurt. I wanted to protect you from people that would do that to you, but in the end, I became one of them.
I lied to you, keeping you in the dark on everything. I thought that ignorance would be bliss for you, I never expected you to get hurt because of my foolishness.
I got caught up in a dark cycle of self-hatred and self-mutilation, and I unwittingly dragged you into the quicksand right along with me. I really did hate myself, why couldn't I be more like you? You made getting your amazing grades look so easy. You were such a good person. The exact opposite of me. I hated myself so much that I cut myself, something that I had promised you never to do again.
I got hooked on it, because it really is addicting. The cycle continued on, and I wasn't able to stop it. My train of self-harm was out of control, and I knew that it would hit you in the end, but I just wasn't strong enough to hold it back. I did drugs and hung out with the wrong types of people, all without you knowing. I thought it was a good charade, to try to keep you happy while secretly destroying myself, but I couldn't carry it out like I thought I could. You found out, and it devastated you. I could see the despair in your eyes, but I still thought that somehow, it would be okay.
I continued on and on with the drugs and cutting, knowing that it hurt you more and more every day. I thought that I would lose you then and it would all be over, I could put my sorry self out of my misery, but you forgave me. Somehow, you hid your despair and tried even harder to make it work. You loved me so much, I always knew, although you never confessed your feelings to me. You thought you would be okay with just being friends, so I just ignored your feelings and left things as they were, even though I loved you just as you loved me.
I always wanted to be by your side, but I knew that eventually, it would all have to end. I always pushed those thoughts away though, trying to convince myself that I could always have you. I said that I would never let us drift apart, and you pledged to me that no matter what, you would never leave me. You would always believe in me.
But I could see what I was doing to you. Slowly but surely, the optimistic, happy you that I loved began to die. I was sucking the life out of you, permanently altering you. The pain in your eyes hurt me, but I couldn't stop. I had to keep on with my addictions. I selfishly dragged you down with me, my pain becoming your pain. You began cutting yourself again, because of me. You couldn't just watch me in my downward spiral and not take it to heart. You punished yourself for my transgressions. Every day, you were dying more and more. I knew that somehow, I had to stop this, or forever lose the Uruha that I loved.
I was becoming just like the people I said that I hated, but I couldn't stop it. I couldn't stop me from ruining myself, but I could stop me from ruining you. I tried my best to sever contact with you, for your own good. That was in the summer, the loneliest summer of my life. Without you, I didn't restrain my self-hate, not one bit. I was tearing my family apart, but I didn't care. I was a horrible person, and because of that, I lost you. My Uruha, my best friend, my love.
I was sent to the psyche ward for eleven days, but even that didn't help. The only thing that could help me was you. Even though I hadn't spoken to you in two months, I texted you, asking to hang out. You replied immediately, saying that you could. Finally, I got to see you again. I convinced myself that maybe, just maybe, my separation from you had helped both of us, and seeing you would end the downward spiral we both were stuck on, and we could be as we used to be, laughing happily together.
I was wrong. The separation I had forced onto you had been hard on you, and your eyes were filled with the most sadness I had ever seen in you. Seeing me just made it worse, I could tell that as you were with me, you were thinking about what we used to be. You were lamenting the loss, and you knew that you would never get me back to the me I used to be, the me that you loved.
I was permanently changed, as were you. I had originally thought that we would be together forever, but I realized that all this time, maybe we were just hurting each other. Maybe we weren't meant to be, after all.I walked you home that day, holding your hand tightly. I could feel that you were almost in tears. You knew as well as I that that would be our last time really together, really trying to make it work. I wanted to cry too, but I knew it was better for you to just forget me.
Time heals everything, right? I hoped that with time, both you and I would be fine, able to get past this and move on with our lives...separated forever.
The new school year came, and I had no classes with you. I was disappointed and relieved at the same time. The less I saw you, the less temptation to try to mend our broken bond I had. Still, when I saw you in the hallways, I hugged you and told you how much I missed you, and that I would talk to you later. I meant what I said, although I don't think you believed me. I had lied to you so much, why would you believe anything that came out of my mouth?
I really did want to talk to you later, though. Every time I saw you, I was filled with the desire to talk to you, to get to know you again, to get to know the you that my stupidity created. Every day after school I picked up the phone with the intention of calling you, but every time, I stopped myself. Communication with me wouldn't help you at all, just the opposite.
