Mysterious Skin - I Wish I Was (15/15)
Title: I Wish I Was (15/15)
Author: osaki_nana_707
Pairings/Characters: Brian, Neil, Eric, Wendy, EricxBrian
Rating: PG-13
Warnings:language, mentions of abuse, drug abuse, sexual situations
Summary: Brian's not through with Neil. Neil's not through destroying himself.
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Chapter 15
(Brian Lackey)
Eric and Wendy found us there on the couch together hours after they had left. Neil had long since run out of sounds to make and tears to cry and just laid there, sniffling, staring at the black screen of the television set. There were crusty lines of blood dried to his face.
I looked at Eric and Wendy when they entered, having forgotten that they'd even be back, forgotten that we were in New York and not in Hutchinson on that family's couch in Coach Heider's house. Neil never even acknowledged that they'd arrived.
The two of them just stood there, probably at a loss for what to do, while I leaned down over Neil, parting his hair away from his face, which was difficult because some of it had gotten stuck in the dried blood, and whispered, "I'm going to move you now."
He sniffed in response.
I reached underneath him and hoisted him into my arms (which was remarkably easy considering how skinny he was). His head lolled against my shoulder, one arm curling around his stomach while the other dangled lifelessly.
Wendy and Eric were making little sniffling noises behind me, but I did my best to ignore them for fear that a whole new surge of tears would come spilling out of me or Neil and carried him back into the room where I'd found him.
The room was absolutely nasty… It carried that same smell that Neil had, and it was about in the same condition. I pressed him down onto the mattress, listening to its old springs creak in protest. "Wait here," I told him.
I retrieved a wet wash cloth from Wendy and set to cleaning up his face. I cleaned up a little, but his little trashcan could only hold so much, and it was hard to focus with the way he was watching me.
After a while, I was worn out and gave up. He seemed to notice because when I pulled the sheets over him, he took hold of my sleeve. "Don't go," he said… and I heard it all in his gaze because I knew exactly what that meant.
I don't want to be alone right now.
I crawled into the bed with him, and he turned around so that he could see me, to make sure I wasn't going anywhere.
We fell asleep looking at each other, holding hands like grade-schoolers.
The next morning, I awoke alone and discovered via Eric that Neil had checked himself into a rehab center.
Wendy was gone with Neil when I padded into the living room. Eric was sprawled out on the couch looking like he hadn't slept one wink. His attempt to quit smoking had gloriously failed as the ashtray made so clear.
"What did you do?" he asked, astonishment laced in with his sleepiness. "Neil… he… it's…"
"I didn't really do anything," I shrugged. "I just told him the truth is all."
He was too tired to question that, and that wasn't really something I could share with anyone but Neil. I didn't know why, but it just felt too personal. Eric just couldn't understand, and that was okay.
Wendy came back and dozed off on the couch with Eric. I busied myself with cleaning because I was the only one who actually had slept, and I couldn't help but think maybe, just maybe when Neil got back, he'd be happy to have a clean place to lay down in. I found a bloody shirt in his bottom drawer and threw it away, knowing in my heart where it was from. I was tempted to burn it.
I even cooked lunch.
They woke up to the smell of microwaved pizza.
"What happened to this place?" Wendy asked, looking around like she was suspicious that she had been moved somehow. Eric rubbed at a crick in his neck and smiled at me.
"I thought I'd do something," I said, shrugging.
Wendy didn't have to say thank you. The look in her eyes was enough.
We barely talked while we ate.
"So..." I offered after a long silence. "What are you going to do now?"
"Keep working," Wendy shrugged. "Keep this place up so Neil had a nice place to come home to." Apparently she shared the same sentiment I did.
"That's good," I said, "but don't work too hard."
"Do you need some extra money?" Eric offered. "I have a couple hundred bucks in my checking account. I can lend you…"
"You don't have to do that," she said, smiling into her pizza. "You're too good a friend, Eric. I wish I could have been more accommodating to you guys."
"I accomplished what I came here to do," I said. "You don't have to accommodate to us. We kind of just sprung ourselves on you anyways."
"Uh… yeah, sorry about that…" Eric mumbled.
