"Harbor"
Prelio awoke slowly, confused for a moment to see his own image staring back at him from the pool of water in front of him. The hush and roll of the waves behind him whispered a gentle hymnal, calling him back home. Sickening, rolling pain closed is eyes for a moment, and he lowered his cheek down to rest on the barnacle-covered rocks. He lay
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Comments 17
“Prelio awoke slowly, confused for a moment to see his own image staring back at him from the pool of water in front of him.”
-This line repeats “[preposition] him” twice, and the result is kind of awkward. I suggest taking out “at him” and just having it be: “... confused for a moment to see his own image staring back from ...”
“Sickening, rolling pain closed is eyes for a moment,”
-“his”
“His soul, however, instinctively know that this was not a good place to die. “
-“knew”
“Groaning, Prelio opened his eyes and looked around. Lying several feet in front of him, he was surprised a most unusual object. Wedged between two crags of rock, it was round, a creature perhaps, and of brilliant coloration.”
-Every sentence in this paragraph starts with a verb. Could you maybe switch it up by rewording one of the sentences?
“Lying several feet in front of him, he was surprised a most unusual object.”-This is an awkward sentence, even ignoring the ( ... )
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I didn't like this piece at all, even as I finished writing it. It think it begs an awful lot, and while something this unusual should be superbly written, I don't know that I was up to the challenge. It's just too unusual to capture the way I tried to.
I do like how I handled the magic as well. I think that's the gem I should take out of this: Write more stuff like that part.
This edit was extremely helpful, and thank you so much! I'm going to have to think about this for a bit before I tackle another piece.
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