I frantically grabbed for someone, anyone that I could be with, someone to fill up the hole in my heart where I ripped you out of. I grabbed the most easily available person- Kai, nothing but a free whore. He helped me to push aside my sadness, but when I wasn't with him, I was desolate. I tried to force myself to be happy with him, to make him what you once were to me. I saw the looks you shot at him and me. You hated him, from the bottom of your heart. You never were one to hate people, but I knew your hate for Kai was unrelenting and true. I just kept hoping that you would forget about me.
I moved away not too long after that, and all my ties with everyone, including Kai, were severed. I didn't mind, Kai was a fake, substitute friend, after all. Those first few months in my new town were hell. I had no friends, and I constantly thought about you. But now, I have friends. I'm happy now, I'm moving on. You are too, I know because I still check up on you through others. I'm glad hat you're finally regaining your smile. Keep going without me, never look back. I want you to be happy, no matter what. Live your life with no regrets, but always know that I love you. I 'll never forget you, my angel that tried so hard to make me happy. We just weren't as compatible as we had thought we were, were we? I wonder where we went wrong? If I could go back and change it all, keep you by my side and happy, I would give everything for that. Please remember me fondly, my dear Uruha. Goodbye forever, my love.
A/N: Eehhhh....I've been in this sort of mood lately, so this is the product. It's short, but I hope you liked it ^^ Comments are appreciated!
Chapters: 1/1
Author:Savannah (orishimeinoue )
Genre: Slice of life, Angst
Rating: PG 13
Warnings: mentions of self-harm
Band: the GazettE
Pairing: Aoi x Uruha
Disclaimer: the GazettE boys aren't my property >.> but I'm saving up!
Synopsis: I know how you've suffered, and it hurts me deeply. This is all my fault. I have to do this, there's no other way. But always remember, I love you.
Comments: Inspired by Irreversible by Ga In. I tried to make this kind of as the other side of Atrophy, Aoi's side. It's not necessary to read Atrophy to understand this, but I recommend it, so you can get both sides of the story (it can be read before or after this, it doesn't matter).
I feel a great pain as if thorns are piercing my heart as I recollect old memories...memories of us.We were the best of friends, always together. You were always there for me when I needed you. Always, no matter what. I knew that if I called you in the middle of night telling you I needed something, you would do all you could to get it for me right then. You would brave the flames of hell for me. Even so, I always took you for granted. I knew that you would always forgive me no matter what I did, so I used it to my full advantage.
Don't get me wrong, I did love you a great deal. My Uruha, the light to my dark, you were the only thing keeping me alive at that point. I loved you with my full heart, but I never showed you in the right ways, did I? I said 'I love you' so many times, but that is not enough, is it? Words are cheap, they can be easily forged. I knew that you doubted my love, but I was always sincere when I told you that I loved you. Every single time.
All the letters I wrote to you were straight from my heart. I knew that those letters were the gifts that you cherished most, more than anything else I gave you. They were true, not like material things that can easily be bought and sold. You truly were that tiny star in a black sky to me, just like I wrote. Please don't doubt it, not even for a second.
I tried, I really tried, to make you happy. You were always so focused on my happiness, you forgot about your own. You did so many things for me, more than you did for yourself. You tried your hardest for me, so I tried to try my hardest for you. It never came even, though.
To me, it's unreal that such a nice person as you could exist. Your heart is just too big for this world. It's people like you that get used and hurt. I wanted to protect you from people that would do that to you, but in the end, I became one of them.
I lied to you, keeping you in the dark on everything. I thought that ignorance would be bliss for you, I never expected you to get hurt because of my foolishness.
I got caught up in a dark cycle of self-hatred and self-mutilation, and I unwittingly dragged you into the quicksand right along with me. I really did hate myself, why couldn't I be more like you? You made getting your amazing grades look so easy. You were such a good person. The exact opposite of me. I hated myself so much that I cut myself, something that I had promised you never to do again.
I got hooked on it, because it really is addicting. The cycle continued on, and I wasn't able to stop it. My train of self-harm was out of control, and I knew that it would hit you in the end, but I just wasn't strong enough to hold it back. I did drugs and hung out with the wrong types of people, all without you knowing. I thought it was a good charade, to try to keep you happy while secretly destroying myself, but I couldn't carry it out like I thought I could. You found out, and it devastated you. I could see the despair in your eyes, but I still thought that somehow, it would be okay.
I continued on and on with the drugs and cutting, knowing that it hurt you more and more every day. I thought that I would lose you then and it would all be over, I could put my sorry self out of my misery, but you forgave me. Somehow, you hid your despair and tried even harder to make it work. You loved me so much, I always knew, although you never confessed your feelings to me. You thought you would be okay with just being friends, so I just ignored your feelings and left things as they were, even though I loved you just as you loved me.