Wendy laughed. "Don't apologize. It makes you sound like a wuss."
Wendy was a good person. I could tell. Neil needed a friend like her.
At the end of the day, we said goodbye to Wendy and started on the trip for home (after Eric paid tickets on the car he'd parked illegally). I had called my mom before we left, but she didn't mention I hadn't called her the day before or, come to think of it, the day before that. I discovered why as soon as we'd hit the highway.
"You were calling her when I didn't, weren't you?" I asked Eric, smirking a little.
"Told her that you were just so worn out that you fell asleep as soon as we got to the hotel. I knew you'd forget with everything that was going on, but I didn't want her to worry about you too much. That's my job."
I laughed, leaning on his shoulder for a moment. The drive then grew silent for a long time.
"So… Neil, huh…" Eric started.
"Yeah…" I added, nodding for good measure. "He was pretty bad off, but… I think… I think he'll be okay."
"I don't know what you did back there, but Wendy said when she saw him it was like a different person was standing before her. It wasn't the Neil from before or the Neil she'd had to deal with recently either but…"
"A clean slate," I decided. "I think he's going to give this living thing a second chance."
"Well, we'll see if he can do it."
"I believe in him."
"I'm skeptical, admittedly, but… if you believe, then I believe."
"A good night's sleep does a lot of good to start with," I said and glanced at Eric. "I think he just needed someone to understand what he's been through."
"How do you understand what it's like to be a coke head?" he asked and seemed to regret it because he thought it sounded too mean.
"I don't," I said, "but I knew what happened to him that summer when he was eight years old."
"So did he."
"No… No, he didn't."
I left it at that. It wasn't my place to go spilling Neil's feelings out any more than it was any of his business to spill mine. I'd tell Eric, but I'd only tell him if Neil gave me the okay.
…because I knew, inevitably, Neil and I would see each other again.
It was the hottest part of August. Eric and I were inseparable the whole summer because thankfully my grades improved, and I didn't have to take summer courses to catch up.
We'd been having fun, mostly. We took another road trip at the beginning of the summer to Eric's hometown in California to pay respect to his deceased parents. He talked to them like they were standing before us, introducing us and everything, and I played along.
He convinced me to switch to contact lenses and before long my hair had grown, and I barely recognized myself from years prior. It was a nice change.
Eric had changed too. He almost never wore make-up anymore, and his clothes seemed to more closely resemble mine than before. I guessed he must have admired me or something, and it was true about imitation being the sincerest form of flattery, especially when it was someone as sweet as Eric. He and I would sit in his room and laugh at his depressing poetry from the last few years. If he wrote poetry now, it was just as silly and stupid but also extremely sappy.
We'd also moved up from fourth-grade kissing to sixth-grade kissing, but we still wouldn't do it very often, and never in public. He never minded at all because that's just the kind of guy Eric is.
Deborah came home for a few weeks during the summer, and she was the first to point out my change in demeanor. "I never would have known it was you if you hadn't said something. I don't think I've seen you this happy in a long time."
I didn't tell her or Mom about what really happened. I didn't want to cause any unnecessary grief… or maybe I was still a little bit of a coward…
Baby steps. I'd tell them eventually.
Anyway, August was in full swing. My t-shirt was stuck to me along with strands of hair, and I was sure I was sunburned across the bridge of my nose. Mrs. Johnson's yard had been mowed, and Mr. Huxtable's yard had been mowed, and our yard had been mowed, and I was pretty sure I never wanted to see another blade of grass again.
Eric pulled up in his car and honked the horn. "Hey!" he shouted from the window. "You want to go get some ice cream before I have to go to work?"
Eric had started working at the Salvation Army in Hutchinson, a place that he actually used to shoplift from, because he wanted to buy a new car. "Fuck yeah, I do," I said, sliding into the passenger seat. I waved to my Mom who came walking out on the porch just as we were pulling off, and I could almost guarantee that she and Deborah were about to go back inside and whisper about how suspicious my relationship with Eric was.
"You smell like ass," Eric said, making a face.
I smirked at him from where I was hovered over the air conditioning vent. "You mow three lawns in one afternoon in August and see how you smell."
