[one shot] memento
Title: memento
Pairing: gd/top
Rating: nc17
Genre: angst(?)
Warnings: -
Author: osehuns
Notes: and so the cycle continues.
“is it by mistake or design”
- lana del rey
Perhaps it starts around the time Seunghyun is old enough to walk amongst the cold world, yet young enough to dream. Maybe another word for it is foolish.
"There's just this something." Seunghyun struggles to explain the turmoil in his mind through the cigarette in mouth, as hands rush through his dark locks of hair. There's an odd exhilarating feeling about letting his legs dangle from the railings of their balcony, as if he's so close to flying yet caged in to make sure he doesn't go too far. It's enough of a high to give him the courage to try and explain the thoughts that have been persistently on his mind since he met the other man.
He clears his throat, and takes another puff before it's snatched out of his hand by the younger male. He can't bring it upon himself to fake anger as he simply smiles contently and looks out to the night sky.
"I don't know, Ji. When I look at you, there's this something right here," he motions at his chest, ignoring the pounding his heart, "and I can't breathe right, I can't look away, I ca-”
The frustration has been clawing at him for days, ever since he realized the symptoms. He frowns at the thought of the vulnerability he's displaying and a sudden embarrassment overpowers him. He hesitates in the silence and slowly turns his head in hopes to take back what he's said.
"Ah nevermin-."
It beings with a kiss.
They kiss behind closed doors, in bathroom stalls, whenever they're sure no one's paying attention. Seunghyun finds pleasure in being able to steal a kiss from behind Youngbae's back, or when the little Seunghyun comments on his leader’s collarbones, filtered with reminders of big Seunghyun’s possessiveness. Then again, he also finds pleasure in being pressed against the wall when Jiyong growls the things he'd like to do to him in his ear, with little kisses trailing down the nape of his neck.
Kissing Jiyong reminds Seunghyun of his changing mood swings rather than a distinct taste. Sometimes he's overwhelmed with a taste of danger and confidence, then there's bliss and content, while other times there's only questioning and vulnerability. The latter always leaves him wanting to kiss the smaller male harder than they've already have been and press him tight to his chest; to make the other claw at his back in pleasure and forget the insecurities and worries clouding his mind.
He succeeds (most times).
He watches the cameras soak in the golden boy’s aura, taking a shot of vodka as Jiyong laughs widely. His eye doesn’t twitch when Jiyong reaches out to wrap an arm around Kiko’s waist. His throat doesn’t contract when Jiyong leans down to whisper something into the female’s ears. His lips don’t frown as the said female lets out a mesmerizing laugh. He counts his heartbeat in names, as Daesung’s worrisome face comes into view. The younger male takes the drink from his hand, and helps him stumble out the door. He tries to ignore Jiyong’s dark and heavy gaze. There’s disappointment.
Seunghyun is first to look away.
He scoffs when the word ‘love’ comes to his head.
Seunghyun is sure Jiyong falls under Karan Horney's study of neurotic needs, number one being the need for affection and approval. He spends time watching the younger male dominate under the limelight of the scrutinizing public, the unconfident scribbles scattered on papers wherever he goes, compared to his need for guidance when he’s been left alone to his thoughts for too long.
He wonders if he’s simply a distraction before brushing the thought away the second it occurs. (Though that doesn’t stop it from crossing his mind multiple times in the future.)
"Why me?" Eyes slightly wider than usual, Seunghyun slowly looks up at the fidgeting leader, avoiding his eyes and failing to keep a straight face.
Seunghyun sighs internally, recognizing Jiyong's overpowered insecurities taking over. Seunghyun chuckles as he drops his Haruki Murakami book on his bed and scoots closer to where the other sat. Then he reaches down to wrap a hand around Jiyong’s petit neck and leans down to capture the other's lips. He senses Jiyong open mentally up with his willingness, anger and vulnerability painting against each other such as a storm overtaking the silent ocean. Seunghyun’s lips curl upwards.
"What?" Jiyong snaps, a slight flush rising in his cheek. Then he sighs and pushes Seunghyun away, seeming intent making his way towards the door. He mumbles something like along the lines of "Jesus Christ" to Seunghyun, back turned.
"I like you," Seunghyun says after a moment, and then, he once again loses himself in the world of Kafka who also imagines a world full of possibilities.
Somewhere along the silent line, Jiyong retakes his previous position and begins to scroll mindlessly on his phone. He smiles.
They paint each other's skin with flashes of ecstasy and pleasure and blind emotions, their passion speaking louder than empty promises.
He wonders one day what controversy led to Jiyong capturing all of his thoughts.
He supposes he had had them all along.
The three words are never mentioned around each other. Yet Seunghyun's never needed verbal confirmation to what they have and he’s sure he can fool himself into believing it will last. Jiyong's fleeting touches, the laugh against his lips, his concern- it's more than he can ask for from someone who's like a fleeting butterfly- waiting for the chance to lift off and explore the other world.
So he stays silent.
No turning back, he laughs to himself. How pathetic, he thinks.
Perhaps they really were just a fling of passing passion, Seunghyun thinks to himself as he watches Jiyong's retreating back. He chokes back on the mountain of emotions building in the midsection of his chest, all for something that was never his. He wonders if he can explode from the lack of action being taken to heal the hurt. The silence offers nothing now.
Insert a bitter chuckle.
“Seunghyun. Please.”
Time skip to the furthermore future where Seunghyun is old enough to understand passion in the moment, yet young enough to still fool himself into believing its love. His breathe still hitches. It’s still foolish.
So the cycle continues.
