[Fanfic] One conversation is enough
Title: One conversation is enough
Pairings: Tomapi
Genre: angst, romance
Rating: PG-13
Disclaimer: I own those guys only in my imagination.
Summary: Story about stupidity, too many thoughts and something more (sorry… it’s just not my day to make any properly summary)
When everything changes, at the same time all remain the same as before. Like paradox but that’s the truth. Just a pat, just a shrug…
… and it was always like that. Yamapi’s constantly appearing in his life like a some kind of tornado. With force, demanding attention, with knowledge that he can afford acting like that, because Toma always gave him what he wanted.
--------------
“You heard about it?’
“About what?”
“If a liar told you that he was lying, does it means that he told you the truth or that he lied?”
--------------
Sometimes in the middle on the night Yamapi stood right in front of his doors just to cause stir in Toma’s life. It was really normal for Pi to show up without anything, but for Toma… every time when Yamapi closed doors behind him, all what Toma got was oblique words, things that didn’t make a sense to him anymore and aftertaste of…
… hypocrisy. It’s really weird because sometimes when Toma was with Pi, he wondered if all what he got in front of his eyes was true. Maybe they were so filled with phrases about friendship that they couldn’t distinguish difference between truth and their feelings, maybe they just acted, because loosing of something that they became used to was too risky and everything what they done was for public, maybe they weren’t Toma and Yamapi… Tomapi… maybe they were just a normal people in the same company, maybe just their paths crossed and they were like accidental casualties.
---------------
“Yamashita… What are you talking about?”
“… nothing. Maybe it’s nothing important”
---------------
Toma never noticed when it all began, when Yamapi stopped being like before, when they drifted apart. It scared him because if he didn’t saw that, then what else he missed? Maybe nothing, maybe all, maybe he was the only one who was blind, maybe Pi was able to discern what Toma wanted hide, Toma’s own secret…
Toma knew that he couldn’t run, couldn’t leave regrets of failures because it was too late for any action. He was too tangled in this whole situation, that even if it was empty, he just wanted to dream that all those smiles, all playful looks weren’t put on a show.
Maybe there were too many shadows in his life, too many sleepless hours in nights, too many of things that weren’t his Pi. Always when he was lying on his bed, with eyes focused on the ceiling, Toma thought about past, about them together because before…
… they knew how to share a vulnerability, they were close to that extend that they were able to read their thoughts with superficial look. Every touch was like a indication of something forbidden, something what was deep inside both of them but what never will see the daylight. When they stood on the stage it wasn’t just a performance. They lived in a perfect symbiosis, without any problems, without anything as long as they held microphones, as long they could bath in lights.
-----------------
“Oh really?”
“It’s just that… Look Toma, you know that I never wanted to hurt you. You know that, right?”
“Of course I know… Are you all right?”
“Never better…”
----------------
It wasn’t like it all ended when Pi leaved 4TOPS, it never was about band, about some stupid name that Kitagawa originated. No, they still were themselves, but when Yamapi started to love his new friends, his new life that haven’t so much empty spaces for Toma, older one felt that he was left behind, left without anything, and it was a scary place, covered in some impenetrable darkness.
Always at the end, always alone, always without him… Was it too much to wanted more? Was it wrong to fight with loneliness? Was it bad to dream about them together once again?
Some part of Toma knew that it was Pi’s stupid way of protecting him, but he never needed any help. Toma didn’t care about what people said about him, debuting never was his dream number one. All of it mattered when Yamapi was still by his side, but when he gone, everything faltered, so really… it wasn’t important when people thought that he was a looser, that he can’t gain anything…
… nope, his heart never broke in million pieces.
----------------
“Maybe I’m boring you?”
“You’re kidding, right?“
----------------
And then was that night, time when they could forget or start to remember. Both drunk, lost in their worlds and only proximity of them was able to calm their exhausted minds. From one touch to another, from one kiss to the battle of power and even maybe of something that woke up Toma’s hidden feelings. They met in a completely different breadth of world. It was something new but natural, like they were meant for each other. Nervous, embarrassment… it all disappear as soon as they once again found each other and nothing else was important.
In the dim of light Toma saw face that he missed so much. Not a usual mask, but face of human who know value of happiness. In that moment he though that maybe it was his chance for back to his place, to the right place, so he give all of himself, all what he ever had because he knew that he received more than he even imagined. As they created perfect rhythm, Toma felt that he will never forget that moment, that bliss, and even if everything will be the same or even worst he could manage the future, he was an adult, and if that will be a price, then he didn’t care because all was worth of what he got, that moment of accomplishment … he never wanted more in the whole universe.
So Toma just gripped tightly, almost desperately and when he felt smile against his lips he finally let go.
---------------
“Anyway about those liars…”
“What bout them?”
