Topic for discussion - Mutual acquaintances

[osirusbrisbane]

Posting here instead of Facebook because I'm not about vaguebooking into Facebook drama. But while Facebook recently may have spurred this post, I've had the issue pop up repeatedly over the past 15 years at least

Comments

[2h2o]

My philosophy is to judge people by how they behave in front of me, because what I don't witness may have subtleties I can't anticipate and because I know people have said things about me that have lacked proper context. It's not my job to sort out other people's relationships, so in the case of a party I'd invite everyone I want to see and let them sort themselves out.

In the case that this is a metaphor: Don't vote for Trump.

[osirusbrisbane]

Ha, I did think of Trump briefly, although his terrible is on display and record for all to see.

[idealforcolors]

I think there is no universal answer, it really really depends on the friendships. If you're closer to and have a longer relationship with Alex, and are more or less friendly acquaintances with Ivanna, I would put more weight on Alex's opinions and comfort, and stop making a concerted effort to hang out with Ivanna or invite her to things, though I wouldn't try to actively avoid her or "cut her off," it's fine to be friendly if you find yourself in the same place. This is equivalent to subtly cooling down a casual friendship with your best friend's messy ex, in my mind - more a show of support for the best friend's comfort than a verdict on the ex's worth as a person. I don't see any way to get involved beyond that that would help solve anyone's problems

[osirusbrisbane]

yeah, forgot to add "How Terrible" as one of the decision points, but absolutely that's a big factor.

And yeah, exes of friends... that certainly comes up sometimes.

[kimberkit]

What she said!

[ltlbird]

I think I adopt a combo of the advice you've gotten. I think some people's opinions bear more weight for me than others' either because I am closer with them or because their assessments of folks have matched mine in the past. But I have also in some situations adopted a "not my issue" approach to parties and such - I love Evite for this, as the affected people can see who is coming and make a decision accordingly. But if I really want to see one person and not have them beg off because of the other, I may at times invite only one or the other to an event (usually a smaller gathering.)

[osirusbrisbane]

Yeah, my default is usually to invite everyone I like and let them sort it out, with a few exceptions.

[g_me]

I really like what idealforcolors said, and don't have too much to add, other than that when I've been in similar situations re: party or social gathering invites, I tend to invite both and let them figure it out, and make sure that the information about the other's potential attendance is available. In some cases I have deliberately let the individual parties know that the other is invited, and perhaps why I did not choose to exclude them. I do think that the level of terribleness matters, because there's a difference between someone doing something stupid, or unwise, for example, and someone doing something truly awful. In that case you have to use your individual judgement and your relationship to each individual to figure out the best course of action. My default, if both relationships are somewhat equal, is to just be up front with the person/people about it and let them figure out their own stuff. I also tend to ramp down on relationships that have a lot of drama in them, so I can't say that I've often found myself in exactly

[osirusbrisbane]

Yeah, as I've gotten older I've become increasingly enamored of a nice boring life without drama, which I mostly achieved successfully, but does mean I'm out of practice with drama when any pops up.

[sylvantechie]

I'd engage Alex in conversation to try to understand why I was told whatever-it-was about Ivanna - is Alex looking for support (emotional and/or towards some specific goal)? Trying to warn me? Looking for advice? Trying to hurt Ivanna? Looking for an indirect communication channel with Ivanna (and to which/what purpose)? Doing some kind of investigation of his own? Trying to protect/improve his general social group? I don't want to put an alleged victim 'on trial', but Alex is the active agent in the situation so I think getting a better understanding of his goals / motivations / situation is paramount before doing anything regarding Ivanna

[osirusbrisbane]

In the most recent case, Alex was just ranting. In a previous case, Alex wanted Ivanna shunned -- which I totally understood but felt that taking sides was not in my job description.