"I didn't say that your stink didn't have good reasoning behind it. I was just stating a fact, I'll have you know."
I just laughed. I felt like I was laughing and smiling all the time now. I could sleep all alone in my bed and not wake up wet or with blood on my face, and on the occasional night that the nightmares would get to me, Eric was a phone call away. I feared I might have been a little obsessed with Eric, but Eric was certainly willing to feed my obsession.
We got ice cream and sat inside the parlor just enjoying the air conditioning. A group of kids came in while we were there, and Eric mentioned that they'd gone to school together. By the way they sauntered over and started proclaiming us to be fags, I was pretty sure they weren't friends.
"Looks like Preston's got a new boyfriend," one of them teased. I didn't care what they thought, but Eric glared at them. "Gee, Preston, isn't this kid a step down from McCormick? Or did high-and-mighty McCormick dump your ass?"
Eric looked down into his ice cream, as if debating whether or not to take the high road or the low road on this one. I was sort of hoping he'd take the low road, just to see the look on the prick's face.
He ended up not having to say anything because the bell on the door tinkled, and a familiar voice said, "I was too busy fucking your dad. Is that what you wanna hear?"
Neil McCormick had sauntered in right on cue. It was like a scene from a fucking movie, and I couldn't help but break into a grin full of laughter. Eric was grinning too, though his was peppered more with surprise than humor.
Neil lowered his cigarette from his lips, smirking. A flock of doves could have been released and it wouldn't have been more perfect.
"Well, well, well, look who's back in Hutchinson," the biggest one said, shoving his hands into the pockets of his too-tight jeans. He was red-faced from Neil's previous comment but appeared to be pretending he'd never said it. His buddies looked like they were trying not to laugh at it. "What brings you back, queer?"
"Your dad called. Said he missed me," Neil said and proceeded to put his cigarette out on the big guy's cheek before kissing the other one and giving it a gentle slap. "Tell him I'm not interested, but that I still said hi." He smacked his ass for good measure.
His friends howled with laughter, unable to stop themselves, and the big guy stormed out with them teasing him all the way out. I had a feeling that burn was going to be difficult to explain.
"I thought I'd find you jackasses here," Neil said, tugging his collar. "I forgot how damn hot it is here in the summer."
Now we had the opportunity to stare, and stare we did. I was left in an equal amount of shock as last time, minus the horror, because this looked so extremely different from the Neil McCormick I had seen before. He looked… great, and that was an understatement.
"What the fuck are you staring at?" he asked, but he had a smug little grin on his face because he knew why and was soaking it up like sunlight. His hair had been chopped off short, and he'd put some meat back on his bones. His skin had regained its color, though he was still a little pale, and there was hardly a trace of a dark circle under either eye. His shirt wasn't ungodly tight on him like in his hustler days, but it wasn't ridiculously loose on him like during his cocaine days, and it was obviously clean and the same color blue as the sky. His jeans looked nearly brand new too. He'd gotten his ear pierced two more times, and he had a new necklace in place of the one he usually wore, gleaming bright silver under the fluorescent lights of the ice cream place.
Eric recovered from his gaping before I did and leaped to his feet to throw his arms around Neil. "Holy shit, when did you get here?"
"Bus dropped me off this morning," Neil said. "Mom said she missed me. Sent me a ticket."
"That's awesome. Wow, look at you!"
"Look at you," Neil responded. "You got rid of the hair dye and make-up and all that shit. Hope Hutchinson hasn't had too much of an effect on you, turned you straight."
Eric laughed, and Neil smiled. Even his teeth looked whiter.
The three of us drove all around town, bullshitting about what was going on here and there but never bringing up anything serious. Eric had slammed on the brakes in the middle of an intersection when he realized he was thirty minutes late for work, and then proceeded to kick us out while he gunned it for the Salvation Army.
"Guess that means we're hoofing it," Neil said, watching his car disappear around the corner. "I think you should be mean to him for this."
"Why? It's your fault for making him forget," I said, smiling. "He doesn't want to lose the job since he wants a new car so bad."
Neil shrugged and pressed his hands against the back of his neck, lacing his fingers together and started walking. I followed. "So, what the fuck was up with that music in the car?"
