[one shot] tomorrow is forever
Title: tomorrow is forever
Pairing: gd/top
Rating: nc17
Genre: angst
Warnings: highlight to read death
Author: osehuns
Notes: seunghyun is quite sick.
"tomorrow is forever, and years pass in no time at all."
- crow lake, mary lawson
According to the Wikipedia page for grief, it is a natural response to loss. It is the emotional suffering one feels when something or someone that the individual loves is taken away.
He wonders if it’s still applicable when that someone is still alive.
“It’s lung cancer.” It’s as if the doctor who delivered the news is directly behind him, whispering the words into his ear continuously as a haunting reminder. His mind begins to wonder where everything went wrong. Hundreds of times, that exact thought had repeated itself in his mind as if in turmoil with the doctor’s diagnosis.
He shivers.
He watches the older male’s chest rise slowly up and down, as if the motion would stop itself at any moment. He compares his pale skin to the hospital walls and the sheets he lies against. He wonders if it’s possible to be shades lighter than the numerical color pattern #00000. It’s probably unhealthy. He’s unhealthy.
He reaches down and takes the cold hand into his own. He ignores how his hands are shaking. “You bastard.”
His voice echoes in his empty room; only the heart monitor offers slight beats as the only reminder the patient is still alive. “It’s lung cancer.”
He doesn’t cry.
He is awakened by a slight nudge to his side.
This time his back is against the waiting room wall, cramping as he sits up in his chair and wills the sleep in his eyes away with a few quickened blinks. Youngbae looks down at him expectedly, with two cups in his hands. He accepts one silently. The other takes a seat, sighing. “It’s been two days. Go talk to him or go home.”
He ignores him, taking a sip and swallowing the burning sensation. He likes it better than the numb. A couple minutes pass by. “Jiyong?”
“Six months.” He pauses.
“I know.”
He continues though, showing no recognition he heard the two words. “He knew for six goddamn months and he didn’t bother telling us.” Telling me. The words remained unsaid, though they hung above the two like a shadow. Youngbae sighs.
“I know,” He repeats. This time, Jiyong turns and offers an empty smile. His eyes water.
Youngbae looks away and takes a sip of his cold coffee.
“Go home, Jiyong.” This time he awakens to Teddy lightly smacking the back of his head. Jiyong wipes the path of drool away from the side of his mouth and scowls.
“I’m writing.” He emphasizes as if he hadn’t just been caught snoozing on top of the very papers that has his progress scribbled across. Teddy lifts a brow. His scowl deepens as he turns back to his sheet and lifts his pen to start writing again. He pauses, fingers wavering and waiting for something to strike his inspiration. Nothing does and he throws his pen across the room.
Teddy leans forward and smacks the back of his head again. Jiyong releases a whining noise as he rubs the spot that was crying out in heated pain. He throws a dirty glare over his shoulder at the perpetrator.
“He’s back in the hospital, isn’t he?” Jiyong freezes for a millisecond, before beginning to sort through his sheets. It was answer enough for the other, as he hears a sigh echo. Teddy appears behind him and ruffles his hair affectionately. He doesn’t mention how it’s been three months since the younger male had been notified of the situation.
“Go home, Jiyong.”
He’s home again.
“Lung cancer is the second most common cancer in both men and women, and it is the leading cause of cancer death for both men and women. More people die of lung cancer than of colon, breast, and prostate cancers combined. Lung cancer occurs mainly in older people. It is rare in people under the age of 45.” Jiyong recites monotonously, looking out the window to focus on the birds that were flying in a v-formation. He wanted to fly.
Seunghyun chuckles from beside him. “Did you really memorize all that?” Jiyong remains quiet, though he feels his insides twist in fury. He didn’t understand how the other could simply lay in his bed and laugh.
“Ji.”
The doctors had said the treatment wasn’t working well on Seunghyun, and that they would need to up the chemo. Seunghyun had refused.
“I feel like shit.” He shrugged, running a hand though his barely existent hair strands that had fought to remain. Jiyong stared blankly at Seunghyun’s scalp that usually stayed hidden beneath a beanie or some sort of hat. He twisted his own arms around his skinny self in order to provide comfort. It didn’t work.
“If chemo’s not helping, I don’t want more.”
“Jiyong?”
“I want to live my last days my way, not in the hospital.”
“Jiyong-.”
“You understand, don’t you, Ji?”
He swallows as he’s pressed against the other’s chest tightly. “Stop.” Seunghyun growls; the sensation ripples against his chest and Jiyong’s cheek. “I can practically hear your thoughts. Stop.”
They stay like that for the remainder of the day. No one disturbs them.
“Don’t leave me.” Jiyong says desperately, as he watches him cough up blood. The paramedics try to stabilize him. He could hear the siren screeching from the top of their ambulance. Seunghyun smiles weakly yet tightens the grip on his hand.
“I won’t.”
He doesn’t believe him.
“I love you.” Seunghyun says wearily, attached to endless machines and IV drips. They’re back to where they started. He thinks it’s ironic. He forgets what irony is.
Jiyong leans down and captures the other’s lips in desperation as an answer. Seunghyun sighs contently.
19:03.
He wonders how many will mourn.
(“I love you too.")
fin
A/N: first post on lj, first fic into the bb fandom and the first fic in the longest time (3/4ths of a year???) plus it's angst and i suck at angst so yay. plus i think this is a new style of writing i'm trying as i usually have heavy detail. heavily nervous at posting this but oh well. and this has no timeline/setting, it just is set somewhere, anywhere. you choose. ;;;;
Pairing: gd/top
Rating: nc17
Genre: angst
Warnings: highlight to read death
Author: osehuns
Notes: seunghyun is quite sick.