I always wanted to be by your side, but I knew that eventually, it would all have to end. I always pushed those thoughts away though, trying to convince myself that I could always have you. I said that I would never let us drift apart, and you pledged to me that no matter what, you would never leave me. You would always believe in me.
But I could see what I was doing to you. Slowly but surely, the optimistic, happy you that I loved began to die. I was sucking the life out of you, permanently altering you. The pain in your eyes hurt me, but I couldn't stop. I had to keep on with my addictions. I selfishly dragged you down with me, my pain becoming your pain. You began cutting yourself again, because of me. You couldn't just watch me in my downward spiral and not take it to heart. You punished yourself for my transgressions. Every day, you were dying more and more. I knew that somehow, I had to stop this, or forever lose the Uruha that I loved.
I was becoming just like the people I said that I hated, but I couldn't stop it. I couldn't stop me from ruining myself, but I could stop me from ruining you. I tried my best to sever contact with you, for your own good. That was in the summer, the loneliest summer of my life. Without you, I didn't restrain my self-hate, not one bit. I was tearing my family apart, but I didn't care. I was a horrible person, and because of that, I lost you. My Uruha, my best friend, my love.
I was sent to the psyche ward for eleven days, but even that didn't help. The only thing that could help me was you. Even though I hadn't spoken to you in two months, I texted you, asking to hang out. You replied immediately, saying that you could. Finally, I got to see you again. I convinced myself that maybe, just maybe, my separation from you had helped both of us, and seeing you would end the downward spiral we both were stuck on, and we could be as we used to be, laughing happily together.
I was wrong. The separation I had forced onto you had been hard on you, and your eyes were filled with the most sadness I had ever seen in you. Seeing me just made it worse, I could tell that as you were with me, you were thinking about what we used to be. You were lamenting the loss, and you knew that you would never get me back to the me I used to be, the me that you loved.
I was permanently changed, as were you. I had originally thought that we would be together forever, but I realized that all this time, maybe we were just hurting each other. Maybe we weren't meant to be, after all.I walked you home that day, holding your hand tightly. I could feel that you were almost in tears. You knew as well as I that that would be our last time really together, really trying to make it work. I wanted to cry too, but I knew it was better for you to just forget me.
Time heals everything, right? I hoped that with time, both you and I would be fine, able to get past this and move on with our lives...separated forever.
The new school year came, and I had no classes with you. I was disappointed and relieved at the same time. The less I saw you, the less temptation to try to mend our broken bond I had. Still, when I saw you in the hallways, I hugged you and told you how much I missed you, and that I would talk to you later. I meant what I said, although I don't think you believed me. I had lied to you so much, why would you believe anything that came out of my mouth?
I really did want to talk to you later, though. Every time I saw you, I was filled with the desire to talk to you, to get to know you again, to get to know the you that my stupidity created. Every day after school I picked up the phone with the intention of calling you, but every time, I stopped myself. Communication with me wouldn't help you at all, just the opposite.
I frantically grabbed for someone, anyone that I could be with, someone to fill up the hole in my heart where I ripped you out of. I grabbed the most easily available person- Kai, nothing but a free whore. He helped me to push aside my sadness, but when I wasn't with him, I was desolate. I tried to force myself to be happy with him, to make him what you once were to me. I saw the looks you shot at him and me. You hated him, from the bottom of your heart. You never were one to hate people, but I knew your hate for Kai was unrelenting and true. I just kept hoping that you would forget about me.
I moved away not too long after that, and all my ties with everyone, including Kai, were severed. I didn't mind, Kai was a fake, substitute friend, after all. Those first few months in my new town were hell. I had no friends, and I constantly thought about you. But now, I have friends. I'm happy now, I'm moving on. You are too, I know because I still check up on you through others. I'm glad hat you're finally regaining your smile. Keep going without me, never look back. I want you to be happy, no matter what. Live your life with no regrets, but always know that I love you. I 'll never forget you, my angel that tried so hard to make me happy. We just weren't as compatible as we had thought we were, were we? I wonder where we went wrong? If I could go back and change it all, keep you by my side and happy, I would give everything for that. Please remember me fondly, my dear Uruha. Goodbye forever, my love.
A/N: Eehhhh....I've been in this sort of mood lately, so this is the product. It's short, but I hope you liked it ^^ Comments are appreciated!