"It was Queen."
Neil huffed. "Appropriate, I guess. He done with all that sad music?"
"Seems to be."
"Christ, what have you done to him?" he asked, but he couldn't seem to wipe a smile off of his face, not completely. He dug a cigarette out of the box in his pocket, paused, and peeked inside to see that it was his last one. "Oh, fuck you."
I just smiled innocently.
We wandered until we came to that fateful park of his and sat down on the swings. "So…" he said, blowing smoke into the air before dropping what was left of the cigarette to the ground. "You seem to be pretty good."
"I am. How about you? How's that cocaine craving of yours?"
"Man, I…" he paused, running a hand over his hair, "I still want it every day, but every day it gets a little bit easier… This isn't really my style, but I have to admit that I have you to thank… for that."
I blinked. "I didn't really…"
"Actually, you did," he said, looking me right in the eyes, and at that moment he looked so alive. "You did a lot. I was just… fucking… spiraling out of control, you know? I couldn't figure out what was wrong with me, even though I guess I always kind of knew. No one got it. No one could understand… except you."
"I guess you and I are connected somehow," I said with a shrug. "I kept feeling like I needed to go to New York and find you, even though I didn't know what was going on. We've only really been around each other three times including this one, but… I feel like I know so much more about you than most people."
Neil chuckled. "Sort of. My shrink knows a lot though. Probably about as much as you… but I don't think she'll get it, not like you can. Words are words but experience is everything."
"Yeah."
"So, anyway, I wanted to say… thanks for kicking my ass back into gear, and I'm sorry for all the shit I said to you before, and I'm sorry about that summer, and um... I'm sorry about everything, really. You aren't like all those other guys, and I should have never said that you-"
"I know," I interrupted. "I know you didn't mean any of that. You were just going through a fucked up part of your life. Believe me, I know how hard it is to admit to yourself that something so bad happened to you."
"Yeah," Neil nodded, staring out into the playground and beyond it, and with his eyes, I thought that maybe he could see all the way back to New York. "I figured something out though, when I saw you… when I saw how… different you were. I was letting that shit just… fucking… consume me, but you…" he looked at me, shaking his head in disbelief, and I could have sworn I saw a sliver of admiration. "You… you didn't let that define you."
"It wasn't easy."
"I know. That's what makes it so goddamn impressive."
There was a long second where he just stared into my eyes, and I couldn't help but stare back. I felt like he could see right inside my brain, see every thought in plain block letters. "I had a lot of help from Eric," I said awkwardly.
"Yeah, but the grunt work was yours," Neil said, "and fuck, if you didn't just pass it on. God… I can't believe how fucking stupid I am."
"You're not stupid."
His eyebrows knitted together, but I kept staring at him seriously and said again, "You're not stupid. Don't ever say that. You're so much more… than you think you are. If it's impressive that I rose above what happened to me, then it's just as impressive if not more impressive that you did too. You should be proud of yourself."
"Now, you're starting to sound like my therapist," he laughed, but there was a sense of gratefulness in his voice that I definitely caught. "I guess I do have a little to be proud of. I got out of rehab completely clean and didn't go back to coke. I got a job at a restaurant, even though I'm just a busboy working for minimum wage. Wendy and I moved in with her boyfriend and his roommate so that rent is cheaper, so I actually have some cash to buy shit. Oh, and I guess that Julian guy got over whatever superiority complex he had and his crush on Wendy's boyfriend because he has been pursuing me fucking vehemently. Annoying little fuck. I might sleep with him just to shut him up, but probably not."
I chuckled and we just sat there for a long time, sweating and enjoying whatever little wind that blew by.
"Hey," he said suddenly, and when I turned to look he planted a kiss on my mouth. I just stared dumbly when it was over a second later, and he said, "I thought I should give that back to you."
I knew what he meant by that.
"Thanks…"
He kicked his feet up and pushed his body forward on the swing, and it began rocking back and forth. I stared in wonder as the swing rose higher and higher into the air, the breeze dancing in his hair, and I swore that just then and there…
He looked just like an angel.
