(no subject)
so my friend, who's all kinds of generally nice and supportive and a good friend, is ...sort of showing her age? She's about five years younger than me? I think? And has led a more...privileged life, i guess is a good way to put it. Don't get me wrong, she's got her bullshit and everything, too, but.
I don't know how to explain physical pain to people. not like, omg, I broke my leg/i had surgery/i have a hangnail kind of pain. like, chronic, life-force-sucking, energy-soul-draining pain that is not terminal but is slowly progressive.
so there's the constant bullshit of dealing with moving=pain, and then needing to work so i can continue eating, and then i've gotta worry about insurance. which is just how the world works. fine. that's fine. but my friend comes from a family of wealthy people and socialized medicine, and has never had to decide between health care and groceries. so she thinks i should be able to fix this on my own. somewhere between puking and sleeping, i guess.
it's...frustrating. i appreciate the vote of confidence from her, but this shit isn't in my head. it's not a matter of putting my mind to it. I mean, tai chi hurts. walking hurts. fuck, sitting hurts.
and i don't qualify for shit from the government because i'm an adult who has yet to be fuckin' knocked up without being married. i'm a bit bitter about that. and while the world health organization has migraine on the list of the 20 most disabling conditions worldwide, chronic intractable daily migraine doesn't mean shit to the disability people around here, so i can't even get some health care help.
that went on a bit longer than i expected, sorry.
Mostly, I feel like writing again (yay!) but am having some trouble getting started. I don't really know why. Maybe I should just pick something and jump in in the middle. I can always go back and add. I just need to pick a middle to jump into. :)
I don't know how to explain physical pain to people. not like, omg, I broke my leg/i had surgery/i have a hangnail kind of pain. like, chronic, life-force-sucking, energy-soul-draining pain that is not terminal but is slowly progressive.
so there's the constant bullshit of dealing with moving=pain, and then needing to work so i can continue eating, and then i've gotta worry about insurance. which is just how the world works. fine. that's fine. but my friend comes from a family of wealthy people and socialized medicine, and has never had to decide between health care and groceries. so she thinks i should be able to fix this on my own. somewhere between puking and sleeping, i guess.
it's...frustrating. i appreciate the vote of confidence from her, but this shit isn't in my head. it's not a matter of putting my mind to it. I mean, tai chi hurts. walking hurts. fuck, sitting hurts.
and i don't qualify for shit from the government because i'm an adult who has yet to be fuckin' knocked up without being married. i'm a bit bitter about that. and while the world health organization has migraine on the list of the 20 most disabling conditions worldwide, chronic intractable daily migraine doesn't mean shit to the disability people around here, so i can't even get some health care help.
that went on a bit longer than i expected, sorry.
Mostly, I feel like writing again (yay!) but am having some trouble getting started. I don't really know why. Maybe I should just pick something and jump in in the middle. I can always go back and add. I just need to pick a middle to jump into. :)