Comments | oryginal

oryginal_skin

Until

Jun 13, 2010 11:46

"And would you wait, if war tore me away and drank the hot ( Read more... )

brigits flame

Comments 8

so_wordy June 14 2010, 21:37:06 UTC

This is so poetic. I love the format and the understated cues. I can just hear this being spoken!

oryginal_skin August 14 2010, 16:46:40 UTC

I'm so glad you've enjoyed this. I was inspired by poet Elizabeth Sergeant, a favorite of mine.

harlotbug3 June 15 2010, 17:49:04 UTC

[There are some screws you could tighten here. They’re not on thumbs for the most part ( ... )

oryginal_skin August 14 2010, 16:49:11 UTC

Hmm... I deliberately repeated the "like" so to more greatly emphasize the verbal dance of the two writers. Do you think it doesn't work well enough?

I LOVE your suggestion of removing "within". :-)

I'm not sure about the last line myself. Ima think about it for a while.

A few thoughts. one_time_pad June 16 2010, 20:37:43 UTC

As long as you're playing with spacing and typography, I think your first disconnect should be between "war" and "tore me away ( ... )

Re: A few thoughts. oryginal_skin August 14 2010, 16:52:14 UTC

As long as you're playing with spacing and typography, I think your first disconnect should be between "war" and "tore me away".

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VERY good call. I knew there was a reason I asked for your help. <3 ( ... )

writingmoments August 22 2010, 01:48:55 UTC

This was very sweet. Poetic and yet very vivid and almost ...a little violent.

I wish I could believe in this kind of love.

oryginal_skin September 4 2010, 14:05:50 UTC

There's better love than this.