End
If you made it this far, thanks so much for reading! Love you!
-Jessica
Author: osaki_nana_707
Pairings/Characters: Brian, Neil, Eric, Wendy, EricxBrian
Rating: PG-13
Warnings:language, mentions of abuse, drug abuse, sexual situations
Summary: Brian's not through with Neil. Neil's not through destroying himself.
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Chapter 15
(Brian Lackey)
Eric and Wendy found us there on the couch together hours after they had left. Neil had long since run out of sounds to make and tears to cry and just laid there, sniffling, staring at the black screen of the television set. There were crusty lines of blood dried to his face.
I looked at Eric and Wendy when they entered, having forgotten that they'd even be back, forgotten that we were in New York and not in Hutchinson on that family's couch in Coach Heider's house. Neil never even acknowledged that they'd arrived.
The two of them just stood there, probably at a loss for what to do, while I leaned down over Neil, parting his hair away from his face, which was difficult because some of it had gotten stuck in the dried blood, and whispered, "I'm going to move you now."
He sniffed in response.
I reached underneath him and hoisted him into my arms (which was remarkably easy considering how skinny he was). His head lolled against my shoulder, one arm curling around his stomach while the other dangled lifelessly.
Wendy and Eric were making little sniffling noises behind me, but I did my best to ignore them for fear that a whole new surge of tears would come spilling out of me or Neil and carried him back into the room where I'd found him.
The room was absolutely nasty… It carried that same smell that Neil had, and it was about in the same condition. I pressed him down onto the mattress, listening to its old springs creak in protest. "Wait here," I told him.
I retrieved a wet wash cloth from Wendy and set to cleaning up his face. I cleaned up a little, but his little trashcan could only hold so much, and it was hard to focus with the way he was watching me.
After a while, I was worn out and gave up. He seemed to notice because when I pulled the sheets over him, he took hold of my sleeve. "Don't go," he said… and I heard it all in his gaze because I knew exactly what that meant.
I don't want to be alone right now.
I crawled into the bed with him, and he turned around so that he could see me, to make sure I wasn't going anywhere.
We fell asleep looking at each other, holding hands like grade-schoolers.
The next morning, I awoke alone and discovered via Eric that Neil had checked himself into a rehab center.
Wendy was gone with Neil when I padded into the living room. Eric was sprawled out on the couch looking like he hadn't slept one wink. His attempt to quit smoking had gloriously failed as the ashtray made so clear.
"What did you do?" he asked, astonishment laced in with his sleepiness. "Neil… he… it's…"
"I didn't really do anything," I shrugged. "I just told him the truth is all."
He was too tired to question that, and that wasn't really something I could share with anyone but Neil. I didn't know why, but it just felt too personal. Eric just couldn't understand, and that was okay.
Wendy came back and dozed off on the couch with Eric. I busied myself with cleaning because I was the only one who actually had slept, and I couldn't help but think maybe, just maybe when Neil got back, he'd be happy to have a clean place to lay down in. I found a bloody shirt in his bottom drawer and threw it away, knowing in my heart where it was from. I was tempted to burn it.
I even cooked lunch.
They woke up to the smell of microwaved pizza.
"What happened to this place?" Wendy asked, looking around like she was suspicious that she had been moved somehow. Eric rubbed at a crick in his neck and smiled at me.
"I thought I'd do something," I said, shrugging.
Wendy didn't have to say thank you. The look in her eyes was enough.
We barely talked while we ate.
"So..." I offered after a long silence. "What are you going to do now?"
"Keep working," Wendy shrugged. "Keep this place up so Neil had a nice place to come home to." Apparently she shared the same sentiment I did.
"That's good," I said, "but don't work too hard."
"Do you need some extra money?" Eric offered. "I have a couple hundred bucks in my checking account. I can lend you…"
"You don't have to do that," she said, smiling into her pizza. "You're too good a friend, Eric. I wish I could have been more accommodating to you guys."
"I accomplished what I came here to do," I said. "You don't have to accommodate to us. We kind of just sprung ourselves on you anyways."
"Uh… yeah, sorry about that…" Eric mumbled.
Wendy laughed. "Don't apologize. It makes you sound like a wuss."