"tomorrow is forever, and years pass in no time at all."
- crow lake, mary lawson
According to the Wikipedia page for grief, it is a natural response to loss. It is the emotional suffering one feels when something or someone that the individual loves is taken away.
He wonders if it’s still applicable when that someone is still alive.
“It’s lung cancer.” It’s as if the doctor who delivered the news is directly behind him, whispering the words into his ear continuously as a haunting reminder. His mind begins to wonder where everything went wrong. Hundreds of times, that exact thought had repeated itself in his mind as if in turmoil with the doctor’s diagnosis.
He shivers.
He watches the older male’s chest rise slowly up and down, as if the motion would stop itself at any moment. He compares his pale skin to the hospital walls and the sheets he lies against. He wonders if it’s possible to be shades lighter than the numerical color pattern #00000. It’s probably unhealthy. He’s unhealthy.
He reaches down and takes the cold hand into his own. He ignores how his hands are shaking. “You bastard.”
His voice echoes in his empty room; only the heart monitor offers slight beats as the only reminder the patient is still alive. “It’s lung cancer.”
He doesn’t cry.
He is awakened by a slight nudge to his side.
This time his back is against the waiting room wall, cramping as he sits up in his chair and wills the sleep in his eyes away with a few quickened blinks. Youngbae looks down at him expectedly, with two cups in his hands. He accepts one silently. The other takes a seat, sighing. “It’s been two days. Go talk to him or go home.”
He ignores him, taking a sip and swallowing the burning sensation. He likes it better than the numb. A couple minutes pass by. “Jiyong?”
“Six months.” He pauses.
“I know.”
He continues though, showing no recognition he heard the two words. “He knew for six goddamn months and he didn’t bother telling us.” Telling me. The words remained unsaid, though they hung above the two like a shadow. Youngbae sighs.
“I know,” He repeats. This time, Jiyong turns and offers an empty smile. His eyes water.
Youngbae looks away and takes a sip of his cold coffee.
“Go home, Jiyong.” This time he awakens to Teddy lightly smacking the back of his head. Jiyong wipes the path of drool away from the side of his mouth and scowls.
“I’m writing.” He emphasizes as if he hadn’t just been caught snoozing on top of the very papers that has his progress scribbled across. Teddy lifts a brow. His scowl deepens as he turns back to his sheet and lifts his pen to start writing again. He pauses, fingers wavering and waiting for something to strike his inspiration. Nothing does and he throws his pen across the room.
Teddy leans forward and smacks the back of his head again. Jiyong releases a whining noise as he rubs the spot that was crying out in heated pain. He throws a dirty glare over his shoulder at the perpetrator.
“He’s back in the hospital, isn’t he?” Jiyong freezes for a millisecond, before beginning to sort through his sheets. It was answer enough for the other, as he hears a sigh echo. Teddy appears behind him and ruffles his hair affectionately. He doesn’t mention how it’s been three months since the younger male had been notified of the situation.
“Go home, Jiyong.”
He’s home again.
“Lung cancer is the second most common cancer in both men and women, and it is the leading cause of cancer death for both men and women. More people die of lung cancer than of colon, breast, and prostate cancers combined. Lung cancer occurs mainly in older people. It is rare in people under the age of 45.” Jiyong recites monotonously, looking out the window to focus on the birds that were flying in a v-formation. He wanted to fly.
Seunghyun chuckles from beside him. “Did you really memorize all that?” Jiyong remains quiet, though he feels his insides twist in fury. He didn’t understand how the other could simply lay in his bed and laugh.
“Ji.”
The doctors had said the treatment wasn’t working well on Seunghyun, and that they would need to up the chemo. Seunghyun had refused.
“I feel like shit.” He shrugged, running a hand though his barely existent hair strands that had fought to remain. Jiyong stared blankly at Seunghyun’s scalp that usually stayed hidden beneath a beanie or some sort of hat. He twisted his own arms around his skinny self in order to provide comfort. It didn’t work.
“If chemo’s not helping, I don’t want more.”
“Jiyong?”
“I want to live my last days my way, not in the hospital.”
“Jiyong-.”
“You understand, don’t you, Ji?”
He swallows as he’s pressed against the other’s chest tightly. “Stop.” Seunghyun growls; the sensation ripples against his chest and Jiyong’s cheek. “I can practically hear your thoughts. Stop.”
They stay like that for the remainder of the day. No one disturbs them.
“Don’t leave me.” Jiyong says desperately, as he watches him cough up blood. The paramedics try to stabilize him. He could hear the siren screeching from the top of their ambulance. Seunghyun smiles weakly yet tightens the grip on his hand.
“I won’t.”
He doesn’t believe him.
“I love you.” Seunghyun says wearily, attached to endless machines and IV drips. They’re back to where they started. He thinks it’s ironic. He forgets what irony is.
Jiyong leans down and captures the other’s lips in desperation as an answer. Seunghyun sighs contently.
19:03.
He wonders how many will mourn.
(“I love you too.")
fin
A/N: first post on lj, first fic into the bb fandom and the first fic in the longest time (3/4ths of a year???) plus it's angst and i suck at angst so yay. plus i think this is a new style of writing i'm trying as i usually have heavy detail. heavily nervous at posting this but oh well. and this has no timeline/setting, it just is set somewhere, anywhere. you choose. ;;;;