“If I told you that I love you would you believe me?”
------------------
When Toma woke up next morning, he was alone and only a fainted scent of Pi, confirmed that it wasn’t one of his dreams. Even if maybe he felt hurt that he was left without a stupid word, he never wanted to call Pi, ask him if it that thing between them had any meaning. What for?
It was clear to him what Pi thought. Both drunk “friends”… it was one night stand.
Toma started laugh when he remembered what he told himself, those things that he can manage… and well, maybe he didn’t know himself because if he did, then maybe his heart wouldn’t hurt so much. Funny thing… stupidity.
-------------------
“It’s my fault… everything between us. I know that I screw up but maybe, if you can give me a chance…”
-----------------
Toma thought that it was finally over between them. Not something what they can talk about because it never was like stupid fight, it was something more and it couldn’t be solved by a simple text message or phone call.
Maybe he will stay behind forever, maybe this was his chance to say goodbye to pretense, maybe it wasn’t so bad… Maybe Pi never will rescue him, maybe they never will joke on their j-webs, maybe Toma finally will be without that pointless burden. Or maybe not.
And he was really surprised, really, because when he came after work he saw him. Yamapi waited for him and when Toma saw him, something clenched inside of him. It wasn’t normal Tomohisa, full of life and that strange light, it was frightened person, person without destination.
“What are you doing here?”
“Hey… Can we talk?”
Toma thought that maybe they shouldn’t talk because things that he will probably hear will broke him even more but he never was able to say “No”.
“Come in.”
---------------
“I really thought about it, about us… and I know that I was stupid, that everything what I have done was a big mistake, but not that night. Toma…”
“You really are stupid.”
“Oh… I get it. So… Maybe I should go.”
“And this is exactly why you are stupid. We know each other all those years and you never noticed that I love you. I love so much that I don’t know if I’m still myself.”
“I’m so sorry.”
“Don’t sorry me. I don’t need you pity.”
“You don’t understand. I always knew… I always knew and that’s why I acted like that, that’s why I wanted to be away from you but I couldn’t. I always found myself in front of your house but I never have enough courage to walk in. So Toma… the pathetic one here it’s not you.”
“You really love me? You really meant it?”
“Yes, but it’s up to you to believe a liar.”
“Hell… I can take the risk.”
A/N: I just hope that you liked it because when I wrote it I thought too much about useless stuff and now I can't add something more. So I'm sorry ;)
Pairings: Tomapi
Genre: angst, romance
Rating: PG-13
Disclaimer: I own those guys only in my imagination.
Summary: Story about stupidity, too many thoughts and something more (sorry… it’s just not my day to make any properly summary)
When everything changes, at the same time all remain the same as before. Like paradox but that’s the truth. Just a pat, just a shrug…
… and it was always like that. Yamapi’s constantly appearing in his life like a some kind of tornado. With force, demanding attention, with knowledge that he can afford acting like that, because Toma always gave him what he wanted.
--------------
“You heard about it?’
“About what?”
“If a liar told you that he was lying, does it means that he told you the truth or that he lied?”
--------------
Sometimes in the middle on the night Yamapi stood right in front of his doors just to cause stir in Toma’s life. It was really normal for Pi to show up without anything, but for Toma… every time when Yamapi closed doors behind him, all what Toma got was oblique words, things that didn’t make a sense to him anymore and aftertaste of…
… hypocrisy. It’s really weird because sometimes when Toma was with Pi, he wondered if all what he got in front of his eyes was true. Maybe they were so filled with phrases about friendship that they couldn’t distinguish difference between truth and their feelings, maybe they just acted, because loosing of something that they became used to was too risky and everything what they done was for public, maybe they weren’t Toma and Yamapi… Tomapi… maybe they were just a normal people in the same company, maybe just their paths crossed and they were like accidental casualties.
---------------
“Yamashita… What are you talking about?”
“… nothing. Maybe it’s nothing important”
---------------
Toma never noticed when it all began, when Yamapi stopped being like before, when they drifted apart. It scared him because if he didn’t saw that, then what else he missed? Maybe nothing, maybe all, maybe he was the only one who was blind, maybe Pi was able to discern what Toma wanted hide, Toma’s own secret…
Toma knew that he couldn’t run, couldn’t leave regrets of failures because it was too late for any action. He was too tangled in this whole situation, that even if it was empty, he just wanted to dream that all those smiles, all playful looks weren’t put on a show.
Maybe there were too many shadows in his life, too many sleepless hours in nights, too many of things that weren’t his Pi. Always when he was lying on his bed, with eyes focused on the ceiling, Toma thought about past, about them together because before…
… they knew how to share a vulnerability, they were close to that extend that they were able to read their thoughts with superficial look. Every touch was like a indication of something forbidden, something what was deep inside both of them but what never will see the daylight. When they stood on the stage it wasn’t just a performance. They lived in a perfect symbiosis, without any problems, without anything as long as they held microphones, as long they could bath in lights.