Wendy was a good person. I could tell. Neil needed a friend like her.
At the end of the day, we said goodbye to Wendy and started on the trip for home (after Eric paid tickets on the car he'd parked illegally). I had called my mom before we left, but she didn't mention I hadn't called her the day before or, come to think of it, the day before that. I discovered why as soon as we'd hit the highway.
"You were calling her when I didn't, weren't you?" I asked Eric, smirking a little.
"Told her that you were just so worn out that you fell asleep as soon as we got to the hotel. I knew you'd forget with everything that was going on, but I didn't want her to worry about you too much. That's my job."
I laughed, leaning on his shoulder for a moment. The drive then grew silent for a long time.
"So… Neil, huh…" Eric started.
"Yeah…" I added, nodding for good measure. "He was pretty bad off, but… I think… I think he'll be okay."
"I don't know what you did back there, but Wendy said when she saw him it was like a different person was standing before her. It wasn't the Neil from before or the Neil she'd had to deal with recently either but…"
"A clean slate," I decided. "I think he's going to give this living thing a second chance."
"Well, we'll see if he can do it."
"I believe in him."
"I'm skeptical, admittedly, but… if you believe, then I believe."
"A good night's sleep does a lot of good to start with," I said and glanced at Eric. "I think he just needed someone to understand what he's been through."
"How do you understand what it's like to be a coke head?" he asked and seemed to regret it because he thought it sounded too mean.
"I don't," I said, "but I knew what happened to him that summer when he was eight years old."
"So did he."
"No… No, he didn't."
I left it at that. It wasn't my place to go spilling Neil's feelings out any more than it was any of his business to spill mine. I'd tell Eric, but I'd only tell him if Neil gave me the okay.
…because I knew, inevitably, Neil and I would see each other again.
It was the hottest part of August. Eric and I were inseparable the whole summer because thankfully my grades improved, and I didn't have to take summer courses to catch up.
We'd been having fun, mostly. We took another road trip at the beginning of the summer to Eric's hometown in California to pay respect to his deceased parents. He talked to them like they were standing before us, introducing us and everything, and I played along.
He convinced me to switch to contact lenses and before long my hair had grown, and I barely recognized myself from years prior. It was a nice change.
Eric had changed too. He almost never wore make-up anymore, and his clothes seemed to more closely resemble mine than before. I guessed he must have admired me or something, and it was true about imitation being the sincerest form of flattery, especially when it was someone as sweet as Eric. He and I would sit in his room and laugh at his depressing poetry from the last few years. If he wrote poetry now, it was just as silly and stupid but also extremely sappy.
We'd also moved up from fourth-grade kissing to sixth-grade kissing, but we still wouldn't do it very often, and never in public. He never minded at all because that's just the kind of guy Eric is.
Deborah came home for a few weeks during the summer, and she was the first to point out my change in demeanor. "I never would have known it was you if you hadn't said something. I don't think I've seen you this happy in a long time."
I didn't tell her or Mom about what really happened. I didn't want to cause any unnecessary grief… or maybe I was still a little bit of a coward…
Baby steps. I'd tell them eventually.
Anyway, August was in full swing. My t-shirt was stuck to me along with strands of hair, and I was sure I was sunburned across the bridge of my nose. Mrs. Johnson's yard had been mowed, and Mr. Huxtable's yard had been mowed, and our yard had been mowed, and I was pretty sure I never wanted to see another blade of grass again.
Eric pulled up in his car and honked the horn. "Hey!" he shouted from the window. "You want to go get some ice cream before I have to go to work?"
Eric had started working at the Salvation Army in Hutchinson, a place that he actually used to shoplift from, because he wanted to buy a new car. "Fuck yeah, I do," I said, sliding into the passenger seat. I waved to my Mom who came walking out on the porch just as we were pulling off, and I could almost guarantee that she and Deborah were about to go back inside and whisper about how suspicious my relationship with Eric was.
"You smell like ass," Eric said, making a face.
I smirked at him from where I was hovered over the air conditioning vent. "You mow three lawns in one afternoon in August and see how you smell."