A/N: yeah. so idk.
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Pairing: gd/top
Rating: nc17
Genre: angst(?)
Warnings: -
Author: osehuns
Notes: and so the cycle continues.
“is it by mistake or design”
- lana del rey
Perhaps it starts around the time Seunghyun is old enough to walk amongst the cold world, yet young enough to dream. Maybe another word for it is foolish.
"There's just this something." Seunghyun struggles to explain the turmoil in his mind through the cigarette in mouth, as hands rush through his dark locks of hair. There's an odd exhilarating feeling about letting his legs dangle from the railings of their balcony, as if he's so close to flying yet caged in to make sure he doesn't go too far. It's enough of a high to give him the courage to try and explain the thoughts that have been persistently on his mind since he met the other man.
He clears his throat, and takes another puff before it's snatched out of his hand by the younger male. He can't bring it upon himself to fake anger as he simply smiles contently and looks out to the night sky.
"I don't know, Ji. When I look at you, there's this something right here," he motions at his chest, ignoring the pounding his heart, "and I can't breathe right, I can't look away, I ca-”
The frustration has been clawing at him for days, ever since he realized the symptoms. He frowns at the thought of the vulnerability he's displaying and a sudden embarrassment overpowers him. He hesitates in the silence and slowly turns his head in hopes to take back what he's said.
"Ah nevermin-."
It beings with a kiss.
They kiss behind closed doors, in bathroom stalls, whenever they're sure no one's paying attention. Seunghyun finds pleasure in being able to steal a kiss from behind Youngbae's back, or when the little Seunghyun comments on his leader’s collarbones, filtered with reminders of big Seunghyun’s possessiveness. Then again, he also finds pleasure in being pressed against the wall when Jiyong growls the things he'd like to do to him in his ear, with little kisses trailing down the nape of his neck.
Kissing Jiyong reminds Seunghyun of his changing mood swings rather than a distinct taste. Sometimes he's overwhelmed with a taste of danger and confidence, then there's bliss and content, while other times there's only questioning and vulnerability. The latter always leaves him wanting to kiss the smaller male harder than they've already have been and press him tight to his chest; to make the other claw at his back in pleasure and forget the insecurities and worries clouding his mind.
He succeeds (most times).
He watches the cameras soak in the golden boy’s aura, taking a shot of vodka as Jiyong laughs widely. His eye doesn’t twitch when Jiyong reaches out to wrap an arm around Kiko’s waist. His throat doesn’t contract when Jiyong leans down to whisper something into the female’s ears. His lips don’t frown as the said female lets out a mesmerizing laugh. He counts his heartbeat in names, as Daesung’s worrisome face comes into view. The younger male takes the drink from his hand, and helps him stumble out the door. He tries to ignore Jiyong’s dark and heavy gaze. There’s disappointment.
Seunghyun is first to look away.
He scoffs when the word ‘love’ comes to his head.
Seunghyun is sure Jiyong falls under Karan Horney's study of neurotic needs, number one being the need for affection and approval. He spends time watching the younger male dominate under the limelight of the scrutinizing public, the unconfident scribbles scattered on papers wherever he goes, compared to his need for guidance when he’s been left alone to his thoughts for too long.
He wonders if he’s simply a distraction before brushing the thought away the second it occurs. (Though that doesn’t stop it from crossing his mind multiple times in the future.)
"Why me?" Eyes slightly wider than usual, Seunghyun slowly looks up at the fidgeting leader, avoiding his eyes and failing to keep a straight face.
Seunghyun sighs internally, recognizing Jiyong's overpowered insecurities taking over. Seunghyun chuckles as he drops his Haruki Murakami book on his bed and scoots closer to where the other sat. Then he reaches down to wrap a hand around Jiyong’s petit neck and leans down to capture the other's lips. He senses Jiyong open mentally up with his willingness, anger and vulnerability painting against each other such as a storm overtaking the silent ocean. Seunghyun’s lips curl upwards.
"What?" Jiyong snaps, a slight flush rising in his cheek. Then he sighs and pushes Seunghyun away, seeming intent making his way towards the door. He mumbles something like along the lines of "Jesus Christ" to Seunghyun, back turned.
"I like you," Seunghyun says after a moment, and then, he once again loses himself in the world of Kafka who also imagines a world full of possibilities.
Somewhere along the silent line, Jiyong retakes his previous position and begins to scroll mindlessly on his phone. He smiles.
They paint each other's skin with flashes of ecstasy and pleasure and blind emotions, their passion speaking louder than empty promises.
He wonders one day what controversy led to Jiyong capturing all of his thoughts.
He supposes he had had them all along.
The three words are never mentioned around each other. Yet Seunghyun's never needed verbal confirmation to what they have and he’s sure he can fool himself into believing it will last. Jiyong's fleeting touches, the laugh against his lips, his concern- it's more than he can ask for from someone who's like a fleeting butterfly- waiting for the chance to lift off and explore the other world.
So he stays silent.
No turning back, he laughs to himself. How pathetic, he thinks.
Perhaps they really were just a fling of passing passion, Seunghyun thinks to himself as he watches Jiyong's retreating back. He chokes back on the mountain of emotions building in the midsection of his chest, all for something that was never his. He wonders if he can explode from the lack of action being taken to heal the hurt. The silence offers nothing now.
Insert a bitter chuckle.
“Seunghyun. Please.”
Time skip to the furthermore future where Seunghyun is old enough to understand passion in the moment, yet young enough to still fool himself into believing its love. His breathe still hitches. It’s still foolish.
So the cycle continues.
A/N: yeah. so idk.
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