-----------------
“Oh really?”
“It’s just that… Look Toma, you know that I never wanted to hurt you. You know that, right?”
“Of course I know… Are you all right?”
“Never better…”
----------------
It wasn’t like it all ended when Pi leaved 4TOPS, it never was about band, about some stupid name that Kitagawa originated. No, they still were themselves, but when Yamapi started to love his new friends, his new life that haven’t so much empty spaces for Toma, older one felt that he was left behind, left without anything, and it was a scary place, covered in some impenetrable darkness.
Always at the end, always alone, always without him… Was it too much to wanted more? Was it wrong to fight with loneliness? Was it bad to dream about them together once again?
Some part of Toma knew that it was Pi’s stupid way of protecting him, but he never needed any help. Toma didn’t care about what people said about him, debuting never was his dream number one. All of it mattered when Yamapi was still by his side, but when he gone, everything faltered, so really… it wasn’t important when people thought that he was a looser, that he can’t gain anything…
… nope, his heart never broke in million pieces.
----------------
“Maybe I’m boring you?”
“You’re kidding, right?“
----------------
And then was that night, time when they could forget or start to remember. Both drunk, lost in their worlds and only proximity of them was able to calm their exhausted minds. From one touch to another, from one kiss to the battle of power and even maybe of something that woke up Toma’s hidden feelings. They met in a completely different breadth of world. It was something new but natural, like they were meant for each other. Nervous, embarrassment… it all disappear as soon as they once again found each other and nothing else was important.
In the dim of light Toma saw face that he missed so much. Not a usual mask, but face of human who know value of happiness. In that moment he though that maybe it was his chance for back to his place, to the right place, so he give all of himself, all what he ever had because he knew that he received more than he even imagined. As they created perfect rhythm, Toma felt that he will never forget that moment, that bliss, and even if everything will be the same or even worst he could manage the future, he was an adult, and if that will be a price, then he didn’t care because all was worth of what he got, that moment of accomplishment … he never wanted more in the whole universe.
So Toma just gripped tightly, almost desperately and when he felt smile against his lips he finally let go.
---------------
“Anyway about those liars…”
“What bout them?”
“If I told you that I love you would you believe me?”
------------------
When Toma woke up next morning, he was alone and only a fainted scent of Pi, confirmed that it wasn’t one of his dreams. Even if maybe he felt hurt that he was left without a stupid word, he never wanted to call Pi, ask him if it that thing between them had any meaning. What for?
It was clear to him what Pi thought. Both drunk “friends”… it was one night stand.
Toma started laugh when he remembered what he told himself, those things that he can manage… and well, maybe he didn’t know himself because if he did, then maybe his heart wouldn’t hurt so much. Funny thing… stupidity.
-------------------
“It’s my fault… everything between us. I know that I screw up but maybe, if you can give me a chance…”
-----------------
Toma thought that it was finally over between them. Not something what they can talk about because it never was like stupid fight, it was something more and it couldn’t be solved by a simple text message or phone call.
Maybe he will stay behind forever, maybe this was his chance to say goodbye to pretense, maybe it wasn’t so bad… Maybe Pi never will rescue him, maybe they never will joke on their j-webs, maybe Toma finally will be without that pointless burden. Or maybe not.
And he was really surprised, really, because when he came after work he saw him. Yamapi waited for him and when Toma saw him, something clenched inside of him. It wasn’t normal Tomohisa, full of life and that strange light, it was frightened person, person without destination.
“What are you doing here?”
“Hey… Can we talk?”
Toma thought that maybe they shouldn’t talk because things that he will probably hear will broke him even more but he never was able to say “No”.
“Come in.”
---------------
“I really thought about it, about us… and I know that I was stupid, that everything what I have done was a big mistake, but not that night. Toma…”
“You really are stupid.”
“Oh… I get it. So… Maybe I should go.”
“And this is exactly why you are stupid. We know each other all those years and you never noticed that I love you. I love so much that I don’t know if I’m still myself.”
“I’m so sorry.”
“Don’t sorry me. I don’t need you pity.”
“You don’t understand. I always knew… I always knew and that’s why I acted like that, that’s why I wanted to be away from you but I couldn’t. I always found myself in front of your house but I never have enough courage to walk in. So Toma… the pathetic one here it’s not you.”
“You really love me? You really meant it?”
“Yes, but it’s up to you to believe a liar.”
“Hell… I can take the risk.”
A/N: I just hope that you liked it because when I wrote it I thought too much about useless stuff and now I can't add something more. So I'm sorry ;)