"I didn't say that your stink didn't have good reasoning behind it. I was just stating a fact, I'll have you know."
I just laughed. I felt like I was laughing and smiling all the time now. I could sleep all alone in my bed and not wake up wet or with blood on my face, and on the occasional night that the nightmares would get to me, Eric was a phone call away. I feared I might have been a little obsessed with Eric, but Eric was certainly willing to feed my obsession.
We got ice cream and sat inside the parlor just enjoying the air conditioning. A group of kids came in while we were there, and Eric mentioned that they'd gone to school together. By the way they sauntered over and started proclaiming us to be fags, I was pretty sure they weren't friends.
"Looks like Preston's got a new boyfriend," one of them teased. I didn't care what they thought, but Eric glared at them. "Gee, Preston, isn't this kid a step down from McCormick? Or did high-and-mighty McCormick dump your ass?"
Eric looked down into his ice cream, as if debating whether or not to take the high road or the low road on this one. I was sort of hoping he'd take the low road, just to see the look on the prick's face.
He ended up not having to say anything because the bell on the door tinkled, and a familiar voice said, "I was too busy fucking your dad. Is that what you wanna hear?"
Neil McCormick had sauntered in right on cue. It was like a scene from a fucking movie, and I couldn't help but break into a grin full of laughter. Eric was grinning too, though his was peppered more with surprise than humor.
Neil lowered his cigarette from his lips, smirking. A flock of doves could have been released and it wouldn't have been more perfect.
"Well, well, well, look who's back in Hutchinson," the biggest one said, shoving his hands into the pockets of his too-tight jeans. He was red-faced from Neil's previous comment but appeared to be pretending he'd never said it. His buddies looked like they were trying not to laugh at it. "What brings you back, queer?"
"Your dad called. Said he missed me," Neil said and proceeded to put his cigarette out on the big guy's cheek before kissing the other one and giving it a gentle slap. "Tell him I'm not interested, but that I still said hi." He smacked his ass for good measure.
His friends howled with laughter, unable to stop themselves, and the big guy stormed out with them teasing him all the way out. I had a feeling that burn was going to be difficult to explain.
"I thought I'd find you jackasses here," Neil said, tugging his collar. "I forgot how damn hot it is here in the summer."
Now we had the opportunity to stare, and stare we did. I was left in an equal amount of shock as last time, minus the horror, because this looked so extremely different from the Neil McCormick I had seen before. He looked… great, and that was an understatement.
"What the fuck are you staring at?" he asked, but he had a smug little grin on his face because he knew why and was soaking it up like sunlight. His hair had been chopped off short, and he'd put some meat back on his bones. His skin had regained its color, though he was still a little pale, and there was hardly a trace of a dark circle under either eye. His shirt wasn't ungodly tight on him like in his hustler days, but it wasn't ridiculously loose on him like during his cocaine days, and it was obviously clean and the same color blue as the sky. His jeans looked nearly brand new too. He'd gotten his ear pierced two more times, and he had a new necklace in place of the one he usually wore, gleaming bright silver under the fluorescent lights of the ice cream place.
Eric recovered from his gaping before I did and leaped to his feet to throw his arms around Neil. "Holy shit, when did you get here?"
"Bus dropped me off this morning," Neil said. "Mom said she missed me. Sent me a ticket."
"That's awesome. Wow, look at you!"
"Look at you," Neil responded. "You got rid of the hair dye and make-up and all that shit. Hope Hutchinson hasn't had too much of an effect on you, turned you straight."
Eric laughed, and Neil smiled. Even his teeth looked whiter.
The three of us drove all around town, bullshitting about what was going on here and there but never bringing up anything serious. Eric had slammed on the brakes in the middle of an intersection when he realized he was thirty minutes late for work, and then proceeded to kick us out while he gunned it for the Salvation Army.
"Guess that means we're hoofing it," Neil said, watching his car disappear around the corner. "I think you should be mean to him for this."
"Why? It's your fault for making him forget," I said, smiling. "He doesn't want to lose the job since he wants a new car so bad."
Neil shrugged and pressed his hands against the back of his neck, lacing his fingers together and started walking. I followed. "So, what the fuck was up with that music in the car?"
