Brigits' Flame Entry, Week 1

[oryginal_skin]

One line of footprints in the sand: night along the coast.

It was there too, as it always was.  In the morning my footprints will be washed away, but tomorrow, and always, It would be there.

It came now, slipping through me like darkness through glass, a cloaked figure in the night.  The ache of It's presence began to fill me, infesting like the eggs

Comments

[lacruciverbiste]

Powerful stuff! Love the personification of the narrator's inner demons.

Good luck this week! Look forward to reading more from you.
~Kate
BF Week One entry: "Clothes and all"

[oryginal_skin]

Thank you-- I'm glad you enjoyed it. I'm on my way to your entry now.

[harlotbug3]

Personifying despair is tricky business; too cerebral and it introverts, too visceral and it narcissists.

The best part of this piece is its best insight, that the predator fails even when you surrender to it. If you revisit this, focus more on that.

[oryginal_skin]

I think that's a really good point. I've been thinking about it quite a bit since you shared it, and if I do rewrite this, I will be taking the piece more strongly in that direction. Thank you.

[vyvyan_wilde]

I agree that it is difficult anthropomorphizing despair, and I think you did a good job with it. To me, this piece symbolizes life- no matter what your successes or failures, you still have to battle the despair that lurks beneath the surface and not let it consume you.

[oryginal_skin]

That's indeed true. For me, this piece was about my own struggle with depression-- how no matter where you are or what you're doing, it's lurking in the background and building strength for another round-- like a predator that can be stopped by never killed. I am the Immortal Prey just as much as it is the Immortal Predator.

[aniron_iorhael]

I empathized greatly with this dark stalemate. The narrator upon the coast walking alongside the darkness reminded me of her having a conversation with the devil. A terrible thing to be sure, and certainly, believable dialogue, this devil's advocate to any ounce of hope that she would bring forth. I enjoyed this a lot.

[oryginal_skin]

Thank you-- I'm glad that I was able to connect with those who can relate to how I feel about this.

Hello from one of your editors!

[fawatson]

Your editing comments are ready! How do you want to receive them? I can post them here or send them to you in a separate email. Plese let me know your preference.

Re: Hello from one of your editors!

[oryginal_skin]

In my comments would be lovely, thank you.

Comments from one of your editors!

[fawatson]

General

This short piece is very atmospheric, rather than character or plot-driven, and you have achieved this very effectively. I have no major suggestions to make for improvement. It is generally very well written.

Specific

All these comments are about very minor points - the kind which usually escape one when writing quickly to a tight deadline (and which can be ‘smoothed out’ with careful proofreading). In all cases I have quoted your words first (in italics) and immediately followed with my suggestions.

It's
You do this a couple of times. It’s = it is (abbreviated); its = possessive form of it.

its clawed fists
Should be: Its (either capitalise consistently throughout, or not at all)

Re: Comments from one of your editors!

[oryginal_skin]

The It's/its thing is deliberate. I wanted to blur the lines between "It" as a name and "it" as a pronoun-- you'll notice that I'm consistent with using the possessive "It's" (as would be the rule for proper nouns) and the pronoun possessive "its" where applicable.

Towards the end of the story, I take away "It"'s power by diminishing from the proper noun state to a pronoun state. By doing so, I hoped to symbolically show that the personification is once again merging with the protagonist to become merely part of the protagonist and not a separate being. Hence, it would be an "it" and not a "It".