"It was Queen."
Neil huffed. "Appropriate, I guess. He done with all that sad music?"
"Seems to be."
"Christ, what have you done to him?" he asked, but he couldn't seem to wipe a smile off of his face, not completely. He dug a cigarette out of the box in his pocket, paused, and peeked inside to see that it was his last one. "Oh, fuck you."
I just smiled innocently.
We wandered until we came to that fateful park of his and sat down on the swings. "So…" he said, blowing smoke into the air before dropping what was left of the cigarette to the ground. "You seem to be pretty good."
"I am. How about you? How's that cocaine craving of yours?"
"Man, I…" he paused, running a hand over his hair, "I still want it every day, but every day it gets a little bit easier… This isn't really my style, but I have to admit that I have you to thank… for that."
I blinked. "I didn't really…"
"Actually, you did," he said, looking me right in the eyes, and at that moment he looked so alive. "You did a lot. I was just… fucking… spiraling out of control, you know? I couldn't figure out what was wrong with me, even though I guess I always kind of knew. No one got it. No one could understand… except you."
"I guess you and I are connected somehow," I said with a shrug. "I kept feeling like I needed to go to New York and find you, even though I didn't know what was going on. We've only really been around each other three times including this one, but… I feel like I know so much more about you than most people."
Neil chuckled. "Sort of. My shrink knows a lot though. Probably about as much as you… but I don't think she'll get it, not like you can. Words are words but experience is everything."
"Yeah."
"So, anyway, I wanted to say… thanks for kicking my ass back into gear, and I'm sorry for all the shit I said to you before, and I'm sorry about that summer, and um... I'm sorry about everything, really. You aren't like all those other guys, and I should have never said that you-"
"I know," I interrupted. "I know you didn't mean any of that. You were just going through a fucked up part of your life. Believe me, I know how hard it is to admit to yourself that something so bad happened to you."
"Yeah," Neil nodded, staring out into the playground and beyond it, and with his eyes, I thought that maybe he could see all the way back to New York. "I figured something out though, when I saw you… when I saw how… different you were. I was letting that shit just… fucking… consume me, but you…" he looked at me, shaking his head in disbelief, and I could have sworn I saw a sliver of admiration. "You… you didn't let that define you."
"It wasn't easy."
"I know. That's what makes it so goddamn impressive."
There was a long second where he just stared into my eyes, and I couldn't help but stare back. I felt like he could see right inside my brain, see every thought in plain block letters. "I had a lot of help from Eric," I said awkwardly.
"Yeah, but the grunt work was yours," Neil said, "and fuck, if you didn't just pass it on. God… I can't believe how fucking stupid I am."
"You're not stupid."
His eyebrows knitted together, but I kept staring at him seriously and said again, "You're not stupid. Don't ever say that. You're so much more… than you think you are. If it's impressive that I rose above what happened to me, then it's just as impressive if not more impressive that you did too. You should be proud of yourself."
"Now, you're starting to sound like my therapist," he laughed, but there was a sense of gratefulness in his voice that I definitely caught. "I guess I do have a little to be proud of. I got out of rehab completely clean and didn't go back to coke. I got a job at a restaurant, even though I'm just a busboy working for minimum wage. Wendy and I moved in with her boyfriend and his roommate so that rent is cheaper, so I actually have some cash to buy shit. Oh, and I guess that Julian guy got over whatever superiority complex he had and his crush on Wendy's boyfriend because he has been pursuing me fucking vehemently. Annoying little fuck. I might sleep with him just to shut him up, but probably not."
I chuckled and we just sat there for a long time, sweating and enjoying whatever little wind that blew by.
"Hey," he said suddenly, and when I turned to look he planted a kiss on my mouth. I just stared dumbly when it was over a second later, and he said, "I thought I should give that back to you."
I knew what he meant by that.
"Thanks…"
He kicked his feet up and pushed his body forward on the swing, and it began rocking back and forth. I stared in wonder as the swing rose higher and higher into the air, the breeze dancing in his hair, and I swore that just then and there…
He looked just like an angel.
End
If you made it this far, thanks so much for reading! Love you!
-Jessica